Wednesday, December 22, 2010

'Tis the Season for Change

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~Maria Robinson

As the new year approaches I find myself paying more attention to my behaviors and reading entries from early this year. It amazes me how much has changed around me yet I'm still the same. Or at least I think I am.

In fact, I start to realize so many things I just dislike about myself. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but there's just so many aspects in my life that I feel I can improve on. There are a lot of times I feel out of control (Yet, being a control freak is not a good thing so maybe I should let this go) and other times when I feel like my heart is in something but my head isn't meeting it half way. Then I get to thinking more and I see how much I take for granted sometimes.

Maybe everyone feels this way around this time of year because having a "new" year pproaching makes you think of all the things you can change. Like, I complain A LOT. I don't mean to do it, I just do. And I definitely take what I have for granted because I'm never happy with what I have. I always want something else. A lot of my friends can testify to this because it annoys the hell out of them.

I see what I want for myself and my future but I don't feel as if I'm on the right path there. And that needs to change. I'm proud of myself and my life... sometimes. That "sometimes" needs to become an "all the time." I need to start living life for me and appreciating the things I have instead of complaining. This day last year my mind was in a total different place. A week from this day I was a mess and saw some of the darkest days I've seen in my life. I'm not sure if I believe in God or anything for tha matter. That's an internal struggle I've always had with myself, but something decided the path I was on last year wasn't right and it turned my life upside down. I still feel a little turned around once in awhile and I feel as if this is my year to put things back into place.

When I look at the big picture I see that in 2 and a half years I will be out of school and the real world will be right there staring me in the face. How am I going to face up?

It's these years before then that are going to determine that and I don't want to waste them.

I want to improve my relationships with the people that mean the world to me and improve the relationship I have with myself. I want to make 2011 COUNT for something. And those are my intentions.

No more hoping or saying, I want to actually DO something. I've been lazy and let my life fall back into a new pattern, now it's time to LIVE that pattern. You have to greet change with more change and that's my motto of 2011.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My Next Chapter

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words onto them ourselves. The book is called "Opportunity" and the first chapter is New Years' Day."~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

With the year 2011 fast approaching, we begin to start hearing things like, "this year is a new beginning" or "this will be my year to start over" But how about just simply using New Years' day not as a place to start from scratch but as a place where you put all that you learned from the previous year to better use beginning that day?

Life grants us new years, not new lives. As 2010 comes to an end, I ponder what it meant to me.

To me, it was my transitioning year. A year of moving on and finding where it was safe to put my feet again; a year of new people that I grew close to and old people that became more important to me.

I could make a list of resolutions but why bother? My resolutions are the same goals I've always had for myself... "to be happy."

This time last year I was a completely different person, which isn't surprising but it's weird to look at where you were just last December compared to where you are now. Was this a successful year for me?

Well, I didn't get in shape and fit into the size pants I want but I conquered a lot more.

I started working out, I went from army girlfriend to Michael's girlfriend, I got my own apartment, I got good grades, I made new friends and got closer to old ones.

To me, that's a successful year.

In reference to the quote I used, I love it but it doesn't fit perfectly... New Years' Day won't be my first chapter in my book of opportunity. It will be my next chapter.

Hope you guys like the new look of the blog!
I won't have internet over break so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)

Monday, November 22, 2010

An Overdue Update

"Stress is the spice of life."~Hans Selye

I know I haven't written in a LONG time which is crazy because usually I try to write as often as I can. Life has been pretty busy... and defintely not without stress.

Michael moved into the apartment almost a month ago. We love it. It still is suffering from a lack of furniture but we don't mind. The fact that we have our own apartment is exciting enough. (But hopefully we'll be able to get furniture soon).

School has been a pain. Although I'm making better grades than I thought, it's still a struggle. Spanish is really difficult. I suck at it. We are required to speak so much and I suck talking in English in front of people. Doing it in Spanish is a disaster. I'm really nervous about the final.

Also, money is becoming a bigger and bigger issue. Michael was supposed to transfer right in to a company but they screwed him over and after a month he still has no job. Which means all the expenses are coming out of my pocket for now. And as a college student who just does work study and writes for a low paying publications office, it's not getting us very far. We keep waiting it out and he's had to apply all over the city to find a job which at this time of year people are only hiring seasonly. My funds can only go so far and I'm trying to save up for my trip to Europe in May to study abroad. I feel like pulling my hair out. Between money and classes and Michael not working like he should have been, times are rough.

It's amazing I can find anyway to smile and not have a panic attack. I just try to keep in mind that without stress and obstacles life would be boring. And even though I have a long way to getting things more secure, I still have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

I have an amazing boyfriend that I see everyday, great friends, great family, I'm in college working towards a good future, etc. One day all of this stress and aggravation will pay off. One day...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

"Education is not a preparation for life; education is life itself." ~John Dewey

So, over the past month I've been considering taking on a double major and adding Psychology. I've always been interested in how the human mind works and what causes people to behave the way they do. More so, I'm interested in children. I was at a tie between education or psychology. I have no problem with teachers, I just can't see myself being one. Plus, if I decide later on in life to be a teacher, it isn't as hard to come back and get certified as if it would be to come back for Psychology.

Today, I finally went to talk to my advisor and he said getting a major in Psychology is completelty achievable along with my Writing degree and my History minor. This excited me. Plus, if I work towards a Psych major but can't complete it in my last 3 and half years (which shouldn't be a problem) I can always be a minor instead.

I feel as if my future is more secure with this. I can be a social worker or child care specialist and still write on the side and publish novels. Or, if I want to focus on Writing as my main career, I always have Psych as a back up. This makes the real world seem less frightening in a sense. lol.

Another thing my advisor and I discussed is this whole study abroad thing. I don't think I can afford a whole semester and I don't really want to leave the states for that long. So' I'm opting towards the summer program. Turns out, there is a Writing summer program this summer that will allow my writing to be workshopped by authors who visit London. Many of these are best selling writers! How awesome would that be? Plus it's only five weeks and I still get to travel plus go to the Paris trip at the end of the program. And the overall benefit is that it's a lot cheaper than going a semester plus I won't be away from everyone for so long, especially Michael.

So this is where my head has been lately. It's an exciting place in this mind of mine but I'm slowly starting to figure it all out, thankfully. So I guess the big news here is I'm going to be a Psych major now and I might be going to London this summer!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

"Money often costs too much."~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love this quote for the simple fact that it's so true. Money does cost too much: too much time, too much effort, too much stress, too much BLAH.
I can't stand it.
All of my life I watched my parents struggle with money. My dad was always getting laid off and my mom was just a waitress. Christmas and birthdays weren't extravagent. We lived in a two bedroom apartment in a not so great suburb of Saint Louis. But we made use with what we had. My brother and I never complained because we didn't know anything else. We were taught to be grateful for what we had and I am very grateful. I had a home and food to eat. I have a great family, good friends, and I'm in love and loved by my best friend. I count all these blessings.
But with the expenses of the apartment coming up it makes you think how hard you have it compared to others. My parents couldn't buy me a car for graduation. I can't even buy me a car. I can't wear the brands I want or decorate the apartment exactly how I would like. I'm going to be in debt for most of my life because nowadays you need an education to be anything.
It makes you bitter when you watch people around you buying houses and cars and having children and affording weddings. I barely afford my phone bill. but that's life.
I can sit here and say I wish I had it easier but I don't and that's how it is. Some people get lucky. I'm one of those people who was born to work and struggle for everything I have. And that's what I've done. Has it been easy? No. Do I get bitter because of it? Yes. But that's how it is and I can only change it myself and be the hard worker I am.
This ties into my weight issue. I just gotta do it instead of feeling bitter. That's how it is.

On a separate note, I'm considering taking a double major in Psychology. I've always loved it. I want to specialize in Developmental Psychology so it will let me work with kids which I love. This gives me a guarenteed outlet for a job. This career field is more secure than writing. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and we'll see what happens. I'm actually fairly excited about it.

I guess the main thought behind this blog is I just want to make the most of my life. I want to do well and give my children more than I had. I want to repay my mom for everything. I want to afford good presents for the people I love. I want to be able to make the life I want and the one I'm most happiest with. I want my husband to come home everyday to a home he can be proud of. A home I can be proud of . That's all I want in life: to look back on what I have and say "I earned this. I worked my rear end off for this and isn't it amazing?"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

A Long Wait, A Great Reward

"All good things arrive unto them that wait-and don't die in the meantime." ~Mark Twain

It finally happened. After two fails and thinking it was never going to work, Michael got approved for an apartment and is moving here early November.

I. Am. In. Complete. Awe.

I just can't believe that FINALLY I'll have my boyfriend here everday for lunch dates, dinner dates, date dates, and everything else. No more stupid Greyhound. No more going through crappy days with just his voice through a phone. No more being sad around other couples.It's all over in a month. Just one month. I am beyond estatic.

I can't wait until moving day. It will be amazing to have him here all the time.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"Stress" is Not in my Vocabulary

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandhi

So, just as a little update, my life has gotten a little hectic. I say hectic because I don't want to say "stressful." I hate that word. I would like to rid my vocabulary of the word "stress." And with everything going on, stressed is not something I want to describe myself as, more like "involved", "preoccupied", or just plain old "busy."

Just htis week alone I had a story and four exams. Can we say the buzz of our upcoming Fall Break is in the air? Plus, besides the immediate demands of school, I have other concerns.

Money is a main one. Yes, I know. I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be broke. I, on the otherhand, don't believe in that stereotype. I like to save and find bargains and all that great stuff. But lately, EVERYHTHING has wanted money out of me! I mean, jeez. Phone bill, neccessecities, going out, trying to save for studying in Europe, and not to mention a car. Where is all this money supposed to come from? I'm a full-time student with a work study job and a writing job. That is not enough to pull anything out of for savings.

Not to mention, Michael has an appointment this weekend to get the apartment, if he needs help with paying for anything in between transfering from St. Louis to here, I can't cover anything. I can barely cover for myself.

With all this said, I refuse to let myself get overwhelmed because I know it will all work out. College may be sucking the green out of me now, but this is an investment that will lead to a higher paying job than I would have had. I'm a smart girl who got myself here, and just like every young person I'll go through a broke period and then get it all right. I'm not going to speed up my life because it gets a little hectic.

I can be perfectly calm, cool, and relaxed and just figure things out as they come. On that note, I have to say this... "YAY, MICHAEL IS FINALLY GETTING A PLACE HERE!!!!!!!"

Saturday, September 11, 2010

To Go or Not To Go?

"We wander for distraction, but we travel for fullfillment." ~Hilaire Belloc

I have an issue that has been on my mind off and on for months, yet it's my prominent thought for the last few hours. So, here I sit on a porch swing behind my dorm, surrounded by the peacefulness of crickets and air. Maybe being out here and writing it all out will clear my mind?

Last year, I made the decision with myself to take the opportunity my University offers and study abroad in London which also provides school trips to other places. My financial aid carries over so all I have to pay for is travel expenses. I decided this, however, when I was single and I had no idea I would fall in love with my boyfriend, Michael.

Going to Harlaxton would mean five months in another country away form all of my family and most of my friends, and Michael. I miss Michael after not seeing him for a week, how would I get through five months?

He's making plans to move to Evansville in October to end the distance. And then next spring, I'm going to run off to Europe? How is that fair to have him drop everything and move away from everyone [friends and family] to start a life here with me that has no distance just for me to run off for five months and leve him here in a place he doesn't know anyone? I mean, does that seem unfair to anyone else because it does to me? I even feel a bit selfish.

He doesn't feel this way though. It's all my own feelings. He's pushing me to go and telling me he's not going to let me back out. But what if I want to?

There's another option of doing a five week summer program there but I don't think financial aid covers it plus it will cut down on the number of places I can travel.

I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to see all these amazing places like London, Irealnd, Italy, Wales, Scotland, etc. But is all that really worth putting that weight on my relationship and being unfair to Michael? Is it worth the chance of losing one of the best people in my life?

Maybe I'm being a little paranoid. Not sure. It's just been on my mind.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Bringing Out the Luck in Me

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I write about a lot of things: my friends, my family, school, troubles I'm going through, my daily life...etc. But one thing that stands as an undertone beneath all of this is Michael and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, there's so much I can say about him.

I never realized it but since we have started dating, Michael has been there for every little thing. Every little screw up or bad day, every little tear or smile. He was there. He's pushed me to my limit with everything in my life and to be honest I've been a happier person since I've let him become close to me.

It's hard to love someone, especially after getting hurt. That was the case for me. And here I am, happier than ever because I FINALLY opened up. I've had a lot of dark times this past year and when I think back over all of it, Michael is the brightest part. He never judged or criticized. He was just there.

They say the best person to marry is your best friend, and before this relationship, Michael was my best friend. Now he is still my best friend and also the love of my life. It took awhile to get to this point. It took me awhile to finally shut everyone out and think for myself.

But over the past weekend, I just had that moment where I looked at him and I just knew this is it. If I could pick one person to stand beside me, it would be him and all his little imperfections that everyone else seems to find. But to me, they're a part of him and they're what make him perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our situation isn't ideal. When is a long distance relationship ever ideal? But it's something I wouldn't want to go through with anyone but him. And the day he arrives with all his stuff to move into his own place down the street is the day I'll finally feel complete.

I've been thinking back to the person I was a year ago and she was a ;ot different than the woman I am now. I was girl then. Now, I feel like a woman. Michael lets me be smart, he lets me say what is on my mind, he never criticizes me even when he disagrees. He has truly opened the door for me to be who I am which I haven't been given that opportunity in my life before. But with him, it's easy.

So, sure, as Elizabeth Barrett Browning says, I love him for who he is and who he has become, but I love him more for the person I have become with him and I love him more for the person I'm going to continue to grow into. He brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. Together, we are more proud of ourselves than we were apart and that's when you know that love is true.

That's more than enough for me and if that's the card I got dealt, then I see myself as pretty damn lucky.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Who Knew Pooh Bear was as Impatient as I?

"How long does getting thin take?" ~Winnie the Pooh

My thoughts exactly.

Can I just tell you a little secret? BEING ON A DIET SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh, that's better. Oh, already knew that? Well, darn.

Actually, I'm not on a diet. I'm on this thing called "don't you dare eat that cookie or you will die!!!" or "eating so many vegetables you look green."

Maybe I'm overexaggerating. Point is, I've been trying to change my eating habits because there is this certain bikini I want to look amazing in next summer (along with other reasons) and I can't do it unless I put myself through this miserable thing called a diet.

I hate that word. I'm not on a plan made up by some bogus doctor or fame hungry celebrity. I'm on the old fashioned plan of no junk, more fruits, more veggies, and regular exercise. Shouldn't be so hard right?

Well it is when you're on a college campus that consists of junk food central and people eating junk food all around you. It makes abstaining from junk food a weeeee bit hard. And tonight was just one of those nights so I decided a blog of venting of my diet frustrations was a good distraction.

Moral of the story: Diets suck. I really want some ice cream but can't have it. The end.

(side note: I wonder if Pooh bear ever found an answer to his question because I would sure like to know.)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Many Meanings, One Word: Distance

"Insert here."

As you may have noticed, there is no quote for this entry for a very good reason. The topic is distance.

I searched every credible quote website I know of to find a quote for this and none of them fit because distance is something that everyone views or experiences differently. An army wife is going to experience a different sort of distance than a parent whose child has left for college. But in the end, it's still distance.

As much as I may not like it, distance plays a very big role in my life and to be honest, I can be quite resentful against it. But overall, who isn't? Distance is never a word anyone wants to hear. It means being away from someone or a whole group of someones for a period of time; It means not seeing someone on an every day, every week, and sometimes every month basis; It means expensive plane tickets and road trips that can not always be afforded; It means loneliness and ache for that person; It means worry when you can't always hear from that person; Distance is....well it's distance and it's something everyone experiences at least once n their life.

As a college student, I'm distant from all of my family, some friends, and my boyfriend. Phone calls, texts, mail, Internet, webcam, and occasional visits are what keep us in touch. Somedays it's hell. The miss becomes a lot when you're going through a hard time or some everyday thing reminds me of a certain someone. It can be hard.

But, what gets me through it is that one feeling you get when you first see that person again. I LOVE that feeling and as much as I hate distance, that feeling makes it seem minuscule the whole time I'm in the prescence of a friend, or family member, or my boyfriend. The longer the wait, the greater the feeling.

When I was an army girlfriend and hadn't seen my ex for months at a time, those two week intervals were what made my world turn. It's such a great feeling especially after you spend months worrying and aching. I have a lot of military associated friends and family who can relate to this.

Distance is hard. In relationships and friendships, sometimes it can result in the end of it. In families, it can mean a complete loss of touch. Distance causes pain and anger. It can cause depression and sadness. It's hardest when the one thing in the world you want is to see someone but you know you can't. This is distance from ALL points of view.

But, the point of this entry wasn't to make everyone depressed about distance. It's to make you all remember that feeling you get when you see that person again. It makes you realize that as much as being away from someone you love sucks, it brings you closer in a way. Love grows through it and explodes at that one point you see them again.

That's distance.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

From 19 to 20, From Melissa to Lissa, A Summer of Growing Up

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." ~May Lamberton Becker

In two days, my summer is over and my sophomore year of college begins. It's weird. A year ago, I was scared being a freshman in college would never happen now, I'm a sophomore and life as an adult is seeming to kick in real fast. I figured I needed to write this blog now because within these next two days I'm going to be too preoccupied with packing and saying temporary goodbyes.

It's weird how much you can learn in a summer. I know I did. It's weird to take in the last three and a half months and see where I am now. I can truly say that I took away a lot from this summer. I lost and I gained and I lived. And really, that's the best way I could have spent my summer. The lessons I've learned and the experiences I've had will all go back with me to Evansville. My time is Foley, MO was definitely well spent.

Four months ago, my neice most likely didn't know who I was. My sister knew I was her sister of course but she didn't know ME, nor did I really know HER. That was something I always hated. It was always a fear that my neice was going to grow up, not knowing who I was. I was never meant to be the distant aunt. I was never meant to be a distant anything. I like giving everyone in my family a part in my life and I like to be a part of theirs. Before this summer, I was distant, now I'm a part.

Kelli and Bob let me live with them for the summer because I needed a place to go. A place to call home for a summer. I'll admit, at the beginning of the summer, I felt so out of place and like a burden on them. Then my mom and brother left and I was lost. It wasn't easy at first, but you never learn from easy things. I came with the intention of getting my driver's license. That didn't happen which was a little discouraging at first, but I've got plan for when I go back to get it.

I'm not leaving with a driver's license, but I'm leaving with something better:

A sister who's favorite color is pink; who dances no matter how crazy she looks; who bleeds red (Cardinals!); who can crack me up and keep me laughing for hours; who is always there for late night chats; who loves her family more than anything; who is more like me than I ever would have thought.

A neice who is the most perfect little girl I have ever met; who is smarter than any 3 year old; loves Dora the Explorer; can never be parted from her red "manket"; loves kisses and hugs; can swing for hours; dances to party in the usa like it was written just for her; loves to be read a book every night; thinks sticking her butt in the sprinkler is the funniest thing in the world; has definitely stolen my heart this summer.

A brother in law who loves his fishing; thinks shotgunning a beer makes him a badass (lol); provides for his family the best he can; can never miss The Deadliest Catch and if he's watching it, you better shut up; believes in great first impressions; who is definitely the big brother I always thought I would have.

A nephew who is completely hilarious; who has such a gentle heart even if he doesn't show it under his preteenagehood manly exterior; loves to play video games but loves it more when you play with him; is pretty darn smart; is going to grow up to be a pretty awesome guy and is the best nephew I could have.

In part from just learning about my family, I learned about myself as well. I learned that:

~being yourself is the best possible way to have more true friends.
~my friends in high school gave me some really good memories but they have moved on and so have I and that's how life intended. They'll always be there for that small chat and reminiscing though.
~the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.
~that no matter how many mistakes anyone in my family has made, they can still come back from it and show you they can be a changed person.
~little brothers never stay little brothers. They get buff and grow taller and become big little brothers. =P
~Family is family and they will always be there when you need them.
~life is short so live it right.

That's only a few things...I could write forever and ever and think of so much stuff I've learned this summer.

I'm going back to school 20 years old and a new perspective on life. I've become Aunt Lissa to beautiful little girl and Lis to a totally awesome sister I'm happy I got to know. That is the best thing that could have happened in a summer.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Wo"man" Up!

"You were only given this life because you were strong enough to live it." ~Unknown

I really wish I knew who said that quote because in my daily life, I'm always refering back to it. Because if you really think about it, it's true.

Here I am in this stupid funk because of one very minuscule thing: other people. When have I ever let other people start running my life? I used to be an independent, who cares what you say kind of girl. Now it seems like every little thing someone else says about me or does to me sends me into a funk that has me wrapped in it's fury. What do I think of that? BLAH.

I come from a family of strong women who struggled against alcoholic men for year after year after year. My grandma was in the military for awhile until she started having kids. Then after years of abuse she was strong enough to leave and take her four kids with her and move on. THAT blood is running through my veins.

I come from a family where all my uncles and both my grandpas were in the military for years. Both of my grandpas fought in wars. They have seen and dealt with things unimaginable to a lot of people. THAT blood is running through my veins.

I, myself, went through two years with boot camp, AIT, and a deployment. I have lived 19 years with an alcoholic father. I have went through three unexpected family deaths and two unexpected friend's deaths. I have pushed myself into college when I thought it was impossible and I have managed to keep myself enrolled and financially afloat. THAT is the blood in my veins.

That's proof of the quote. I was given this ONE life because I am strong enough to live it. There is strength running in my veins and there is strength that I have built with experiences that I hve been through. If I have survived all of that, then nothing is impossible. NOTHING can take me down.

There is no fake person, long distance relationship, or ANYTHING that can ruin the strength that my family has bulit up for me and that I have built up for myself.

I was given this life to live it, not to sit back and cry because someone screwed me over. I was given this life to be the confident, talented woman I am and nothing should hold me back from that nothing.

It's time for me to wo"man" up because that is what I was raised to do, it's what is in my blood to do, and it is what I have done so many times before. So nothing, should bring me down. I was raised a fighter and I'm not going to let that stop now.

(Thanks Ash. I love you dearly.)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Conquer and Learn

"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, I find it funny I write more here than I do in my actual I should change that.

Anyway, just a quick update on life for anyone who actually reads this. Summer is still going well. I can't believe it's halfway over. It means before I know it, I'll be back sitting in my dorm, chatting with Kenz and procrastinating on homework. (Ah the joys of college life lol) I'm really excited for my birthday coming up. I'm having a party, which I've never been allowed to do and all my closest friends and Michael will be there. It's gonna be a blast. I really can't believe I only have like two more weeks left of being a "-teen". Craziness!

Kenzie and Haleigh drove up last week and we all hung out and had a blast. I've missed them since school let out., no doubt. I also got to see Christine for a few hours. It was great. Reminded me what great friends I do have and how much fun life can be.

Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows Michael and I went through a bad time. We broke up for a little while and I really thought it was going to be over because one thing after another kept happening. I want to make it clear, that we are not going into an on-off pattern. It's on for now and things are building back up to normal. I was reminded how much work relationships are. No relationship is easy no matter how much love there is and no matter how compatible a couple may be. That's just how it is. Hopefully that lesson will allow us to stay on track and keep working day by day.

There will be no apartment in August like I've talked about in previous posts. Michael isn't moving to Evansville in August like planned. So yes, the long distance relationship will continue, probably for another few months. I'm not exactly happy, but it's for a good reason. Michael has decided to enter a program (It's basically college except shorter) where he will be training to be a police officer. He's moving on to the campus and will begin classes and work as a secruity guard. By the end of the program he will have a certificate and be a liscened secruity guard. The program will take anywhere between two-six months. Michael is determined to finish as soon as possible. He's then going to enroll in the police academy in Evansville and that's when he will be moving. Then he'll complete his training and in two years chould be a police officer. I'm actually quite proud of this decision. Law Enforcement is a ver respectable career field and pays pretty well. So I'm really proud of him.

Slowly, as the summer progresses I'm getting my life to be more of what I want it to be. No more drama and no more wasting time on the past and the what could have been or should have been. I realized that when life changes as drastically as mine did, it takes awhle to adjust and get a balance back. I made lots of mistakes but I'm slowly fixing them and avoiding new ones. I need to rely on MYSELF and trust myself to live this life right. Trusting myself will allow me to, as Emerson mentioned, conquer a fear each day and learn along the way.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

In Memory

"He spake well who said graves are the footprints of angels." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today marks 4 years since my grandma passed away. It also marks the first time I'm not spending the anniversary with my grandpa. I guess it's hitting me kind of hard. I hate not being there on days I should be there for.

My grandma and I were really close. Hell, I was at her and my grandpa's house everyday practically when I was younger. I can remember some good summers. Like Grandma braiding my hair into piggytails to keep it out of my eyes, or her trying to fit into my Little Mermaid swimming pool with me and my brother, her getting a puppy just because I couldn't have one, always having a camera in my face because she loved taking pictures (hence where I got it from), or her just always stressing the importance of being there for family no matter how many mistakes they make. She always wanted to keep our family close. I remember one time she took me out shopping and I thought she was stealing earrings but she just had an itch under her shirt. We laughed for hours. Her love of wolves and angels is still all over the house. She loved old country music and loved to tell me how pretty of a girl I was and how she would need to chase off the boys. She loved all my friends and always wanted me to get as much time with them as I could. She stresses me being true to myself and getting into college. Well here I am.... God I miss her.

I just hope I'm making her proud, ya know.

Death is such a sensitive subject for me. I hate knowing that I can lose people I love forever. I hate it. I hate knowing that this life that I love so much is gonna end some day. It scares me that I won't live it right.

I hate that my grandma missed my graduation or me getting into college because these are things that were as important to her as they were to me. She was never selfish. Never. I got a lot about life from her and I don't ever take that for granted.

Days like these make me strive to be the best person I can everyday and enjoy my life to the fullest because you never know when it's gonna be over. I want to be close to my family and friends and love with all my heart and no fear because that's what my grandma would have wanted.

So, in memory of my grandma, I love you and you're always in my heart and on my mind. I know you are watching over me and I miss you more then you could ever know.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happiness in Imperfection

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." ~Unknown.

I really wish I knew who said this quote because it is one of my favorites for sure. It's so true. Life is not about perfection. It's about making the most out of the imperfections and finding what makes them work. Life is better imperfected I think. It makes it a more adventurous ride.

Today has been a great day and what have I done? Absolutely nothing. Routine trip to Wal-Mart with the sis and niece, work, time with the brother and niece, and then friend/Michael time. I've had a very balanced day really.

My question is that I'm pondering is why do we put so much emphasis on the stresses in our life? My weight, money, car stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah. In the end, it's all everyday technicalities that can be worked through. But what really makes life worth living day to day?

For me, it's this:

Waking up to my two year old niece banging on my door at 8 a.m. My sister and I cracking dumb jokes on the way to run errands still finding a way to laugh until our cheeks hurt even though running errands is no fun. My brother in law snoozing on the couch like a boulder totally impossible to even move. Getting an im from my friend Haleigh that turns into an "I miss you!" fest between her, Kenzie, and me and a possible get together being planned out. Talking about how bad our asses are on Facebook for all my friends to see with Cyndi and Clarissa. A totally sweet messege from my friend Jess. Skyping with Shannon and planning a trip to Georgia with Michael to see Ashley, who I've recently reconciled with and couldn't be happier about. Staying up late until Michael gets off work just to get a phone call in before he falls asleep even though I've been awake since eight thirty.

This is my day. And even though I can sit here and be crabby about waking up or not seeing my friends as much or whatever else, it doesn't even matter because all this made my entire day amazing. The great thing is, these were all tiny things that added up.

So why linger in minuscule, fixable, therefore pointless imperfections when I can take in all these little things and make them add up to one hell of a day that leaves nothing but happy feelings?

My point exactly.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them." ~Winston Churchill

I am not wise. If I was I would have learned the first time. And the second time. And then the third time.
It's hard to see how other people perceive you. It's hard to see yourself through their eyes. I wish I could because then so much would be different.
I seem to push everyone away with how I act and then I sit here wondering why they left. Because I made them. I've lost some friends I really cared about and loved having in my life. Now it's too late to get any of them back.
I had one of the best military wives as a friend and somehow I screwed it up because I had to write a stupid blog and be immature about a situation that could have been fixed. Now that's one less friend I have that I actually cared about having. I still think about it and even though I try not to regret things...this is one thing I kinda do. I think about trying to apologize but I would probably be wasting her time. She would never want me back as a friend and I have to live with that.
I ruined my first love by driving him away and then blaming him for everything. Sure, he made his mistakes but they didn't happen until I made mine. I think back to everything and no wonder he didn't pick me. I wouldn't have even picked me. And now I have to live with that too.
So yeah, I'm not wise. I didn't learn from past mistakes to become a better person. I blamed everyone else without seeing my own mistakes. I've been waiting for karma to come back around and wondering why things keep going wrong in my life and it's because karma has already come back around. I lost a great friend (plus some others) and a love that could have worked out if I had realized what I was doing to the relationship.
Now here I am doing the exact thing to my current relationships that I did to the others. So yeah I'm not wise. I've been stupid, jealous, and immature and it's too late to fix any of it. So now I'm stuck living with the knowledge that I did these things and now I can't change them or fix them.
I used to be happy. I used to think I had it all figured out. And now I've let myself down and I let a lot of other people down too. I talk about the poison that was in my life and really it was me poisoning my own life.
Why do I do this? Why do I act this way towards the people closest to me? Why can't I just be normal and let people enjoy being around me? Why do I have to sabatoge the good things in my life? And why do I blame others? Why do I have to not realize it after all is said and done and people have moved on while here I sit? Here I sit.
Funny how realizations come too late and don't make any difference when you really need them to.
To end this blog, I can only say this: To those who I have acted unforgivable to (if you even take the time to read this) I'm sorry for everything and I truly feel the regret I should have felt back then. I'm sorry I let you down.
Maybe I can start being a little wise now and make up for the mistakes I've made.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A New Thought For a Better Change

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Englebreit

So, I haven't written in awhile but there has been a reason for that. I've had so much stuff going on and I knew if I wrote I would just sit here and complain about everything so I didn't wanna do that. Complaining gets you no where.

Anyway, I guess I should update on everything that's been going on. My mom took my brother and left my dad. She went to Indiana. It was so easy to be angry at her because I came back to Missouri and then they left without even trying to see me and they have had these plans for months apparently. I was mad and felt abandoned that I can't see my own mother and brother for lord knows how long. They may come back, they may not. Who knows. It's weird because the three of us always stuck together and now I'm an odd ball out. That didn't help how angry I was. But I neglected to think that this is a chnage good for THEM. I already left and moved on. I already cut my ties. Now it's there chance. I should probably be proud of my mom for getting that far. Do I think it's permenant? I don't know. She'll get a break from dad and then think it's all better and go back. I don't think my mom will permenantly ever leave dad until James is graduated and moves in with me as the supposed plan says. But like I said, who knows?

I've been missing my friends a lot lately too. And not just my friends that I talk to everyday but ones that I don't talk to anymore or barely talk to. It's hard to forget about good times and then know that there won't be anymore with those people. It sucks but oh well. That's life. The people in my life now are the ones meant to be there.

My weight has been another thing. Even though I've lost almost ten pounds since I've been on summer break, I still hate the body I see in the mirror. And Michael hates it because like the great man he is, he just thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. But his opinion only matter so much. It's my opinion of myself that matters and I don't have the opinion I want.

And then things with Michael went through a rough patch and we're just now coming out of it thank god and hopefully we keep coming out of it. I think a lot of it came from me being so depressed about everything else and pushing him away. I just like to deal with things myself and he was there trying to help when I didn't want him to, but I finally realized that he was the one person I did need and after everything he still is. So yeah, hopefully we're coming out of this rough patch.

But now to refer to my quote. I need to start looking at the things I want changed and change them and change my way of thinking for the things I can't change. I'm in charge of my own happiness and dwelling on the past and the things I can't change which is why this quote is one of my favorite quotes.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Oh Life, How You Fly By!

"Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted." ~John Lennon

So I really can't believe it's already late May. Time is going by so fast, it's crazy but I'm lovin' every second of this summer.

Life here at my sister's is great. I'm getting so much time with my niece Maci and she is starting to get attatched to me. She's the cutest little thing ever. Kelli and I are getting closer too which is great because that's the way sisters should be. I definitely don't regret coming here for the summer (plus the look on Kelli's face when I'm driving is just too funny =P)

I love the job I got for the summer. It's at Maci's day care/school. I work as a teacher. The kids even call me Miss Melissa (although most of the time it comes out as Miss Wissa). Haha. It's such a fun job. I've always loved being around kids though because there is never a boring moment. I really do enjoy it. I'm hoping to find some freelance writing work to go with it, that way I can build my writing experience. That would be more than perfect. Not to mention, it makes me happier that now Michael and I are BOTH working. Hello apartment in August!!!!

Life is going pretty good and I'm still as happy as ever. My grades second semester got me a 3.5 gpa which had me jumping up and down. I was so happy. Time is flying by and it's definitley not being wasted. I still have so much I'm looking forward to.

Life is B-E-A-UTIFUL. =]

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Friday, April 30, 2010

Hearts As Free As Toes

"Summer is where the girls go barefoot and their hearts are as free as their toes." ~Anonymous

As my freshman year has come to an end and summer is starting there's so many feelings and reflections that occur. Its crazy. I'm excited for summer, even though I'll miss Evansville. I've begun to feel at home and even though they don't have a triumphant arch and Cardinals' baseball, I love this city.

I normally don't like summer because I'm just not one for hot weather, but I have a feeling this is gonna be a good one. I'm gonna make it a good one. Flip flops, baseball, concerts, barefeet, BBQ, the river, family, friends, and love. What's not good about that?

I've decided to spend the summer with my sister Kelli.[!] I'm really excited to spend it with her, my brother in law, and niece. It's gonna be great.

Summer does leave me with some goals. With a break from school I have more time to focus on things that I've been meaning to get done and things that are just coming up. So I've decided to make a list and I'll definitely write about each as I complete them. Now that's determination. [=P]

~Summer Goals 2010~
~Driver's license
~Lose weight [!]
~Save for Harlaxton and just save money in general
~Apartment hunting! [more Michael's goal than mine]
~Catch up on reading
Let the summer begin!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Winding Down

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis." ~Margaret Bonnano

So, I only have a week left of my freshman year of college and I can't believe it. It's crazy how fast time goes by and this year flew by. I have so many experiences and lessons I've taken from this year it's unbelievable. I've made friends, I've lost friends. I got my heart broken, I got it strenghtened. I fell out of love, I fell back in love. I cried, I laughed, I loved, I lost, I lived. It's amazing.

As things are winding down I'm faced with more decisions. What do I do for the summer? I want this summer to be my best yet and I have a good feeling that it will be. I'm waiting to hear back about this RA job. If I get it then I'll be able to stay here in beautiful Evansville. If not, then I've decided to go back to St. Louis. My dad is being a butt about that so I'll most likely end up staying with my sister and working in Foley. Either way is fine with me as long as I have a good time and make even more memories.

My last entries have been kinda crappy cuz I've been kinda crappy, which is why I chose that particular quote. You gotta take happiness day to day. When I really look at it, my life is going fairly well.

Michael is working so he'll be able to get an apartment in no time. We are still going strong. My grades are looking good for the end of this year. I have amazing friends and a good family. And I was definitely reminded of all this just this past weekend.

Sometimes we neglect to really cherish the things we already have. There's bad days, yes. But why focus on the bad things that happened that day when you can focus on little things that add up to a lot like a Wal-Mart run at midnight with friends, a phone call from your boyfriend just to say he loves you cuz he was thinking about you at work, or your mom saying she misses you. These things are little but they add up to a lot. They add up to your happiness at the end of the day.

I definitely look forward to more crazy-fun times with my friends, sweet moments with my Michael, and good times with my family. In the end, it's what makes life worth while and I see no problem with that.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Trouble Sleeping and Loneliness

"It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise." ~Eric Hoffer

Two entries within one day? Yeah that's right. I guess I just needed to write. Plus I can't sleep. And I'm feeling kind of lonely. And that always leads to thinking.

I'm still just worried about everything. I wanted to talk to Michael about it all but of course he was too busy. It's so weird. When I was an Army girlfriend, I was able to just deal and take care of myself and I got used to the loneliness. For some reason I lost that talent. I kind of wish I had it now. I have a feeling I'm going to be needing it. It's the distance again. I don't know why. I went through a deployment for christ's sake! Maybe it's because we were supposed to be getting things ready for an apartment but now... I don't know when we'll have it. I just wish things would fall into place. Not just for me, but for everyone. I want everyone to be happy. I want my best friend to get to see her boyfriend soon because she's missing him so much. I want my ex to be having a happy marriage. I want my old friends who I've lost or who I've just grown distant with all to be happy and getting what they wanted.

I just want it all to fall into place. I want my sacrifices and tears to mean something in the end. It scares me that it won't. Failure is always a fear.

I feel on the verge of tears and I really can't explain why. Stress? PMS? Realizations?

This is what it's like to be an adult. Taking thingd day by day and hoping for the best while working through things day by day. In the end, I just want to be the best person I possibly can. I want to be strong and I wanna be doing the right things for myself. I just want to succeede and hang on to happiness.

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling. Maybe I should stop. It's just I CAN'T SLEEP and I want to sooo bad. I'm not used to going to sleep without talking to Michael first. God it's only his first day and I'm already being a baby about him being too busy. I'm trying to keep in mind its toward our future but I don't know. I just really needed to talk to him tonight. And of course the thing you need is never available. I'll just get used to it I guess. I wish I still had that army girlfriend strength I used to have. I have no clue where it went. I miss it though.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Worries, Worries, Worries

"I won't worry my life away." ~Jason Mraz

So the semester is winding down and my body and mind has become a bottle of worries.

Every little grade to me is a chance to earn or lose my scholarship. I'm working my butt off to keep my grades up and the pressure is getting to me. I'm re-taking tests I don't so well on. I'm reading non-stop. I'm constantly pondering all my papers and all the things due. Constantly. It's not fun.
At least I only have 3 finals out of 5 classes That helps, I guess.

I had a job interview today for a summer job on the RA staff and I'm a bundle of worries that I'm not gonna get it. I did my best at the interview and I think I handled it well for it being my first job interview ever. I'm worried because I NEED this job. It's good pay and good experience and lets me stay in Evansville. I NEED to be able to stay here. If I don't get this job, I really don't know where to go next except off to my grandma's where I'm isolated from all my friends, from Michael, and from freedom. That just can't happen. I NEED this one thing to go right for me. If nothing else goes right I at least want this to.

Michael started his new job today and it's weird barely talking to him throughout the day. It's gonna take some getting used to, I guess. I was an army girlfriend for two years. THis is nothing compared to how that was.

I guess I'm just being a worrywart. I'm afraid nothing is gonna go right and it makes me nervous. Michael getting the apartment in May already fell through and I think it's got my cautious about everything else.

I guess I should keep in mind those very insightful words of Mr. Jason Mraz.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Was This Worth the Time to Write

"Life in true sense is perceiving or thinking."~ Aristotle

Sometimes we just have to sit back and think about things to make sense of them. Life is filled with so much going, going, going that sometimes we neglect to sit back and actually THINK about what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we neglect to savor the moment. And sometimes a little thought could have led to a better decision.

I've just had a few thoughts tumbling around in my mind that I guess I wanted to address. It's more for just peace of mind I guess. Since tomorrow is the beginning of a new weeks, I guess you could call it cleansing.

I realize I'm not a perfect person. I never thought that I was. I've made a lot of mistakes and decisions that maybe I'm not too proud of, but the fact of the matter is life goes on. If I could stop time and just re-do some things, I still would never change a thing because I'm learning from every moment.But the learning is an everyday process. I'm still not the person I wish to be.

One thing that's really been bugging me is certain comments people keep making about my relationship with Michael. Okay, yes I was "in love" with someone else just two months before I started dating Michael. Does this make me look bad? Most likely. Does it make me look fickle? Yes. Does it make me look as if I'm rebounding? Yes. I realize all these things and I acknowlede it. But what people don't realize is I didn't plan to be in a relationship right now. If you look at previous entries, I had planned to be single for awhile. That's what my intentions were. And if Michael wasn't in my life, I would still be single and I can guarentee that because I didn't want another relationship. I told Michael this numerous times. This relationship was not in my original plan. I was gonna focus on school and then go to my grandma's for the summer and that's what I had planned. People aren't getting that though and all they wanna do is judge. And it's really not fair because what they think is not how it went down. And I don't know why I'm gonna sit here and explain this but I'm only going to do it once. Yes, I loved Steven. But it was a love I formed when I was seventeen. I hadn't had much experience considering how my parents were and all that, but yes I was with him for two and half years and I had planned on marrying him. Things didn't turn out that way obviously. He got back from deployment, ended things, and married someone else all within a month. And I'm the fickle one? Things had gotten bad in the last 6 months of his deployment. Our relationship had been over for awhile before it was officially over. The love we once had was already gone. It took a lot pain to open my eyes. And looking back, I'm not angry anymore and I'm not bitter. But what people don't understand is Michael has ALWAYS been there. Even after I hurt him, he never left. He always wanted to be with me and I was blinded by everything with my ex that I never saw it or took the time to consider it. That was one of my biggest mistakes. There are people who look at me as if I'm doing something wrong by opening up again and being happy and in love. There is no time limit on how long it takes to fall in love. What do people expect me to do? Still be sitting here trying to get over my ex? No. It wasn't worth taking the time. I accepted it and I moved on. That's what you do in life and now I'm happier than I was before. I want my friends to see that aspect. Things change and things happen that open your eyes to stuff. That's what happened with me. I didn't go out and hook up with the first random guy I saw (which I could have easily done, it's college), I didn't run out and get married, nor did I rush into anything like that. I cried my tears, accepted what happened, went on with my life, and then Michael came in and told me how he felt. For weeks I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. And then one day I just realized life was too short to just sit there and miss out on something that could be good. And here I am now.
For anyone who wants to say that my feelings aren't real or this relationship isn't real, I want to remind them that these are MY feelings. Not theirs. And I'd appreciate that people would just step back and stop judging. I know what I feel and I know what HE feels and that's what matters in the end. I'm happy so if you're my friend please jsut accept that and be happy that things turned out better for me than I had ever planned.It just happened that way. I'm not fickle and I'm not rebounding,

Another thing that's been on my mind is what I'm going to do with this writing degree that I'm in the process of earning. I know teaching isn't my thing and as I spend more time in copyediting I realize that editing really isn't my thing either. So what am I going to do? I want to write books but that's so hard to get into. I need a job that will give me a regular paycheck. Librarian, maybe? I don't know but I'm in the market for suggestions. I'd rather be a college graduate who is actually working.

Next, my parents. I admit I haven't been acting like an adult when it comes to them. And I realize that needs to stop. I can't go forever avoiding it. It's just not going to work. And I can't sit here and make excuses but that's not gonna fix anything. I want my parents to see me as an adult so I guess I need to act like one towards them.

Lately, people's opinions of me have really been bothering friends, my family, ex-friends, and even Michael. It's bad that I take into account so much what people think but people's perspective of you can give you insight into things about yourself that you don't neccessarily notice. And there are certain things recently that I'm not too proud of and totally contradict the person I've been trying to be. I guess I should apologize. And I sincerely mean how sorry I am.

I don't know if anything I said means anything to anyone, but at this very moment, it's the best I can do and I hope it was worth the time to write.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

And It's the Life With You That I Love

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." ~Win Borden

I begin this entry with that quote just because it stands out to me. We are all guilty of waiting around until the moment presents itself to us. Why wait? If we're all waiting around for everything to feel "right" then how the hell will we ever live? Just a thought.

Life is still good. The semester is winding down so my weeks are filled with papers, presentations, and soon finals. I really can't believe freshman year is almost over. It went so fast and yet I learned so much. I guess that's the point of college. I had some hard times this year but I feel as if I bounced back pretty well. My life is back on a path that I'm fairly comfortable with.

I have this 10 page research paper coming up that I have to write and my topic is alcoholism. I chose it because I could relate to it from the background I was raised in. Also, I just want to understand it better. Anyway, I had to meet with my professor about it and we were talking about consequences and how wives may leave their alcoholic significant other and he brought up a point I had never even realized. What about the husband's needs? The wife may be doing what she feels is best for herself and her children, but the husband is a human being as well so what about him? Is she just supposed to leave him there to wallow in the addiction? What can you do when the person doesn't want help? All these questions are just dumbfounding me. I really feel this paper is gonna be more than the aggravation that papers usually are. I'm actually excited to write it because I know it will open my eyes to a lot.

Other than school, everything else is good too. I'm hoping to stay in Evansville for the summer. I've been filling out job applications and such for a summer job so I'm hoping to hear back from someone. Michael is still planning the big move for May 2nd and has an appointment with one apartment complex. It's hard not to get worried that it's all not gonna work out. But I have a tremendous amount of optimism and faith in the situation. He has a job already and it's just the apartment that needs to fall into place. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everything.

Our relationship is still the best ever. We get along too well. It's crazy. I get to see him next weekend and I'm super estatic. Plus it'll be Sunset Concert. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, my boyfriend, and my friends? Now that's perfection.

Also, I'm determined to do this whole eat healthy thing. I really just want to lose weight. So yes I've gotten off to a good start today but the day isn't over. It's always at night where I have the problem with snacking. It's all about self-control. So that's another big thing going on in my life.

I feel as if I've taken my life more into my own hands. And normally that would be kinda scary but I trust myself more than anyone and that's what keeps me grounded. I'm not scared to just go out and do something because I want to. It's quite fullfilling. Hopefully my life stays on this track and it just keeps getting better.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Parents: How Do I Make Them Understand?

So, Michael and I have been dating a little over a month now and I have yet to tell my parents. They just know that I was considering it, and not that me and him have been dating that long already.
I don't know why I'm such a pushover when it comes to my parents. I swear I don't have a rebellious bone in my body. It sucks because I feel so held back by my parents sometimes and they always make me second guess things.
I still wish they didn't wanna control every aspect of my life. I could care less about my dad. It's my mom that gets me. She just wants to control who I date and she freaks out every time. I know she just wants the best for me and just doesn't want me to get stuck with a loser guy. But she should just understand that it's my choice and I wish she would trust my decisions because I am capable of making them myself and being smart about it.
I've already proved that I'm a responsible and mature adult. I got myself into college. I'm working two jobs and keeping track of all my finances. I've accomplished more on my own than I ever did there.
It urks me and I'm even more nervous about Michael because I REALLY want them to like him. He's come such a long a way and is so amazing. Plus he just makes me really happy and isn't that's what matters?
I've never been this happy. He keeps me motivated for school and he's always there when I need to listen. He's everything my mom has told me time and time again that I deserve. My grades are way higher than they were last semester because of a lot of help from Michael. He keeps me grounded and focused on what's important. He always makes sure I put him last.
I sound like I'm trying to convince them here, but in the end I gotta suck it up and tell them. It's my life, right? I'm in control, not them.

Friday, March 26, 2010

"The Fact is, One Grows Out of People, and the Only Thing is to Face It"

"It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people, and the only thing is to face it." ~W. Somerset Maugham

I seem to be missing my old friends lately. Ya know, the friends you have in high school who you swear and make pacts with that you'll always be best friends. It's weird that back then high school seemed like it was never gonna end and then you hit college and adulthood and high school just becomes...well...high school.

The best friends I had in high school, I don't even talk to anymore and when we do talk it's awkward. I didn't notice how distant we all had grown until I talked to Jasmine who was my high school best friend and I realized how much out of the loop I really was. It's really weird how just months ago we knew every little detail about each other's lives, now we barely know who is dating who.

It just made me realize how I'm barely friends with anyone I used to be friends with. Sure, we talk now and again but that's not the same as actual friendship.

When I was going through a rough break up, only a select few people were there (you know who you are). But where was everyone else? It's sad to me how you can be so close to someone and then it all changes. I try to keep in touch with everyone but after awhile they just seem too busy to care so you just stop trying.

As I grow older I've noticed that you no longer have that huge group of friends, you have those select few people who you KNOW are gonna be there and will take the time to check up on you no matter how busy they get or how far they are. Those are the true friends.

Losing touch with old friends is life I've learned. It just happens. I just have to be grateful for the true friends who do stick around.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is is good or bad?
Lately, all I've seen is bad. I really haven't liked my body image at all the past weeks. I hate getting dressed in the morning because I hate looking in the mirror. I just don't like what I see. I don't like my body at all. I hate it.
And then I look tired all the time and pale. I guess I'm just not seeing myself through "nice" eyes lately. Oh well right?
I'd like to sit here and say I am who I am but it doesn't feel that way when I always look like crap compared to people around me. Idk. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. Whatever.

It's A Good Life

"All I want is a little of the good life/ All I need's to have good time"
Just an update on the lovely life of Melissa =)
Danielle and I hadn't talked in a week and she finally talked to me today and we talked things out. Everything is good again and I have one of my best friends back. You have no idea how happy that makes me!!!!
Also, today is me and Michael's first anniversary ever. hehe It's been really fantastic. Although it's sad we can't see each other, it's still been great. I feel pretty lucky. I get to see him soon and he says he has a big surprise for me so I can't wait =) He's decided he's moving here the first week of May so that we can end this distance thing. He's already found a pretty good apartment he likes. It's beautiful and is pretty inexpensive. Also, he's been contacted about online classes so when he gets settled in, he'll get to start those next fall. I'm so proud of him. He's brought himself so far after falling so low and now he's getting everything put together and taking control of his life. He wants to go into criminal justice. I think he'd be great at that. Like I said, I'm so proud of him.
Lately, I've just felt really lucky. My life is going in a good direction and I'm really proud of it. I don't think I've been this happy. My classes are going better, I've grown closer with my TRUE friends, and I've moved on from a pretty dark time in my life to something better.
Like Marilyn Monroe once said "Good things fall apart so greater things can come together."
And I've truly had some great things fall into place. I just hope it keeps getting better.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

Even though half the time, Fall Out Boy's songs mean absolutely no sense, this title and even a few of the lines totally fit what happened to me.
"They say, "You want a war? You've got a war." But who are you fighting for? The tides out, the ships run aground. We drown traitors in shallow water."
But my question is who is the traitor here: me or Danielle?
I dated Michael first, and then she dated him, and now I unexpectedly started dating him again. I didn't plan it to happen. It's not I like a sat there and plotted it. This is beginning to be little childish middle school crap and I had enough and I told her straight up. I'm sick of her stupid ass comments to me and publicly on my statuses. I'm sick of her trashing MY boyfriend to everyone including to him. I'm sick of her games and petty drama she starts with him until the point that he's exploding at her to leave him alone. It's bullcrap and I had enough.
I wish she would get over it. We are adults. This isn't Junior High. It would be different if he and her had dated for a year or longer. No, they dated two months. TWO MONTHS! That's nothing to act like this over.
Plus she wants to sit there and complain about how bad a boyfriend he was to her yet the way she's acting now doesn't make her look any better. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER and her and Michael are prime example.
The crap they went through happened last Novemeber. This is almost April. And it's not like she hasn't moved on. She's went out with plenty of guys. She's just being selfish and can't let Michael be happy, which he finally is.
I don't know if she's jealous or just trying to be plain difficult but it aggravates me. If she was really my friend she would just be happy for me because I'm happy. But no. She has to be selfish.
I do feel sorry if she got hurt by him, but that's between her and him and it's in the past. THE PAST! She doesn't need to act like that with me. It's not my fault they weren't meant to be together and me and him just so happen to be more compatible. We're happy. I wish she would be happy too. It's just frustrating.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sunshine and a Little Luck

So, my last post was so negative I figured I'd write another now that I'm feeling better. The sun finally came out today and it's hard not be happy when the sun is out. Also, today is St. Patrick's day, the day of luck, and it got me thinking about just how lucky I really am. I mean, I was able to get myself into college, get two jobs, and become completely independent of my parents. Not only that, but I have some great people in my life who I'm pretty lucky to have. I guess I wanted to focus this entry on them.
My brother James. He was like my best friend growing up. With all the drama between our parents we always needed each other for support. Now he's all grown up and becoming the protective brother and I still see him as my little goofy baby brother.
My gramps: He had to have been the best male figure in my life. He never lets anything bring him down. He's always been a quiet man without much to say but when he does say something, you automaticaly listen. I have tremendous respect for him.
My Grandma: She had an alcoholic husband and had enough strength to leave him. She hasn't needed a man since. I believe that speaks for itself.
My sister: We were never that close but I've always looked up to my sister. She's always been this free spirit who radiated strength. Looking at her, you know she won't take crap off of anyone. I've always admired that. Plus, she's such a great mom to my niece. She would do anything for that little girl.
My mom: Even though me and her differ on a lot of things, she's always just wanted the best for me and she pushes me to do my best. Plus, she's gotta be a strong woman to put up with my dad.
Kenzie: I got lucky with her just because she didn't turn out to be one of those crazy roommates. But also She has been a great friend. She puts up with all my annoying habits and in the end I know she loves me. She's been there for a lot of tears. I don't know where I would be without this girl.
Michael: Now when I say he is the most amazing boyfriend ever, I mean it. I can't even express how lucky I am to have a guy like him love me so much. He has been there for me through everything and he loves me to death. I couldn't have asked for anyone better than him.
Other people I definitely have to mention are Danielle, Sunnie, Cyndi, Jess, Angela, Clarissa, Jennifer, and Beth. They've all been great friends and have been there even after college.
Overall, I guess I'm a pretty lucky person. I just hope I've been just as great of a person to these people as they are to me.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Just Angry

I don't know what my deal is. I'm filled with so much anger today. Sure, my spring break sucked and things aren't going exactly how I would want them.
Everytime I turn around, my past is biting me in the butt. My so called father treated me like crap the ENTIRE time I was home. I've spent months trying to move on from his abuse and alcoholism and within one week I was sucked right back into the middle of it. I had to make the decision that I'm never going back to stay there which mostly likely means I won't have a relationship with him. In some sense, I feel bad that I don't want him in my life, but why should I? He does nothing but tear me down. I've been a mess since I've been around him. I'm tired of him in my life. It's time to be done.
Then my so called friend ruined my last day with my boyfriend and I'm just pissed. Friends don't do that no matter what the circumstances are. To me it just showed how little she cares about my happiness.
Also to top things off my ex and his wife think it's okay to keep trying to contact me and it's really pissing me off. I stay out of their life for a reason... I DON"T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. It makes me angry that he of all people after all the crap he did to me and put me through thinks he can keep putting his stupid selfish presence in my life. No, he lost that privilege when he decided to screw me over and treat me like dirt.
I'm angry because I went on spring break with goals and NOTHING got accomplished. I didn't even manage to get my license because of my stupid dad and I have no idea what to do.
And I'm mad that my boyfriend lives in Saint Louis and I'm sick of people telling me to find someone here. I just wish people would shut their mouths. I'm sick of hearing everyone's opinion. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I should be happy right now and I'm not and that's making me even more angry. I hate my stupid alcoholic dad who doesn't get it, my friend who thinks revenge gets her what she wants, stupid exes who don't get the hint, and stupid long distance.

Friday, March 5, 2010

How is this possible?

Wow. I don't know how this is possible? You're not supposed to be this in love after a week. What am I, crazy?
I've never been this happy. He's absolutely amazing.
People are gonna say that's so stupid. You can't fall in love in a week. You're using this as a rebound, just knock it off.
Don't think this thought hasn't occured to me. And trust me, I've thought a lot.
This is definitely NOT a rebound. This is something real. I don't feel blinded. Nor do I feel as if he occupies every aspect of my being. That's how I know this isn't a rebound. This is just what it is.
He makes me smile more than anyone. He brings out the best in me and that's something I've never found in a boy. When he speaks, you can just feel the love in his voice. We get along perfectly. Sure, we have room for disagreements, but it never goes that far.
For once, I finally see the connection of "my boyfriend is my best friend." I've never had that before. I've always been put on the outside trying to look in. With Michael, he seems to fit me in without a problem because he WANTS me there.
I've always wanted someone to fit into my life without forcing him. I have yet needed to try. It amazes me, but I just don't need to try.
I've never felt able to completely be myself and he just brings it out. That's gotta be something real.
Deep down, I think I've always known there was something here and everyday it gets deeper. I've never met a guy who treated me this well without being told. I've never once had to show him or tell him how I want to be loved. He just does it.
For once, I don't have to make a single sacrifice because he finds me worth it all. He's moving here soon to close the distance. For once, someone finds me worth not leaving. He sees me as worth being with everyday.
So to those who say there's no way I can be in love and feel as if he just might be what I've been looking for all along, you're wrong.
When you find that person, you just know. And there isn't a doubt in the world.
I know I've said this in the past, but little did everyone know that I doubted him everyday.
With Michael, I'm completely free.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sometimes College Isn't Fun

I swear sometimes I hate college. All the professors know that we all have spring break fever right now yet they give us papers and exams, seriously?
I can't even get my brain on my paper topic, let alone write this five page paper analyzing how Gandhi was compassionate. If spring break wasn't starting tomorrow this paper would be a piece of cake.
I love college most of the time. And I love being here, but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by all this crap. I know this is my own fault. I should just buckle down and do what's expected of me but there are just some nights when my MIND JUST WON"T FOCUS.
I really just want to go to sleep and not have a care in the world. I wanna sit here and daydream about the fantastic spring break I have ahead of me.
But no.
I can't.
Because I'm a college student.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

My Only Exception

Some lyrics from Paramore's "The Only Exception":
"Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this keeping it confortable, distance, and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk, but you are the only exception. You are the only exception..."
New relationships are weird. I've had to get used to this whole new thing. It's really different. What's even weirder is I'm falling in love. I think I already have.
Michael is great. We've been friends for years and we kinda dated for a few weeks when me and my ex broke up but as soon as my ex came back I broke things off with him and we just stayed friends. I never really gave him a REAL chance and I did a shitty thing to him. But now here we are and he's the greatest boyfriend I could ask for. He has been there for me through everything even when I was in love with someone else.
When everything with Steven happened I didn't think I could love someone like that again and slowly but surely I am proving myself wrong. I think about him all the time and I get the cute little butterflies. It's awful but great at the same time.
I'm still adjusting. There were things I'd do that Steven used to bitch at me for and yell at me and Michael doesn't. He loves everything about me. I'm still cautious though. I can act as goofy as I want, I can sing on the phone, I can make corny jokes, I can break down and cry about something completely stupid and he loves me just the same. I think being friends for so long helps.I feel completely comfortable with him and he thinks about things that I never have, things that concern me.
He's the first guy to ask me if I've done my homework and if I haven't he'll say "Baby, school before me. I love you. Call me when your done."
The things that are important to me are also important to him. He encourages me to write and sing. He's polite and friendly to my friends. And he's proud of me no matter what.
It's amazing how the whole time my perfect guy for me was right there and I was too blinded to see him. I'm glad I see him now and I truly look forward to a future a with him. He's made mistakes like anyone else but to me he's absolutley perfect and I love him. It's about time I got a good man.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Here's to New Beginnings

So, after TONS of thinking, TONS of tears, and TONS of realizations, I have finally found someone who I see is worth opening up to. I kept sitting here being all afraid but the minute I called him my boyfriend, it just all melted away. I have high hopes for this and I know better and I'm a lot wiser. I feel as if I have a sharper mind.
He knows I'm not going to take any shit and he treats me fantastic.I don't think I've ever been treated this way. The best thing is I don't have to ask. He just knows and he does it. I really think I've found someone amazing. Although I already knew he was amazing since I've been friends with him for over two years.
I really feel like this is gonna be something great so here's to mended hearts and learning to open up again after being hurt.
Here's to new beginnings.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Up to MY Standards:Moving On

Okay, so I've made a decision for myself. (Yay me!)
I'm not "looking" for anyone to date. NO ONE. Yup that's right.
See, the whole boyfriend thing is great and I want that but right now I feel like I don't need that. I need to be single to get to know this fantastic girl named Melissa again ;)
And actually, I'm pretty content being single right now. It's nice to just have me, myself, and I to worry about. Plus I get to dedicate more of my time to my friends and family who always appreciate that.
So my motto now is "Whatever happens happens"
I'm not going to look for anything. I want it to find me because the things that find you are soo much better. When you force it to happen, it loses its sincerity. Sincerity is good. We like sincerity.
Plus there's a lot of things I've wanted to do that I always pushed back or something else took more precedent.
I want to get a gpa above a 3.3. Last semester I got a 2.7 which isn't bad but it's not high enough to keep the scholarship that has me here nor is it representative of what I'm actually capable of.
I want to keep the poisonous people out of my life. But since Steven, I think I've got that covered. I'm definitely a better judge of character now. I swear, him walking away was the best thing that ever happened to me. So I'll rephrase my sentence, I want to keep any form of poison out of my life.
I want to get my driver's license FINALLY! Oh my god I have a deep desire for it. Getting that piece of plastic will make my entire life. I'm going home for spring break and I'm going to MAKE my sad excuse of father teach me to drive and take me for that test. I'm not leaving with out it.
I want to finally lose all the weight I've wanted to lose for years. I'm not as heavy as I used to be and I don't see myself as fat but I don't see myself as up to my own standards. So yes, I'm going to develop an actual plan and I'm going to fight this. I wanna be able to feel good in all those cute summer clothes and feel confident enough to buy a *gasp* bikini.
Those are the main goals I'm tackling now. I have more but those can wait until I get these under my belt.
I feel very empowered. Like seriously. I like that I'm starting to live life by MY standards. So, THIS is what it feels like to let go and move one. Man, I could get used to this. =)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

There's A First Time For Everything

My first blog, hmmm where do I even begin?
Well, how about the reason I started this. First off, I love to write and although I've always posted blogs on Myspace and "notes" on Facebook, I needed something more...professional(?). I've always used writing as a release. And lately, I feel like I've lost touch with this passion I had for it. College homework can do that, I guess. I want to revive my passion and so much has been going on in my life it's unbelieveable.
I feel like I'm reinventing myself. For 19 years I was under strict control of my abusive, alcoholic father. Then for two years, I was an army fiance. I guess you can say I haven't had much luck with men.
Anyway, now its just plain ol' me. No one is holding me back anymore so what do I do now?
I can be whoever I want.
I've been through a lot in my life. Some of it amounted to nothing, but in the end I see it's all amounted to the person I am now so that must be worth it.
I've been hit and called names by my father, watched him do it to my mom, learned what a true friend is; I've fallen in love and had to force myself to fall out of it; I've been through a deployment and ended up no where; I've had to watch the person I loved most walk right out of my life without looking back; I've had to hear stories of this person I gave everything to and yet here I stand without him as he gets married and starts a family after only a month; I've been cheated on and lied to and I've made plans only to have to start from scratch; and I've lost faith in a lot.
I could go on and on. In the end I'm me. I'm here and I'm strong and I regret nothing.
Nothing at all.