It's posts like these that make me glad I don't have very many readers...
This post is really difficult for me to write, mostly because it's about something that I really struggle with-- my weight. And I really have not been honest with myself or anyone for that matter regarding this problem and it has become more than I can handle.
I mean I have always struggled. I have had my healthy years and my chubby years, but this is beyond being chubby anymore. This is more than just a "bad week." And I need to acknowledge it. I've tried diets and eating healthy and working out but when they don't produce any results, I just give up.
When it comes to my weight, I seriously lack consistent motivation and confidence. Years of emotional abuse has not helped with this, nor has the torture I put myself under. I have a lot of underlying issues that have really contributed to my weight. My "relationship with food" as they say is so unhealthy that I'm happier starving myself than allowing myself to eat healthy all because if I do eat, then I can't control how I eat for the rest of the day. My body is such a mess because I overeat and binge some days, and starve myself the next. Truth is, I don't know how to gain control and stop this cycle.
I don't even want to see my family anymore because I've gained so much weight that I'm too embarassed to show my face. My sister is thin as a model even after having a kid and my brother is super in shape. I'm the heaviest in my family and it tears me up so much inside. Looking in the mirror rips me to pieces so much that I've stopped. When I brush my teeth, I completely avoid my image. I am ashamed of myself.
At 5'9, I should weigh between 130 and 170 pounds. My weight? A whopping 270 pounds. That is at least 100 pounds I have to lose and I don't even know where to start. I need help. Yet, I am completely broke so I can't even go to a weight management specialist or a nutritionist.
I am one of the fat girls guys make fun of and girls look at and automatically feel better about themselves.
I can't do this on my own. I've tried and I can't get control of this by myself and I need help. I don't even know where to turn.
Truth is, I am a very unhappy person because of my weight. Sure, it shouldn't matter. But when you're obese facing high blood pressure and constant back problems, it matters a lot. And even as I sit here admitting the truth, I still don't know what to do.
<3
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