Sunday, June 26, 2011

Facing Up

If there is one thing I have learned these last couple of months, its that sometimes you have to face up to your past and your mistakes. I have spent years running from my past. hell, I came all the way to Indiana. and truth is, it followed me and bit me right on the butt. I haven't posted in awhile because I have been taking time to assess myself. I made a choice to give up on the aca meetings because there was a religious aspect I'm not comfortable with. I'm not saying I'm an atheist. I don't know what I believe in and I'm fine with that. but when I made that decision I had to decide that if aca didn't work for me then I had to find something else because it would effect the rest of my life. after reading a lot and thinking until my head felt like it was gonna explode I had to come to terms with some bad stuff I've been running from. and after being torn down for so many years I realized I had no love, trust, or even respect for myself. I let my dad push me around and I have been letting every one else do exactly the same thing. that had to stop. I'm still coming to terms with my dads abuse and alcoholism. I'm not running anymore. every time a new past memory surfaces, I write it down and get out every feeling. and then I crumple it up and throw it away. it sounds dumb but it has helped me let go of a lot. I have been practicing loving myself and fighting all the negative feelings that have haunted me for years. I'm taking care of my body and learning to rely on myself. and I can honestly say that I'm starting to love myself and I'm healing. losing my scholarship was a big wake up call to me. college was the one thing I wanted so bad and I blew it for a guy. and that was MY fault. no one else's. I made that choice and I knowing can do better. I broke up with Michael and it was hard. having another failed relationship made me feel like a failure. but I'm not. I deserved better from him and I deserved better from myself. so here I am. I have made more progress than I ever have. and I am proud of that. the road is still hard and I'm running into a lot of obstacles but the fact that I am finally on this road means more than anything. I'm in the process of driving lessons and I'm taking my test in August. I have 1000 dollars in savings for a car to open more possibilities up for a better job. then I am getting my own place. the thought of being alone scares me but I need to know I can take care of myself. I talked to my mom about it all and she said she is proud of me for making the choices she never did. I'm finally shaping who I am as Melissa. not so and so's girlfriend or friend or daughter. I am just me. I make mistakes and I make choices I am not proud of. but now its time to face up and put me first. so simply put, here I am and I love myself. the end.
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