In my Creative Non-Fiction class, we had a small assignment that included us writing about ourselves in third person (try it, it's harder than you think). Once I started writing, it got me thinking about my name.
As I've expressed before, I'm not entirely religious. I claim myself as Agnostic but even that isn't quite fitting. At this point in my life, I'm not religious but I'm against being so. I've been exploring that aspect of my life. Although I'm not quite sure whether I believe in a God as defined by the Bible, I still believe a life is not complete without some aspect of spirituality. So although I don't exactly believe in a "big man upstairs," I do however believe in a higher power of some sort whether that be a God, fate, or even just chance (Like I said, I'm still exploring). Anyway, I don't know what out there causes things to happen, but I believe it all happens for some reason.
I say all this because my CNF assignment got me wondering whether I'm named the way I am because my parents liked the name, or if there was some unconcious reason, my mom was drawn to the name "Melissa."
For those of you who don't know, my full name is Melissa Dawn Nelson. My mom told me she chose this name because it was either Melissa or Michelle and she went with Melissa because it felt right. My middle name is because I was born at the crack of dawn on a sunday morning. Fairly simple reasoning, huh?
"Melissa" is of Greek origin and it translates to "honey bee." According to Greek mythology there was a nymph named Melissa who discovered how to use honey. She was one of the nurses who also took care of baby Zeus, who later in his adult years, transformed her into a beautiful bee. Other myths credit the nymph Melissa as introducing modesty into mankind. Melissa is also the name of the moon goddess who took suffering away from women giving birth (pretty cool huh?).
As interesting as that history is, I used to hate my name. It's just so common and there's nothing special about it. But the more I studied my name's origin, and related it to the woman I have grown into, the more I was able to find some reassurance and comfort in it.
I have a fear of bees. I downright hate them and I am definitely the girl who runs if a bee flies even a foot nearby. Now I'm gonna go all Writing major on you (just a warning). If you interpret that, it's kinda interesting. My name means honey bee, yet I run from bees. It's almost a metaphor for I've been kinda running away from myself. And when I look at the way the past few years of my life, I find some sense in that interpretation. It's a little freaky how closely it ties into my life.
Then there's my middle name, Dawn. Sunrises are the epitamy of beautiful. But somedays, the sun can easily be concealed by the clouds, hidden behind those dark masses. Kinda depressing. But the same as me. I am shy and I really have a hard time letting my colors show. Somedays I allow myself to be completely shielded by the clouds. I mask myself behind classmates, family, friends and slip into the spaces trying to be unseen. But when I stop peaking out from horizons and allow myself to be fully immensed in my life and who I am, I realize how full of color I am and how bright I really can shine among my peers. This all sounds so cliche and that may make this uncomprehensible but to me, it makes perfect sense.
There is no scientific reason why bees can fly. Their bodies are too heavy for their wings so they shouln't be able to take flight, but they do. And somedays that's how I feel. Like I'm not meant to fly, or in less cliche sounding terms, succeed. But like the bee, I can. And that offers some comfort to this crazy thing I call my life.
I am a 21 year old woman majoring in writing in a little city in southern Indiana. To the world, I'm a nobody. Just a sun forever shrouded in the clouds. But to my mom, or my brother, or my friends, and one day to my future husband and kids, I'm full of color and a sunshine that shouldn't be forced behind dark clouds, or a bad mood. I am full of so much warmth and love and do everything whole heartedly like the nymph who nursed baby Zeus. I may be quiet to a lot of people but when I burst out from that horizon, I'm a whole world of color and possibility and dare I say, beauty. And like the honey bee, I will learn to fly even when everything says I can't or I shouldn't be able to.
Going back to my religious beliefs, or in my case, spiritual, I mentioned I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. I was given my name for a reason. My mom said I could have been named Michelle. Michelle, the female version of Michael, translates to "Who is like God." Oddly, my dad's name is Michael, my dad who has lost his way on many accounts. Who I am nothing like. Kinda funny why my mom picked Melissa instead of Michelle at last minute huh?
To alot of people this whole entry will seem really dumb and contrived. But I know there are some who will understand my unorganzized, oddly formed ideals. And just for fun, you should look up the history of your own name. and see if its story fits like mine.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Just for fun because I like this song :)
http://youtu.be/IhkPcplBvO8
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Goodbye One Tree Hill
Yes, if you are not a One Tree Hill fan, this is going to seem like the lamest post in the world, but who cares.
Tonight is the last episode EVER of my favorite tv show. Yes, it is just a show. But since I was 13 this show has had such a huge impact on me.
I grew up watching these characters and their struggles and triumphs. And as a writer, it's inspiring that these characters, who started out as words on a computer screen has touched so many lives.
It's crazy how a TV SHOW can have such an impact. I mean it's just a show but then again it's so much more. Just like a book is just a book or a movie is just a movie. A painting is just a painting and a song is just a song. Yet all of these things can touch anyone a certain way.
My teenage years kinda sucked especially with all that was going on with my dad, but an hour once a week, I had an ESCAPE. It was my home away from reality. I could tune out the drunken yelling and angry shouting and get lost in a world where these characters had their own problems with not so perfect parents and not so perfect lives. Yet it showed that, things get better. And they do. Life goes on, people make mistakes, yet it's never too late for second chances. It's never too late to go back and fix things.
I related so much to each character in different ways, especially Peyton. It's freeing to see pieces of yourself on a tv screen and seeing those characters navigate their way to happiness and dreams come true.
Am I being a bit melodramatic? Probably to someone who hasn't watched this show or thinks it's just a lame teen drama. But think of a book, a movie, a song, or anything that has touched your life. It's that same feeling.
I owe a lot to this show. I wouldn't say it made me who I am today like a lot of people are claiming but it helped me survive. It helped me see that there is always a bright light to every dark tunnel. That happiness is attainable when you let go of your fears and just go after what you want. It gave me a new perspective on life when my perspective was pretty dark. From 13 to 21 is a significant gap in my life and I'm glad I had a show like One Tree Hill to grow up with. It definitely is a defining part of my teenage years and the lessons I took from it will stick with me and those characters will always be in the back of my mind. Not because I'm a crazy fan girl, but because some guy sat down and used his words to create something that inspired a whole lot of people.
One day, if I can write something that can inspire people one ounce as much as One Tree Hill has inspired me, I'd call myself pretty successful.
#GoodbyeOneTreeHill
Tonight is the last episode EVER of my favorite tv show. Yes, it is just a show. But since I was 13 this show has had such a huge impact on me.
I grew up watching these characters and their struggles and triumphs. And as a writer, it's inspiring that these characters, who started out as words on a computer screen has touched so many lives.
It's crazy how a TV SHOW can have such an impact. I mean it's just a show but then again it's so much more. Just like a book is just a book or a movie is just a movie. A painting is just a painting and a song is just a song. Yet all of these things can touch anyone a certain way.
My teenage years kinda sucked especially with all that was going on with my dad, but an hour once a week, I had an ESCAPE. It was my home away from reality. I could tune out the drunken yelling and angry shouting and get lost in a world where these characters had their own problems with not so perfect parents and not so perfect lives. Yet it showed that, things get better. And they do. Life goes on, people make mistakes, yet it's never too late for second chances. It's never too late to go back and fix things.
I related so much to each character in different ways, especially Peyton. It's freeing to see pieces of yourself on a tv screen and seeing those characters navigate their way to happiness and dreams come true.
Am I being a bit melodramatic? Probably to someone who hasn't watched this show or thinks it's just a lame teen drama. But think of a book, a movie, a song, or anything that has touched your life. It's that same feeling.
I owe a lot to this show. I wouldn't say it made me who I am today like a lot of people are claiming but it helped me survive. It helped me see that there is always a bright light to every dark tunnel. That happiness is attainable when you let go of your fears and just go after what you want. It gave me a new perspective on life when my perspective was pretty dark. From 13 to 21 is a significant gap in my life and I'm glad I had a show like One Tree Hill to grow up with. It definitely is a defining part of my teenage years and the lessons I took from it will stick with me and those characters will always be in the back of my mind. Not because I'm a crazy fan girl, but because some guy sat down and used his words to create something that inspired a whole lot of people.
One day, if I can write something that can inspire people one ounce as much as One Tree Hill has inspired me, I'd call myself pretty successful.
#GoodbyeOneTreeHill
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
My Lifelong Battle
I apologize for this entry being a little heavy. For the the past few days, I've had this really weighing on me. Before that even, this topic has always weighed down on me.
Sometimes in the rush of life, it's easy to forget but it's always there like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I try to be a pretty positive, upbeat person, but like anyone I fall short. And I always will. But unlike a lot of people, I don't bounce back from things like I should. I dwell on them and let them beat down on me. Like anyone I'm not perfect, but instead of realizing that, I hold everyone in my life up to this unnaturally high standards and then compare myself to them. All of my life I have struggled internally with myself about who to be, which is normal. But it's hard to feel good about anything I do when I look in the mirror and don't love the person staring back. It's really been an issue for me in relationships, friendships, and just in my personal perception of who I am.
Last night, I wrote a paper for psychology about the study of happiness and why others are happy while others aren't. One psychologist studied 4 aspects of the question. I won't bore you with all of the psychology mumbo jumbo, but basically happier people are people who hold themselves to their own standards instead of placing themselves up against their peers. I am guilty of ALWAYS comparing myself against the people in my life. And it contributes to how I see myself.
A friend gets engaged, I feel like crap about my love life. A friend gets a better score in a class, I dismiss my whole academic career as sucky. It's a problem and I feel like I'm stuck on this merry-go-round of self-loathing. It's like I intentionally break myself down and blame everyone else for it.
When someone walks out of my life, I blame myself. I sit and nit pick at every little flaw I have that may have drove them away. When someone becomes closer to another friend, I compare myself to that person and bash myself for not being as fun, as smart, as thin, or as talented. When my ex dumped me and married someone else, I went into such a dark place because I compared every little thing about myself to this girl I had never even met. I allowed myself to go into this dark place instead of stepping back, looking at what made me great and moved on. I'll admit, to this day (2 and a half years later), I still find myself looking in the mirror and thinking why her?
It pains me that I've wasted so much time downing myself and looking at everyone else. And it's been a big struggle that I still haven't gained any type of control over. I take EVERYTHING personally, EVERYTHING. And this attitude is taking over my life. I have this image of who I want to be but truth is I hold myself to such high standards that when I make the tiniest mistake, I give the whole thing up and dwell on it.
I'm trying to be as honest with this and mself, as I can. This attitude is really becoming a problem in my life and I struggle everyday with negative thoughts. I put myself so low on the pole that it's no wonder people walk all over me like they do. And it's made me a jealous person, not spiteful, just jealous. And I don't like being that person. I don't like yearning after what someone else has when I have my own life that could be just as great if I took my head out of my ass to see it.
In past entries, I've touched on this before. I've touched on just wanting to be happy. But honestly I'm nver going to be because the standards I hold myself to are so unrealistic. I CAN'T be my sister, or any of my friends, or the girl Steven married, or even just a random passerby. I was given this life because it is what was meant for me and I'm sitting here in this cloud of self-hatred. I'm driving people away. I'm driving myself into deeper problems than I could have ever imagined.
It's tough to realize that my weight has gotten the way it has becuase I don't love myself enough to even try. I think, "oh well, I'm always going to be fat and ugly so why bother?" And it's thoughts like those that are killing me internally.
I'm so trapped inside my own head that I suffocate myself. I don't know how to break free of myself and start appreciating what I have to offer the world. It's so frustrating that I can't just allow myself to let go and be Melissa. This struggle is something I've battled all of my life and yeah, I can sit here and blame the emotional abuse my dad caused me, but I've lived away from that for 3 years now. This is my choice. I have the control over who I want to be and how I want to think but instead of taking hold of the reigns, I let myself fall short of what I could actually be capable. If I spent as much time doing things I loved and letting myself free as I do hating myself, this would be a whole different entry.
21 years and I'm wasting it and that's what kills me. How do you just let go of the pain and the doubt and the standards? How do you stop yourself for holding yourself back when you've been doing it for so long? How do you love the person that you are when you spend so much time hating her?
Sometimes in the rush of life, it's easy to forget but it's always there like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I try to be a pretty positive, upbeat person, but like anyone I fall short. And I always will. But unlike a lot of people, I don't bounce back from things like I should. I dwell on them and let them beat down on me. Like anyone I'm not perfect, but instead of realizing that, I hold everyone in my life up to this unnaturally high standards and then compare myself to them. All of my life I have struggled internally with myself about who to be, which is normal. But it's hard to feel good about anything I do when I look in the mirror and don't love the person staring back. It's really been an issue for me in relationships, friendships, and just in my personal perception of who I am.
Last night, I wrote a paper for psychology about the study of happiness and why others are happy while others aren't. One psychologist studied 4 aspects of the question. I won't bore you with all of the psychology mumbo jumbo, but basically happier people are people who hold themselves to their own standards instead of placing themselves up against their peers. I am guilty of ALWAYS comparing myself against the people in my life. And it contributes to how I see myself.
A friend gets engaged, I feel like crap about my love life. A friend gets a better score in a class, I dismiss my whole academic career as sucky. It's a problem and I feel like I'm stuck on this merry-go-round of self-loathing. It's like I intentionally break myself down and blame everyone else for it.
When someone walks out of my life, I blame myself. I sit and nit pick at every little flaw I have that may have drove them away. When someone becomes closer to another friend, I compare myself to that person and bash myself for not being as fun, as smart, as thin, or as talented. When my ex dumped me and married someone else, I went into such a dark place because I compared every little thing about myself to this girl I had never even met. I allowed myself to go into this dark place instead of stepping back, looking at what made me great and moved on. I'll admit, to this day (2 and a half years later), I still find myself looking in the mirror and thinking why her?
It pains me that I've wasted so much time downing myself and looking at everyone else. And it's been a big struggle that I still haven't gained any type of control over. I take EVERYTHING personally, EVERYTHING. And this attitude is taking over my life. I have this image of who I want to be but truth is I hold myself to such high standards that when I make the tiniest mistake, I give the whole thing up and dwell on it.
I'm trying to be as honest with this and mself, as I can. This attitude is really becoming a problem in my life and I struggle everyday with negative thoughts. I put myself so low on the pole that it's no wonder people walk all over me like they do. And it's made me a jealous person, not spiteful, just jealous. And I don't like being that person. I don't like yearning after what someone else has when I have my own life that could be just as great if I took my head out of my ass to see it.
In past entries, I've touched on this before. I've touched on just wanting to be happy. But honestly I'm nver going to be because the standards I hold myself to are so unrealistic. I CAN'T be my sister, or any of my friends, or the girl Steven married, or even just a random passerby. I was given this life because it is what was meant for me and I'm sitting here in this cloud of self-hatred. I'm driving people away. I'm driving myself into deeper problems than I could have ever imagined.
It's tough to realize that my weight has gotten the way it has becuase I don't love myself enough to even try. I think, "oh well, I'm always going to be fat and ugly so why bother?" And it's thoughts like those that are killing me internally.
I'm so trapped inside my own head that I suffocate myself. I don't know how to break free of myself and start appreciating what I have to offer the world. It's so frustrating that I can't just allow myself to let go and be Melissa. This struggle is something I've battled all of my life and yeah, I can sit here and blame the emotional abuse my dad caused me, but I've lived away from that for 3 years now. This is my choice. I have the control over who I want to be and how I want to think but instead of taking hold of the reigns, I let myself fall short of what I could actually be capable. If I spent as much time doing things I loved and letting myself free as I do hating myself, this would be a whole different entry.
21 years and I'm wasting it and that's what kills me. How do you just let go of the pain and the doubt and the standards? How do you stop yourself for holding yourself back when you've been doing it for so long? How do you love the person that you are when you spend so much time hating her?
Monday, April 2, 2012
ABC's of Me
Just thought I'd do this for fun. You should do it too! Make it a blog entry and copy the link to a comment on this post or post it as a comment :)
A- Art- I really enjoy art. Drawing and painting mostly. It's a hobby mostly.
B- Baseball: my favorite sport ever. Definitely a Cardinals fan, born & raised.
C- Cooking: I love it! Especially when I'm doing it for someone else.
D- Dogs are my favorite animals (and Dolphins are a close second)
E-
F- Friends & Family are pretty much my world. I put everyone first before myself (which gets me into trouble) but I love the people in my life even when they walk away or aren't as great.
G- Goofy pretty much decribes me. I'm clumsy and kinda ditzy at times. I think I'm come off as ditzy at least.
H- How I Met Your Mother is my favorite show right now (now that OTH is ending)
I- Italy- I would love, love, love to travel here. This is my dream honeymoon.
J- Jason Aldean is my favorite country singer.
K- Kids are my second passion. If writing doesn't work out, I'll most likely go into pre-school teaching or childcare.
L- Liars are my biggest pet peeve. Honesty is my number one policy. I like people who tell me how it is and don't waste time with games.
M- Mandy Moore: I idolize her tremendously. If I could befriend any celeb, it'd be her.
N- Neat-freak: I can't function is things around me are cluttered or messy.
O- One Tree Hill- my favorite t.v. show and gulity pleasure. Don't judge!
P- Pink-my favorite color!
Q- Quiet: I am a very quiet person until I warm up but once I do, I'm as outgoing as anyone else.
R- Red- I like to wear red a lot because it was my grandma's (now deceased) favorite color on me.
S- St. Louis, Missouri: My hometown and as much as I say I hated it, it has a special place in my heart.
T- Twizzlers are my favorite candy
U- University of Evansville: my college
V- Vehicle- I love ford mustangs, chevy cobalts and trucks.
W- Writing: my major and hopeful career path
X- X-ray- I've only had one and it s when I was six years old for a broken pinky.
Y- Youtube: I have a Youtube channel where I sing. It's kinda unknown since I don't like to share it.
Z- Zoo animals- I love the seals :)
Friday, March 30, 2012
New Look!
I wanted to change things up so I hope ya'll like the new look! I do!
I wanted to make my blog look a little more "me" so enjoy.
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
I wanted to make my blog look a little more "me" so enjoy.
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday
There are a lot of things I want out of life. When I think of a happy life I see myself surrounded by good family and friends, a few dogs (all adopted from shelters), my writing degree hanging in an in-home office/library, photo albums full of travels throughout Europe and places in the US interspersed between adventures with those I love; a wonderful guy by my side, and a healthy me.
I've talked a lot about where I'm going after I graduate in a little over a year. The options are endless. Right now, the plan is to move to northern Indiana around the Muncie area. My grandma is getting ready to retire and with my aunt and uncle busy working, they need help with the kids. Plus, I think after 4 years of being away from my family and learning some pretty hard lessons, I need to be back in my comfort zone for a little while. As far as work or grad school, I'll be applying to Ball State to see if I get into their English program. Also, I'm going to take the Praxis exam to get certified to teach pre-school as a back up plan to writing. Slowly, but surely, I'm weaving out the details.
But outside of the school and career aspect of my budding life, there's something more. Something that I despite the importance of writing and working with kids, would leave my life lacking.
What I want most out of my life is to be a mom.
For years I watched my own mother struggle with my dad, always putting us kids first. That kind of love is unimaginable. Seeing a part of yourself grow and learn the ins and outs of life has to be the best thing a person can witness. And truthfully, I don't think my life would be complete without becoming a parent.
I'm in no rush. The point of being a good mom is also having the right timing and making sure my life is in the right place. But when that day comes, I will be overjoyed.
Kids are a beautiful thing and it's wonderful to see life and the little things adults take for granted through their eyes.
Sure, I could be a pre-school teacher, or a writer, or even a librarian, but the greatest job I could have is to be a mom.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Journey of Being a Senior in College Begins!
Wow, I am on a blogging roll apparently.
Yesterday I registered for Fall semester senior year classes! Super exciting. As of now, my schedule is going to look something like this:
Yesterday I registered for Fall semester senior year classes! Super exciting. As of now, my schedule is going to look something like this:
1. Renaissance and 17th Century Literature
2. Genre Fiction Writing
3. Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy
4. 19th Century Women's Literature
5. Twentieth Century Art History
Looks like a pretty awesome schedule to me.
With fall registration done, a FREE All Time Low concert in April with friends, a summer job already lined up, and Kenzie coming back from Europe in the near future, things are looking pretty good right now. :)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Pour Your Heart Out: The Trouble With Love
**My good friend Ashley has done these on her blog before and I have considered doing it in the past but haven't. So, after checking out this blog (which is great, by the way) and out of my restlessness for a little change, I've decided to start Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays. We'll see how long I keep up with it.**
Looking at my old blog entries, it is no mystery that I haven't had luck with guys or love or just dating in general. Any one of my closest friends will tell you, I SUCK at picking guys.
It's like the genes or brain triggers that control attraction are all out of whack in my body because I seriously am attracted to alll the wrong guys. In my case, it truly is easier to be single.
As a psychhology major turned minor, I have considered that the history I have with my dad and my how my parents' highly dysfunctual relationship may have had on me. And there is some answers in this history. So, does that mean, I'm not biologically programmed to find my prince charming? Will I NEVER pick the right guy?
Yes, those questions are a bit extreme for a 21 year old college student who hasn't truly begun living yet, but it's hard NOT to ponder.
I haven't been reduced to crying in a corner living off of Ben & Jerry's declaring "I will NEVER EVER EVER find love" (now, that would be extreme). I know that I am a good person with a big heart but as a lot of people tell me, I sell myself short. I guess it's hard to find a guy who will love you unconditionally when I don't really love myself to that extent.
As cliche as it sounds, it's a bit dumb of me to even expect any one, let alone guys to treat me the way I want to be, when I don't give myself that same treatment. I'm not a confident person nor do I really have the best of self-esteem. I can recognize that I am a good, genuine person but when it comes to pointing out the things that make me extraordinary or special, I draw a blank.
I don't always speak up for myself. And I have a tendency of letting others walk all over me and take me for granted. Maybe that's put a stamp on my forehead that only jerks can see. It would make sense. If I am jerk to myself, then i'm only going to fall for the jerks.
It's a long road to self-confidence but one day I'm going to realize what's so special about me and I'm going to fall in love with it.
Maybe this only makes sense in my head, but in order to allow myself to fall for the right guy, I've gotta let myself be the right girl. I've got to fall for Melissa. It's like my own personal struggle and I'm making myself the "nice guy who finishes last." But like in the movies, the nice guy gets the girl in the end so with a little re-writing and some new casting, maybe I'll stop letting myself come in last.
Melissa <3
Thursday, March 15, 2012
100th Post!
Wow, it's been awhile. Time for some catching up!
Life has been a roller coaster since my last entry; LOTS of ups and downs.
First, I've had to move into a new place because of some "unforeseen circumstances" that happened with the apartment I was living in. Basically, stupidity, laziness, and just misjudgement forced me into finding a new place to live. So, now I'm all moved into a new place and life has calmed down a bit. It's an apartment that was attached to the back of my boss's house that she was renting out. It's not perfect but for the most part I like it (A lot better than a cardboard box on the street I would say).
I've talked about the issues I was having with paying my school bills. Well, a few days ago I finally had to suck up some courage and talk to student accounts about my situation and was pleasently surprised. They were very understanding about it and basically just had me sign for another loan (which is gonna bite me in the butt 2 years from now), but it cleared most of what I owed and put me back in good standing. I cannot stress how much of a weight lifted this was!!! I feel like I can focus on finishing off my junior year now and maybe enjoy these last two months.
Speaking of finishing junior year, I met with my advisor yesterday about senior year classes (EEK!!!) and after my fall semester of senior year I will be DONE with my major. I am BEYOND excited. I keep thinking about walking across that stage and being handed a DEGREE. To many, it's just another momentous occasion. But for me, graduating college is THE momentous occasion. It's all I ever dreamed about in high school. My mom encouraged me so much because she wanted to see me do things that she didn't and it's so fullfilling to know that in a year, my mom will watch me complete something she has wanted more than anything for me. I'll be the first in my family to have a college degree and the accomplishment is one that I hold dear to my heart. It makes me think back to when I chose college and as much as I did it for me, I know it did it for my mom just as much.
Obviously, I'm very excited about senior year. Junior year has put me through some hellish things, mostly as aftermath of my crappy decisions last year. And I want lie, it has been ROUGH. I've considered dropping out and moving back home some many times. But honestly, I took my situation for granted.
In the past two months, a young firefighter (about my age) lost his life on duty. Also, tornadoes ripped through Indiana (It was pretty scary especially as towns were being demolished around me). There was one incident in particular that really struck me. There was a story about a family in Salem, IN that really hit me. The mother was 20 and the father was 21. They had 3 beautiful children all under the ages of 4. When one of the tornadoes ripped through their town, it took the lives of this young couple and two of their children. Their youngest child, a 14 month baby girl named Angel, was found in a cornfield 10 miles from her home in critical condition. Of course she was rushed to the hospital, and two days later, she died as well.
The story of the firefighter and this family really hit me. These people were YOUNG; my age. Yet, one was risking his life for others and the couple was raising a family. And they lost their lives. And 3 children didn't even get a real chance to even live their lives. And here I was complaining about some stupid incidents that were complicating my life when it could have been so much worse. And after I heard about that baby girl dying, I just lost it and balled my eyes out. It really opened my eyes to how much I take for granted and it definitely put things into perspective.
In the midst of what was happening with my apartment, one of BEST friends who I've known since my sophomore year of high high school told me (basically, but this paraphrased) that my life was too much of a mess and she was done being a part of it. She kicked me out of her wedding as her bridesmaid and we haven't spoken since. And honestly, I was crushed. I try not to be a needy person but recently I have needed my friends now more than ever and she just turns her back on me? I was bitter and angry for a week and then that story about that family popped up in the news and I felt stupid for even caring.
Point is, there is no reason to focus on the little things. If someone wants to chose to walk away, then let them. If someone wants to be fake, let them. Why dwell on it? Yes, I'm sad that I lost one of my best friends but I'm not going to sit here and pity myself because SHE made the choice to walk away. Just like I'm not going to sit and dwell on all the other people I expected to be there when I was in need and who weren't. I learned a hard lesson about true friends and I know who mine are now more than ever. And honestly, I learned the hard way to just let things be. I try to be a good friend to everyone in my life. Yes, I fall short sometimes but I NEVER just walk away from someone. And I don't deserve ANYONE in my life who is going to do that to me. I can accept mistakes and shortcomings. But I will not accept someone who makes the choice to not be around or someone who doesn't even try. End of story.
In other news, things have seemed to start to fall into place. Kenzie and I are getting an apartment together for our senior year and I am SUPER excited! Also, I have lost 13 pounds so far (EEEEKKK!!!). So, I am beginning to see the bright end of the tunnel.
Life is mysterious and everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. There is a reason why certain things happen and why certain people stick around and why others don't. And life is too short to sit and dwell on it all. Just accept it, bounce, and move on. And LIVE. That is a philosophy that I have needed to be kicked in the ass with.
100 posts ago, I said, "I've been through a lot in my life. Some of it amounted to nothing, but in the end I see it's amounted to the person I am now so that must be worth it... In the end, I'm me. I'm here and I'm strong and I regret nothing. Nothing at all."
And although a lot has happened over these 100 posts, this thought still rings true. And it always will.
Thanks for reading!
Life has been a roller coaster since my last entry; LOTS of ups and downs.
First, I've had to move into a new place because of some "unforeseen circumstances" that happened with the apartment I was living in. Basically, stupidity, laziness, and just misjudgement forced me into finding a new place to live. So, now I'm all moved into a new place and life has calmed down a bit. It's an apartment that was attached to the back of my boss's house that she was renting out. It's not perfect but for the most part I like it (A lot better than a cardboard box on the street I would say).
I've talked about the issues I was having with paying my school bills. Well, a few days ago I finally had to suck up some courage and talk to student accounts about my situation and was pleasently surprised. They were very understanding about it and basically just had me sign for another loan (which is gonna bite me in the butt 2 years from now), but it cleared most of what I owed and put me back in good standing. I cannot stress how much of a weight lifted this was!!! I feel like I can focus on finishing off my junior year now and maybe enjoy these last two months.
Speaking of finishing junior year, I met with my advisor yesterday about senior year classes (EEK!!!) and after my fall semester of senior year I will be DONE with my major. I am BEYOND excited. I keep thinking about walking across that stage and being handed a DEGREE. To many, it's just another momentous occasion. But for me, graduating college is THE momentous occasion. It's all I ever dreamed about in high school. My mom encouraged me so much because she wanted to see me do things that she didn't and it's so fullfilling to know that in a year, my mom will watch me complete something she has wanted more than anything for me. I'll be the first in my family to have a college degree and the accomplishment is one that I hold dear to my heart. It makes me think back to when I chose college and as much as I did it for me, I know it did it for my mom just as much.
Obviously, I'm very excited about senior year. Junior year has put me through some hellish things, mostly as aftermath of my crappy decisions last year. And I want lie, it has been ROUGH. I've considered dropping out and moving back home some many times. But honestly, I took my situation for granted.
In the past two months, a young firefighter (about my age) lost his life on duty. Also, tornadoes ripped through Indiana (It was pretty scary especially as towns were being demolished around me). There was one incident in particular that really struck me. There was a story about a family in Salem, IN that really hit me. The mother was 20 and the father was 21. They had 3 beautiful children all under the ages of 4. When one of the tornadoes ripped through their town, it took the lives of this young couple and two of their children. Their youngest child, a 14 month baby girl named Angel, was found in a cornfield 10 miles from her home in critical condition. Of course she was rushed to the hospital, and two days later, she died as well.
The story of the firefighter and this family really hit me. These people were YOUNG; my age. Yet, one was risking his life for others and the couple was raising a family. And they lost their lives. And 3 children didn't even get a real chance to even live their lives. And here I was complaining about some stupid incidents that were complicating my life when it could have been so much worse. And after I heard about that baby girl dying, I just lost it and balled my eyes out. It really opened my eyes to how much I take for granted and it definitely put things into perspective.
In the midst of what was happening with my apartment, one of BEST friends who I've known since my sophomore year of high high school told me (basically, but this paraphrased) that my life was too much of a mess and she was done being a part of it. She kicked me out of her wedding as her bridesmaid and we haven't spoken since. And honestly, I was crushed. I try not to be a needy person but recently I have needed my friends now more than ever and she just turns her back on me? I was bitter and angry for a week and then that story about that family popped up in the news and I felt stupid for even caring.
Point is, there is no reason to focus on the little things. If someone wants to chose to walk away, then let them. If someone wants to be fake, let them. Why dwell on it? Yes, I'm sad that I lost one of my best friends but I'm not going to sit here and pity myself because SHE made the choice to walk away. Just like I'm not going to sit and dwell on all the other people I expected to be there when I was in need and who weren't. I learned a hard lesson about true friends and I know who mine are now more than ever. And honestly, I learned the hard way to just let things be. I try to be a good friend to everyone in my life. Yes, I fall short sometimes but I NEVER just walk away from someone. And I don't deserve ANYONE in my life who is going to do that to me. I can accept mistakes and shortcomings. But I will not accept someone who makes the choice to not be around or someone who doesn't even try. End of story.
In other news, things have seemed to start to fall into place. Kenzie and I are getting an apartment together for our senior year and I am SUPER excited! Also, I have lost 13 pounds so far (EEEEKKK!!!). So, I am beginning to see the bright end of the tunnel.
Life is mysterious and everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. There is a reason why certain things happen and why certain people stick around and why others don't. And life is too short to sit and dwell on it all. Just accept it, bounce, and move on. And LIVE. That is a philosophy that I have needed to be kicked in the ass with.
100 posts ago, I said, "I've been through a lot in my life. Some of it amounted to nothing, but in the end I see it's amounted to the person I am now so that must be worth it... In the end, I'm me. I'm here and I'm strong and I regret nothing. Nothing at all."
And although a lot has happened over these 100 posts, this thought still rings true. And it always will.
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Head in the Clouds
Lately, I feel like I've been a little out of it. I mean, I'm concentrated on school and my weight loss and all that, which is going well by the way, BUT I feel like my head is somewhere else.
I'll admit, I'm a bit of a dreamer. I wouldn't be in college if I wasn't because I would have just accepted that life I left in St. Louis. I've always dreamed big things, mostly because it fills the hard days with hope for the good ones.
For some reason, although I don't really know where I'll be a year from now, I have the picture in my head of going to grad school, living in my own apartment, meeting some adorably geeky guy, and BAM, life.
Did I mention I'm a hopeless romantic too?
My upcoming senior year makes me feel like I'm in high school all over again except the stakes are higher. When I graduate with my writing degree, I get a chance at that fresh start again. I can go wherever and do whatever I want with my life. It's complete FREEDOM. And as scary as freedom and the real world can sometimes be, I feel completely liberated.
But the question is, what to do?
At this point, where I'm going after I graduate with my bachelor's is up in the air. I've thought about taking a year off to just focus on myself for awhile and spend time with family before enrolling in graduate school in 2014 for my Master's. I've thought about going straight into Graduate school to get my Master's in Writing or Library Science or ANYTHING, really. Go figure I pick a bachelor's degree that leaves so many possibilities open for a Master's. I've thought of going to school anywhere from Muncie, IN, St. Louis, Chicago, Indy, even allll the way to New York. Small town, big city, I can go anywhere.
I have been all over the place with what I truly want to do after I graduate and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time.
Who knows where I'll be a year from now. All I do know, is I want to be happy.
And that's not too far-fetched of a dream, right?
I'll admit, I'm a bit of a dreamer. I wouldn't be in college if I wasn't because I would have just accepted that life I left in St. Louis. I've always dreamed big things, mostly because it fills the hard days with hope for the good ones.
For some reason, although I don't really know where I'll be a year from now, I have the picture in my head of going to grad school, living in my own apartment, meeting some adorably geeky guy, and BAM, life.
Did I mention I'm a hopeless romantic too?
My upcoming senior year makes me feel like I'm in high school all over again except the stakes are higher. When I graduate with my writing degree, I get a chance at that fresh start again. I can go wherever and do whatever I want with my life. It's complete FREEDOM. And as scary as freedom and the real world can sometimes be, I feel completely liberated.
But the question is, what to do?
At this point, where I'm going after I graduate with my bachelor's is up in the air. I've thought about taking a year off to just focus on myself for awhile and spend time with family before enrolling in graduate school in 2014 for my Master's. I've thought about going straight into Graduate school to get my Master's in Writing or Library Science or ANYTHING, really. Go figure I pick a bachelor's degree that leaves so many possibilities open for a Master's. I've thought of going to school anywhere from Muncie, IN, St. Louis, Chicago, Indy, even allll the way to New York. Small town, big city, I can go anywhere.
I have been all over the place with what I truly want to do after I graduate and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time.
Who knows where I'll be a year from now. All I do know, is I want to be happy.
And that's not too far-fetched of a dream, right?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Bottle Up That Sunshine, Dance in the Rain
So, my last post was really... angry. I blame it on the horrible day I was having.
Yes, my money situation is bad. But if anything, I've learned that money isn't everything. Plus, it could be a lot worse. This crunch that I'm in is temporary and I know I'll survive it and there will be better days. And although I get bitter about some of my friends not really being there, I have to be grateful for the few that ARE there. It's hard times like these when you learn who your real friends are, and I am definitely seeing who mine are. And it's funny how the ones who are farthest in distant and the ones I haven't known the longest are the ones here. It really shows that no matter how far away or how long you've known someone, it's their actions that define them as a true friend.
Besides money, good things HAVE been happening. My weight loss is in full swing now and it's going well. I added a ticker to my side margin for anyone who wants to see how much I've lost and such. Also, I do still have my weight loss blog which I love doing. I love having a blog completely dedicated to my weight. It's motivating, really. So if anyone wants to check that out the link is in its own blog entry.
Also, school is going well despite stress. I'm only three weeks in but I'm staying on top of everything and that is an accomplishment. I'm sure my grades will reflect it.
As far as my other, smaller goals, I have kept my word and stuck to those. So really, disregarding my messy financial situation, life really isn't all that bad.
It's these little things, these little rays of sunshine, that I need to hold on to and bottle up. It's those things that are going to get me through the rough days.The storm will pass, and until then I need to learn to dance in it and take it day by day.
No one ever said life was easy, and it's times like these that just make me stronger. One day I am going to look back on these days and be grateful for them because they made me stronger.
I will get through the storm, but until them I'm going to bottle up that sunshine and dance through each day.
Yes, my money situation is bad. But if anything, I've learned that money isn't everything. Plus, it could be a lot worse. This crunch that I'm in is temporary and I know I'll survive it and there will be better days. And although I get bitter about some of my friends not really being there, I have to be grateful for the few that ARE there. It's hard times like these when you learn who your real friends are, and I am definitely seeing who mine are. And it's funny how the ones who are farthest in distant and the ones I haven't known the longest are the ones here. It really shows that no matter how far away or how long you've known someone, it's their actions that define them as a true friend.
Besides money, good things HAVE been happening. My weight loss is in full swing now and it's going well. I added a ticker to my side margin for anyone who wants to see how much I've lost and such. Also, I do still have my weight loss blog which I love doing. I love having a blog completely dedicated to my weight. It's motivating, really. So if anyone wants to check that out the link is in its own blog entry.
Also, school is going well despite stress. I'm only three weeks in but I'm staying on top of everything and that is an accomplishment. I'm sure my grades will reflect it.
As far as my other, smaller goals, I have kept my word and stuck to those. So really, disregarding my messy financial situation, life really isn't all that bad.
It's these little things, these little rays of sunshine, that I need to hold on to and bottle up. It's those things that are going to get me through the rough days.The storm will pass, and until then I need to learn to dance in it and take it day by day.
No one ever said life was easy, and it's times like these that just make me stronger. One day I am going to look back on these days and be grateful for them because they made me stronger.
I will get through the storm, but until them I'm going to bottle up that sunshine and dance through each day.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Random Rant, Gotta Love 'Em
I don't know what it is but I have been so restless lately. My dad is calling it Junioritis.
I am just ready to graduate college and walk across that stage and have that degree in hand. I'm tired of the weight of "Am I gonna be able to pay for this?" or "Will I make it to graduation without dropping out because my finances are so bad?"
From the beginning I came to UE because it had a fairly good writing program and it was half way between St. Louis and Portland, IN. Plus I just wanted to be in Indiana. But the deciding factor of why I came to UE is because it was closer to my then fiancee at the time. And since all that ended, I've tried to love this city but I just can't. I'm ready to move on from here. Frankly because there are a lot of bad memories that surround this place. I mean, I moved here with the intention of being married and seeing my ex more often. Then, the story unraveled and that was shattered. Evansville was an alright temporary home but I'm ready to leave it. I gained great friends from being here and I'll be grateful for that. But other than that, I kinda hate it here.
And whether I take time off or go straight into Graduate school, wherever I end up 2 years from now will not be here, in Evansville, IN.
I am just ready to graduate college and walk across that stage and have that degree in hand. I'm tired of the weight of "Am I gonna be able to pay for this?" or "Will I make it to graduation without dropping out because my finances are so bad?"
From the beginning I came to UE because it had a fairly good writing program and it was half way between St. Louis and Portland, IN. Plus I just wanted to be in Indiana. But the deciding factor of why I came to UE is because it was closer to my then fiancee at the time. And since all that ended, I've tried to love this city but I just can't. I'm ready to move on from here. Frankly because there are a lot of bad memories that surround this place. I mean, I moved here with the intention of being married and seeing my ex more often. Then, the story unraveled and that was shattered. Evansville was an alright temporary home but I'm ready to leave it. I gained great friends from being here and I'll be grateful for that. But other than that, I kinda hate it here.
And whether I take time off or go straight into Graduate school, wherever I end up 2 years from now will not be here, in Evansville, IN.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Baby Steps and Alternative Choices
So, I'm writing this blog in between classes/ eating lunch so I apologize if it seems rushed (because it is). I just wanted to do a tinsy little update on things:
I haven't quite JUMPED on my resolutions, BUT don't start tsking me because I'm doing it semi on purpose. If I seriously want to commit and make these changes, I didn't want to start cold turkey especially with the whole weight loss thing since I have tried (and failed) so many times.
I've taken a new approach. Instead of just throwing myself in there I'm taking baby steps-- little alternative choices to replace bad choices.
I haven't been religiously calorie counting or working out, YET. I started by looking more closely at food labels and kind of mentally keeping track of how much I was really eating. Also, I've been walking more to get myself moving. To satisfy my whole sodium thing, I have given up ramen noodles which is a bit painful on my budget but my health is more important at this point. I was eating ramen every day and that sodium is really bad for my body. So instead, I've opted for brown rice and veggies. Also, I've mostly been drinking water, water, green tea, and some more water but that wasn't the hard part since I was already doing that.
Today, however, I am starting back at the gym and using the app to calorie count. I'm anxious to get started so I figure I've given myself enough of a lead in. My goal (ish) is to lose 30 pounds by June 1st because that's my brother's graduation and I'd like to look semi-better. That's about it in the health department.
My sleeping habits haven't really improved that much since I've been sick. And it's so hard to get myself to sleep 7-9 hours a night so I have no clue why I made that a resolution. That will definitely be one of my "well I meant well" goals because I doubt I am going to be so serious about it.
My finances are kind of the same as my health- baby steps. I've started writing in my check register again to keep track of all my spending. I also watch my account closer ( I had stopped checking my balances because I hated seeing how little money I really had). Also, I've started job searching again. I gave up on this back in November after getting no call backs or being hired at the places I did get interviewed. Finding a job is a sucky process because I'm broke and need the money yet I'm having to patiently fill out applications and wait around to be called for interviews. It's exhausting and frustrating. BUT I'm doing it. On other notes:
Lastly, classes have been going great. This semester I am taking:
<3Melissa
I haven't quite JUMPED on my resolutions, BUT don't start tsking me because I'm doing it semi on purpose. If I seriously want to commit and make these changes, I didn't want to start cold turkey especially with the whole weight loss thing since I have tried (and failed) so many times.
I've taken a new approach. Instead of just throwing myself in there I'm taking baby steps-- little alternative choices to replace bad choices.
I haven't been religiously calorie counting or working out, YET. I started by looking more closely at food labels and kind of mentally keeping track of how much I was really eating. Also, I've been walking more to get myself moving. To satisfy my whole sodium thing, I have given up ramen noodles which is a bit painful on my budget but my health is more important at this point. I was eating ramen every day and that sodium is really bad for my body. So instead, I've opted for brown rice and veggies. Also, I've mostly been drinking water, water, green tea, and some more water but that wasn't the hard part since I was already doing that.
Today, however, I am starting back at the gym and using the app to calorie count. I'm anxious to get started so I figure I've given myself enough of a lead in. My goal (ish) is to lose 30 pounds by June 1st because that's my brother's graduation and I'd like to look semi-better. That's about it in the health department.
My sleeping habits haven't really improved that much since I've been sick. And it's so hard to get myself to sleep 7-9 hours a night so I have no clue why I made that a resolution. That will definitely be one of my "well I meant well" goals because I doubt I am going to be so serious about it.
My finances are kind of the same as my health- baby steps. I've started writing in my check register again to keep track of all my spending. I also watch my account closer ( I had stopped checking my balances because I hated seeing how little money I really had). Also, I've started job searching again. I gave up on this back in November after getting no call backs or being hired at the places I did get interviewed. Finding a job is a sucky process because I'm broke and need the money yet I'm having to patiently fill out applications and wait around to be called for interviews. It's exhausting and frustrating. BUT I'm doing it. On other notes:
- I have not started writing an hour a day but I'm working my way up to it.
- I'm doing all right in the friend department as far as I know. I recently took some time out to voluntarily design my friend's save-the-date cards and invitations for her upcoming wedding.
- The driver's license thing won't happen until June when I make my trip to St. Louis for James' graduation
- As tempting as it has been (because I like to creep), I have not unblock the toxic people nor do I plan on it.
- Annnd I'm slowly thinking on post-graduation plans (you'll probably hear a lot more about this later on)
Lastly, classes have been going great. This semester I am taking:
- British Literature
- Biology (my last gen ed, thank god!)
- Creative Non-Fiction
- Contemporary Novel (my favorite by far)
- Abnormal Psyc (which I was excited to have been taking a break from psyc but after the education class I was planning to take was cancelled I opted for psyc, I really like this class so far though so it was a good choice.)
<3Melissa
If a Man Wants You
If a Man Wants You - DivineCaroline
I relate to this more than I care to admit lol. Definitely some good things to keep in mind
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Resolutions & my New Year :)
I'm a little late on this, but HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had a wonderful start to their year. I ended up bringing in the new year alone (yes, no partying for me) so I spent it watching Dick Clark's special and writing in my journal to reflect on 2011. Bringing in the year with just myself, as depressing as that sounds, was really kinda fitting. In 2012, I need to learn how to trust myself and be independent again. So, I brought my year in right if you look at it that way.
Anywho, as promised, here are my resolutions for the new year. They are kinda specific and I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself. If I do them, then great. If not, then it's not the end of the world. Most of the goals revolve around school and weight loss, but a lot just centers around being happy and being a good person. So here we go:
Also, just a tiny announcement: Congratulations to one of my best and closest friends Ashley on the birth of her beautiful baby boy on January 9th. I'm so happy for her as well as her hubby and their daughter Caylee. Time to save up for trip to Georgia now ;)
<3 Melissa
Anywho, as promised, here are my resolutions for the new year. They are kinda specific and I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself. If I do them, then great. If not, then it's not the end of the world. Most of the goals revolve around school and weight loss, but a lot just centers around being happy and being a good person. So here we go:
- Do not get any grades below a B-
- Decide on my post-graduation plans
- Get my stupid driver's license
- Work out 30-60 minutes 4-5 times a week
- Stop late night snacking
- Figure out new living arrabgements for senior year
- Have better financial standing
- Get involved in something Writing-related to add to my resume
- become independent on MYSELF again
- Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep a night
- Do more things for people small or big whether they be friend, family, or stranger
- Keep certain people who cause drama in my life blocked on all social sites so they can not contact me in any way
- Learn something new (hopefully knitting)
- Limit soda and other sugary drinks
- Take at least 1 hour per day to write simply for pleasure (not school-related)
- Aim to be more social
- Use a calorie counting app to track my calorie intake daily
- Watch my sodium intake
- Live well, Laugh often, & Love much :)
Also, just a tiny announcement: Congratulations to one of my best and closest friends Ashley on the birth of her beautiful baby boy on January 9th. I'm so happy for her as well as her hubby and their daughter Caylee. Time to save up for trip to Georgia now ;)
<3 Melissa
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