Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"Stress" is Not in my Vocabulary

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandhi

So, just as a little update, my life has gotten a little hectic. I say hectic because I don't want to say "stressful." I hate that word. I would like to rid my vocabulary of the word "stress." And with everything going on, stressed is not something I want to describe myself as, more like "involved", "preoccupied", or just plain old "busy."

Just htis week alone I had a story and four exams. Can we say the buzz of our upcoming Fall Break is in the air? Plus, besides the immediate demands of school, I have other concerns.

Money is a main one. Yes, I know. I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be broke. I, on the otherhand, don't believe in that stereotype. I like to save and find bargains and all that great stuff. But lately, EVERYHTHING has wanted money out of me! I mean, jeez. Phone bill, neccessecities, going out, trying to save for studying in Europe, and not to mention a car. Where is all this money supposed to come from? I'm a full-time student with a work study job and a writing job. That is not enough to pull anything out of for savings.

Not to mention, Michael has an appointment this weekend to get the apartment, if he needs help with paying for anything in between transfering from St. Louis to here, I can't cover anything. I can barely cover for myself.

With all this said, I refuse to let myself get overwhelmed because I know it will all work out. College may be sucking the green out of me now, but this is an investment that will lead to a higher paying job than I would have had. I'm a smart girl who got myself here, and just like every young person I'll go through a broke period and then get it all right. I'm not going to speed up my life because it gets a little hectic.

I can be perfectly calm, cool, and relaxed and just figure things out as they come. On that note, I have to say this... "YAY, MICHAEL IS FINALLY GETTING A PLACE HERE!!!!!!!"

Saturday, September 11, 2010

To Go or Not To Go?

"We wander for distraction, but we travel for fullfillment." ~Hilaire Belloc

I have an issue that has been on my mind off and on for months, yet it's my prominent thought for the last few hours. So, here I sit on a porch swing behind my dorm, surrounded by the peacefulness of crickets and air. Maybe being out here and writing it all out will clear my mind?

Last year, I made the decision with myself to take the opportunity my University offers and study abroad in London which also provides school trips to other places. My financial aid carries over so all I have to pay for is travel expenses. I decided this, however, when I was single and I had no idea I would fall in love with my boyfriend, Michael.

Going to Harlaxton would mean five months in another country away form all of my family and most of my friends, and Michael. I miss Michael after not seeing him for a week, how would I get through five months?

He's making plans to move to Evansville in October to end the distance. And then next spring, I'm going to run off to Europe? How is that fair to have him drop everything and move away from everyone [friends and family] to start a life here with me that has no distance just for me to run off for five months and leve him here in a place he doesn't know anyone? I mean, does that seem unfair to anyone else because it does to me? I even feel a bit selfish.

He doesn't feel this way though. It's all my own feelings. He's pushing me to go and telling me he's not going to let me back out. But what if I want to?

There's another option of doing a five week summer program there but I don't think financial aid covers it plus it will cut down on the number of places I can travel.

I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to see all these amazing places like London, Irealnd, Italy, Wales, Scotland, etc. But is all that really worth putting that weight on my relationship and being unfair to Michael? Is it worth the chance of losing one of the best people in my life?

Maybe I'm being a little paranoid. Not sure. It's just been on my mind.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Bringing Out the Luck in Me

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I write about a lot of things: my friends, my family, school, troubles I'm going through, my daily life...etc. But one thing that stands as an undertone beneath all of this is Michael and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, there's so much I can say about him.

I never realized it but since we have started dating, Michael has been there for every little thing. Every little screw up or bad day, every little tear or smile. He was there. He's pushed me to my limit with everything in my life and to be honest I've been a happier person since I've let him become close to me.

It's hard to love someone, especially after getting hurt. That was the case for me. And here I am, happier than ever because I FINALLY opened up. I've had a lot of dark times this past year and when I think back over all of it, Michael is the brightest part. He never judged or criticized. He was just there.

They say the best person to marry is your best friend, and before this relationship, Michael was my best friend. Now he is still my best friend and also the love of my life. It took awhile to get to this point. It took me awhile to finally shut everyone out and think for myself.

But over the past weekend, I just had that moment where I looked at him and I just knew this is it. If I could pick one person to stand beside me, it would be him and all his little imperfections that everyone else seems to find. But to me, they're a part of him and they're what make him perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our situation isn't ideal. When is a long distance relationship ever ideal? But it's something I wouldn't want to go through with anyone but him. And the day he arrives with all his stuff to move into his own place down the street is the day I'll finally feel complete.

I've been thinking back to the person I was a year ago and she was a ;ot different than the woman I am now. I was girl then. Now, I feel like a woman. Michael lets me be smart, he lets me say what is on my mind, he never criticizes me even when he disagrees. He has truly opened the door for me to be who I am which I haven't been given that opportunity in my life before. But with him, it's easy.

So, sure, as Elizabeth Barrett Browning says, I love him for who he is and who he has become, but I love him more for the person I have become with him and I love him more for the person I'm going to continue to grow into. He brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. Together, we are more proud of ourselves than we were apart and that's when you know that love is true.

That's more than enough for me and if that's the card I got dealt, then I see myself as pretty damn lucky.