"Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, It's About Creating Yourself"

George Bernard Shaw once said,
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
But how do we go about creating ourselves? How do we know who to create?
Over this past week, I have had a lot to think about. Granted, this week wasn't one of my best, but I've had worse. Keeping a positive attitude is the only weapon I have in this struggle to re-create myself and rise above the not-so-great past year I have had. But the one thing I have forgot to really keep alive is, my determination.
The single mother going to school and working to support her child doesn't do it because it's fun. She does it beacause she has that determination to do the best she can for her child and herself. She doesn't do it because she wants to per se, she does it because her mind and heart are telling her she HAS to do it. The single mother isn't purposely trying to find herself. She is creating the person she wants to be. And in that sense she finds not who she is, but who she CAN be.
That's only one scenario of someone. But I bet there are many.
Everyday, I wonder, if I make this decision or that decision how will it effect me tomorrow or even further down the line. I second guess myself more than anything. And I really, I miss out on so many opportunities simply because I don't have the confidence in myself to attain anything more than what is handed to me.
But happiness isn't just given to people. happiness is a state of mind. It's about changing what is making you unhappy and learning to accept those things you can't.
I need a job. I need a two-bedroom apartment if I'm ever going to get my brother away from dad when he graduates in May. I need a car. There's so much in my life that I could change if  had the confidence in myself to do so.
I have this idea in my head of who I want to be down the line. But if I can't muster up the confidence in myself to be that person right now, I will NEVER create that person I feel like I could be if I just believed in myself enough to be it.
I can't learn or make anything out of myself if I'm not putting myself out there. I can't hide in the background of my life and let pieces fall where they may. Because obviously those pieces aren't falling where they need to.
In the midst of all of this, I find myself battling with myself. I tell myself you can do this, you can be that person you aspire to be but then that other part of myself comes along and second guesses me and causes me to hold myself back.
This isn't what I want. There is a whole world out there I want to be apart of if I couldn just stop holding myself back. I don't have to be on the sidelines. No one said that's where I belong. I can be out there, front and center, living the life that I WANT to. I deserve to be happy and it's time I let myself be happy regardless of how scary that big world is out there.
I can create the woman I want to be. I shouldn't be 21 years old feeling like I'm 16 again lost along the blurry roads of my life. There ARE chances out there for me to take. But sitting here waiting for them isn't getting me anywhere but stuck in the same place I have always been.
Creating myself is about the determination and patience I need to obtain it. I need to start PUSHING myself because no one is going to do it for me.
I am capable of so many great things. I know I am. Yet, I need to have the confidence in myself. I could make a huge difference in my brother's life. But I can't take care of him and help him get out of a home run by alcoholism and abuse if I can't take care of myself. This isn't just about me. I need to do it for my brother and for my mom. They are two of the most IMPORTANT people in my life.
If I can't do it for them then who will?
Once a upon  time there was a girl who aspired to get out of that two bedroom apartment away from the negativity my dad brought down on us. There was a girl who studied her butt off, who saved money, and who got herself into college without help and despite her dad working against her. That girl was me two years ago and it's time I bring her back, better than ever. I don't know where I lost myself along the way or if I had even found myself to begin with. All I know is, there is so much I could do with my life if I just push myself.
So, maybe it's time to take a pagem from Mr. Shaw's words and stop trying to find myself and just create that version of me I want to be.