I Will Be Rising From the Ground

I normally avoid music by Disney stars because I'd rather not listen to the same songs as my 9 year old cousin but this song hit a soft spot. I think a lot of people can relate.

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The House That Built Me

Lately I have been feeling a bit homesick. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my upcoming birthday will be the first I've celebrated without any of my family. I'm excited for my birthday because I'll be surrounded by most of my closest friends but it bums me out some that none of my family will be around. All in all it has got me thinking a lot about "home." I feel like I've only blogged about the hardships of my childhood and the after effects it has had on my life. But to be fair, there was a lot of good things that I can look back on too and to this day, despite the hardships, I feel an ache for these things.
One thing ss definitely my mom. She really was my rock my entire life. I miss being able to talk and laugh with her while she cooked dinner. When I still had a bedtime it was an hour after my brother so I got to stay up and watch TV shows like "Law and Order: SUV" and "Without a Trace." Now anytime one of those shows come on, I have to call my mom because it makes me miss her. Staying up late on weekends and talking to my little brother is another thing I miss. When we were young we would wait until mom and dad fell asleep and we would get our toys out and play. I remember so many times we tried to muffle our laughing into pillows or had to run and dive back into our beds because one of our parents woke up. My brother and my mom were and always will be my BEST friends. I miss weekend visits to my grandpa's little pink house. Chatting with my now deceased grandma at the kitchen table or picking on my grandpa while he ate cookies and drank coffee. Eating popsicles or drinking lemonade with my brother on the back porch while my dad and Gramps worked on the old Dodge ram that always seemed to have something wrong with it. I miss racing bikes with my brother in the yard and how the red shed was always base. I miss cutting the grass and my grandpa's nickname for me. I miss seeing my grandpa's smile- the kind that reached his eyes and the little gleam he always had. My grandpa is the best man I've ever known even to this day. I of course miss family trips up to my grandma's small Indiana town where country music filled stores restaurants and the smell of coffee woke me every morning. When I think of the word "home" my grandma's town always pops into my head. Country quilts, homemade brownies, chasing my little cousins through the sprinkler, the creak of rocking chairs, and bonfires on cool Indiana nights. That's home. My grandma's town is and always has been my safe place. It's where my mom, brother, and I went every summer to get a break from dad, its where I healed my broken heart two years ago and it is where I always go when I need the warmth of home. It is my happy place. And as of last summer I miss my sister and her kiddos mote than I thought I would. I miss my sister's craziness and laughing with her over silly things and chasing my niece around. I thought I hated Missouri until I spent a summer in Foley.
I've had a tough past year and now that I'm turning 21 I feel like I've lost the girl I used to be. I feel like I've lost those roots that made me.... well me. These good memories along with the bad are what built me into the woman I am today. I feel like I need to get back in touch with those roots and find myself again. And I plan to. I complain and pity myself way too much when really I have tons of reasons to love this life I've been given. And I do. I love my life and the people in it and I cherish those things that built me.
 When they say home is where the heart is, they're right. and all these memories and more are with me everyday and I find home in them whenever I need to. "Home" is that kind of love that just never goes away even when life is beating you down.

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Somewhere I Belong

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Repeat Chorus] I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today [Repeat Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

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May Angels Lead You In

It has been 5 years since my Grandma passed and I still think of her everyday.
I love you Grandma.

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I Walk a Lonely Road...

So Harry Potter was amazing, of course. It definitely was an AMAZING movie to end the series with. I'm quite sad it's over though. Haleigh left this afternoon. I had a great time. It really made me realize how much I miss having her live here with me.
I know it's dumb because I have so many amazing people in my life, but I can't help but feel alone.
I miss waking up to always having people up like my mom drinking coffee and my brother watching cartoons. I miss my niece tip toeing into my room every morning to jump on my bed and wake me up. I miss my grandma watching the morning news. I even miss haleigh's annoying alarm that went off every morning.
I know I'm no where close to being alone but its hard not to feel it when everyone is so far away. and money is so tight on everyone that its hard to visit as often. and I just miss being surrounded by people I love every day, especially after a summer where I have spent majority of my time with myself and my dog.
I guess I just really miss everyone and I can't wait until school starts nor can I wait to graduate so I can move somewhere closer to everyone.

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Feelin' Fly Like It's Quidditch

This video makes me laugh so I thought I'd share :)

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With a Little Help From My Friends

So, I finally made my decision about school and housing. As sad as I am to say, I will not be returning to a dorm. But I will be getting my own apartment! I am beyond excited. It will be a simple one bedroom just big enough for me and my dog. I can't wait to sign the lease. :D
But that isn't the point of this entry. I am uber excited to see my best friend tomorrow night. We're going to see the long awaited Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and to just hang out and catch up. I have missed my bestie so much so I'm pumped. I will hopefully have some pics to share.
On another note, one of my other best friend's fiance was deployed for his first (and hers) tour in the middle east. And I remember how hard it is from personal experience so I got this idea to make her a "deployment survival kit" with just random stuff to help her get through it easier and make it go by fast. I'm excited to start working on it so I can give it to her when she comes down for my birthday party. So I hope it makes her happy and gets her through it.
Welp, that's about all the updating I have for now. Another new thing, is I think I'm going to start naming posts after songs that fit it.
Until next time.Have a great weekend everyone!

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Cleaning Up My Act

If you have followed my blog pretty regularly, you will notice I did some cleaning up and deleted a few posts. It is after 5 in the morning and I am being an insomniac. I have had this problem for the past month and it is a bit of a pain. Anywho, I am going to try to keep this entry as light as I possibly can. And warning- this may be long so bare with me.
Life for me hasn't been easy this past year. Anyone who is close to me knows I am struggling and that I haven't been myself. I have been pretty far from myself. And I apologize to anyone who has been affected by my lack of... well... lack of Melissa-ness. I really have been in some dark times lately and I have been struggling to pull myself out.
I will admit. I stopped caring. I got caught up in everything going wrong and I stopped being the Melissa I used to pride myself on. I stopped caring about things that used to really matter to me. I let myself go.
I have been blogging about all these so called changes I was going to make and to be honest, I didn't do anything. I tried for a week and then gave up. And in the process I gave up on myself.
And then I broke.
Last week I hit rock bottom.I have been hanging on to a relationship that has went bad and has gotten emotionally abusive. Sure, I broke up with him but in my head I still thought, "Well maybe this will push him to change," and it didn't. And surprise surprise, he didn't change. Nor will he ever.
I have completely shut myself off from the world and have questioned anything I have ever believed in.
I am a child of domestic abuse. I always will be but I have let that pain dictate my life. The man I thought I could trust turned out to have a temper larger than I imagined and I have been taking the butt end of every time he flies off the handle. He promised me anger management, went a few days, then that was it. I caught him having an ongoing online relationship with a woman in Ohio and that's when I broke up with him. Since then, I have been trying to get him to fix things but there has been nothing but more emotional stress and more online girls. And when I found myself confronted with ending my life, that scared me. Truth is, I have been running scared all along.
I was going to end my blog because I didn't see the point in it. But one day some troubledgirl is going to stumble across this and I don't want to be a failed blog. I want her to read this post and the posts following it and see someone who hit bottom and fixed it. I want to be a fighter not a quitter.
I have been pushing off my paperwork for school because I'm too scared to make a decision. But I need to STOP LETTING LIFE AND OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME. I need to take control for God's sake.
So tomorrow the plan is to get up and go apartment and job hunting around campus. I have over 1000 in savings that I was going to use for a car but I am pushing that off afford my own place or the dorm. I will not allow myself to stay here anymore. I am losing who I am to this and that is a tradegy. life is too short to be taken for granted the way I have been doing. I'm done. It is time to clean up my act and detox my life of all the poison.
Thank you to my friends and family who have stuck by me through all of this. I love you and appreciate you more than you know and promise to start making you proud again. Your love and support has not gone unnoticed and I owe you the world.
On a lighter note, Harry Potter 7 Part 2 comes out this week and my best friend is driving up to see it with me. I am beyond excited. I am sad to see it end but I can't wait to see this movie and my bestie of course. I have never been to a midnight premier of a movie so I'm glad this movie in particular will be my first. =]
I hope everyone is doing well and I will be updating soon after apartment hunting.
Love,
Melissa

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Facing Up

If there is one thing I have learned these last couple of months, its that sometimes you have to face up to your past and your mistakes. I have spent years running from my past. hell, I came all the way to Indiana. and truth is, it followed me and bit me right on the butt. I haven't posted in awhile because I have been taking time to assess myself. I made a choice to give up on the aca meetings because there was a religious aspect I'm not comfortable with. I'm not saying I'm an atheist. I don't know what I believe in and I'm fine with that. but when I made that decision I had to decide that if aca didn't work for me then I had to find something else because it would effect the rest of my life. after reading a lot and thinking until my head felt like it was gonna explode I had to come to terms with some bad stuff I've been running from. and after being torn down for so many years I realized I had no love, trust, or even respect for myself. I let my dad push me around and I have been letting every one else do exactly the same thing. that had to stop. I'm still coming to terms with my dads abuse and alcoholism. I'm not running anymore. every time a new past memory surfaces, I write it down and get out every feeling. and then I crumple it up and throw it away. it sounds dumb but it has helped me let go of a lot. I have been practicing loving myself and fighting all the negative feelings that have haunted me for years. I'm taking care of my body and learning to rely on myself. and I can honestly say that I'm starting to love myself and I'm healing. losing my scholarship was a big wake up call to me. college was the one thing I wanted so bad and I blew it for a guy. and that was MY fault. no one else's. I made that choice and I knowing can do better. I broke up with Michael and it was hard. having another failed relationship made me feel like a failure. but I'm not. I deserved better from him and I deserved better from myself. so here I am. I have made more progress than I ever have. and I am proud of that. the road is still hard and I'm running into a lot of obstacles but the fact that I am finally on this road means more than anything. I'm in the process of driving lessons and I'm taking my test in August. I have 1000 dollars in savings for a car to open more possibilities up for a better job. then I am getting my own place. the thought of being alone scares me but I need to know I can take care of myself. I talked to my mom about it all and she said she is proud of me for making the choices she never did. I'm finally shaping who I am as Melissa. not so and so's girlfriend or friend or daughter. I am just me. I make mistakes and I make choices I am not proud of. but now its time to face up and put me first. so simply put, here I am and I love myself. the end.

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Endings & Beginnings and the Road to a Destination

So, my Sophomore year is over. Thankfully. This was a tough year for me. And I'll admit, I hit a new low that I swore I'd never hit again.

A lot went wrong this year and I made a lot of dumb decisions. I guess this depressed me because I stopped being myself. I let myself forget that I am young and dumb decisions is what I should be making so I can learn from them. And boy did I make a lot of them.

My grades suffered and I hate to say this, but I didn't earn the gpa I needed to keep my scholarship. For awhile I considered withdrawing from UE and taking a year off. But to be honest, UE was my dream school and college was everything to me throughout middle school and high school. So I'm going to take out another loan to help pay for my last two years and I WILL finish. I will earn my two degrees and walk across that stage in 2013. No. Matter. What.

I won't deny that I feel defeated but that's life. And things like this happen for a reason and somehow I forgot that.

Somehow, I'll find myself again and this summer may be just what I need.

Where I Am Now

So, instead of saying life sucks, I guess I'll just talk about where it is at this point in time.
Michael & I pretty much have a failed relationship. Funny how I realize this AFTER I decide to stay here with him for the summer. So now I'm stuck. He still owes me thousands of dollars and I still have a puppy I refuse to give back to the humane society whom I need to find a home for along with myself.

I want a place of my own since dorm housing doesn't allow animals. But I doubt I could pay for it on my own, even if I can manage to get a part-time job. I wanted my best friend to get a place with me but she has withdrawn from school and is moving back out. And it turns out I really don't have any other friends close enough or willing to get a place with me.
I have like no relationship with my dorm roommate anymore and I''m pretty sure she doesn't even like me that much now. How did that happen, you may wonder? Well, Melissa decided staying at the apartment was better than staying in the dorm, therefore stopped seeing her roommate or spending any time with her. So now instead of having my roommate/close friend, I have a roommate who doesn't really like me anymore. Yaaay.

I am in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. I used to have savings and could afford trips to see family. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. All because stupid Melissa put everything into a guy who turned out to be someone else.

Smart decision, Mel.

So here I am faced with a failing relationship (again) and with tough decisions in a hole. Yippee. That's my life.

Life?

"I'm so ashamed of defeat, And I'm out of reason to believe in me." ~Seether

I guess I need to update. I've been avoiding bloggin because there really isn't much to write about in my life lately. Good stuff at least.
It's been a struggle lately and I've been dealing and trying to work through it all. I've pretty much reached this point where I'm just standing still trying to decide what to do now.
The school year is almost over and I'm pretty sure my grades this semester have cost me the scholarship that got me here. I've accepted that and have a plan.
My best friend is leaving after this year and I really don't know what I am going to do. My relationship with Michael is just in the dumps and she was the only thing keeping me going and keeping my head up. And now she's leaving.
Michael & I aren't on the best of terms. I could sit here and tell the million reasons why but I'd rather keep it private. There really is no relationship anymore. We don't laugh anymore, or hold hands, or go on dates. If we kiss, it's a once a day occasion.
This isn't where I saw this ending up. But that's life.
I once again have no where to go for the summer since I will NEVER EVER set foot under my father's roof again. So I am staying here in Evansville with Michael and it worries me. This could either help our relationship by giving us some time to sort things out or hurt it by adding to the already deteriorating relationship.
I have sense of being lost. I have no idea where I am going or where I want to go and my life needs some serious change. This isn't where I want to be but I don't know how to get out.
I could dump Michael and start from scratch but considering our cicumstances, it's not that simple.
I know I will figure this out sooner or later and get myself back on track. I've done it before. And maybe this summer is what I need. It's not going to be a fun summer of rivers and going out.
But it may be just what I need. With Michael working so much and everyone gone, I'll have a lot of time to myself to work out my head.
I just need to get throught he next two weeks and see where it all takes me.

And hopefully, I can find some reason to believe in myself again.

How thin is too thin?

So I haven't blogged in awhile but something caught my attention and pulled at my emotions. I have a tumblr and one girl I follow is trying to lose weight. I haven't paid much attention to her blog until now. Today I decided to read some of her entries and it just shocked me. She is on a diet of less than 300 calories per day and fasting. Then I went on to look at some her followers and they are all starving girls who still think they are fat and gross. When is enough enough? As I was reading these blogs I found myself feeling scared for these girls and scared of the road an obsession to lose weight can pull people down. I have struggled with my weight and I have had more "fat days" then good days. But seeing how these girls (my age and younger) have let food completely consumed them just tore me apart a little. It's sad. So I say to them and those with the same struggle: If you are overweight and not happy with your body, PLEASE lose the weight in a healthy manner. Don't reduce yourself to nothing because you may feel like nothing. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. And no matter how thin you are, you will never be beautiful unless YOU think you're beautiful. Don't starve yourself to nothing. What are you proving? That you didn't know how to take care of your body when you were obese and you STILL don't know how to care for yourself? Please. Beauty comes from the mind. You are beautiful. Eating a cheeseburger won't change that.

Spring Break, Puppy, & more!

It's that time of year again. Yep, spring break!!!!
Oh how I am looking forward to a week of no class. Just saying.
Instead of going to visit my parents this time around, I am going to good ol' Portland, Indiana to visit my mom's side of the family. I really haven't spent any time with them since last Christmas so I'm excited to see my grandma and the kids.
Although I'm dissapointed in the lack of weight loss I wanted to acheive before I saw them again, I will be working on it over break and then fighting it head on once I get back to campus (and our free student gym).
Our puppy Prudence is going to the vet for the first time tomorrow morning. It's weird being the one to have this responsiblity. I've watched many in my family handle their dogs, now it's me. Weird, I'm an adult moment. She has to get her second booster and then she gets to go on her first adventure with me to Portland!
I'll miss Michael but honestly I think we need a little time apart after seeing each other every single day since he has moved here.
One thing that hit me is I have two months left of being a sophomore in college. Then I will be a friggin' junior. This is going too fast.
Since studying in Europe this summer fell through, I'm planning on taking a summer course to get ahead on my credits. With two majors and a minor that will definitley be helpful.
Also, I'm considering starting another blog for just weight loss stuff. I'll decide when I get back so I'll let you know.
Have a great upcoming week everyone =]

Me, Myself, & I

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Lately, I've been pretty much depressed. I really hate the feeling of depression. I like to be spunky and happy and full of sunshine. But since I stepped on the scale a week or so ago, I've just been dark and gloomy.
The other day I read this article our publications office wrote on body image [couldn't come at a perfect time huh?] And it said something about how we all want to be the image of ourselves that we have in our mind. That is beyond true. I definitely see myself completely different in my mind. Then when I step on the scale or look in the mirror, I don't see that girl and it depresses me.
I got to thinking. We all see ourselves a certain way. We all change to fit a certain mode whether that be skinny or smart or whatever the word may be. But really, we should be focusing on the person WE will be happy with. If you're happy at 200 pounds, or at 130, or at 105 then awesome.
It's not the number on the scale that defines me. I define me. Somehow I lost that perspective. And here I am, depressed because I'm going home to family I haven't seen in awhile bigger than I was the last time they saw me. They aren't going to love me any less and somehow I forgot that.
I guess my point is instead of changing, I should strive to be the best version of myself. Not just in health, but in all aspects of my life.
This person I am now, is not the best version of Melissa. And I have been blessed with the ability to change that and be the best I can possibly be.
This isn't about being my ideal weight, or having top grades, or any of that. It's about being happy with who I am and embracing that. There is only one of me, and if I keep tearing her down the way that I have been, she isn't going to shine like she should.
I need to let her shine. This involves living to the best of my capabilities. Studying harder, eating better, working out, taking care of the mold I call myself.
Because if I can't take care of her, who will?