Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happiness in Imperfection

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." ~Unknown.

I really wish I knew who said this quote because it is one of my favorites for sure. It's so true. Life is not about perfection. It's about making the most out of the imperfections and finding what makes them work. Life is better imperfected I think. It makes it a more adventurous ride.

Today has been a great day and what have I done? Absolutely nothing. Routine trip to Wal-Mart with the sis and niece, work, time with the brother and niece, and then friend/Michael time. I've had a very balanced day really.

My question is that I'm pondering is why do we put so much emphasis on the stresses in our life? My weight, money, car stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah. In the end, it's all everyday technicalities that can be worked through. But what really makes life worth living day to day?

For me, it's this:

Waking up to my two year old niece banging on my door at 8 a.m. My sister and I cracking dumb jokes on the way to run errands still finding a way to laugh until our cheeks hurt even though running errands is no fun. My brother in law snoozing on the couch like a boulder totally impossible to even move. Getting an im from my friend Haleigh that turns into an "I miss you!" fest between her, Kenzie, and me and a possible get together being planned out. Talking about how bad our asses are on Facebook for all my friends to see with Cyndi and Clarissa. A totally sweet messege from my friend Jess. Skyping with Shannon and planning a trip to Georgia with Michael to see Ashley, who I've recently reconciled with and couldn't be happier about. Staying up late until Michael gets off work just to get a phone call in before he falls asleep even though I've been awake since eight thirty.

This is my day. And even though I can sit here and be crabby about waking up or not seeing my friends as much or whatever else, it doesn't even matter because all this made my entire day amazing. The great thing is, these were all tiny things that added up.

So why linger in minuscule, fixable, therefore pointless imperfections when I can take in all these little things and make them add up to one hell of a day that leaves nothing but happy feelings?

My point exactly.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them." ~Winston Churchill

I am not wise. If I was I would have learned the first time. And the second time. And then the third time.
It's hard to see how other people perceive you. It's hard to see yourself through their eyes. I wish I could because then so much would be different.
I seem to push everyone away with how I act and then I sit here wondering why they left. Because I made them. I've lost some friends I really cared about and loved having in my life. Now it's too late to get any of them back.
I had one of the best military wives as a friend and somehow I screwed it up because I had to write a stupid blog and be immature about a situation that could have been fixed. Now that's one less friend I have that I actually cared about having. I still think about it and even though I try not to regret things...this is one thing I kinda do. I think about trying to apologize but I would probably be wasting her time. She would never want me back as a friend and I have to live with that.
I ruined my first love by driving him away and then blaming him for everything. Sure, he made his mistakes but they didn't happen until I made mine. I think back to everything and no wonder he didn't pick me. I wouldn't have even picked me. And now I have to live with that too.
So yeah, I'm not wise. I didn't learn from past mistakes to become a better person. I blamed everyone else without seeing my own mistakes. I've been waiting for karma to come back around and wondering why things keep going wrong in my life and it's because karma has already come back around. I lost a great friend (plus some others) and a love that could have worked out if I had realized what I was doing to the relationship.
Now here I am doing the exact thing to my current relationships that I did to the others. So yeah I'm not wise. I've been stupid, jealous, and immature and it's too late to fix any of it. So now I'm stuck living with the knowledge that I did these things and now I can't change them or fix them.
I used to be happy. I used to think I had it all figured out. And now I've let myself down and I let a lot of other people down too. I talk about the poison that was in my life and really it was me poisoning my own life.
Why do I do this? Why do I act this way towards the people closest to me? Why can't I just be normal and let people enjoy being around me? Why do I have to sabatoge the good things in my life? And why do I blame others? Why do I have to not realize it after all is said and done and people have moved on while here I sit? Here I sit.
Funny how realizations come too late and don't make any difference when you really need them to.
To end this blog, I can only say this: To those who I have acted unforgivable to (if you even take the time to read this) I'm sorry for everything and I truly feel the regret I should have felt back then. I'm sorry I let you down.
Maybe I can start being a little wise now and make up for the mistakes I've made.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A New Thought For a Better Change

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Englebreit

So, I haven't written in awhile but there has been a reason for that. I've had so much stuff going on and I knew if I wrote I would just sit here and complain about everything so I didn't wanna do that. Complaining gets you no where.

Anyway, I guess I should update on everything that's been going on. My mom took my brother and left my dad. She went to Indiana. It was so easy to be angry at her because I came back to Missouri and then they left without even trying to see me and they have had these plans for months apparently. I was mad and felt abandoned that I can't see my own mother and brother for lord knows how long. They may come back, they may not. Who knows. It's weird because the three of us always stuck together and now I'm an odd ball out. That didn't help how angry I was. But I neglected to think that this is a chnage good for THEM. I already left and moved on. I already cut my ties. Now it's there chance. I should probably be proud of my mom for getting that far. Do I think it's permenant? I don't know. She'll get a break from dad and then think it's all better and go back. I don't think my mom will permenantly ever leave dad until James is graduated and moves in with me as the supposed plan says. But like I said, who knows?

I've been missing my friends a lot lately too. And not just my friends that I talk to everyday but ones that I don't talk to anymore or barely talk to. It's hard to forget about good times and then know that there won't be anymore with those people. It sucks but oh well. That's life. The people in my life now are the ones meant to be there.

My weight has been another thing. Even though I've lost almost ten pounds since I've been on summer break, I still hate the body I see in the mirror. And Michael hates it because like the great man he is, he just thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. But his opinion only matter so much. It's my opinion of myself that matters and I don't have the opinion I want.

And then things with Michael went through a rough patch and we're just now coming out of it thank god and hopefully we keep coming out of it. I think a lot of it came from me being so depressed about everything else and pushing him away. I just like to deal with things myself and he was there trying to help when I didn't want him to, but I finally realized that he was the one person I did need and after everything he still is. So yeah, hopefully we're coming out of this rough patch.

But now to refer to my quote. I need to start looking at the things I want changed and change them and change my way of thinking for the things I can't change. I'm in charge of my own happiness and dwelling on the past and the things I can't change which is why this quote is one of my favorite quotes.