Friday, March 30, 2012

New Look!

I wanted to change things up so I hope ya'll like the new look! I do!
I wanted to make my blog look a little more "me" so enjoy.
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

There are a lot of things I want out of life. When I think of a happy life I see myself surrounded by good family and friends, a few dogs (all adopted from shelters), my writing degree hanging in an in-home office/library, photo albums full of travels throughout Europe and places in the US interspersed between adventures with those I love; a wonderful guy by my side, and a healthy me.
I've talked a lot about where I'm going after I graduate in a little over a year. The options are endless. Right now, the plan is to move to northern Indiana around the Muncie area. My grandma is getting ready to retire and with my aunt and uncle busy working, they need help with the kids. Plus, I think after 4 years of being away from my family and learning some pretty hard lessons, I need to be back in my comfort zone for a little while. As far as work or grad school, I'll be applying to Ball State to see if I get into their English program. Also, I'm going to take the Praxis exam to get certified to teach pre-school as a back up plan to writing. Slowly, but surely, I'm weaving out the details.
But outside of the school and career aspect of my budding life, there's something more. Something that I despite the importance of writing and working with kids, would leave my life lacking.
What I want most out of my life is to be a mom.
For years I watched my own mother struggle with my dad, always putting us kids first. That kind of love is unimaginable. Seeing a part of yourself grow and learn the ins and outs of life has to be the best thing a person can witness. And truthfully, I don't think my life would be complete without becoming a parent.
I'm in no rush. The point of being a good mom is also having the right timing and making sure my life is in the right place. But when that day comes, I will be overjoyed.
Kids are a beautiful thing and it's wonderful to see life and the little things adults take for granted through their eyes.
Sure, I could be a pre-school teacher, or a writer, or even a librarian, but the greatest job I could have is to be a mom.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Journey of Being a Senior in College Begins!

Wow, I am on a blogging roll apparently.
Yesterday I registered for Fall semester senior year classes! Super exciting. As of now, my schedule is going to look something like this:
1. Renaissance and 17th Century Literature
2. Genre Fiction Writing
3. Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy
4. 19th Century Women's Literature
5. Twentieth Century Art History
Looks like a pretty awesome schedule to me.
With fall registration done, a FREE All Time Low concert in April with friends, a summer job already lined up, and Kenzie coming back from Europe in the near future, things are looking pretty good right now. :)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Pour Your Heart Out: The Trouble With Love

**My good friend Ashley has done these on her blog before and I have considered doing it in the past but haven't. So, after checking out this blog (which is great, by the way) and out of my restlessness for a little change, I've decided to start Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays. We'll see how long I keep up with it.**

Looking at my old blog entries, it is no mystery that I haven't had luck with guys or love or just dating in general. Any one of my closest friends will tell you, I SUCK at picking guys.

It's like the genes or brain triggers that control attraction are all out of whack in my body because I seriously am attracted to alll the wrong guys. In my case, it truly is easier to be single.
As a psychhology major turned minor, I have considered that the history I have with my dad and my how my parents' highly dysfunctual relationship may have had on me. And there is some answers in this history. So, does that mean, I'm not biologically programmed to find my prince charming? Will I NEVER pick the right guy?
Yes, those questions are a bit extreme for a 21 year old college student who hasn't truly begun living yet, but it's hard NOT to ponder.
I haven't been reduced to crying in a corner living off of Ben & Jerry's declaring "I will NEVER EVER EVER find love" (now, that would be extreme). I know that I am a good person with a big heart but as a lot of people tell me, I sell myself short. I guess it's hard to find a guy who will love you unconditionally when I don't really love myself to that extent.
As cliche as it sounds, it's a bit dumb of me to even expect any one, let alone guys to treat me the way I want to be, when I don't give myself that same treatment. I'm not a confident person nor do I really have the best of self-esteem. I can recognize that I am a good, genuine person but when it comes to pointing out the things that make me extraordinary or special, I draw a blank.
I don't always speak up for myself. And I have a tendency of letting others walk all over me and take me for granted. Maybe that's put a stamp on my forehead that only jerks can see. It would make sense. If I am jerk to myself, then i'm only going to fall for the jerks.
It's a long road to self-confidence but one day I'm going to realize what's so special about me and I'm going to fall in love with it.
Maybe this only makes sense in my head, but in order to allow myself to fall for the right guy, I've gotta let myself be the right girl. I've got to fall for Melissa. It's like my own personal struggle and I'm making myself the "nice guy who finishes last." But like in the movies, the nice guy gets the girl in the end so with a little re-writing and some new casting, maybe I'll stop letting myself come in last.

Melissa <3

Thursday, March 15, 2012

100th Post!

Wow, it's been awhile. Time for some catching up!
Life has been a roller coaster since my last entry; LOTS of ups and downs.
First, I've had to move into a new place because of some "unforeseen circumstances" that happened with the apartment I was living in. Basically, stupidity, laziness, and just misjudgement forced me into finding a new place to live. So, now I'm all moved into a new place and life has calmed down a bit. It's an apartment that was attached to the back of my boss's house that she was renting out. It's not perfect but for the most part I like it (A lot better than a cardboard box on the street I would say).
I've talked about the issues I was having with paying my school bills. Well, a few days ago I finally had to suck up some courage and talk to student accounts about my situation and was pleasently surprised. They were very understanding about it and basically just had me sign for another loan (which is gonna bite me in the butt 2 years from now), but it cleared most of what I owed and put me back in good standing. I cannot stress how much of a weight lifted this was!!! I feel like I can focus on finishing off my junior year now and maybe enjoy these last two months.
Speaking of finishing junior year, I met with my advisor yesterday about senior year classes (EEK!!!) and after my fall semester of senior year I will be DONE with my major. I am BEYOND excited. I keep thinking about walking across that stage and being handed a DEGREE. To many, it's just another momentous occasion. But for me, graduating college is THE momentous occasion. It's all I ever dreamed about in high school. My mom encouraged me so much because she wanted to see me do things that she didn't and it's so fullfilling to know that in a year, my mom will watch me complete something she has wanted more than anything for me. I'll be the first in my family to have a college degree and the accomplishment is one that I hold dear to my heart. It makes me think back to when I chose college and as much as I did it for me, I know it did it for my mom just as much.
Obviously, I'm very excited about senior year. Junior year has put me through some hellish things, mostly as aftermath of my crappy decisions last year. And I want lie, it has been ROUGH. I've considered dropping out and moving back home some many times. But honestly, I took my situation for granted.
In the past two months, a young firefighter (about my age) lost his life on duty. Also, tornadoes ripped through Indiana (It was pretty scary especially as towns were being demolished around me). There was one incident in particular that really struck me. There was a story about a family in Salem, IN that really hit me. The mother was 20 and the father was 21. They had 3 beautiful children all under the ages of 4. When one of the tornadoes ripped through their town, it took the lives of this young couple and two of their children. Their youngest child, a 14 month baby girl named Angel, was found in a cornfield 10 miles from her home in critical condition. Of course she was rushed to the hospital, and two days later, she died as well.
The story of the firefighter and this family really hit me. These people were YOUNG; my age. Yet, one was risking his life for others and the couple was raising a family. And they lost their lives. And 3 children didn't even get a real chance to even live their lives. And here I was complaining about some stupid incidents that were complicating my life when it could have been so much worse. And after I heard about that baby girl dying, I just lost it and balled my eyes out. It really opened my eyes to how much I take for granted and it definitely put things into perspective.
In the midst of what was happening with my apartment, one of BEST friends who I've known since my sophomore year of high high school told me (basically, but this paraphrased) that my life was too much of a mess and she was done being a part of it. She kicked me out of her wedding as her bridesmaid and we haven't spoken since. And honestly, I was crushed. I try not to be a needy person but recently I have needed my friends now more than ever and she just turns her back on me? I was bitter and angry for a week and then that story about that family popped up in the news and I felt stupid for even caring.
Point is, there is no reason to focus on the little things. If someone wants to chose to walk away, then let them. If someone wants to be fake, let them. Why dwell on it? Yes, I'm sad that I lost one of my best friends but I'm not going to sit here and pity myself because SHE made the choice to walk away. Just like I'm not going to sit and dwell on all the other people I expected to be there when I was in need and who weren't. I learned a hard lesson about true friends and I know who mine are now more than ever. And honestly, I learned the hard way to just let things be. I try to be a good friend to everyone in my life. Yes, I fall short sometimes but I NEVER just walk away from someone. And I don't deserve ANYONE in my life who is going to do that to me. I can accept mistakes and shortcomings. But I will not accept someone who makes the choice to not be around or someone who doesn't even try. End of story.
In other news, things have seemed to start to fall into place.  Kenzie and I are getting an apartment together for our senior year and I am SUPER excited! Also,  I have lost 13 pounds so far (EEEEKKK!!!). So, I am beginning to see the bright end of the tunnel.
Life is mysterious and everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. There is a reason why certain things happen and why certain people stick around and why others don't. And life is too short to sit and dwell on it all. Just accept it, bounce, and move on. And LIVE. That is a philosophy that I have needed to be kicked in the ass with.

100 posts ago, I said, "I've been through a lot in my life. Some of it amounted to nothing, but in the end I see it's amounted to the person I am now so that must be worth it... In the end, I'm me. I'm here and I'm strong and I regret nothing. Nothing at all."
And although a lot has happened over these 100 posts, this thought still rings true. And it always will.
Thanks for reading!