Monday, February 28, 2011

Challenge... fail?

So, I was doing so well.
Counting calories, working out everyday, steering clear of junk food and soda.
Then, I just lost it.
Not only have I gained back the 7 pounds I lost but put on more weight. And that is just in two weeks.
I wanted to be a certain weight by my spring break, which is this week. But now that goal is marked as a fail and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. I don't even want to face my family at spring break now because I am so ashamed.
I don't ge it. Do I not have the self control?? It's like it's impossible for me to stick to it. I do so well and then BAM I fall hard.
And here I am feeling crappier than ever.
I am so tired of my weight issue. I just want it to go away. I don't feel pretty. I'm not happy with myself at all. And I'm tired of people telling me "You're not fat Mel" but they don't step on the scale and see what I see. They don't go into the fitting room and cry when that pair of jeans they wanted is a size larger now. They don't understand.
I have ALWAYS been a chubby kid. ALWAYS. I have talked of diets since 5th grade. I finally just stopped eating my junior year and got down to the thinnest I have ever been. Now I have gained it all back and then some.
I hate that I have battled with this my entire life. And I hate that I lose this battle everytime. I can't pinpoint what it is. What the hell is keeping me from staying on this?
This lifestyle is not working for me. I can't live like this. And my weight is just one thing.
There are so many bad choices I'm making. Somehow, I've just lost myself (or lost my connection with myself). This isn't how I want to live. I can do better than this, yet I don't.
It's breaking me down. I'm a happy person, yes. But then when I look at the overall picture of my life, I see all the stupidity I let into it. My weight is just one part.
I sit here and complain about so many things. But if I just shut up and took care of myself for once, maybe I would be a little happier and feel more confident in the life I'm leading.
I overlook and cast off all these challenges in my life and pretend they aren't there. Then when judgement time comes, I get mad at myself. When will I learn to step up and stop the dissapointment before I get to that point? When will I learn?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Love, Love, Love

"All you need is love." ~The Beatles

There are so many quotes, songs, movies, and much much more about love. And on Valentine's Day love gets its very own spotlight. But what is love exactly? And why does it need a commercialized holiday to be celebrated? Don't we feel and show love every day and not just February 14th?

Don't get me wrong. I love Valentine's Day. I love all the pinks, reds, hearts, chocolates, and teddy bears. Pink is one of my favorite colors and makes me feel all "warm and fuzzy" just seeing it everywhere. But as much 'fun' as all of this is, I could survive without Vday.

I celebrate love everyday. I love my boyfriend, my friends, my family, myself each and every day. And I show it. I show it through how I treat them, the time I dedicate to making them happy, and etc.

I don't need all the glitz and glamour to know that I love the people in my life and that they love me.

So my take on Valentine's Day? It's fun but if it never existed, I wouldn't miss it.

To everyone in my life, I love you with all my heart. You guys are the people who make my life worth living... who make me, 'love' my life. And for that, I don't need a day. I give you my love in return.

Have a happy Valentine's Day everyone. And if you love someone, don't just say it today. Say it everyday.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Stepping Up to Life's Challenges

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

It's been quite awhile since I've actually blogged about anything. I must say, I've been going through a lot of things [mental and emotional] that have been occupying my attention, I guess. Between a stupid ex who thinks he knows me, school, and my weight, life has been on the borderline of good and complete crap.

The moral of this, I've realized, is I am not stepping up to my full potential. In fact, I've been downright lazy. I have been taking the easy way out instead of doing the right thing because it was/is "harder." And to be blunt, it makes me pissed at myself. No one else but my own self.

I can sit here and pity myself for not making the grades I want, or being the weight I want, or even letting my ex urk me the way he does. Or I can say to myself, "Hey dumbass, knock it off!" Because that's really what it all boils down to. Me.

It's my life. I can control my grades and my weight, and how an ex effects me.

I can start by studying and not blowing things off. Or eating junk when I know how it's going to make me feel in the long run. Or how about telling my ex to shut the f*** up and actually mean it.

Living in the past has gotten me NO WHERE. And it's gotten to the point where I just hate my life and how I've handled everything because I know I'm better than this. I am.

And I need to prove to MYSELF that I can be better than how I have acted.

I can do that. And I WILL do it.