Mistakes

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them." ~Winston Churchill

I am not wise. If I was I would have learned the first time. And the second time. And then the third time.
It's hard to see how other people perceive you. It's hard to see yourself through their eyes. I wish I could because then so much would be different.
I seem to push everyone away with how I act and then I sit here wondering why they left. Because I made them. I've lost some friends I really cared about and loved having in my life. Now it's too late to get any of them back.
I had one of the best military wives as a friend and somehow I screwed it up because I had to write a stupid blog and be immature about a situation that could have been fixed. Now that's one less friend I have that I actually cared about having. I still think about it and even though I try not to regret things...this is one thing I kinda do. I think about trying to apologize but I would probably be wasting her time. She would never want me back as a friend and I have to live with that.
I ruined my first love by driving him away and then blaming him for everything. Sure, he made his mistakes but they didn't happen until I made mine. I think back to everything and no wonder he didn't pick me. I wouldn't have even picked me. And now I have to live with that too.
So yeah, I'm not wise. I didn't learn from past mistakes to become a better person. I blamed everyone else without seeing my own mistakes. I've been waiting for karma to come back around and wondering why things keep going wrong in my life and it's because karma has already come back around. I lost a great friend (plus some others) and a love that could have worked out if I had realized what I was doing to the relationship.
Now here I am doing the exact thing to my current relationships that I did to the others. So yeah I'm not wise. I've been stupid, jealous, and immature and it's too late to fix any of it. So now I'm stuck living with the knowledge that I did these things and now I can't change them or fix them.
I used to be happy. I used to think I had it all figured out. And now I've let myself down and I let a lot of other people down too. I talk about the poison that was in my life and really it was me poisoning my own life.
Why do I do this? Why do I act this way towards the people closest to me? Why can't I just be normal and let people enjoy being around me? Why do I have to sabatoge the good things in my life? And why do I blame others? Why do I have to not realize it after all is said and done and people have moved on while here I sit? Here I sit.
Funny how realizations come too late and don't make any difference when you really need them to.
To end this blog, I can only say this: To those who I have acted unforgivable to (if you even take the time to read this) I'm sorry for everything and I truly feel the regret I should have felt back then. I'm sorry I let you down.
Maybe I can start being a little wise now and make up for the mistakes I've made.