Wednesday, June 13, 2012

How Many Places Can a Girl Be at Once?

With senior year on it's verge of unfolding and graduation less than a year away, you can bet I've been using a lot of free time this summer to narrow down what options I have after graduation. And there are definitely a lot.

At this point, I'm most leaning towards going to grad school to get my master's in library and information science. The catch is, if I want to stay in Indiana, the only school I can attend is IU in Bloomington. Which isn't bad. But then again, I don't want to go to a new city with my no car situation. So taking a year off to work is still very much a possibility. After this chapter in my life ends, I'm left wondering, what's next?

And then I think, well what will make me happy?

I came to Evansville away from all my family, to be closer to a boy. This time, I'm going to make the right decision, and choose to be closer to my family. But my family is so spaced between Missouri and Indiana that it's a difficult question. I love Indiana. It has felt like home since the summers of my childhood. But I also love Missouri. It's where I was raised and my roots are very much grounded there. The only thing that would make me consider going back to Missouri is my family. My parents and brother live there but they've been talking about moving up towards my Grandma in Indiana for years. My grandpa though, is still is in St. Louis and has limited time left (which is a scary thought). And of course there's my sister, brother-in-law, and the kiddos. I want to have a close relationship with them and I don't want to be a faraway aunt. But if I choose Indiana, that's what I'll be. I already hate seeing them maybe once a year already. That's not enough time to be the sister and Aunt that I want to be. Plus, in that distance future when I have kids, I want my sister and BIL to be there and I want Maci and Logan to be close to their cousins.

But in Indiana, I have my grandma, cousins, aunt and uncle and my happy place. I want to be close to that. I want to be surrounded in the place that was the answer to the question "What's your favorite place?" or "Where's your happiest place?" That is where I feel like I belong and where I would want to settle down but then again it keeps me far away from my sister's clan.

I wish I could be close to all of them. I love my family more than they probably know and I want them to be a part of my life. I want to be able to go out for drinks with my sister after work, take my niece and nephew out for ice cream, have sleepovers with my cousins, help my grandma when she's in her usual fuss about a clean house... all of that. but I have to choose between one place or another and it's hard to do because I have such amazing people in my family that make me happiest when I'm around them. 

I need to be in all these place at once and my lack of ability to do so is letting me down.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Updates! Get Your Updates!

So it's been a little while since I've written last. Not much has happened.

I've been working part-time at the library. Went through the interview process for another job BUT alas I didn't get it. However, I saw the other day that the Central Library here in Evansville is hiring and I am way qualified for that job. So, I've got my fingers crossed on that one. If I get that job than I can pretty much stop worrying about money since I really just need another part-time job to be bringing in enough moolah.

My summer has had it's ups and a few downs. I was rejected for the school loan that pretty much paid for the rest of my school expenses. I took a day to be angry and cry and whine but then I moved on. So what? I didn't get what I wanted or expected. People suck. What's new? I'm not going to let it ruin my summer.

But it has showed me how great my parents are. My mom has always been great, but I actually have to give my dad some credit. He did everything to make sure I got there to my brother's graduation. Even bought me a new dress. All of which is very uncharacteristic of him. And when all this loan stuff happened, he went to the library and him and my mom got a bunch of books on paying for college, something they haven't done in the whole 3 years. Things with my dad have been rocky. Ant the past is always going to be there. I know he hasn't "changed" and he probably isn't going to but for the time being he's being a pretty great dad. He's never been real supportive of me being in college. he's always seemed indifferent to the whole thing but lately he's been trying to do everything to make sure I finish. They're still unemployed and it's hard so they can't financially support me. But I never wanted any money. They've been here and that's made all the difference.

Yeah, there has been some downs and I'm still struggling with some stuff but beside all that my life has been pretty awesome. My family has been great, my friends are great and it's those people who are making this whole ride worth it.

I'm not where I want to be yet, nor am I exactly the person I'd like to be but this whole growing up and living is pretty worth it when you have a bunch of great people to share it with.