Was This Worth the Time to Write

"Life in true sense is perceiving or thinking."~ Aristotle

Sometimes we just have to sit back and think about things to make sense of them. Life is filled with so much going, going, going that sometimes we neglect to sit back and actually THINK about what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we neglect to savor the moment. And sometimes a little thought could have led to a better decision.

I've just had a few thoughts tumbling around in my mind that I guess I wanted to address. It's more for just peace of mind I guess. Since tomorrow is the beginning of a new weeks, I guess you could call it cleansing.

I realize I'm not a perfect person. I never thought that I was. I've made a lot of mistakes and decisions that maybe I'm not too proud of, but the fact of the matter is life goes on. If I could stop time and just re-do some things, I still would never change a thing because I'm learning from every moment.But the learning is an everyday process. I'm still not the person I wish to be.

One thing that's really been bugging me is certain comments people keep making about my relationship with Michael. Okay, yes I was "in love" with someone else just two months before I started dating Michael. Does this make me look bad? Most likely. Does it make me look fickle? Yes. Does it make me look as if I'm rebounding? Yes. I realize all these things and I acknowlede it. But what people don't realize is I didn't plan to be in a relationship right now. If you look at previous entries, I had planned to be single for awhile. That's what my intentions were. And if Michael wasn't in my life, I would still be single and I can guarentee that because I didn't want another relationship. I told Michael this numerous times. This relationship was not in my original plan. I was gonna focus on school and then go to my grandma's for the summer and that's what I had planned. People aren't getting that though and all they wanna do is judge. And it's really not fair because what they think is not how it went down. And I don't know why I'm gonna sit here and explain this but I'm only going to do it once. Yes, I loved Steven. But it was a love I formed when I was seventeen. I hadn't had much experience considering how my parents were and all that, but yes I was with him for two and half years and I had planned on marrying him. Things didn't turn out that way obviously. He got back from deployment, ended things, and married someone else all within a month. And I'm the fickle one? Things had gotten bad in the last 6 months of his deployment. Our relationship had been over for awhile before it was officially over. The love we once had was already gone. It took a lot pain to open my eyes. And looking back, I'm not angry anymore and I'm not bitter. But what people don't understand is Michael has ALWAYS been there. Even after I hurt him, he never left. He always wanted to be with me and I was blinded by everything with my ex that I never saw it or took the time to consider it. That was one of my biggest mistakes. There are people who look at me as if I'm doing something wrong by opening up again and being happy and in love. There is no time limit on how long it takes to fall in love. What do people expect me to do? Still be sitting here trying to get over my ex? No. It wasn't worth taking the time. I accepted it and I moved on. That's what you do in life and now I'm happier than I was before. I want my friends to see that aspect. Things change and things happen that open your eyes to stuff. That's what happened with me. I didn't go out and hook up with the first random guy I saw (which I could have easily done, it's college), I didn't run out and get married, nor did I rush into anything like that. I cried my tears, accepted what happened, went on with my life, and then Michael came in and told me how he felt. For weeks I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. And then one day I just realized life was too short to just sit there and miss out on something that could be good. And here I am now.
For anyone who wants to say that my feelings aren't real or this relationship isn't real, I want to remind them that these are MY feelings. Not theirs. And I'd appreciate that people would just step back and stop judging. I know what I feel and I know what HE feels and that's what matters in the end. I'm happy so if you're my friend please jsut accept that and be happy that things turned out better for me than I had ever planned.It just happened that way. I'm not fickle and I'm not rebounding,

Another thing that's been on my mind is what I'm going to do with this writing degree that I'm in the process of earning. I know teaching isn't my thing and as I spend more time in copyediting I realize that editing really isn't my thing either. So what am I going to do? I want to write books but that's so hard to get into. I need a job that will give me a regular paycheck. Librarian, maybe? I don't know but I'm in the market for suggestions. I'd rather be a college graduate who is actually working.

Next, my parents. I admit I haven't been acting like an adult when it comes to them. And I realize that needs to stop. I can't go forever avoiding it. It's just not going to work. And I can't sit here and make excuses but that's not gonna fix anything. I want my parents to see me as an adult so I guess I need to act like one towards them.

Lately, people's opinions of me have really been bothering me...my friends, my family, ex-friends, and even Michael. It's bad that I take into account so much what people think but people's perspective of you can give you insight into things about yourself that you don't neccessarily notice. And there are certain things recently that I'm not too proud of and totally contradict the person I've been trying to be. I guess I should apologize. And I sincerely mean how sorry I am.

I don't know if anything I said means anything to anyone, but at this very moment, it's the best I can do and I hope it was worth the time to write.