So, I was doing so well.
Counting calories, working out everyday, steering clear of junk food and soda.
Then, I just lost it.
Not only have I gained back the 7 pounds I lost but put on more weight. And that is just in two weeks.
I wanted to be a certain weight by my spring break, which is this week. But now that goal is marked as a fail and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. I don't even want to face my family at spring break now because I am so ashamed.
I don't ge it. Do I not have the self control?? It's like it's impossible for me to stick to it. I do so well and then BAM I fall hard.
And here I am feeling crappier than ever.
I am so tired of my weight issue. I just want it to go away. I don't feel pretty. I'm not happy with myself at all. And I'm tired of people telling me "You're not fat Mel" but they don't step on the scale and see what I see. They don't go into the fitting room and cry when that pair of jeans they wanted is a size larger now. They don't understand.
I have ALWAYS been a chubby kid. ALWAYS. I have talked of diets since 5th grade. I finally just stopped eating my junior year and got down to the thinnest I have ever been. Now I have gained it all back and then some.
I hate that I have battled with this my entire life. And I hate that I lose this battle everytime. I can't pinpoint what it is. What the hell is keeping me from staying on this?
This lifestyle is not working for me. I can't live like this. And my weight is just one thing.
There are so many bad choices I'm making. Somehow, I've just lost myself (or lost my connection with myself). This isn't how I want to live. I can do better than this, yet I don't.
It's breaking me down. I'm a happy person, yes. But then when I look at the overall picture of my life, I see all the stupidity I let into it. My weight is just one part.
I sit here and complain about so many things. But if I just shut up and took care of myself for once, maybe I would be a little happier and feel more confident in the life I'm leading.
I overlook and cast off all these challenges in my life and pretend they aren't there. Then when judgement time comes, I get mad at myself. When will I learn to step up and stop the dissapointment before I get to that point? When will I learn?
It's never easy mel! We all have challenges we face and there have been a lot of things that we all have failed at. Did you think I expected to be almost 22 with not so much as an associate's degree... Did I expect to be bigger than I was when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter... we just have to learn that sometimes Shit HAPPENS and we have to work past our screwups and wrong choices. We have to learn to stick with things and that even if we slip up, IT IS OKAY- life goes on- we can try again. You are a wonderful person and I hate to see you constantly battling yourself like this. I don't think you will ever succeed at your goals or truly be happy with your life or yourself until you learn to just roll with things- to just accept that you are beautiful and funny and smart and a great friend and a great girlfriend. Losing weight is a complete lifestyle change and its something you have to keep at even when you feel like a big failure. You have a lot of people by your side. I love you and please stop being so hard on yourself
ReplyDeleteand ps. I totally had a moment ilke this last night when I licked the bowl after making rob a cake and then ate a ton of chocolate frosting. I wanted to punch myself ugh...
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