"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." ~Winston Churchill
Well, my second semester of my sophomore year of college starts tomorrow and I can't help but feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I mean, I have a lot to be excited about. I'm starting my new major and continuing writing and I have some pretty interesting classes. Plus, it's my last semester of Spanish ever.
However, I didn't do so well last semester. My grades were definitely not what I expected nor did they reflect my best effort. In other words, I'm a bit discouraged. Also, four of my friends are studying abroad this semester and I'm kinda feeling the "I miss them" blues.
I can remember back in high school and all the years before that. I used to be so eager to learn and write and go above and beyond. Somewhere I lost that. I'm not excited to go to class [or motivated] and I haven't written or even read anything on my own as often as I used to. It's a little disheartening.
But with a scholarship to keep up with and money stresses, the pressure just takes away from the eagerness. I really miss being excited about something. And I miss having money to go out to eat and shop with my friends.
It's been a stressful last few months and I'm trying to stay positive about all of it but the question haunting me about this semester is: Is it going to get better or worse?
I want to be confident in things getting better but with the way things have been it's so easy to lose that confidence. My footing is very unstable where I am right now. A not-so-great gpa and a not-so-full bank account with expenses knocking at my door. Michael has yet to find a stable job since the Applebees problem and all of this rolled into one clump can really weigh on a person. I cna either let it take me down or fight it and keep my head up. It's obvious which is the better choice.
So, lets hope this semester is a turn around from the last.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Positivity: My Secret Weapon for the New Year =]
"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
Hello to 2011!!!
I must say, I feel like this is going to be a great year. So many people are talking about bettering themselves and it's great to see. But one point a few people have been making is the new year isn't what gives you a fresh start. If you want to change, you should just do it. We shouldn't use the new year as an excuse. If you really want to change, then just do it.
I'm not much into 'changing' but 'improving'. There are so many things I want to do and a certian direction I would like to push myself in. I slowly began that path in 2010 but now I really want to take incentive and really push myself. I have resolutions sure, but they are goals I have always had. Now I want to push myself in the direction I've been leaning towards.
I am the only one who can take control. So I am the only one who can steer my life the way I want. I'm very lucky to have some amazing people in my life who give great pep talks and just keep me strong. I really do have some kick ass friends and family [you know who you are].
I am filled with so much positivity it's crazy. Granted, I'm typically a positive person but I have fallen off the wagon more than I like to admit. But I can honestly say that with my amazing friends, family, and boyfriend, I have a GREAT support system in my life.
I'm excited to embark on the journey of 2011 and see where I end up this time next year. Normally I'm scared of change but 2010 really taught me to embrace it and just let life take it's natural course. Change the things I can, accept the things I can't.
My motto for the year is to LIVE, LAUGH, & LOVE. And with such great people in my life, that wil definitely not be a problem. =]
Hello to 2011!!!
I must say, I feel like this is going to be a great year. So many people are talking about bettering themselves and it's great to see. But one point a few people have been making is the new year isn't what gives you a fresh start. If you want to change, you should just do it. We shouldn't use the new year as an excuse. If you really want to change, then just do it.
I'm not much into 'changing' but 'improving'. There are so many things I want to do and a certian direction I would like to push myself in. I slowly began that path in 2010 but now I really want to take incentive and really push myself. I have resolutions sure, but they are goals I have always had. Now I want to push myself in the direction I've been leaning towards.
I am the only one who can take control. So I am the only one who can steer my life the way I want. I'm very lucky to have some amazing people in my life who give great pep talks and just keep me strong. I really do have some kick ass friends and family [you know who you are].
I am filled with so much positivity it's crazy. Granted, I'm typically a positive person but I have fallen off the wagon more than I like to admit. But I can honestly say that with my amazing friends, family, and boyfriend, I have a GREAT support system in my life.
I'm excited to embark on the journey of 2011 and see where I end up this time next year. Normally I'm scared of change but 2010 really taught me to embrace it and just let life take it's natural course. Change the things I can, accept the things I can't.
My motto for the year is to LIVE, LAUGH, & LOVE. And with such great people in my life, that wil definitely not be a problem. =]
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
'Tis the Season for Change
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~Maria Robinson
As the new year approaches I find myself paying more attention to my behaviors and reading entries from early this year. It amazes me how much has changed around me yet I'm still the same. Or at least I think I am.
In fact, I start to realize so many things I just dislike about myself. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but there's just so many aspects in my life that I feel I can improve on. There are a lot of times I feel out of control (Yet, being a control freak is not a good thing so maybe I should let this go) and other times when I feel like my heart is in something but my head isn't meeting it half way. Then I get to thinking more and I see how much I take for granted sometimes.
Maybe everyone feels this way around this time of year because having a "new" year pproaching makes you think of all the things you can change. Like, I complain A LOT. I don't mean to do it, I just do. And I definitely take what I have for granted because I'm never happy with what I have. I always want something else. A lot of my friends can testify to this because it annoys the hell out of them.
I see what I want for myself and my future but I don't feel as if I'm on the right path there. And that needs to change. I'm proud of myself and my life... sometimes. That "sometimes" needs to become an "all the time." I need to start living life for me and appreciating the things I have instead of complaining. This day last year my mind was in a total different place. A week from this day I was a mess and saw some of the darkest days I've seen in my life. I'm not sure if I believe in God or anything for tha matter. That's an internal struggle I've always had with myself, but something decided the path I was on last year wasn't right and it turned my life upside down. I still feel a little turned around once in awhile and I feel as if this is my year to put things back into place.
When I look at the big picture I see that in 2 and a half years I will be out of school and the real world will be right there staring me in the face. How am I going to face up?
It's these years before then that are going to determine that and I don't want to waste them.
I want to improve my relationships with the people that mean the world to me and improve the relationship I have with myself. I want to make 2011 COUNT for something. And those are my intentions.
No more hoping or saying, I want to actually DO something. I've been lazy and let my life fall back into a new pattern, now it's time to LIVE that pattern. You have to greet change with more change and that's my motto of 2011.
As the new year approaches I find myself paying more attention to my behaviors and reading entries from early this year. It amazes me how much has changed around me yet I'm still the same. Or at least I think I am.
In fact, I start to realize so many things I just dislike about myself. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but there's just so many aspects in my life that I feel I can improve on. There are a lot of times I feel out of control (Yet, being a control freak is not a good thing so maybe I should let this go) and other times when I feel like my heart is in something but my head isn't meeting it half way. Then I get to thinking more and I see how much I take for granted sometimes.
Maybe everyone feels this way around this time of year because having a "new" year pproaching makes you think of all the things you can change. Like, I complain A LOT. I don't mean to do it, I just do. And I definitely take what I have for granted because I'm never happy with what I have. I always want something else. A lot of my friends can testify to this because it annoys the hell out of them.
I see what I want for myself and my future but I don't feel as if I'm on the right path there. And that needs to change. I'm proud of myself and my life... sometimes. That "sometimes" needs to become an "all the time." I need to start living life for me and appreciating the things I have instead of complaining. This day last year my mind was in a total different place. A week from this day I was a mess and saw some of the darkest days I've seen in my life. I'm not sure if I believe in God or anything for tha matter. That's an internal struggle I've always had with myself, but something decided the path I was on last year wasn't right and it turned my life upside down. I still feel a little turned around once in awhile and I feel as if this is my year to put things back into place.
When I look at the big picture I see that in 2 and a half years I will be out of school and the real world will be right there staring me in the face. How am I going to face up?
It's these years before then that are going to determine that and I don't want to waste them.
I want to improve my relationships with the people that mean the world to me and improve the relationship I have with myself. I want to make 2011 COUNT for something. And those are my intentions.
No more hoping or saying, I want to actually DO something. I've been lazy and let my life fall back into a new pattern, now it's time to LIVE that pattern. You have to greet change with more change and that's my motto of 2011.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
My Next Chapter
"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words onto them ourselves. The book is called "Opportunity" and the first chapter is New Years' Day."~Edith Lovejoy Pierce
With the year 2011 fast approaching, we begin to start hearing things like, "this year is a new beginning" or "this will be my year to start over" But how about just simply using New Years' day not as a place to start from scratch but as a place where you put all that you learned from the previous year to better use beginning that day?
Life grants us new years, not new lives. As 2010 comes to an end, I ponder what it meant to me.
To me, it was my transitioning year. A year of moving on and finding where it was safe to put my feet again; a year of new people that I grew close to and old people that became more important to me.
I could make a list of resolutions but why bother? My resolutions are the same goals I've always had for myself... "to be happy."
This time last year I was a completely different person, which isn't surprising but it's weird to look at where you were just last December compared to where you are now. Was this a successful year for me?
Well, I didn't get in shape and fit into the size pants I want but I conquered a lot more.
I started working out, I went from army girlfriend to Michael's girlfriend, I got my own apartment, I got good grades, I made new friends and got closer to old ones.
To me, that's a successful year.
In reference to the quote I used, I love it but it doesn't fit perfectly... New Years' Day won't be my first chapter in my book of opportunity. It will be my next chapter.
Hope you guys like the new look of the blog!
I won't have internet over break so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)
With the year 2011 fast approaching, we begin to start hearing things like, "this year is a new beginning" or "this will be my year to start over" But how about just simply using New Years' day not as a place to start from scratch but as a place where you put all that you learned from the previous year to better use beginning that day?
Life grants us new years, not new lives. As 2010 comes to an end, I ponder what it meant to me.
To me, it was my transitioning year. A year of moving on and finding where it was safe to put my feet again; a year of new people that I grew close to and old people that became more important to me.
I could make a list of resolutions but why bother? My resolutions are the same goals I've always had for myself... "to be happy."
This time last year I was a completely different person, which isn't surprising but it's weird to look at where you were just last December compared to where you are now. Was this a successful year for me?
Well, I didn't get in shape and fit into the size pants I want but I conquered a lot more.
I started working out, I went from army girlfriend to Michael's girlfriend, I got my own apartment, I got good grades, I made new friends and got closer to old ones.
To me, that's a successful year.
In reference to the quote I used, I love it but it doesn't fit perfectly... New Years' Day won't be my first chapter in my book of opportunity. It will be my next chapter.
Hope you guys like the new look of the blog!
I won't have internet over break so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)
Monday, November 22, 2010
An Overdue Update
"Stress is the spice of life."~Hans Selye
I know I haven't written in a LONG time which is crazy because usually I try to write as often as I can. Life has been pretty busy... and defintely not without stress.
Michael moved into the apartment almost a month ago. We love it. It still is suffering from a lack of furniture but we don't mind. The fact that we have our own apartment is exciting enough. (But hopefully we'll be able to get furniture soon).
School has been a pain. Although I'm making better grades than I thought, it's still a struggle. Spanish is really difficult. I suck at it. We are required to speak so much and I suck talking in English in front of people. Doing it in Spanish is a disaster. I'm really nervous about the final.
Also, money is becoming a bigger and bigger issue. Michael was supposed to transfer right in to a company but they screwed him over and after a month he still has no job. Which means all the expenses are coming out of my pocket for now. And as a college student who just does work study and writes for a low paying publications office, it's not getting us very far. We keep waiting it out and he's had to apply all over the city to find a job which at this time of year people are only hiring seasonly. My funds can only go so far and I'm trying to save up for my trip to Europe in May to study abroad. I feel like pulling my hair out. Between money and classes and Michael not working like he should have been, times are rough.
It's amazing I can find anyway to smile and not have a panic attack. I just try to keep in mind that without stress and obstacles life would be boring. And even though I have a long way to getting things more secure, I still have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I have an amazing boyfriend that I see everyday, great friends, great family, I'm in college working towards a good future, etc. One day all of this stress and aggravation will pay off. One day...
I know I haven't written in a LONG time which is crazy because usually I try to write as often as I can. Life has been pretty busy... and defintely not without stress.
Michael moved into the apartment almost a month ago. We love it. It still is suffering from a lack of furniture but we don't mind. The fact that we have our own apartment is exciting enough. (But hopefully we'll be able to get furniture soon).
School has been a pain. Although I'm making better grades than I thought, it's still a struggle. Spanish is really difficult. I suck at it. We are required to speak so much and I suck talking in English in front of people. Doing it in Spanish is a disaster. I'm really nervous about the final.
Also, money is becoming a bigger and bigger issue. Michael was supposed to transfer right in to a company but they screwed him over and after a month he still has no job. Which means all the expenses are coming out of my pocket for now. And as a college student who just does work study and writes for a low paying publications office, it's not getting us very far. We keep waiting it out and he's had to apply all over the city to find a job which at this time of year people are only hiring seasonly. My funds can only go so far and I'm trying to save up for my trip to Europe in May to study abroad. I feel like pulling my hair out. Between money and classes and Michael not working like he should have been, times are rough.
It's amazing I can find anyway to smile and not have a panic attack. I just try to keep in mind that without stress and obstacles life would be boring. And even though I have a long way to getting things more secure, I still have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I have an amazing boyfriend that I see everyday, great friends, great family, I'm in college working towards a good future, etc. One day all of this stress and aggravation will pay off. One day...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Decisions, Decisions
"Education is not a preparation for life; education is life itself." ~John Dewey
So, over the past month I've been considering taking on a double major and adding Psychology. I've always been interested in how the human mind works and what causes people to behave the way they do. More so, I'm interested in children. I was at a tie between education or psychology. I have no problem with teachers, I just can't see myself being one. Plus, if I decide later on in life to be a teacher, it isn't as hard to come back and get certified as if it would be to come back for Psychology.
Today, I finally went to talk to my advisor and he said getting a major in Psychology is completelty achievable along with my Writing degree and my History minor. This excited me. Plus, if I work towards a Psych major but can't complete it in my last 3 and half years (which shouldn't be a problem) I can always be a minor instead.
I feel as if my future is more secure with this. I can be a social worker or child care specialist and still write on the side and publish novels. Or, if I want to focus on Writing as my main career, I always have Psych as a back up. This makes the real world seem less frightening in a sense. lol.
Another thing my advisor and I discussed is this whole study abroad thing. I don't think I can afford a whole semester and I don't really want to leave the states for that long. So' I'm opting towards the summer program. Turns out, there is a Writing summer program this summer that will allow my writing to be workshopped by authors who visit London. Many of these are best selling writers! How awesome would that be? Plus it's only five weeks and I still get to travel plus go to the Paris trip at the end of the program. And the overall benefit is that it's a lot cheaper than going a semester plus I won't be away from everyone for so long, especially Michael.
So this is where my head has been lately. It's an exciting place in this mind of mine but I'm slowly starting to figure it all out, thankfully. So I guess the big news here is I'm going to be a Psych major now and I might be going to London this summer!
So, over the past month I've been considering taking on a double major and adding Psychology. I've always been interested in how the human mind works and what causes people to behave the way they do. More so, I'm interested in children. I was at a tie between education or psychology. I have no problem with teachers, I just can't see myself being one. Plus, if I decide later on in life to be a teacher, it isn't as hard to come back and get certified as if it would be to come back for Psychology.
Today, I finally went to talk to my advisor and he said getting a major in Psychology is completelty achievable along with my Writing degree and my History minor. This excited me. Plus, if I work towards a Psych major but can't complete it in my last 3 and half years (which shouldn't be a problem) I can always be a minor instead.
I feel as if my future is more secure with this. I can be a social worker or child care specialist and still write on the side and publish novels. Or, if I want to focus on Writing as my main career, I always have Psych as a back up. This makes the real world seem less frightening in a sense. lol.
Another thing my advisor and I discussed is this whole study abroad thing. I don't think I can afford a whole semester and I don't really want to leave the states for that long. So' I'm opting towards the summer program. Turns out, there is a Writing summer program this summer that will allow my writing to be workshopped by authors who visit London. Many of these are best selling writers! How awesome would that be? Plus it's only five weeks and I still get to travel plus go to the Paris trip at the end of the program. And the overall benefit is that it's a lot cheaper than going a semester plus I won't be away from everyone for so long, especially Michael.
So this is where my head has been lately. It's an exciting place in this mind of mine but I'm slowly starting to figure it all out, thankfully. So I guess the big news here is I'm going to be a Psych major now and I might be going to London this summer!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Money Makes the World Go 'Round
"Money often costs too much."~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love this quote for the simple fact that it's so true. Money does cost too much: too much time, too much effort, too much stress, too much BLAH.
I can't stand it.
All of my life I watched my parents struggle with money. My dad was always getting laid off and my mom was just a waitress. Christmas and birthdays weren't extravagent. We lived in a two bedroom apartment in a not so great suburb of Saint Louis. But we made use with what we had. My brother and I never complained because we didn't know anything else. We were taught to be grateful for what we had and I am very grateful. I had a home and food to eat. I have a great family, good friends, and I'm in love and loved by my best friend. I count all these blessings.
But with the expenses of the apartment coming up it makes you think how hard you have it compared to others. My parents couldn't buy me a car for graduation. I can't even buy me a car. I can't wear the brands I want or decorate the apartment exactly how I would like. I'm going to be in debt for most of my life because nowadays you need an education to be anything.
It makes you bitter when you watch people around you buying houses and cars and having children and affording weddings. I barely afford my phone bill. but that's life.
I can sit here and say I wish I had it easier but I don't and that's how it is. Some people get lucky. I'm one of those people who was born to work and struggle for everything I have. And that's what I've done. Has it been easy? No. Do I get bitter because of it? Yes. But that's how it is and I can only change it myself and be the hard worker I am.
This ties into my weight issue. I just gotta do it instead of feeling bitter. That's how it is.
On a separate note, I'm considering taking a double major in Psychology. I've always loved it. I want to specialize in Developmental Psychology so it will let me work with kids which I love. This gives me a guarenteed outlet for a job. This career field is more secure than writing. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and we'll see what happens. I'm actually fairly excited about it.
I guess the main thought behind this blog is I just want to make the most of my life. I want to do well and give my children more than I had. I want to repay my mom for everything. I want to afford good presents for the people I love. I want to be able to make the life I want and the one I'm most happiest with. I want my husband to come home everyday to a home he can be proud of. A home I can be proud of . That's all I want in life: to look back on what I have and say "I earned this. I worked my rear end off for this and isn't it amazing?"
I love this quote for the simple fact that it's so true. Money does cost too much: too much time, too much effort, too much stress, too much BLAH.
I can't stand it.
All of my life I watched my parents struggle with money. My dad was always getting laid off and my mom was just a waitress. Christmas and birthdays weren't extravagent. We lived in a two bedroom apartment in a not so great suburb of Saint Louis. But we made use with what we had. My brother and I never complained because we didn't know anything else. We were taught to be grateful for what we had and I am very grateful. I had a home and food to eat. I have a great family, good friends, and I'm in love and loved by my best friend. I count all these blessings.
But with the expenses of the apartment coming up it makes you think how hard you have it compared to others. My parents couldn't buy me a car for graduation. I can't even buy me a car. I can't wear the brands I want or decorate the apartment exactly how I would like. I'm going to be in debt for most of my life because nowadays you need an education to be anything.
It makes you bitter when you watch people around you buying houses and cars and having children and affording weddings. I barely afford my phone bill. but that's life.
I can sit here and say I wish I had it easier but I don't and that's how it is. Some people get lucky. I'm one of those people who was born to work and struggle for everything I have. And that's what I've done. Has it been easy? No. Do I get bitter because of it? Yes. But that's how it is and I can only change it myself and be the hard worker I am.
This ties into my weight issue. I just gotta do it instead of feeling bitter. That's how it is.
On a separate note, I'm considering taking a double major in Psychology. I've always loved it. I want to specialize in Developmental Psychology so it will let me work with kids which I love. This gives me a guarenteed outlet for a job. This career field is more secure than writing. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and we'll see what happens. I'm actually fairly excited about it.
I guess the main thought behind this blog is I just want to make the most of my life. I want to do well and give my children more than I had. I want to repay my mom for everything. I want to afford good presents for the people I love. I want to be able to make the life I want and the one I'm most happiest with. I want my husband to come home everyday to a home he can be proud of. A home I can be proud of . That's all I want in life: to look back on what I have and say "I earned this. I worked my rear end off for this and isn't it amazing?"
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A Long Wait, A Great Reward
"All good things arrive unto them that wait-and don't die in the meantime." ~Mark Twain
It finally happened. After two fails and thinking it was never going to work, Michael got approved for an apartment and is moving here early November.
I. Am. In. Complete. Awe.
I just can't believe that FINALLY I'll have my boyfriend here everday for lunch dates, dinner dates, date dates, and everything else. No more stupid Greyhound. No more going through crappy days with just his voice through a phone. No more being sad around other couples.It's all over in a month. Just one month. I am beyond estatic.
I can't wait until moving day. It will be amazing to have him here all the time.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"Stress" is Not in my Vocabulary
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandhi
So, just as a little update, my life has gotten a little hectic. I say hectic because I don't want to say "stressful." I hate that word. I would like to rid my vocabulary of the word "stress." And with everything going on, stressed is not something I want to describe myself as, more like "involved", "preoccupied", or just plain old "busy."
Just htis week alone I had a story and four exams. Can we say the buzz of our upcoming Fall Break is in the air? Plus, besides the immediate demands of school, I have other concerns.
Money is a main one. Yes, I know. I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be broke. I, on the otherhand, don't believe in that stereotype. I like to save and find bargains and all that great stuff. But lately, EVERYHTHING has wanted money out of me! I mean, jeez. Phone bill, neccessecities, going out, trying to save for studying in Europe, and not to mention a car. Where is all this money supposed to come from? I'm a full-time student with a work study job and a writing job. That is not enough to pull anything out of for savings.
Not to mention, Michael has an appointment this weekend to get the apartment, if he needs help with paying for anything in between transfering from St. Louis to here, I can't cover anything. I can barely cover for myself.
With all this said, I refuse to let myself get overwhelmed because I know it will all work out. College may be sucking the green out of me now, but this is an investment that will lead to a higher paying job than I would have had. I'm a smart girl who got myself here, and just like every young person I'll go through a broke period and then get it all right. I'm not going to speed up my life because it gets a little hectic.
I can be perfectly calm, cool, and relaxed and just figure things out as they come. On that note, I have to say this... "YAY, MICHAEL IS FINALLY GETTING A PLACE HERE!!!!!!!"
So, just as a little update, my life has gotten a little hectic. I say hectic because I don't want to say "stressful." I hate that word. I would like to rid my vocabulary of the word "stress." And with everything going on, stressed is not something I want to describe myself as, more like "involved", "preoccupied", or just plain old "busy."
Just htis week alone I had a story and four exams. Can we say the buzz of our upcoming Fall Break is in the air? Plus, besides the immediate demands of school, I have other concerns.
Money is a main one. Yes, I know. I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be broke. I, on the otherhand, don't believe in that stereotype. I like to save and find bargains and all that great stuff. But lately, EVERYHTHING has wanted money out of me! I mean, jeez. Phone bill, neccessecities, going out, trying to save for studying in Europe, and not to mention a car. Where is all this money supposed to come from? I'm a full-time student with a work study job and a writing job. That is not enough to pull anything out of for savings.
Not to mention, Michael has an appointment this weekend to get the apartment, if he needs help with paying for anything in between transfering from St. Louis to here, I can't cover anything. I can barely cover for myself.
With all this said, I refuse to let myself get overwhelmed because I know it will all work out. College may be sucking the green out of me now, but this is an investment that will lead to a higher paying job than I would have had. I'm a smart girl who got myself here, and just like every young person I'll go through a broke period and then get it all right. I'm not going to speed up my life because it gets a little hectic.
I can be perfectly calm, cool, and relaxed and just figure things out as they come. On that note, I have to say this... "YAY, MICHAEL IS FINALLY GETTING A PLACE HERE!!!!!!!"
Saturday, September 11, 2010
To Go or Not To Go?
"We wander for distraction, but we travel for fullfillment." ~Hilaire Belloc
I have an issue that has been on my mind off and on for months, yet it's my prominent thought for the last few hours. So, here I sit on a porch swing behind my dorm, surrounded by the peacefulness of crickets and air. Maybe being out here and writing it all out will clear my mind?
Last year, I made the decision with myself to take the opportunity my University offers and study abroad in London which also provides school trips to other places. My financial aid carries over so all I have to pay for is travel expenses. I decided this, however, when I was single and I had no idea I would fall in love with my boyfriend, Michael.
Going to Harlaxton would mean five months in another country away form all of my family and most of my friends, and Michael. I miss Michael after not seeing him for a week, how would I get through five months?
He's making plans to move to Evansville in October to end the distance. And then next spring, I'm going to run off to Europe? How is that fair to have him drop everything and move away from everyone [friends and family] to start a life here with me that has no distance just for me to run off for five months and leve him here in a place he doesn't know anyone? I mean, does that seem unfair to anyone else because it does to me? I even feel a bit selfish.
He doesn't feel this way though. It's all my own feelings. He's pushing me to go and telling me he's not going to let me back out. But what if I want to?
There's another option of doing a five week summer program there but I don't think financial aid covers it plus it will cut down on the number of places I can travel.
I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to see all these amazing places like London, Irealnd, Italy, Wales, Scotland, etc. But is all that really worth putting that weight on my relationship and being unfair to Michael? Is it worth the chance of losing one of the best people in my life?
Maybe I'm being a little paranoid. Not sure. It's just been on my mind.
I have an issue that has been on my mind off and on for months, yet it's my prominent thought for the last few hours. So, here I sit on a porch swing behind my dorm, surrounded by the peacefulness of crickets and air. Maybe being out here and writing it all out will clear my mind?
Last year, I made the decision with myself to take the opportunity my University offers and study abroad in London which also provides school trips to other places. My financial aid carries over so all I have to pay for is travel expenses. I decided this, however, when I was single and I had no idea I would fall in love with my boyfriend, Michael.
Going to Harlaxton would mean five months in another country away form all of my family and most of my friends, and Michael. I miss Michael after not seeing him for a week, how would I get through five months?
He's making plans to move to Evansville in October to end the distance. And then next spring, I'm going to run off to Europe? How is that fair to have him drop everything and move away from everyone [friends and family] to start a life here with me that has no distance just for me to run off for five months and leve him here in a place he doesn't know anyone? I mean, does that seem unfair to anyone else because it does to me? I even feel a bit selfish.
He doesn't feel this way though. It's all my own feelings. He's pushing me to go and telling me he's not going to let me back out. But what if I want to?
There's another option of doing a five week summer program there but I don't think financial aid covers it plus it will cut down on the number of places I can travel.
I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to see all these amazing places like London, Irealnd, Italy, Wales, Scotland, etc. But is all that really worth putting that weight on my relationship and being unfair to Michael? Is it worth the chance of losing one of the best people in my life?
Maybe I'm being a little paranoid. Not sure. It's just been on my mind.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Bringing Out the Luck in Me
"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I write about a lot of things: my friends, my family, school, troubles I'm going through, my daily life...etc. But one thing that stands as an undertone beneath all of this is Michael and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, there's so much I can say about him.
I never realized it but since we have started dating, Michael has been there for every little thing. Every little screw up or bad day, every little tear or smile. He was there. He's pushed me to my limit with everything in my life and to be honest I've been a happier person since I've let him become close to me.
It's hard to love someone, especially after getting hurt. That was the case for me. And here I am, happier than ever because I FINALLY opened up. I've had a lot of dark times this past year and when I think back over all of it, Michael is the brightest part. He never judged or criticized. He was just there.
They say the best person to marry is your best friend, and before this relationship, Michael was my best friend. Now he is still my best friend and also the love of my life. It took awhile to get to this point. It took me awhile to finally shut everyone out and think for myself.
But over the past weekend, I just had that moment where I looked at him and I just knew this is it. If I could pick one person to stand beside me, it would be him and all his little imperfections that everyone else seems to find. But to me, they're a part of him and they're what make him perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a thing.
Our situation isn't ideal. When is a long distance relationship ever ideal? But it's something I wouldn't want to go through with anyone but him. And the day he arrives with all his stuff to move into his own place down the street is the day I'll finally feel complete.
I've been thinking back to the person I was a year ago and she was a ;ot different than the woman I am now. I was girl then. Now, I feel like a woman. Michael lets me be smart, he lets me say what is on my mind, he never criticizes me even when he disagrees. He has truly opened the door for me to be who I am which I haven't been given that opportunity in my life before. But with him, it's easy.
So, sure, as Elizabeth Barrett Browning says, I love him for who he is and who he has become, but I love him more for the person I have become with him and I love him more for the person I'm going to continue to grow into. He brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. Together, we are more proud of ourselves than we were apart and that's when you know that love is true.
That's more than enough for me and if that's the card I got dealt, then I see myself as pretty damn lucky.
I write about a lot of things: my friends, my family, school, troubles I'm going through, my daily life...etc. But one thing that stands as an undertone beneath all of this is Michael and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, there's so much I can say about him.
I never realized it but since we have started dating, Michael has been there for every little thing. Every little screw up or bad day, every little tear or smile. He was there. He's pushed me to my limit with everything in my life and to be honest I've been a happier person since I've let him become close to me.
It's hard to love someone, especially after getting hurt. That was the case for me. And here I am, happier than ever because I FINALLY opened up. I've had a lot of dark times this past year and when I think back over all of it, Michael is the brightest part. He never judged or criticized. He was just there.
They say the best person to marry is your best friend, and before this relationship, Michael was my best friend. Now he is still my best friend and also the love of my life. It took awhile to get to this point. It took me awhile to finally shut everyone out and think for myself.
But over the past weekend, I just had that moment where I looked at him and I just knew this is it. If I could pick one person to stand beside me, it would be him and all his little imperfections that everyone else seems to find. But to me, they're a part of him and they're what make him perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a thing.
Our situation isn't ideal. When is a long distance relationship ever ideal? But it's something I wouldn't want to go through with anyone but him. And the day he arrives with all his stuff to move into his own place down the street is the day I'll finally feel complete.
I've been thinking back to the person I was a year ago and she was a ;ot different than the woman I am now. I was girl then. Now, I feel like a woman. Michael lets me be smart, he lets me say what is on my mind, he never criticizes me even when he disagrees. He has truly opened the door for me to be who I am which I haven't been given that opportunity in my life before. But with him, it's easy.
So, sure, as Elizabeth Barrett Browning says, I love him for who he is and who he has become, but I love him more for the person I have become with him and I love him more for the person I'm going to continue to grow into. He brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. Together, we are more proud of ourselves than we were apart and that's when you know that love is true.
That's more than enough for me and if that's the card I got dealt, then I see myself as pretty damn lucky.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Who Knew Pooh Bear was as Impatient as I?
"How long does getting thin take?" ~Winnie the Pooh
My thoughts exactly.
Can I just tell you a little secret? BEING ON A DIET SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh, that's better. Oh, wait...you already knew that? Well, darn.
Actually, I'm not on a diet. I'm on this thing called "don't you dare eat that cookie or you will die!!!" or "eating so many vegetables you look green."
Maybe I'm overexaggerating. Point is, I've been trying to change my eating habits because there is this certain bikini I want to look amazing in next summer (along with other reasons) and I can't do it unless I put myself through this miserable thing called a diet.
I hate that word. I'm not on a plan made up by some bogus doctor or fame hungry celebrity. I'm on the old fashioned plan of no junk, more fruits, more veggies, and regular exercise. Shouldn't be so hard right?
Well it is when you're on a college campus that consists of junk food central and people eating junk food all around you. It makes abstaining from junk food a weeeee bit hard. And tonight was just one of those nights so I decided a blog of venting of my diet frustrations was a good distraction.
Moral of the story: Diets suck. I really want some ice cream but can't have it. The end.
(side note: I wonder if Pooh bear ever found an answer to his question because I would sure like to know.)
My thoughts exactly.
Can I just tell you a little secret? BEING ON A DIET SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh, that's better. Oh, wait...you already knew that? Well, darn.
Actually, I'm not on a diet. I'm on this thing called "don't you dare eat that cookie or you will die!!!" or "eating so many vegetables you look green."
Maybe I'm overexaggerating. Point is, I've been trying to change my eating habits because there is this certain bikini I want to look amazing in next summer (along with other reasons) and I can't do it unless I put myself through this miserable thing called a diet.
I hate that word. I'm not on a plan made up by some bogus doctor or fame hungry celebrity. I'm on the old fashioned plan of no junk, more fruits, more veggies, and regular exercise. Shouldn't be so hard right?
Well it is when you're on a college campus that consists of junk food central and people eating junk food all around you. It makes abstaining from junk food a weeeee bit hard. And tonight was just one of those nights so I decided a blog of venting of my diet frustrations was a good distraction.
Moral of the story: Diets suck. I really want some ice cream but can't have it. The end.
(side note: I wonder if Pooh bear ever found an answer to his question because I would sure like to know.)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Many Meanings, One Word: Distance
"Insert here."
As you may have noticed, there is no quote for this entry for a very good reason. The topic is distance.
I searched every credible quote website I know of to find a quote for this and none of them fit because distance is something that everyone views or experiences differently. An army wife is going to experience a different sort of distance than a parent whose child has left for college. But in the end, it's still distance.
As much as I may not like it, distance plays a very big role in my life and to be honest, I can be quite resentful against it. But overall, who isn't? Distance is never a word anyone wants to hear. It means being away from someone or a whole group of someones for a period of time; It means not seeing someone on an every day, every week, and sometimes every month basis; It means expensive plane tickets and road trips that can not always be afforded; It means loneliness and ache for that person; It means worry when you can't always hear from that person; Distance is....well it's distance and it's something everyone experiences at least once n their life.
As a college student, I'm distant from all of my family, some friends, and my boyfriend. Phone calls, texts, mail, Internet, webcam, and occasional visits are what keep us in touch. Somedays it's hell. The miss becomes a lot when you're going through a hard time or some everyday thing reminds me of a certain someone. It can be hard.
But, what gets me through it is that one feeling you get when you first see that person again. I LOVE that feeling and as much as I hate distance, that feeling makes it seem minuscule the whole time I'm in the prescence of a friend, or family member, or my boyfriend. The longer the wait, the greater the feeling.
When I was an army girlfriend and hadn't seen my ex for months at a time, those two week intervals were what made my world turn. It's such a great feeling especially after you spend months worrying and aching. I have a lot of military associated friends and family who can relate to this.
Distance is hard. In relationships and friendships, sometimes it can result in the end of it. In families, it can mean a complete loss of touch. Distance causes pain and anger. It can cause depression and sadness. It's hardest when the one thing in the world you want is to see someone but you know you can't. This is distance from ALL points of view.
But, the point of this entry wasn't to make everyone depressed about distance. It's to make you all remember that feeling you get when you see that person again. It makes you realize that as much as being away from someone you love sucks, it brings you closer in a way. Love grows through it and explodes at that one point you see them again.
That's distance.
As you may have noticed, there is no quote for this entry for a very good reason. The topic is distance.
I searched every credible quote website I know of to find a quote for this and none of them fit because distance is something that everyone views or experiences differently. An army wife is going to experience a different sort of distance than a parent whose child has left for college. But in the end, it's still distance.
As much as I may not like it, distance plays a very big role in my life and to be honest, I can be quite resentful against it. But overall, who isn't? Distance is never a word anyone wants to hear. It means being away from someone or a whole group of someones for a period of time; It means not seeing someone on an every day, every week, and sometimes every month basis; It means expensive plane tickets and road trips that can not always be afforded; It means loneliness and ache for that person; It means worry when you can't always hear from that person; Distance is....well it's distance and it's something everyone experiences at least once n their life.
As a college student, I'm distant from all of my family, some friends, and my boyfriend. Phone calls, texts, mail, Internet, webcam, and occasional visits are what keep us in touch. Somedays it's hell. The miss becomes a lot when you're going through a hard time or some everyday thing reminds me of a certain someone. It can be hard.
But, what gets me through it is that one feeling you get when you first see that person again. I LOVE that feeling and as much as I hate distance, that feeling makes it seem minuscule the whole time I'm in the prescence of a friend, or family member, or my boyfriend. The longer the wait, the greater the feeling.
When I was an army girlfriend and hadn't seen my ex for months at a time, those two week intervals were what made my world turn. It's such a great feeling especially after you spend months worrying and aching. I have a lot of military associated friends and family who can relate to this.
Distance is hard. In relationships and friendships, sometimes it can result in the end of it. In families, it can mean a complete loss of touch. Distance causes pain and anger. It can cause depression and sadness. It's hardest when the one thing in the world you want is to see someone but you know you can't. This is distance from ALL points of view.
But, the point of this entry wasn't to make everyone depressed about distance. It's to make you all remember that feeling you get when you see that person again. It makes you realize that as much as being away from someone you love sucks, it brings you closer in a way. Love grows through it and explodes at that one point you see them again.
That's distance.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
From 19 to 20, From Melissa to Lissa, A Summer of Growing Up
"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." ~May Lamberton Becker
In two days, my summer is over and my sophomore year of college begins. It's weird. A year ago, I was scared being a freshman in college would never happen now, I'm a sophomore and life as an adult is seeming to kick in real fast. I figured I needed to write this blog now because within these next two days I'm going to be too preoccupied with packing and saying temporary goodbyes.
It's weird how much you can learn in a summer. I know I did. It's weird to take in the last three and a half months and see where I am now. I can truly say that I took away a lot from this summer. I lost and I gained and I lived. And really, that's the best way I could have spent my summer. The lessons I've learned and the experiences I've had will all go back with me to Evansville. My time is Foley, MO was definitely well spent.
Four months ago, my neice most likely didn't know who I was. My sister knew I was her sister of course but she didn't know ME, nor did I really know HER. That was something I always hated. It was always a fear that my neice was going to grow up, not knowing who I was. I was never meant to be the distant aunt. I was never meant to be a distant anything. I like giving everyone in my family a part in my life and I like to be a part of theirs. Before this summer, I was distant, now I'm a part.
Kelli and Bob let me live with them for the summer because I needed a place to go. A place to call home for a summer. I'll admit, at the beginning of the summer, I felt so out of place and like a burden on them. Then my mom and brother left and I was lost. It wasn't easy at first, but you never learn from easy things. I came with the intention of getting my driver's license. That didn't happen which was a little discouraging at first, but I've got plan for when I go back to get it.
I'm not leaving with a driver's license, but I'm leaving with something better:
A sister who's favorite color is pink; who dances no matter how crazy she looks; who bleeds red (Cardinals!); who can crack me up and keep me laughing for hours; who is always there for late night chats; who loves her family more than anything; who is more like me than I ever would have thought.
A neice who is the most perfect little girl I have ever met; who is smarter than any 3 year old; loves Dora the Explorer; can never be parted from her red "manket"; loves kisses and hugs; can swing for hours; dances to party in the usa like it was written just for her; loves to be read a book every night; thinks sticking her butt in the sprinkler is the funniest thing in the world; has definitely stolen my heart this summer.
A brother in law who loves his fishing; thinks shotgunning a beer makes him a badass (lol); provides for his family the best he can; can never miss The Deadliest Catch and if he's watching it, you better shut up; believes in great first impressions; who is definitely the big brother I always thought I would have.
A nephew who is completely hilarious; who has such a gentle heart even if he doesn't show it under his preteenagehood manly exterior; loves to play video games but loves it more when you play with him; is pretty darn smart; is going to grow up to be a pretty awesome guy and is the best nephew I could have.
In part from just learning about my family, I learned about myself as well. I learned that:
~being yourself is the best possible way to have more true friends.
~my friends in high school gave me some really good memories but they have moved on and so have I and that's how life intended. They'll always be there for that small chat and reminiscing though.
~the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.
~that no matter how many mistakes anyone in my family has made, they can still come back from it and show you they can be a changed person.
~little brothers never stay little brothers. They get buff and grow taller and become big little brothers. =P
~Family is family and they will always be there when you need them.
~life is short so live it right.
That's only a few things...I could write forever and ever and think of so much stuff I've learned this summer.
I'm going back to school 20 years old and a new perspective on life. I've become Aunt Lissa to beautiful little girl and Lis to a totally awesome sister I'm happy I got to know. That is the best thing that could have happened in a summer.
In two days, my summer is over and my sophomore year of college begins. It's weird. A year ago, I was scared being a freshman in college would never happen now, I'm a sophomore and life as an adult is seeming to kick in real fast. I figured I needed to write this blog now because within these next two days I'm going to be too preoccupied with packing and saying temporary goodbyes.
It's weird how much you can learn in a summer. I know I did. It's weird to take in the last three and a half months and see where I am now. I can truly say that I took away a lot from this summer. I lost and I gained and I lived. And really, that's the best way I could have spent my summer. The lessons I've learned and the experiences I've had will all go back with me to Evansville. My time is Foley, MO was definitely well spent.
Four months ago, my neice most likely didn't know who I was. My sister knew I was her sister of course but she didn't know ME, nor did I really know HER. That was something I always hated. It was always a fear that my neice was going to grow up, not knowing who I was. I was never meant to be the distant aunt. I was never meant to be a distant anything. I like giving everyone in my family a part in my life and I like to be a part of theirs. Before this summer, I was distant, now I'm a part.
Kelli and Bob let me live with them for the summer because I needed a place to go. A place to call home for a summer. I'll admit, at the beginning of the summer, I felt so out of place and like a burden on them. Then my mom and brother left and I was lost. It wasn't easy at first, but you never learn from easy things. I came with the intention of getting my driver's license. That didn't happen which was a little discouraging at first, but I've got plan for when I go back to get it.
I'm not leaving with a driver's license, but I'm leaving with something better:
A sister who's favorite color is pink; who dances no matter how crazy she looks; who bleeds red (Cardinals!); who can crack me up and keep me laughing for hours; who is always there for late night chats; who loves her family more than anything; who is more like me than I ever would have thought.
A neice who is the most perfect little girl I have ever met; who is smarter than any 3 year old; loves Dora the Explorer; can never be parted from her red "manket"; loves kisses and hugs; can swing for hours; dances to party in the usa like it was written just for her; loves to be read a book every night; thinks sticking her butt in the sprinkler is the funniest thing in the world; has definitely stolen my heart this summer.
A brother in law who loves his fishing; thinks shotgunning a beer makes him a badass (lol); provides for his family the best he can; can never miss The Deadliest Catch and if he's watching it, you better shut up; believes in great first impressions; who is definitely the big brother I always thought I would have.
A nephew who is completely hilarious; who has such a gentle heart even if he doesn't show it under his preteenagehood manly exterior; loves to play video games but loves it more when you play with him; is pretty darn smart; is going to grow up to be a pretty awesome guy and is the best nephew I could have.
In part from just learning about my family, I learned about myself as well. I learned that:
~being yourself is the best possible way to have more true friends.
~my friends in high school gave me some really good memories but they have moved on and so have I and that's how life intended. They'll always be there for that small chat and reminiscing though.
~the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.
~that no matter how many mistakes anyone in my family has made, they can still come back from it and show you they can be a changed person.
~little brothers never stay little brothers. They get buff and grow taller and become big little brothers. =P
~Family is family and they will always be there when you need them.
~life is short so live it right.
That's only a few things...I could write forever and ever and think of so much stuff I've learned this summer.
I'm going back to school 20 years old and a new perspective on life. I've become Aunt Lissa to beautiful little girl and Lis to a totally awesome sister I'm happy I got to know. That is the best thing that could have happened in a summer.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Wo"man" Up!
"You were only given this life because you were strong enough to live it." ~Unknown
I really wish I knew who said that quote because in my daily life, I'm always refering back to it. Because if you really think about it, it's true.
Here I am in this stupid funk because of one very minuscule thing: other people. When have I ever let other people start running my life? I used to be an independent, who cares what you say kind of girl. Now it seems like every little thing someone else says about me or does to me sends me into a funk that has me wrapped in it's fury. What do I think of that? BLAH.
I come from a family of strong women who struggled against alcoholic men for year after year after year. My grandma was in the military for awhile until she started having kids. Then after years of abuse she was strong enough to leave and take her four kids with her and move on. THAT blood is running through my veins.
I come from a family where all my uncles and both my grandpas were in the military for years. Both of my grandpas fought in wars. They have seen and dealt with things unimaginable to a lot of people. THAT blood is running through my veins.
I, myself, went through two years with boot camp, AIT, and a deployment. I have lived 19 years with an alcoholic father. I have went through three unexpected family deaths and two unexpected friend's deaths. I have pushed myself into college when I thought it was impossible and I have managed to keep myself enrolled and financially afloat. THAT is the blood in my veins.
That's proof of the quote. I was given this ONE life because I am strong enough to live it. There is strength running in my veins and there is strength that I have built with experiences that I hve been through. If I have survived all of that, then nothing is impossible. NOTHING can take me down.
There is no fake person, long distance relationship, or ANYTHING that can ruin the strength that my family has bulit up for me and that I have built up for myself.
I was given this life to live it, not to sit back and cry because someone screwed me over. I was given this life to be the confident, talented woman I am and nothing should hold me back from that nothing.
It's time for me to wo"man" up because that is what I was raised to do, it's what is in my blood to do, and it is what I have done so many times before. So nothing, should bring me down. I was raised a fighter and I'm not going to let that stop now.
(Thanks Ash. I love you dearly.)
I really wish I knew who said that quote because in my daily life, I'm always refering back to it. Because if you really think about it, it's true.
Here I am in this stupid funk because of one very minuscule thing: other people. When have I ever let other people start running my life? I used to be an independent, who cares what you say kind of girl. Now it seems like every little thing someone else says about me or does to me sends me into a funk that has me wrapped in it's fury. What do I think of that? BLAH.
I come from a family of strong women who struggled against alcoholic men for year after year after year. My grandma was in the military for awhile until she started having kids. Then after years of abuse she was strong enough to leave and take her four kids with her and move on. THAT blood is running through my veins.
I come from a family where all my uncles and both my grandpas were in the military for years. Both of my grandpas fought in wars. They have seen and dealt with things unimaginable to a lot of people. THAT blood is running through my veins.
I, myself, went through two years with boot camp, AIT, and a deployment. I have lived 19 years with an alcoholic father. I have went through three unexpected family deaths and two unexpected friend's deaths. I have pushed myself into college when I thought it was impossible and I have managed to keep myself enrolled and financially afloat. THAT is the blood in my veins.
That's proof of the quote. I was given this ONE life because I am strong enough to live it. There is strength running in my veins and there is strength that I have built with experiences that I hve been through. If I have survived all of that, then nothing is impossible. NOTHING can take me down.
There is no fake person, long distance relationship, or ANYTHING that can ruin the strength that my family has bulit up for me and that I have built up for myself.
I was given this life to live it, not to sit back and cry because someone screwed me over. I was given this life to be the confident, talented woman I am and nothing should hold me back from that nothing.
It's time for me to wo"man" up because that is what I was raised to do, it's what is in my blood to do, and it is what I have done so many times before. So nothing, should bring me down. I was raised a fighter and I'm not going to let that stop now.
(Thanks Ash. I love you dearly.)
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