Thursday, April 21, 2011


"I'm so ashamed of defeat, And I'm out of reason to believe in me." ~Seether

I guess I need to update. I've been avoiding bloggin because there really isn't much to write about in my life lately. Good stuff at least.
It's been a struggle lately and I've been dealing and trying to work through it all. I've pretty much reached this point where I'm just standing still trying to decide what to do now.
The school year is almost over and I'm pretty sure my grades this semester have cost me the scholarship that got me here. I've accepted that and have a plan.
My best friend is leaving after this year and I really don't know what I am going to do. My relationship with Michael is just in the dumps and she was the only thing keeping me going and keeping my head up. And now she's leaving.
Michael & I aren't on the best of terms. I could sit here and tell the million reasons why but I'd rather keep it private. There really is no relationship anymore. We don't laugh anymore, or hold hands, or go on dates. If we kiss, it's a once a day occasion.
This isn't where I saw this ending up. But that's life.
I once again have no where to go for the summer since I will NEVER EVER set foot under my father's roof again. So I am staying here in Evansville with Michael and it worries me. This could either help our relationship by giving us some time to sort things out or hurt it by adding to the already deteriorating relationship.
I have sense of being lost. I have no idea where I am going or where I want to go and my life needs some serious change. This isn't where I want to be but I don't know how to get out.
I could dump Michael and start from scratch but considering our cicumstances, it's not that simple.
I know I will figure this out sooner or later and get myself back on track. I've done it before. And maybe this summer is what I need. It's not going to be a fun summer of rivers and going out.
But it may be just what I need. With Michael working so much and everyone gone, I'll have a lot of time to myself to work out my head.
I just need to get throught he next two weeks and see where it all takes me.

And hopefully, I can find some reason to believe in myself again.

Friday, April 8, 2011

How thin is too thin?

So I haven't blogged in awhile but something caught my attention and pulled at my emotions. I have a tumblr and one girl I follow is trying to lose weight. I haven't paid much attention to her blog until now. Today I decided to read some of her entries and it just shocked me. She is on a diet of less than 300 calories per day and fasting. Then I went on to look at some her followers and they are all starving girls who still think they are fat and gross. When is enough enough? As I was reading these blogs I found myself feeling scared for these girls and scared of the road an obsession to lose weight can pull people down. I have struggled with my weight and I have had more "fat days" then good days. But seeing how these girls (my age and younger) have let food completely consumed them just tore me apart a little. It's sad. So I say to them and those with the same struggle: If you are overweight and not happy with your body, PLEASE lose the weight in a healthy manner. Don't reduce yourself to nothing because you may feel like nothing. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. And no matter how thin you are, you will never be beautiful unless YOU think you're beautiful. Don't starve yourself to nothing. What are you proving? That you didn't know how to take care of your body when you were obese and you STILL don't know how to care for yourself? Please. Beauty comes from the mind. You are beautiful. Eating a cheeseburger won't change that.