Trouble Sleeping and Loneliness

"It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise." ~Eric Hoffer

Two entries within one day? Yeah that's right. I guess I just needed to write. Plus I can't sleep. And I'm feeling kind of lonely. And that always leads to thinking.

I'm still just worried about everything. I wanted to talk to Michael about it all but of course he was too busy. It's so weird. When I was an Army girlfriend, I was able to just deal and take care of myself and I got used to the loneliness. For some reason I lost that talent. I kind of wish I had it now. I have a feeling I'm going to be needing it. It's the distance again. I don't know why. I went through a deployment for christ's sake! Maybe it's because we were supposed to be getting things ready for an apartment but now... I don't know when we'll have it. I just wish things would fall into place. Not just for me, but for everyone. I want everyone to be happy. I want my best friend to get to see her boyfriend soon because she's missing him so much. I want my ex to be having a happy marriage. I want my old friends who I've lost or who I've just grown distant with all to be happy and getting what they wanted.

I just want it all to fall into place. I want my sacrifices and tears to mean something in the end. It scares me that it won't. Failure is always a fear.

I feel on the verge of tears and I really can't explain why. Stress? PMS? Realizations?

This is what it's like to be an adult. Taking thingd day by day and hoping for the best while working through things day by day. In the end, I just want to be the best person I possibly can. I want to be strong and I wanna be doing the right things for myself. I just want to succeede and hang on to happiness.

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling. Maybe I should stop. It's just I CAN'T SLEEP and I want to sooo bad. I'm not used to going to sleep without talking to Michael first. God it's only his first day and I'm already being a baby about him being too busy. I'm trying to keep in mind its toward our future but I don't know. I just really needed to talk to him tonight. And of course the thing you need is never available. I'll just get used to it I guess. I wish I still had that army girlfriend strength I used to have. I have no clue where it went. I miss it though.

Sigh...