Hearts As Free As Toes

"Summer is where the girls go barefoot and their hearts are as free as their toes." ~Anonymous

As my freshman year has come to an end and summer is starting there's so many feelings and reflections that occur. Its crazy. I'm excited for summer, even though I'll miss Evansville. I've begun to feel at home and even though they don't have a triumphant arch and Cardinals' baseball, I love this city.

I normally don't like summer because I'm just not one for hot weather, but I have a feeling this is gonna be a good one. I'm gonna make it a good one. Flip flops, baseball, concerts, barefeet, BBQ, the river, family, friends, and love. What's not good about that?

I've decided to spend the summer with my sister Kelli.[!] I'm really excited to spend it with her, my brother in law, and niece. It's gonna be great.

Summer does leave me with some goals. With a break from school I have more time to focus on things that I've been meaning to get done and things that are just coming up. So I've decided to make a list and I'll definitely write about each as I complete them. Now that's determination. [=P]

~Summer Goals 2010~

~Driver's license

~Car

~Lose weight [!]

~Save for Harlaxton and just save money in general

~Apartment hunting! [more Michael's goal than mine]

~Catch up on reading

Let the summer begin!

Winding Down

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis." ~Margaret Bonnano

So, I only have a week left of my freshman year of college and I can't believe it. It's crazy how fast time goes by and this year flew by. I have so many experiences and lessons I've taken from this year it's unbelievable. I've made friends, I've lost friends. I got my heart broken, I got it strenghtened. I fell out of love, I fell back in love. I cried, I laughed, I loved, I lost, I lived. It's amazing.

As things are winding down I'm faced with more decisions. What do I do for the summer? I want this summer to be my best yet and I have a good feeling that it will be. I'm waiting to hear back about this RA job. If I get it then I'll be able to stay here in beautiful Evansville. If not, then I've decided to go back to St. Louis. My dad is being a butt about that so I'll most likely end up staying with my sister and working in Foley. Either way is fine with me as long as I have a good time and make even more memories.

My last entries have been kinda crappy cuz I've been kinda crappy, which is why I chose that particular quote. You gotta take happiness day to day. When I really look at it, my life is going fairly well.

Michael is working so he'll be able to get an apartment in no time. We are still going strong. My grades are looking good for the end of this year. I have amazing friends and a good family. And I was definitely reminded of all this just this past weekend.

Sometimes we neglect to really cherish the things we already have. There's bad days, yes. But why focus on the bad things that happened that day when you can focus on little things that add up to a lot like a Wal-Mart run at midnight with friends, a phone call from your boyfriend just to say he loves you cuz he was thinking about you at work, or your mom saying she misses you. These things are little but they add up to a lot. They add up to your happiness at the end of the day.

I definitely look forward to more crazy-fun times with my friends, sweet moments with my Michael, and good times with my family. In the end, it's what makes life worth while and I see no problem with that.

Trouble Sleeping and Loneliness

"It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise." ~Eric Hoffer

Two entries within one day? Yeah that's right. I guess I just needed to write. Plus I can't sleep. And I'm feeling kind of lonely. And that always leads to thinking.

I'm still just worried about everything. I wanted to talk to Michael about it all but of course he was too busy. It's so weird. When I was an Army girlfriend, I was able to just deal and take care of myself and I got used to the loneliness. For some reason I lost that talent. I kind of wish I had it now. I have a feeling I'm going to be needing it. It's the distance again. I don't know why. I went through a deployment for christ's sake! Maybe it's because we were supposed to be getting things ready for an apartment but now... I don't know when we'll have it. I just wish things would fall into place. Not just for me, but for everyone. I want everyone to be happy. I want my best friend to get to see her boyfriend soon because she's missing him so much. I want my ex to be having a happy marriage. I want my old friends who I've lost or who I've just grown distant with all to be happy and getting what they wanted.

I just want it all to fall into place. I want my sacrifices and tears to mean something in the end. It scares me that it won't. Failure is always a fear.

I feel on the verge of tears and I really can't explain why. Stress? PMS? Realizations?

This is what it's like to be an adult. Taking thingd day by day and hoping for the best while working through things day by day. In the end, I just want to be the best person I possibly can. I want to be strong and I wanna be doing the right things for myself. I just want to succeede and hang on to happiness.

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling. Maybe I should stop. It's just I CAN'T SLEEP and I want to sooo bad. I'm not used to going to sleep without talking to Michael first. God it's only his first day and I'm already being a baby about him being too busy. I'm trying to keep in mind its toward our future but I don't know. I just really needed to talk to him tonight. And of course the thing you need is never available. I'll just get used to it I guess. I wish I still had that army girlfriend strength I used to have. I have no clue where it went. I miss it though.

Sigh...

Worries, Worries, Worries

"I won't worry my life away." ~Jason Mraz

So the semester is winding down and my body and mind has become a bottle of worries.

Every little grade to me is a chance to earn or lose my scholarship. I'm working my butt off to keep my grades up and the pressure is getting to me. I'm re-taking tests I don't so well on. I'm reading non-stop. I'm constantly pondering all my papers and all the things due. Constantly. It's not fun.
At least I only have 3 finals out of 5 classes That helps, I guess.

I had a job interview today for a summer job on the RA staff and I'm a bundle of worries that I'm not gonna get it. I did my best at the interview and I think I handled it well for it being my first job interview ever. I'm worried because I NEED this job. It's good pay and good experience and lets me stay in Evansville. I NEED to be able to stay here. If I don't get this job, I really don't know where to go next except off to my grandma's where I'm isolated from all my friends, from Michael, and from freedom. That just can't happen. I NEED this one thing to go right for me. If nothing else goes right I at least want this to.

Michael started his new job today and it's weird barely talking to him throughout the day. It's gonna take some getting used to, I guess. I was an army girlfriend for two years. THis is nothing compared to how that was.

I guess I'm just being a worrywart. I'm afraid nothing is gonna go right and it makes me nervous. Michael getting the apartment in May already fell through and I think it's got my cautious about everything else.

I guess I should keep in mind those very insightful words of Mr. Jason Mraz.

Was This Worth the Time to Write

"Life in true sense is perceiving or thinking."~ Aristotle

Sometimes we just have to sit back and think about things to make sense of them. Life is filled with so much going, going, going that sometimes we neglect to sit back and actually THINK about what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we neglect to savor the moment. And sometimes a little thought could have led to a better decision.

I've just had a few thoughts tumbling around in my mind that I guess I wanted to address. It's more for just peace of mind I guess. Since tomorrow is the beginning of a new weeks, I guess you could call it cleansing.

I realize I'm not a perfect person. I never thought that I was. I've made a lot of mistakes and decisions that maybe I'm not too proud of, but the fact of the matter is life goes on. If I could stop time and just re-do some things, I still would never change a thing because I'm learning from every moment.But the learning is an everyday process. I'm still not the person I wish to be.

One thing that's really been bugging me is certain comments people keep making about my relationship with Michael. Okay, yes I was "in love" with someone else just two months before I started dating Michael. Does this make me look bad? Most likely. Does it make me look fickle? Yes. Does it make me look as if I'm rebounding? Yes. I realize all these things and I acknowlede it. But what people don't realize is I didn't plan to be in a relationship right now. If you look at previous entries, I had planned to be single for awhile. That's what my intentions were. And if Michael wasn't in my life, I would still be single and I can guarentee that because I didn't want another relationship. I told Michael this numerous times. This relationship was not in my original plan. I was gonna focus on school and then go to my grandma's for the summer and that's what I had planned. People aren't getting that though and all they wanna do is judge. And it's really not fair because what they think is not how it went down. And I don't know why I'm gonna sit here and explain this but I'm only going to do it once. Yes, I loved Steven. But it was a love I formed when I was seventeen. I hadn't had much experience considering how my parents were and all that, but yes I was with him for two and half years and I had planned on marrying him. Things didn't turn out that way obviously. He got back from deployment, ended things, and married someone else all within a month. And I'm the fickle one? Things had gotten bad in the last 6 months of his deployment. Our relationship had been over for awhile before it was officially over. The love we once had was already gone. It took a lot pain to open my eyes. And looking back, I'm not angry anymore and I'm not bitter. But what people don't understand is Michael has ALWAYS been there. Even after I hurt him, he never left. He always wanted to be with me and I was blinded by everything with my ex that I never saw it or took the time to consider it. That was one of my biggest mistakes. There are people who look at me as if I'm doing something wrong by opening up again and being happy and in love. There is no time limit on how long it takes to fall in love. What do people expect me to do? Still be sitting here trying to get over my ex? No. It wasn't worth taking the time. I accepted it and I moved on. That's what you do in life and now I'm happier than I was before. I want my friends to see that aspect. Things change and things happen that open your eyes to stuff. That's what happened with me. I didn't go out and hook up with the first random guy I saw (which I could have easily done, it's college), I didn't run out and get married, nor did I rush into anything like that. I cried my tears, accepted what happened, went on with my life, and then Michael came in and told me how he felt. For weeks I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. And then one day I just realized life was too short to just sit there and miss out on something that could be good. And here I am now.
For anyone who wants to say that my feelings aren't real or this relationship isn't real, I want to remind them that these are MY feelings. Not theirs. And I'd appreciate that people would just step back and stop judging. I know what I feel and I know what HE feels and that's what matters in the end. I'm happy so if you're my friend please jsut accept that and be happy that things turned out better for me than I had ever planned.It just happened that way. I'm not fickle and I'm not rebounding,

Another thing that's been on my mind is what I'm going to do with this writing degree that I'm in the process of earning. I know teaching isn't my thing and as I spend more time in copyediting I realize that editing really isn't my thing either. So what am I going to do? I want to write books but that's so hard to get into. I need a job that will give me a regular paycheck. Librarian, maybe? I don't know but I'm in the market for suggestions. I'd rather be a college graduate who is actually working.

Next, my parents. I admit I haven't been acting like an adult when it comes to them. And I realize that needs to stop. I can't go forever avoiding it. It's just not going to work. And I can't sit here and make excuses but that's not gonna fix anything. I want my parents to see me as an adult so I guess I need to act like one towards them.

Lately, people's opinions of me have really been bothering me...my friends, my family, ex-friends, and even Michael. It's bad that I take into account so much what people think but people's perspective of you can give you insight into things about yourself that you don't neccessarily notice. And there are certain things recently that I'm not too proud of and totally contradict the person I've been trying to be. I guess I should apologize. And I sincerely mean how sorry I am.

I don't know if anything I said means anything to anyone, but at this very moment, it's the best I can do and I hope it was worth the time to write.

And It's the Life With You That I Love

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." ~Win Borden

I begin this entry with that quote just because it stands out to me. We are all guilty of waiting around until the moment presents itself to us. Why wait? If we're all waiting around for everything to feel "right" then how the hell will we ever live? Just a thought.

Life is still good. The semester is winding down so my weeks are filled with papers, presentations, and soon finals. I really can't believe freshman year is almost over. It went so fast and yet I learned so much. I guess that's the point of college. I had some hard times this year but I feel as if I bounced back pretty well. My life is back on a path that I'm fairly comfortable with.

I have this 10 page research paper coming up that I have to write and my topic is alcoholism. I chose it because I could relate to it from the background I was raised in. Also, I just want to understand it better. Anyway, I had to meet with my professor about it and we were talking about consequences and how wives may leave their alcoholic significant other and he brought up a point I had never even realized. What about the husband's needs? The wife may be doing what she feels is best for herself and her children, but the husband is a human being as well so what about him? Is she just supposed to leave him there to wallow in the addiction? What can you do when the person doesn't want help? All these questions are just dumbfounding me. I really feel this paper is gonna be more than the aggravation that papers usually are. I'm actually excited to write it because I know it will open my eyes to a lot.

Other than school, everything else is good too. I'm hoping to stay in Evansville for the summer. I've been filling out job applications and such for a summer job so I'm hoping to hear back from someone. Michael is still planning the big move for May 2nd and has an appointment with one apartment complex. It's hard not to get worried that it's all not gonna work out. But I have a tremendous amount of optimism and faith in the situation. He has a job already and it's just the apartment that needs to fall into place. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everything.

Our relationship is still the best ever. We get along too well. It's crazy. I get to see him next weekend and I'm super estatic. Plus it'll be Sunset Concert. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, my boyfriend, and my friends? Now that's perfection.

Also, I'm determined to do this whole eat healthy thing. I really just want to lose weight. So yes I've gotten off to a good start today but the day isn't over. It's always at night where I have the problem with snacking. It's all about self-control. So that's another big thing going on in my life.

I feel as if I've taken my life more into my own hands. And normally that would be kinda scary but I trust myself more than anyone and that's what keeps me grounded. I'm not scared to just go out and do something because I want to. It's quite fullfilling. Hopefully my life stays on this track and it just keeps getting better.