Life?

"I'm so ashamed of defeat, And I'm out of reason to believe in me." ~Seether

I guess I need to update. I've been avoiding bloggin because there really isn't much to write about in my life lately. Good stuff at least.
It's been a struggle lately and I've been dealing and trying to work through it all. I've pretty much reached this point where I'm just standing still trying to decide what to do now.
The school year is almost over and I'm pretty sure my grades this semester have cost me the scholarship that got me here. I've accepted that and have a plan.
My best friend is leaving after this year and I really don't know what I am going to do. My relationship with Michael is just in the dumps and she was the only thing keeping me going and keeping my head up. And now she's leaving.
Michael & I aren't on the best of terms. I could sit here and tell the million reasons why but I'd rather keep it private. There really is no relationship anymore. We don't laugh anymore, or hold hands, or go on dates. If we kiss, it's a once a day occasion.
This isn't where I saw this ending up. But that's life.
I once again have no where to go for the summer since I will NEVER EVER set foot under my father's roof again. So I am staying here in Evansville with Michael and it worries me. This could either help our relationship by giving us some time to sort things out or hurt it by adding to the already deteriorating relationship.
I have sense of being lost. I have no idea where I am going or where I want to go and my life needs some serious change. This isn't where I want to be but I don't know how to get out.
I could dump Michael and start from scratch but considering our cicumstances, it's not that simple.
I know I will figure this out sooner or later and get myself back on track. I've done it before. And maybe this summer is what I need. It's not going to be a fun summer of rivers and going out.
But it may be just what I need. With Michael working so much and everyone gone, I'll have a lot of time to myself to work out my head.
I just need to get throught he next two weeks and see where it all takes me.

And hopefully, I can find some reason to believe in myself again.

How thin is too thin?

So I haven't blogged in awhile but something caught my attention and pulled at my emotions. I have a tumblr and one girl I follow is trying to lose weight. I haven't paid much attention to her blog until now. Today I decided to read some of her entries and it just shocked me. She is on a diet of less than 300 calories per day and fasting. Then I went on to look at some her followers and they are all starving girls who still think they are fat and gross. When is enough enough? As I was reading these blogs I found myself feeling scared for these girls and scared of the road an obsession to lose weight can pull people down. I have struggled with my weight and I have had more "fat days" then good days. But seeing how these girls (my age and younger) have let food completely consumed them just tore me apart a little. It's sad. So I say to them and those with the same struggle: If you are overweight and not happy with your body, PLEASE lose the weight in a healthy manner. Don't reduce yourself to nothing because you may feel like nothing. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. And no matter how thin you are, you will never be beautiful unless YOU think you're beautiful. Don't starve yourself to nothing. What are you proving? That you didn't know how to take care of your body when you were obese and you STILL don't know how to care for yourself? Please. Beauty comes from the mind. You are beautiful. Eating a cheeseburger won't change that.

Spring Break, Puppy, & more!

It's that time of year again. Yep, spring break!!!!
Oh how I am looking forward to a week of no class. Just saying.
Instead of going to visit my parents this time around, I am going to good ol' Portland, Indiana to visit my mom's side of the family. I really haven't spent any time with them since last Christmas so I'm excited to see my grandma and the kids.
Although I'm dissapointed in the lack of weight loss I wanted to acheive before I saw them again, I will be working on it over break and then fighting it head on once I get back to campus (and our free student gym).
Our puppy Prudence is going to the vet for the first time tomorrow morning. It's weird being the one to have this responsiblity. I've watched many in my family handle their dogs, now it's me. Weird, I'm an adult moment. She has to get her second booster and then she gets to go on her first adventure with me to Portland!
I'll miss Michael but honestly I think we need a little time apart after seeing each other every single day since he has moved here.
One thing that hit me is I have two months left of being a sophomore in college. Then I will be a friggin' junior. This is going too fast.
Since studying in Europe this summer fell through, I'm planning on taking a summer course to get ahead on my credits. With two majors and a minor that will definitley be helpful.
Also, I'm considering starting another blog for just weight loss stuff. I'll decide when I get back so I'll let you know.
Have a great upcoming week everyone =]

Me, Myself, & I

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Lately, I've been pretty much depressed. I really hate the feeling of depression. I like to be spunky and happy and full of sunshine. But since I stepped on the scale a week or so ago, I've just been dark and gloomy.
The other day I read this article our publications office wrote on body image [couldn't come at a perfect time huh?] And it said something about how we all want to be the image of ourselves that we have in our mind. That is beyond true. I definitely see myself completely different in my mind. Then when I step on the scale or look in the mirror, I don't see that girl and it depresses me.
I got to thinking. We all see ourselves a certain way. We all change to fit a certain mode whether that be skinny or smart or whatever the word may be. But really, we should be focusing on the person WE will be happy with. If you're happy at 200 pounds, or at 130, or at 105 then awesome.
It's not the number on the scale that defines me. I define me. Somehow I lost that perspective. And here I am, depressed because I'm going home to family I haven't seen in awhile bigger than I was the last time they saw me. They aren't going to love me any less and somehow I forgot that.
I guess my point is instead of changing, I should strive to be the best version of myself. Not just in health, but in all aspects of my life.
This person I am now, is not the best version of Melissa. And I have been blessed with the ability to change that and be the best I can possibly be.
This isn't about being my ideal weight, or having top grades, or any of that. It's about being happy with who I am and embracing that. There is only one of me, and if I keep tearing her down the way that I have been, she isn't going to shine like she should.
I need to let her shine. This involves living to the best of my capabilities. Studying harder, eating better, working out, taking care of the mold I call myself.
Because if I can't take care of her, who will?

Challenge... fail?

So, I was doing so well.
Counting calories, working out everyday, steering clear of junk food and soda.
Then, I just lost it.
Not only have I gained back the 7 pounds I lost but put on more weight. And that is just in two weeks.
I wanted to be a certain weight by my spring break, which is this week. But now that goal is marked as a fail and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. I don't even want to face my family at spring break now because I am so ashamed.
I don't ge it. Do I not have the self control?? It's like it's impossible for me to stick to it. I do so well and then BAM I fall hard.
And here I am feeling crappier than ever.
I am so tired of my weight issue. I just want it to go away. I don't feel pretty. I'm not happy with myself at all. And I'm tired of people telling me "You're not fat Mel" but they don't step on the scale and see what I see. They don't go into the fitting room and cry when that pair of jeans they wanted is a size larger now. They don't understand.
I have ALWAYS been a chubby kid. ALWAYS. I have talked of diets since 5th grade. I finally just stopped eating my junior year and got down to the thinnest I have ever been. Now I have gained it all back and then some.
I hate that I have battled with this my entire life. And I hate that I lose this battle everytime. I can't pinpoint what it is. What the hell is keeping me from staying on this?
This lifestyle is not working for me. I can't live like this. And my weight is just one thing.
There are so many bad choices I'm making. Somehow, I've just lost myself (or lost my connection with myself). This isn't how I want to live. I can do better than this, yet I don't.
It's breaking me down. I'm a happy person, yes. But then when I look at the overall picture of my life, I see all the stupidity I let into it. My weight is just one part.
I sit here and complain about so many things. But if I just shut up and took care of myself for once, maybe I would be a little happier and feel more confident in the life I'm leading.
I overlook and cast off all these challenges in my life and pretend they aren't there. Then when judgement time comes, I get mad at myself. When will I learn to step up and stop the dissapointment before I get to that point? When will I learn?

Love, Love, Love

"All you need is love." ~The Beatles

There are so many quotes, songs, movies, and much much more about love. And on Valentine's Day love gets its very own spotlight. But what is love exactly? And why does it need a commercialized holiday to be celebrated? Don't we feel and show love every day and not just February 14th?

Don't get me wrong. I love Valentine's Day. I love all the pinks, reds, hearts, chocolates, and teddy bears. Pink is one of my favorite colors and makes me feel all "warm and fuzzy" just seeing it everywhere. But as much 'fun' as all of this is, I could survive without Vday.

I celebrate love everyday. I love my boyfriend, my friends, my family, myself each and every day. And I show it. I show it through how I treat them, the time I dedicate to making them happy, and etc.

I don't need all the glitz and glamour to know that I love the people in my life and that they love me.

So my take on Valentine's Day? It's fun but if it never existed, I wouldn't miss it.

To everyone in my life, I love you with all my heart. You guys are the people who make my life worth living... who make me, 'love' my life. And for that, I don't need a day. I give you my love in return.

Have a happy Valentine's Day everyone. And if you love someone, don't just say it today. Say it everyday.
<3<3<3<3

Just a Picture of the Boyfriend and Me

Stepping Up to Life's Challenges

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

It's been quite awhile since I've actually blogged about anything. I must say, I've been going through a lot of things [mental and emotional] that have been occupying my attention, I guess. Between a stupid ex who thinks he knows me, school, and my weight, life has been on the borderline of good and complete crap.

The moral of this, I've realized, is I am not stepping up to my full potential. In fact, I've been downright lazy. I have been taking the easy way out instead of doing the right thing because it was/is "harder." And to be blunt, it makes me pissed at myself. No one else but my own self.

I can sit here and pity myself for not making the grades I want, or being the weight I want, or even letting my ex urk me the way he does. Or I can say to myself, "Hey dumbass, knock it off!" Because that's really what it all boils down to. Me.

It's my life. I can control my grades and my weight, and how an ex effects me.

I can start by studying and not blowing things off. Or eating junk when I know how it's going to make me feel in the long run. Or how about telling my ex to shut the f*** up and actually mean it.

Living in the past has gotten me NO WHERE. And it's gotten to the point where I just hate my life and how I've handled everything because I know I'm better than this. I am.

And I need to prove to MYSELF that I can be better than how I have acted.

I can do that. And I WILL do it.

My Challenge

After my last entry I decided to do a little research on what I could possibly do. Knowing myself, I figured I needed a plan that was stricter and more day by day oriented. Since the new year I've started writing everything down that eat, but that has proven not to be enough. I need something that will keep me in line and focused while MAKING me be patient.

So, I've decided on a six week plan of counting calories and going basically vegitarian. No more red meats like beef or pork. I'm only allowed lean meats like chicken and fish and since I don't like fish, chicken is my only option and I don't eat that everyday. More fruits and veggies are going to be put in my diet and less starchy and carb induced foods are being kicked out.

My plan is to MAKE myself do this for 6 weeks and at the end of the six weeks, if I've lost any weight I'll keep it going until I reach my goal. I think that having to write my calories down after every meal will not only be annoying but help with my impatience because I'll feel like I've accomplished something at the end of every day if I stay within my limit [1500].

And of course I'll keep track of it, week by week, here in my blog. I feel like a lot of people struggle accomplishing their weight goals because they are impatience for results. I'm hoping if anyone stumbles across this blog, it may help them.

I'll keep track of my progress in the side margin >>>

Keep reading to track my progress or follow along if you want to join in with me. I'll gladly accept distant diet buddies [an idea I got from something one of my closest friends Ash said] and let's see if I [or we] can fianally achieve that stubborn goal of weight loss!

Impatience is my Own Worst Enemy

Two blogs in a day? Yep, it's that kind of day.


The picture above is the size I used to be three years ago. It's the size I'm aiming to be back at. That's my goal. It isn't stick thin but it's healthy and I like the way I look.

But I'm noticing something about myself. I am WAY too impatient for my own good. I'm impatient when it comes to earning money, to losing weight, to doing ANYTHING really.

....And it is my downfall.

My impatience causes me to give up on things that thrive on patience to produce results. Who said I was going to be the size I want in two weeks? No one. It didn't take two weeks for me to gain it, so it's not going to take two weeks to lose it. Being impatient is what is hurting me and if I tackle that then the rest should be easy. Question is how do you stop being impatient? That's something to figure out. Like any bad habit it will most likey take practice. It will definitely be a life change. I just have to remember that patience will getme the results I want and will lead to a happier me in the long run.

One Closed Door May Lead to a Million Opened Doors

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."~ Helen Keller

Today I found out that there is just no chance of my going to Europe for the summer program. The payments aren't spread out enough for me to afford it seeing as most of my money has gone to rescuing Michael and my apartment situation/lack of money. He's finally got a stable job but there just isn't enough time nor money to replace it all by the deadline. With yearbook and homework I just don't have time to get a part-time job. So I guess this door of opportunity is closed. It just wasn't meant to happen.

Though I'm a little discouraged, I know more doors will open for me. One closed door isn't the end of the world and I'm not going to let it be.

Classes and the Beginning of the Spring Semester

So, there is no quote because this is simply a continuation of my last entry since I've had my first day of classes.

I'm pretty excited, to say the least. This semester I'm taking two courses for my Writing major [Literature and Short Story], two for my Psych major {Intro to Psych and Cognitive Science], and finishing up my foreign language requirement with Spanish 212.

The writing classes are very typical. Although, in lit we're reading Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" and a good amount of Hemingway which I love. They're two of my favorite classic authors. So, I'm very excited about that. In short story, we're writing four stories this semester so I'll definitely get my practice.

I'm really eager to get started on my Psych major. Both of my classes seem fairly straight foward and interesting. I heard CogSci was a beast. Hopefully it won't be that bad. In Psych we have to write one critical thinking paper from a list of topics and one of the topics is Child Care Attatchment and Development. I've never been excited about a paper before but I can't wait to dive into this especially since my focus is child development and such.

I had very negative feelings towards Spanish because of last semester but I like this professor so I think I'll enjoy Spanish more this semester. I'm ready to be done with it to be honest.

Overall, I feel as if this may turn out to be a good semester after all. I'm interested in all of my course topics so that'll definitley get me through it. I actually can't wait to get this semester going.

It's weird, but after these next 3-4 months, I'll be a junior in college. Crazy! Two more years after that I'll be done. Time sure does move fast. I think I'm starting to narrow down my options as far as post-college goes. I'll either go to grad school, work in childcare or social work, or start out at a magazine or freelancing. Either way, I'll figure it out.

The Bittersweet Ups and Downs of Second Semester

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." ~Winston Churchill

Well, my second semester of my sophomore year of college starts tomorrow and I can't help but feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I mean, I have a lot to be excited about. I'm starting my new major and continuing writing and I have some pretty interesting classes. Plus, it's my last semester of Spanish ever.

However, I didn't do so well last semester. My grades were definitely not what I expected nor did they reflect my best effort. In other words, I'm a bit discouraged. Also, four of my friends are studying abroad this semester and I'm kinda feeling the "I miss them" blues.

I can remember back in high school and all the years before that. I used to be so eager to learn and write and go above and beyond. Somewhere I lost that. I'm not excited to go to class [or motivated] and I haven't written or even read anything on my own as often as I used to. It's a little disheartening.

But with a scholarship to keep up with and money stresses, the pressure just takes away from the eagerness. I really miss being excited about something. And I miss having money to go out to eat and shop with my friends.

It's been a stressful last few months and I'm trying to stay positive about all of it but the question haunting me about this semester is: Is it going to get better or worse?

I want to be confident in things getting better but with the way things have been it's so easy to lose that confidence. My footing is very unstable where I am right now. A not-so-great gpa and a not-so-full bank account with expenses knocking at my door. Michael has yet to find a stable job since the Applebees problem and all of this rolled into one clump can really weigh on a person. I cna either let it take me down or fight it and keep my head up. It's obvious which is the better choice.

So, lets hope this semester is a turn around from the last.

Positivity: My Secret Weapon for the New Year =]

"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Hello to 2011!!!

I must say, I feel like this is going to be a great year. So many people are talking about bettering themselves and it's great to see. But one point a few people have been making is the new year isn't what gives you a fresh start. If you want to change, you should just do it. We shouldn't use the new year as an excuse. If you really want to change, then just do it.

I'm not much into 'changing' but 'improving'. There are so many things I want to do and a certian direction I would like to push myself in. I slowly began that path in 2010 but now I really want to take incentive and really push myself. I have resolutions sure, but they are goals I have always had. Now I want to push myself in the direction I've been leaning towards.

I am the only one who can take control. So I am the only one who can steer my life the way I want. I'm very lucky to have some amazing people in my life who give great pep talks and just keep me strong. I really do have some kick ass friends and family [you know who you are].

I am filled with so much positivity it's crazy. Granted, I'm typically a positive person but I have fallen off the wagon more than I like to admit. But I can honestly say that with my amazing friends, family, and boyfriend, I have a GREAT support system in my life.

I'm excited to embark on the journey of 2011 and see where I end up this time next year. Normally I'm scared of change but 2010 really taught me to embrace it and just let life take it's natural course. Change the things I can, accept the things I can't.

My motto for the year is to LIVE, LAUGH, & LOVE. And with such great people in my life, that wil definitely not be a problem. =]

'Tis the Season for Change

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~Maria Robinson

As the new year approaches I find myself paying more attention to my behaviors and reading entries from early this year. It amazes me how much has changed around me yet I'm still the same. Or at least I think I am.

In fact, I start to realize so many things I just dislike about myself. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but there's just so many aspects in my life that I feel I can improve on. There are a lot of times I feel out of control (Yet, being a control freak is not a good thing so maybe I should let this go) and other times when I feel like my heart is in something but my head isn't meeting it half way. Then I get to thinking more and I see how much I take for granted sometimes.

Maybe everyone feels this way around this time of year because having a "new" year pproaching makes you think of all the things you can change. Like, I complain A LOT. I don't mean to do it, I just do. And I definitely take what I have for granted because I'm never happy with what I have. I always want something else. A lot of my friends can testify to this because it annoys the hell out of them.

I see what I want for myself and my future but I don't feel as if I'm on the right path there. And that needs to change. I'm proud of myself and my life... sometimes. That "sometimes" needs to become an "all the time." I need to start living life for me and appreciating the things I have instead of complaining. This day last year my mind was in a total different place. A week from this day I was a mess and saw some of the darkest days I've seen in my life. I'm not sure if I believe in God or anything for tha matter. That's an internal struggle I've always had with myself, but something decided the path I was on last year wasn't right and it turned my life upside down. I still feel a little turned around once in awhile and I feel as if this is my year to put things back into place.

When I look at the big picture I see that in 2 and a half years I will be out of school and the real world will be right there staring me in the face. How am I going to face up?

It's these years before then that are going to determine that and I don't want to waste them.

I want to improve my relationships with the people that mean the world to me and improve the relationship I have with myself. I want to make 2011 COUNT for something. And those are my intentions.

No more hoping or saying, I want to actually DO something. I've been lazy and let my life fall back into a new pattern, now it's time to LIVE that pattern. You have to greet change with more change and that's my motto of 2011.