WARNING: VENT AHEAD

So, lately I have been doing well as far as setting goals but what is life without a need to vent?
And boy, do I feel a vent coming along.
It started this morning with weighing myself and not being the weight I thought I would be when I stepped on the scale this morning. It happens. So, I looked at why it may not have happened and made a list of new changes. Doesn't sound so bad, huh?
Then I go into my Shakespeare midterm ready to kick butt and COMPLETELY FAIL. My entire essay was crap. The whole thing. And what sucks is it's 1 of only 3 grades that make up the class. I swear I wanted to burst into tears walking out of there.
I AM SO TIRED OF BEING MY OWN WORST ENEMY! I hate it. I am the only one holding myself back and I don't know how the hell I am doing it. Yes, I am probably being too hard on myself. (which is why I am calling this a vent and not making it an "official" blog entry).
I am just so sick and tired of messing myself up. I could have studied harder for that test. But what was I doing? I don't even know. You would think after losing my scholarship this would start grounding me.
But nooo. It's like I aim to sabotage myself no matter what I do. That's how I feel. I feel as if I am at war with myself which I kind of am.
Yeah, I am hard on myself. But how can I not be after letting myself dig this hole I am in. I just want to punch myself in the face sometimes for being so stupid.Yes, we all need lessons in our life to learn the hard way. Ok, BUT I HAVE FRIGGIN LEARNED IT so I wish the world would stop picking on me.
I feel so out of control sometimes even when I am. I just hate it. Maybe it's the atmosphere I am in?
I wouldn't be in it if ya know, one of thousands of jobs I have applied for would call me in for an interview or HIRE ME. How the hell can I get an apartment for me and James if no one will even friggin hire me.
I am just so frustrated right now. And I know when I sit down, breathe and think this all through I will figure it out.
The mistake I made last year was giving up and letting life control ME. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.
I am not going to give up. This is my friggin life and I am in control of it. ME. NOT MY INSECURITIES. NOT MY PAST. NOT SCHOOL. NOT MONEY OR DUMB JOBS. ME ME ME.
So, how about the world SHUT THE HELL UP for just one second so I can handle my shit. Thank you.