Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Somewhere I Belong

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Repeat Chorus] I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today [Repeat Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong
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Saturday, July 16, 2011

May Angels Lead You In

It has been 5 years since my Grandma passed and I still think of her everyday.
I love you Grandma.
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I Walk a Lonely Road...

So Harry Potter was amazing, of course. It definitely was an AMAZING movie to end the series with. I'm quite sad it's over though. Haleigh left this afternoon. I had a great time. It really made me realize how much I miss having her live here with me.
I know it's dumb because I have so many amazing people in my life, but I can't help but feel alone.
I miss waking up to always having people up like my mom drinking coffee and my brother watching cartoons. I miss my niece tip toeing into my room every morning to jump on my bed and wake me up. I miss my grandma watching the morning news. I even miss haleigh's annoying alarm that went off every morning.
I know I'm no where close to being alone but its hard not to feel it when everyone is so far away. and money is so tight on everyone that its hard to visit as often. and I just miss being surrounded by people I love every day, especially after a summer where I have spent majority of my time with myself and my dog.
I guess I just really miss everyone and I can't wait until school starts nor can I wait to graduate so I can move somewhere closer to everyone.
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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Feelin' Fly Like It's Quidditch

This video makes me laugh so I thought I'd share :)
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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

With a Little Help From My Friends

So, I finally made my decision about school and housing. As sad as I am to say, I will not be returning to a dorm. But I will be getting my own apartment! I am beyond excited. It will be a simple one bedroom just big enough for me and my dog. I can't wait to sign the lease. :D
But that isn't the point of this entry. I am uber excited to see my best friend tomorrow night. We're going to see the long awaited Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and to just hang out and catch up. I have missed my bestie so much so I'm pumped. I will hopefully have some pics to share.
On another note, one of my other best friend's fiance was deployed for his first (and hers) tour in the middle east. And I remember how hard it is from personal experience so I got this idea to make her a "deployment survival kit" with just random stuff to help her get through it easier and make it go by fast. I'm excited to start working on it so I can give it to her when she comes down for my birthday party. So I hope it makes her happy and gets her through it.
Welp, that's about all the updating I have for now. Another new thing, is I think I'm going to start naming posts after songs that fit it.
Until next time.Have a great weekend everyone!
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Cleaning Up My Act

If you have followed my blog pretty regularly, you will notice I did some cleaning up and deleted a few posts. It is after 5 in the morning and I am being an insomniac. I have had this problem for the past month and it is a bit of a pain. Anywho, I am going to try to keep this entry as light as I possibly can. And warning- this may be long so bare with me.
Life for me hasn't been easy this past year. Anyone who is close to me knows I am struggling and that I haven't been myself. I have been pretty far from myself. And I apologize to anyone who has been affected by my lack of... well... lack of Melissa-ness. I really have been in some dark times lately and I have been struggling to pull myself out.
I will admit. I stopped caring. I got caught up in everything going wrong and I stopped being the Melissa I used to pride myself on. I stopped caring about things that used to really matter to me. I let myself go.
I have been blogging about all these so called changes I was going to make and to be honest, I didn't do anything. I tried for a week and then gave up. And in the process I gave up on myself.
And then I broke.
Last week I hit rock bottom.I have been hanging on to a relationship that has went bad and has gotten emotionally abusive. Sure, I broke up with him but in my head I still thought, "Well maybe this will push him to change," and it didn't. And surprise surprise, he didn't change. Nor will he ever.
I have completely shut myself off from the world and have questioned anything I have ever believed in.
I am a child of domestic abuse. I always will be but I have let that pain dictate my life. The man I thought I could trust turned out to have a temper larger than I imagined and I have been taking the butt end of every time he flies off the handle. He promised me anger management, went a few days, then that was it. I caught him having an ongoing online relationship with a woman in Ohio and that's when I broke up with him. Since then, I have been trying to get him to fix things but there has been nothing but more emotional stress and more online girls. And when I found myself confronted with ending my life, that scared me. Truth is, I have been running scared all along.
I was going to end my blog because I didn't see the point in it. But one day some troubledgirl is going to stumble across this and I don't want to be a failed blog. I want her to read this post and the posts following it and see someone who hit bottom and fixed it. I want to be a fighter not a quitter.
I have been pushing off my paperwork for school because I'm too scared to make a decision. But I need to STOP LETTING LIFE AND OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME. I need to take control for God's sake.
So tomorrow the plan is to get up and go apartment and job hunting around campus. I have over 1000 in savings that I was going to use for a car but I am pushing that off afford my own place or the dorm. I will not allow myself to stay here anymore. I am losing who I am to this and that is a tradegy. life is too short to be taken for granted the way I have been doing. I'm done. It is time to clean up my act and detox my life of all the poison.
Thank you to my friends and family who have stuck by me through all of this. I love you and appreciate you more than you know and promise to start making you proud again. Your love and support has not gone unnoticed and I owe you the world.
On a lighter note, Harry Potter 7 Part 2 comes out this week and my best friend is driving up to see it with me. I am beyond excited. I am sad to see it end but I can't wait to see this movie and my bestie of course. I have never been to a midnight premier of a movie so I'm glad this movie in particular will be my first. =]
I hope everyone is doing well and I will be updating soon after apartment hunting.
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