Yep, It's a Downer Post

Ugh, I'm sorry this is going to be a downer post but sometimes it's just how ya feel right?

I went from things going pretty okay, to good, to now right back to shitty. Story of my LIFE. It's like anytime things start to get remotely better, they fall back into crap again. Frankly, I am getting tired of it. Like seriously, who did I piss off for everything to always be working against me? What did I do because I swear I'll fix it. I have put all my energy into making my life right again and it all just keeps working against me.

Like, for instance:

• I finally get my laptop fixed so I can get ahead on all my papers and stay in contact with friends and family better. Then, something else on it breaks.
• I apply for A BUNCH of jobs. Finally get hired at one, yet I haven't got the call to start yet. WTH
• I have been working my ass off to lose the weight I want. Working out 4 times a week, buying ONLY healthy food. I lost 10 pounds and then I go on break because it's too hard to watch my calories at home (yet I still cautiously ate and chose healthy things) and here I am, having gained the 10 lbs back.
• And everyone in my life is getting married, having kids, and such and such. and here I am just struggling to keep my head above the water

IT'S NOT FAIR! I work my ass off for EVERY LITTLE THING only to have it unravel everytime I turn around while everything is just handed to other people (non-friends who don't even deserve it). At first I thought it was my attitude, so I started being more positive about things but all that's done has set me up for a harder let down.

I am so tired of working for nothing. It's exhausting.

A BIG Decision

So. since I've become a junior and college, I have been thinking a lot about where I want to go with all of this. In a year and a half I'll have a bachelor's in Writing with minors in Psychology and History. Okaay... so then what?
We all know that American economy is still a scary subject right now. And honestly, it scares me to death that I will work my butt off for this degree and end up working at McDonald's (I have heard some horror stories, let me tell you). And over halfway through my degree and time moving so fast, I don't feel ready to throw myself into that world of jobs and settling into life. I feel like there is still so much for me to see. I want to study abroad for a summer, enhance my writing credentials, and really perfect my craft.
So, I have decided to embark on the Graduate school journey. It's a scary thought but it would only be two more years. And a Master's degree is the highest I want to go (because really, unless you want to be a professor, who needs a doctorate in Writing?) I feel like with a Graduate's degree, so many more options can be opened for me and that extra time to perfect my skill will be so beneficial in the end. It'll also gove me more time to get a summer abroad somewhere before I have to worry about a job and all the stresses that go with it.
I'm still weighing my pros and cons but at this point in time, I am really considering it.

Fall Break!

Hey all, as you know I went home to St. Louis for Fall Break to visit my family (first time in a year) so here are some pictures:

my brother James & I

James ready for his senior homecoming

He looks so grown, jeez

So, yep. I didn't take many pictures but I did have a good time seeing my mom, brother, and my grandpa. My dad, well, he was enjoyable to be around for most of my break. He had a bad night while I was there (as expected) but not like crazy bad like I've seen him get.
Overall, it was a nice weekend.

WARNING: VENT AHEAD

So, lately I have been doing well as far as setting goals but what is life without a need to vent?
And boy, do I feel a vent coming along.
It started this morning with weighing myself and not being the weight I thought I would be when I stepped on the scale this morning. It happens. So, I looked at why it may not have happened and made a list of new changes. Doesn't sound so bad, huh?
Then I go into my Shakespeare midterm ready to kick butt and COMPLETELY FAIL. My entire essay was crap. The whole thing. And what sucks is it's 1 of only 3 grades that make up the class. I swear I wanted to burst into tears walking out of there.
I AM SO TIRED OF BEING MY OWN WORST ENEMY! I hate it. I am the only one holding myself back and I don't know how the hell I am doing it. Yes, I am probably being too hard on myself. (which is why I am calling this a vent and not making it an "official" blog entry).
I am just so sick and tired of messing myself up. I could have studied harder for that test. But what was I doing? I don't even know. You would think after losing my scholarship this would start grounding me.
But nooo. It's like I aim to sabotage myself no matter what I do. That's how I feel. I feel as if I am at war with myself which I kind of am.
Yeah, I am hard on myself. But how can I not be after letting myself dig this hole I am in. I just want to punch myself in the face sometimes for being so stupid.Yes, we all need lessons in our life to learn the hard way. Ok, BUT I HAVE FRIGGIN LEARNED IT so I wish the world would stop picking on me.
I feel so out of control sometimes even when I am. I just hate it. Maybe it's the atmosphere I am in?
I wouldn't be in it if ya know, one of thousands of jobs I have applied for would call me in for an interview or HIRE ME. How the hell can I get an apartment for me and James if no one will even friggin hire me.
I am just so frustrated right now. And I know when I sit down, breathe and think this all through I will figure it out.
The mistake I made last year was giving up and letting life control ME. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.
I am not going to give up. This is my friggin life and I am in control of it. ME. NOT MY INSECURITIES. NOT MY PAST. NOT SCHOOL. NOT MONEY OR DUMB JOBS. ME ME ME.
So, how about the world SHUT THE HELL UP for just one second so I can handle my shit. Thank you.

Hello October!

Happy October everyone!
I am very excited because October is one of my favorite months (December is the other). I've decided to give a small little update about what's going on. So here it goes:

• I have lost 10 lbs!!!
• James (my "baby" brother") has decided to move in with me after he graduates high school in June. He's decided to take some classes at the tech school here in town or he may take the year off. He hasn't quite decided yet. He has decided, however, that within the next few years he is going to enlist in the National Guard. That scares me some, but I want my brother to do whatever makes him happy. I'll be a proud big sis either way.
• I applied for a part-time job as a teaching assistant at a Pre-school so I am definitely hoping I get the job
• Apartment hunting is very time consuming lol but it's necessary since I need a big enough place for myself, brother, and dog.
• School is going well. It's about a month and a half into the semester and I'm doing pretty well.
• LIFE IS GOOD!

So yeah, things have been going pretty great. I get to visit my family in St. Louis next weekend, which is loooonnng overdue so I probably won't blog until then. I hope everyone is doing well!

p.s GO CARDS!! (they made the playoffs! So, let's get a repeat of '06)

Elsewhere

Don't watch unless you want to hear my awful singing...

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"Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, It's About Creating Yourself"

George Bernard Shaw once said,
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
But how do we go about creating ourselves? How do we know who to create?
Over this past week, I have had a lot to think about. Granted, this week wasn't one of my best, but I've had worse. Keeping a positive attitude is the only weapon I have in this struggle to re-create myself and rise above the not-so-great past year I have had. But the one thing I have forgot to really keep alive is, my determination.
The single mother going to school and working to support her child doesn't do it because it's fun. She does it beacause she has that determination to do the best she can for her child and herself. She doesn't do it because she wants to per se, she does it because her mind and heart are telling her she HAS to do it. The single mother isn't purposely trying to find herself. She is creating the person she wants to be. And in that sense she finds not who she is, but who she CAN be.
That's only one scenario of someone. But I bet there are many.
Everyday, I wonder, if I make this decision or that decision how will it effect me tomorrow or even further down the line. I second guess myself more than anything. And I really, I miss out on so many opportunities simply because I don't have the confidence in myself to attain anything more than what is handed to me.
But happiness isn't just given to people. happiness is a state of mind. It's about changing what is making you unhappy and learning to accept those things you can't.
I need a job. I need a two-bedroom apartment if I'm ever going to get my brother away from dad when he graduates in May. I need a car. There's so much in my life that I could change if  had the confidence in myself to do so.
I have this idea in my head of who I want to be down the line. But if I can't muster up the confidence in myself to be that person right now, I will NEVER create that person I feel like I could be if I just believed in myself enough to be it.
I can't learn or make anything out of myself if I'm not putting myself out there. I can't hide in the background of my life and let pieces fall where they may. Because obviously those pieces aren't falling where they need to.
In the midst of all of this, I find myself battling with myself. I tell myself you can do this, you can be that person you aspire to be but then that other part of myself comes along and second guesses me and causes me to hold myself back.
This isn't what I want. There is a whole world out there I want to be apart of if I couldn just stop holding myself back. I don't have to be on the sidelines. No one said that's where I belong. I can be out there, front and center, living the life that I WANT to. I deserve to be happy and it's time I let myself be happy regardless of how scary that big world is out there.
I can create the woman I want to be. I shouldn't be 21 years old feeling like I'm 16 again lost along the blurry roads of my life. There ARE chances out there for me to take. But sitting here waiting for them isn't getting me anywhere but stuck in the same place I have always been.
Creating myself is about the determination and patience I need to obtain it. I need to start PUSHING myself because no one is going to do it for me.
I am capable of so many great things. I know I am. Yet, I need to have the confidence in myself. I could make a huge difference in my brother's life. But I can't take care of him and help him get out of a home run by alcoholism and abuse if I can't take care of myself. This isn't just about me. I need to do it for my brother and for my mom. They are two of the most IMPORTANT people in my life.
If I can't do it for them then who will?
Once a upon  time there was a girl who aspired to get out of that two bedroom apartment away from the negativity my dad brought down on us. There was a girl who studied her butt off, who saved money, and who got herself into college without help and despite her dad working against her. That girl was me two years ago and it's time I bring her back, better than ever. I don't know where I lost myself along the way or if I had even found myself to begin with. All I know is, there is so much I could do with my life if I just push myself.
So, maybe it's time to take a pagem from Mr. Shaw's words and stop trying to find myself and just create that version of me I want to be.

A Healthy Snack Alternative to Replace Those Fatty Chips!

So in the midst of living a healthier life, I have been looking for new alternatives to snack on instead of junk. Today I made homemade pita chips and ate it with roasted garlic humus. DEFINITELY better than fatty potatoe chips or Doritos.
Recipe: Whole wheat pita bread
vegetable oil
garlic salt
pepper
Italian seasoning

1. Preheat oven to 400.
2. Slice pita bread (1 makes 16 chips)
3. Mix vegetable oil, garlic salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning in a bowl
4. Lightly spread on pita chips
5. Bake for 7 minutes.

1 whole wheat pita bread= 120 calories
2 tbsps. of Sabra roasted garlic humus= 70 calories

I'll Wear Out the Words "I Love You" and "You're Beautiful"

Marry Me- Train

This song is so perfect <3 maybe one day I'll find love like this....

There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be

Hey everyone!
I hope you all like the new look. I may still fiddle around with it, but I think for the most part I like my new blog look.
Classes have kept me fairly busy since they started last week. Overall, I am really enjoying them. I am taking two psyc courses for my minor (Child & Adolescent psyc and Lifespan Development), two Lit courses to finish off the Lit portion required for my major (Shakespeare and 20th century Female Novelists), and a simple Adult Wellness course for a gen. ed. credit. I've actually been intersted in the work so homework has been as enjoyable as homework could possibly get.
Monday I started working out at the gym again. And let me tell you, it was AMAZING. I forgot what a great feeling it was to just burn off all the stress of life.
For the most part, life has been good. I'm back on track with school and taking care of my body and it's a great feeling. I love it.
It's reminded me how life has its ups and its downs but really you've just gotta roll with the punches and let it take its natural course. Yes, last year sucked. But I NEEDED it to wake me up and make myself question the choices I had been making. Everything that happened to me and because of me, happened for this very reason.
Each day, I still hope to find that magical purpose for myself but who said that search had to be confusing AND miserable. No one. it should be fun, exciting, and momentous. And I am going to enjoy every minute of it and do the best for myself that I can. Yes, I'm going to hit some obstacles. But what would life be without a few road blocks? I don't have all the answers now but they will come to me as I go.
And that's only half the fun ;)
I hope everyone is having a great week. Much love. <3

Stand

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One Step At a Time

Hello blogging world!


Since I haven't post in a couple of weeks I decided to give a quick update.


My 21st birthday was awesome and I got to spend it with some great friends. It also forced me to put my new "guidelines" for this year into effect right away after some flakey friends and those friendships were ended. Who needs so called "friends" like that?


School starts next week and I'm a tiny bit nervous just because I did handle last year so horribly. In another sense I'm excited because I feel in so much more control than I did. Dean's List, here I come!


I have completely mapped out an eating plan and once school starts I'll have access to the gym to work out and get this weight loss popping.


I am also in the process of setting up my own fundraiser on campus to collect donations for the humane soceity. I am SUPER excited for this one! It's the least I can do to give back to an organization that does an awesome job getting animals adopted fast and reducinmg the number of animals that are euthanized each year. I am also cooking up a way to raise money for autism awareness that I hope is a success. =]


I guess my attitude has changed tremendously since a few months ago. A lot of people have been cut from my life and a lot of changes are in the making. It's exciting but scary. But in the end it's just what I needed.


Hope everyone is having a beautiful day!

Prudence Dreaming

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Change is Gonna Come

Alright, so every birthday I make goals for the year with an image in mind of where I want to be at the end of the chapter. And after this year (more like the last 6 months or so) I REALLY need to establish some goals to get life back on track and be a better version of myself by the time I reach 22. I really want to devote this year to myself and bettering me no matter how much I'm going to have to self-discipline myself. I'm ready for this and I'm ready to utilize this upcoming chapter of my life for the best. My birthday is on Friday and means a lot more to me than being legal to drink. It means a fresh start after a year of mistakes and dumb choices. So, for this year I am going to dedicate it to getting myself back on track.
The goals I am going to accomplish are:

• Establishing healthy eating and exercise habits to FINALLY reach that healthy weight


• Make Dean's list BOTH semesters


• Focus on my writing as a passion again and maybe get some things published


• Leave ALL drama and toxic people behind


• Get involved in a cause that means something to me (anti bullying, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, animal abuse, autism awareness)


• Start reading for fun again


• Make better more well-thought out decisions for myself


• DRIVER'S LICENSE


• Do more for other people


• Build my savings account and establish financial secruity for myself

That's what I've got for now. I'm sure I'll add to it as the year progresses. For now, I feel so motivated and ready to get this going. As for my blog, I'm going to start posting more helpful things for my readers and not just update on my life ALL the time or use my blog as a secondary journal. Also, starting Friday I think I'm going to start "Project 365" just to document this year in photos.

I hope everyone is well and wearing smiles on those beautiful faces. Until next time... :)

I Will Be Rising From the Ground

I normally avoid music by Disney stars because I'd rather not listen to the same songs as my 9 year old cousin but this song hit a soft spot. I think a lot of people can relate.

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