Tuesday, December 13, 2011

New Years Ponderings

Yep, it's that time of year again and THANK GOD because 2011 has been a pain in my side. Actually, I've had a pain in my side since half way through 2010 but that's beside the point.
I'll admit-- I am one of those cliche people who loves New Years because I love the fresh beginnings. I love making resolutions and seeing how far I got the next year. Granted, I use everyday to set goals and move forward but just having a new year begin gives me a fresh mind.
Since my birthday I have definitely felt like I have turned things around. I put my grades first and I'm pretty sure I made all A's and B's this semester. I've been a better friend (I hope!) and have done well with avoiding drama. But most importantly, I've just stepped outside of the darkness and cloudiness in my head and opened up to what is really important to me that I started neglecting somewhere in 2010.
With this said, I can't help but feel SOME sense of pride in myself and I want to make 2012 my BIG year. I really want to come out of this next year with a list of accomplishments under my belt.
My birthday resolutions definitely still stand as well as all the other miscellaneous goals I have set here and there. I've decided to use New Years to set smaller, more specific goals that will keep me on track with my birthday goals and actually enforce a couple that I've been neglecting (like my weight!). Of course I'll post the list here once I've drafted it.
I'm excited for this year because I've already started turning my life back around and who knows where I'll be at the beginning of 2013 after all of this. I'm ready to find out :)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sometimes the Truth is Hard to Face...

It's posts like these that make me glad I don't have very many readers...
This post is really difficult for me to write, mostly because it's about something that I really struggle with-- my weight. And I really have not been honest with myself or anyone for that matter regarding this problem and it has become more than I can handle.
I mean I have always struggled. I have had my healthy years and my chubby years, but this is beyond being chubby anymore. This is more than just a "bad week." And I need to acknowledge it. I've tried diets and eating healthy and working out but when they don't produce any results, I just give up.
When it comes to my weight, I seriously lack consistent motivation and confidence. Years of emotional abuse has not helped with this, nor has the torture I put myself under. I have a lot of underlying issues that have really contributed to my weight. My "relationship with food" as they say is so unhealthy that I'm happier starving myself than allowing myself to eat healthy all because if I do eat, then I can't control how I eat for the rest of the day. My body is such a mess because I overeat and binge some days, and starve myself the next. Truth is, I don't know how to gain control and stop this cycle.
I don't even want to see my family anymore because I've gained so much weight that I'm too embarassed to show my face. My sister is thin as a model even after having a kid and my brother is super in shape. I'm the heaviest in my family and it tears me up so much inside. Looking in the mirror rips me to pieces so much that I've stopped. When I brush my teeth, I completely avoid my image. I am ashamed of myself.
At 5'9, I should weigh between 130 and 170 pounds. My weight? A whopping 270 pounds. That is at least 100 pounds I have to lose and I don't even know where to start. I need help. Yet, I am completely broke so I can't even go to a weight management specialist or a nutritionist.
I am one of the fat girls guys make fun of and girls look at and automatically feel better about themselves.
I can't do this on my own. I've tried and I can't get control of this by myself and I need help. I don't even know where to turn.
Truth is, I am a very unhappy person because of my weight. Sure, it shouldn't matter. But when you're obese facing high blood pressure and constant back problems, it matters a lot. And even as I sit here admitting the truth, I still don't know what to do.