Conquer and Learn

"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, I find it funny I write more here than I do in my actual journal....man I should change that.

Anyway, just a quick update on life for anyone who actually reads this. Summer is still going well. I can't believe it's halfway over. It means before I know it, I'll be back sitting in my dorm, chatting with Kenz and procrastinating on homework. (Ah the joys of college life lol) I'm really excited for my birthday coming up. I'm having a party, which I've never been allowed to do and all my closest friends and Michael will be there. It's gonna be a blast. I really can't believe I only have like two more weeks left of being a "-teen". Craziness!

Kenzie and Haleigh drove up last week and we all hung out and had a blast. I've missed them since school let out., no doubt. I also got to see Christine for a few hours. It was great. Reminded me what great friends I do have and how much fun life can be.

Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows Michael and I went through a bad time. We broke up for a little while and I really thought it was going to be over because one thing after another kept happening. I want to make it clear, that we are not going into an on-off pattern. It's on for now and things are building back up to normal. I was reminded how much work relationships are. No relationship is easy no matter how much love there is and no matter how compatible a couple may be. That's just how it is. Hopefully that lesson will allow us to stay on track and keep working day by day.

There will be no apartment in August like I've talked about in previous posts. Michael isn't moving to Evansville in August like planned. So yes, the long distance relationship will continue, probably for another few months. I'm not exactly happy, but it's for a good reason. Michael has decided to enter a program (It's basically college except shorter) where he will be training to be a police officer. He's moving on to the campus and will begin classes and work as a secruity guard. By the end of the program he will have a certificate and be a liscened secruity guard. The program will take anywhere between two-six months. Michael is determined to finish as soon as possible. He's then going to enroll in the police academy in Evansville and that's when he will be moving. Then he'll complete his training and in two years chould be a police officer. I'm actually quite proud of this decision. Law Enforcement is a ver respectable career field and pays pretty well. So I'm really proud of him.

Slowly, as the summer progresses I'm getting my life to be more of what I want it to be. No more drama and no more wasting time on the past and the what could have been or should have been. I realized that when life changes as drastically as mine did, it takes awhle to adjust and get a balance back. I made lots of mistakes but I'm slowly fixing them and avoiding new ones. I need to rely on MYSELF and trust myself to live this life right. Trusting myself will allow me to, as Emerson mentioned, conquer a fear each day and learn along the way.

In Memory

"He spake well who said graves are the footprints of angels." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today marks 4 years since my grandma passed away. It also marks the first time I'm not spending the anniversary with my grandpa. I guess it's hitting me kind of hard. I hate not being there on days I should be there for.

My grandma and I were really close. Hell, I was at her and my grandpa's house everyday practically when I was younger. I can remember some good summers. Like Grandma braiding my hair into piggytails to keep it out of my eyes, or her trying to fit into my Little Mermaid swimming pool with me and my brother, her getting a puppy just because I couldn't have one, always having a camera in my face because she loved taking pictures (hence where I got it from), or her just always stressing the importance of being there for family no matter how many mistakes they make. She always wanted to keep our family close. I remember one time she took me out shopping and I thought she was stealing earrings but she just had an itch under her shirt. We laughed for hours. Her love of wolves and angels is still all over the house. She loved old country music and loved to tell me how pretty of a girl I was and how she would need to chase off the boys. She loved all my friends and always wanted me to get as much time with them as I could. She stresses me being true to myself and getting into college. Well here I am.... God I miss her.

I just hope I'm making her proud, ya know.

Death is such a sensitive subject for me. I hate knowing that I can lose people I love forever. I hate it. I hate knowing that this life that I love so much is gonna end some day. It scares me that I won't live it right.

I hate that my grandma missed my graduation or me getting into college because these are things that were as important to her as they were to me. She was never selfish. Never. I got a lot about life from her and I don't ever take that for granted.

Days like these make me strive to be the best person I can everyday and enjoy my life to the fullest because you never know when it's gonna be over. I want to be close to my family and friends and love with all my heart and no fear because that's what my grandma would have wanted.

So, in memory of my grandma, I love you and you're always in my heart and on my mind. I know you are watching over me and I miss you more then you could ever know.

R.I.P