Sunday, March 28, 2010

Parents: How Do I Make Them Understand?

So, Michael and I have been dating a little over a month now and I have yet to tell my parents. They just know that I was considering it, and not that me and him have been dating that long already.
I don't know why I'm such a pushover when it comes to my parents. I swear I don't have a rebellious bone in my body. It sucks because I feel so held back by my parents sometimes and they always make me second guess things.
I still wish they didn't wanna control every aspect of my life. I could care less about my dad. It's my mom that gets me. She just wants to control who I date and she freaks out every time. I know she just wants the best for me and just doesn't want me to get stuck with a loser guy. But she should just understand that it's my choice and I wish she would trust my decisions because I am capable of making them myself and being smart about it.
I've already proved that I'm a responsible and mature adult. I got myself into college. I'm working two jobs and keeping track of all my finances. I've accomplished more on my own than I ever did there.
It urks me and I'm even more nervous about Michael because I REALLY want them to like him. He's come such a long a way and is so amazing. Plus he just makes me really happy and isn't that's what matters?
I've never been this happy. He keeps me motivated for school and he's always there when I need to listen. He's everything my mom has told me time and time again that I deserve. My grades are way higher than they were last semester because of a lot of help from Michael. He keeps me grounded and focused on what's important. He always makes sure I put him last.
I sound like I'm trying to convince them here, but in the end I gotta suck it up and tell them. It's my life, right? I'm in control, not them.

Friday, March 26, 2010

"The Fact is, One Grows Out of People, and the Only Thing is to Face It"

"It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people, and the only thing is to face it." ~W. Somerset Maugham

I seem to be missing my old friends lately. Ya know, the friends you have in high school who you swear and make pacts with that you'll always be best friends. It's weird that back then high school seemed like it was never gonna end and then you hit college and adulthood and high school just becomes...well...high school.

The best friends I had in high school, I don't even talk to anymore and when we do talk it's awkward. I didn't notice how distant we all had grown until I talked to Jasmine who was my high school best friend and I realized how much out of the loop I really was. It's really weird how just months ago we knew every little detail about each other's lives, now we barely know who is dating who.

It just made me realize how I'm barely friends with anyone I used to be friends with. Sure, we talk now and again but that's not the same as actual friendship.

When I was going through a rough break up, only a select few people were there (you know who you are). But where was everyone else? It's sad to me how you can be so close to someone and then it all changes. I try to keep in touch with everyone but after awhile they just seem too busy to care so you just stop trying.

As I grow older I've noticed that you no longer have that huge group of friends, you have those select few people who you KNOW are gonna be there and will take the time to check up on you no matter how busy they get or how far they are. Those are the true friends.

Losing touch with old friends is life I've learned. It just happens. I just have to be grateful for the true friends who do stick around.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is is good or bad?
Lately, all I've seen is bad. I really haven't liked my body image at all the past weeks. I hate getting dressed in the morning because I hate looking in the mirror. I just don't like what I see. I don't like my body at all. I hate it.
And then I look tired all the time and pale. I guess I'm just not seeing myself through "nice" eyes lately. Oh well right?
I'd like to sit here and say I am who I am but it doesn't feel that way when I always look like crap compared to people around me. Idk. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. Whatever.

It's A Good Life

"All I want is a little of the good life/ All I need's to have good time"
Just an update on the lovely life of Melissa =)
Danielle and I hadn't talked in a week and she finally talked to me today and we talked things out. Everything is good again and I have one of my best friends back. You have no idea how happy that makes me!!!!
Also, today is me and Michael's first anniversary ever. hehe It's been really fantastic. Although it's sad we can't see each other, it's still been great. I feel pretty lucky. I get to see him soon and he says he has a big surprise for me so I can't wait =) He's decided he's moving here the first week of May so that we can end this distance thing. He's already found a pretty good apartment he likes. It's beautiful and is pretty inexpensive. Also, he's been contacted about online classes so when he gets settled in, he'll get to start those next fall. I'm so proud of him. He's brought himself so far after falling so low and now he's getting everything put together and taking control of his life. He wants to go into criminal justice. I think he'd be great at that. Like I said, I'm so proud of him.
Lately, I've just felt really lucky. My life is going in a good direction and I'm really proud of it. I don't think I've been this happy. My classes are going better, I've grown closer with my TRUE friends, and I've moved on from a pretty dark time in my life to something better.
Like Marilyn Monroe once said "Good things fall apart so greater things can come together."
And I've truly had some great things fall into place. I just hope it keeps getting better.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

Even though half the time, Fall Out Boy's songs mean absolutely no sense, this title and even a few of the lines totally fit what happened to me.
"They say, "You want a war? You've got a war." But who are you fighting for? The tides out, the ships run aground. We drown traitors in shallow water."
But my question is who is the traitor here: me or Danielle?
I dated Michael first, and then she dated him, and now I unexpectedly started dating him again. I didn't plan it to happen. It's not I like a sat there and plotted it. This is beginning to be little childish middle school crap and I had enough and I told her straight up. I'm sick of her stupid ass comments to me and publicly on my statuses. I'm sick of her trashing MY boyfriend to everyone including to him. I'm sick of her games and petty drama she starts with him until the point that he's exploding at her to leave him alone. It's bullcrap and I had enough.
I wish she would get over it. We are adults. This isn't Junior High. It would be different if he and her had dated for a year or longer. No, they dated two months. TWO MONTHS! That's nothing to act like this over.
Plus she wants to sit there and complain about how bad a boyfriend he was to her yet the way she's acting now doesn't make her look any better. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER and her and Michael are prime example.
The crap they went through happened last Novemeber. This is almost April. And it's not like she hasn't moved on. She's went out with plenty of guys. She's just being selfish and can't let Michael be happy, which he finally is.
I don't know if she's jealous or just trying to be plain difficult but it aggravates me. If she was really my friend she would just be happy for me because I'm happy. But no. She has to be selfish.
I do feel sorry if she got hurt by him, but that's between her and him and it's in the past. THE PAST! She doesn't need to act like that with me. It's not my fault they weren't meant to be together and me and him just so happen to be more compatible. We're happy. I wish she would be happy too. It's just frustrating.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sunshine and a Little Luck

So, my last post was so negative I figured I'd write another now that I'm feeling better. The sun finally came out today and it's hard not be happy when the sun is out. Also, today is St. Patrick's day, the day of luck, and it got me thinking about just how lucky I really am. I mean, I was able to get myself into college, get two jobs, and become completely independent of my parents. Not only that, but I have some great people in my life who I'm pretty lucky to have. I guess I wanted to focus this entry on them.
My brother James. He was like my best friend growing up. With all the drama between our parents we always needed each other for support. Now he's all grown up and becoming the protective brother and I still see him as my little goofy baby brother.
My gramps: He had to have been the best male figure in my life. He never lets anything bring him down. He's always been a quiet man without much to say but when he does say something, you automaticaly listen. I have tremendous respect for him.
My Grandma: She had an alcoholic husband and had enough strength to leave him. She hasn't needed a man since. I believe that speaks for itself.
My sister: We were never that close but I've always looked up to my sister. She's always been this free spirit who radiated strength. Looking at her, you know she won't take crap off of anyone. I've always admired that. Plus, she's such a great mom to my niece. She would do anything for that little girl.
My mom: Even though me and her differ on a lot of things, she's always just wanted the best for me and she pushes me to do my best. Plus, she's gotta be a strong woman to put up with my dad.
Kenzie: I got lucky with her just because she didn't turn out to be one of those crazy roommates. But also She has been a great friend. She puts up with all my annoying habits and in the end I know she loves me. She's been there for a lot of tears. I don't know where I would be without this girl.
Michael: Now when I say he is the most amazing boyfriend ever, I mean it. I can't even express how lucky I am to have a guy like him love me so much. He has been there for me through everything and he loves me to death. I couldn't have asked for anyone better than him.
Other people I definitely have to mention are Danielle, Sunnie, Cyndi, Jess, Angela, Clarissa, Jennifer, and Beth. They've all been great friends and have been there even after college.
Overall, I guess I'm a pretty lucky person. I just hope I've been just as great of a person to these people as they are to me.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Just Angry

I don't know what my deal is. I'm filled with so much anger today. Sure, my spring break sucked and things aren't going exactly how I would want them.
Everytime I turn around, my past is biting me in the butt. My so called father treated me like crap the ENTIRE time I was home. I've spent months trying to move on from his abuse and alcoholism and within one week I was sucked right back into the middle of it. I had to make the decision that I'm never going back to stay there which mostly likely means I won't have a relationship with him. In some sense, I feel bad that I don't want him in my life, but why should I? He does nothing but tear me down. I've been a mess since I've been around him. I'm tired of him in my life. It's time to be done.
Then my so called friend ruined my last day with my boyfriend and I'm just pissed. Friends don't do that no matter what the circumstances are. To me it just showed how little she cares about my happiness.
Also to top things off my ex and his wife think it's okay to keep trying to contact me and it's really pissing me off. I stay out of their life for a reason... I DON"T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. It makes me angry that he of all people after all the crap he did to me and put me through thinks he can keep putting his stupid selfish presence in my life. No, he lost that privilege when he decided to screw me over and treat me like dirt.
I'm angry because I went on spring break with goals and NOTHING got accomplished. I didn't even manage to get my license because of my stupid dad and I have no idea what to do.
And I'm mad that my boyfriend lives in Saint Louis and I'm sick of people telling me to find someone here. I just wish people would shut their mouths. I'm sick of hearing everyone's opinion. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I should be happy right now and I'm not and that's making me even more angry. I hate my stupid alcoholic dad who doesn't get it, my friend who thinks revenge gets her what she wants, stupid exes who don't get the hint, and stupid long distance.

Friday, March 5, 2010

How is this possible?

Wow. I don't know how this is possible? You're not supposed to be this in love after a week. What am I, crazy?
I've never been this happy. He's absolutely amazing.
People are gonna say that's so stupid. You can't fall in love in a week. You're using this as a rebound, just knock it off.
Don't think this thought hasn't occured to me. And trust me, I've thought a lot.
This is definitely NOT a rebound. This is something real. I don't feel blinded. Nor do I feel as if he occupies every aspect of my being. That's how I know this isn't a rebound. This is just what it is.
He makes me smile more than anyone. He brings out the best in me and that's something I've never found in a boy. When he speaks, you can just feel the love in his voice. We get along perfectly. Sure, we have room for disagreements, but it never goes that far.
For once, I finally see the connection of "my boyfriend is my best friend." I've never had that before. I've always been put on the outside trying to look in. With Michael, he seems to fit me in without a problem because he WANTS me there.
I've always wanted someone to fit into my life without forcing him. I have yet needed to try. It amazes me, but I just don't need to try.
I've never felt able to completely be myself and he just brings it out. That's gotta be something real.
Deep down, I think I've always known there was something here and everyday it gets deeper. I've never met a guy who treated me this well without being told. I've never once had to show him or tell him how I want to be loved. He just does it.
For once, I don't have to make a single sacrifice because he finds me worth it all. He's moving here soon to close the distance. For once, someone finds me worth not leaving. He sees me as worth being with everyday.
So to those who say there's no way I can be in love and feel as if he just might be what I've been looking for all along, you're wrong.
When you find that person, you just know. And there isn't a doubt in the world.
I know I've said this in the past, but little did everyone know that I doubted him everyday.
With Michael, I'm completely free.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sometimes College Isn't Fun

I swear sometimes I hate college. All the professors know that we all have spring break fever right now yet they give us papers and exams, seriously?
I can't even get my brain on my paper topic, let alone write this five page paper analyzing how Gandhi was compassionate. If spring break wasn't starting tomorrow this paper would be a piece of cake.
I love college most of the time. And I love being here, but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by all this crap. I know this is my own fault. I should just buckle down and do what's expected of me but there are just some nights when my MIND JUST WON"T FOCUS.
I really just want to go to sleep and not have a care in the world. I wanna sit here and daydream about the fantastic spring break I have ahead of me.
But no.
I can't.
Because I'm a college student.