Conquer and Learn

"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, I find it funny I write more here than I do in my actual journal....man I should change that.

Anyway, just a quick update on life for anyone who actually reads this. Summer is still going well. I can't believe it's halfway over. It means before I know it, I'll be back sitting in my dorm, chatting with Kenz and procrastinating on homework. (Ah the joys of college life lol) I'm really excited for my birthday coming up. I'm having a party, which I've never been allowed to do and all my closest friends and Michael will be there. It's gonna be a blast. I really can't believe I only have like two more weeks left of being a "-teen". Craziness!

Kenzie and Haleigh drove up last week and we all hung out and had a blast. I've missed them since school let out., no doubt. I also got to see Christine for a few hours. It was great. Reminded me what great friends I do have and how much fun life can be.

Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows Michael and I went through a bad time. We broke up for a little while and I really thought it was going to be over because one thing after another kept happening. I want to make it clear, that we are not going into an on-off pattern. It's on for now and things are building back up to normal. I was reminded how much work relationships are. No relationship is easy no matter how much love there is and no matter how compatible a couple may be. That's just how it is. Hopefully that lesson will allow us to stay on track and keep working day by day.

There will be no apartment in August like I've talked about in previous posts. Michael isn't moving to Evansville in August like planned. So yes, the long distance relationship will continue, probably for another few months. I'm not exactly happy, but it's for a good reason. Michael has decided to enter a program (It's basically college except shorter) where he will be training to be a police officer. He's moving on to the campus and will begin classes and work as a secruity guard. By the end of the program he will have a certificate and be a liscened secruity guard. The program will take anywhere between two-six months. Michael is determined to finish as soon as possible. He's then going to enroll in the police academy in Evansville and that's when he will be moving. Then he'll complete his training and in two years chould be a police officer. I'm actually quite proud of this decision. Law Enforcement is a ver respectable career field and pays pretty well. So I'm really proud of him.

Slowly, as the summer progresses I'm getting my life to be more of what I want it to be. No more drama and no more wasting time on the past and the what could have been or should have been. I realized that when life changes as drastically as mine did, it takes awhle to adjust and get a balance back. I made lots of mistakes but I'm slowly fixing them and avoiding new ones. I need to rely on MYSELF and trust myself to live this life right. Trusting myself will allow me to, as Emerson mentioned, conquer a fear each day and learn along the way.

In Memory

"He spake well who said graves are the footprints of angels." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today marks 4 years since my grandma passed away. It also marks the first time I'm not spending the anniversary with my grandpa. I guess it's hitting me kind of hard. I hate not being there on days I should be there for.

My grandma and I were really close. Hell, I was at her and my grandpa's house everyday practically when I was younger. I can remember some good summers. Like Grandma braiding my hair into piggytails to keep it out of my eyes, or her trying to fit into my Little Mermaid swimming pool with me and my brother, her getting a puppy just because I couldn't have one, always having a camera in my face because she loved taking pictures (hence where I got it from), or her just always stressing the importance of being there for family no matter how many mistakes they make. She always wanted to keep our family close. I remember one time she took me out shopping and I thought she was stealing earrings but she just had an itch under her shirt. We laughed for hours. Her love of wolves and angels is still all over the house. She loved old country music and loved to tell me how pretty of a girl I was and how she would need to chase off the boys. She loved all my friends and always wanted me to get as much time with them as I could. She stresses me being true to myself and getting into college. Well here I am.... God I miss her.

I just hope I'm making her proud, ya know.

Death is such a sensitive subject for me. I hate knowing that I can lose people I love forever. I hate it. I hate knowing that this life that I love so much is gonna end some day. It scares me that I won't live it right.

I hate that my grandma missed my graduation or me getting into college because these are things that were as important to her as they were to me. She was never selfish. Never. I got a lot about life from her and I don't ever take that for granted.

Days like these make me strive to be the best person I can everyday and enjoy my life to the fullest because you never know when it's gonna be over. I want to be close to my family and friends and love with all my heart and no fear because that's what my grandma would have wanted.

So, in memory of my grandma, I love you and you're always in my heart and on my mind. I know you are watching over me and I miss you more then you could ever know.

R.I.P

Happiness in Imperfection

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." ~Unknown.

I really wish I knew who said this quote because it is one of my favorites for sure. It's so true. Life is not about perfection. It's about making the most out of the imperfections and finding what makes them work. Life is better imperfected I think. It makes it a more adventurous ride.

Today has been a great day and what have I done? Absolutely nothing. Routine trip to Wal-Mart with the sis and niece, work, time with the brother and niece, and then friend/Michael time. I've had a very balanced day really.

My question is that I'm pondering is why do we put so much emphasis on the stresses in our life? My weight, money, car stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah. In the end, it's all everyday technicalities that can be worked through. But what really makes life worth living day to day?

For me, it's this:

Waking up to my two year old niece banging on my door at 8 a.m. My sister and I cracking dumb jokes on the way to run errands still finding a way to laugh until our cheeks hurt even though running errands is no fun. My brother in law snoozing on the couch like a boulder totally impossible to even move. Getting an im from my friend Haleigh that turns into an "I miss you!" fest between her, Kenzie, and me and a possible get together being planned out. Talking about how bad our asses are on Facebook for all my friends to see with Cyndi and Clarissa. A totally sweet messege from my friend Jess. Skyping with Shannon and planning a trip to Georgia with Michael to see Ashley, who I've recently reconciled with and couldn't be happier about. Staying up late until Michael gets off work just to get a phone call in before he falls asleep even though I've been awake since eight thirty.

This is my day. And even though I can sit here and be crabby about waking up or not seeing my friends as much or whatever else, it doesn't even matter because all this made my entire day amazing. The great thing is, these were all tiny things that added up.

So why linger in minuscule, fixable, therefore pointless imperfections when I can take in all these little things and make them add up to one hell of a day that leaves nothing but happy feelings?

My point exactly.

Mistakes

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them." ~Winston Churchill

I am not wise. If I was I would have learned the first time. And the second time. And then the third time.
It's hard to see how other people perceive you. It's hard to see yourself through their eyes. I wish I could because then so much would be different.
I seem to push everyone away with how I act and then I sit here wondering why they left. Because I made them. I've lost some friends I really cared about and loved having in my life. Now it's too late to get any of them back.
I had one of the best military wives as a friend and somehow I screwed it up because I had to write a stupid blog and be immature about a situation that could have been fixed. Now that's one less friend I have that I actually cared about having. I still think about it and even though I try not to regret things...this is one thing I kinda do. I think about trying to apologize but I would probably be wasting her time. She would never want me back as a friend and I have to live with that.
I ruined my first love by driving him away and then blaming him for everything. Sure, he made his mistakes but they didn't happen until I made mine. I think back to everything and no wonder he didn't pick me. I wouldn't have even picked me. And now I have to live with that too.
So yeah, I'm not wise. I didn't learn from past mistakes to become a better person. I blamed everyone else without seeing my own mistakes. I've been waiting for karma to come back around and wondering why things keep going wrong in my life and it's because karma has already come back around. I lost a great friend (plus some others) and a love that could have worked out if I had realized what I was doing to the relationship.
Now here I am doing the exact thing to my current relationships that I did to the others. So yeah I'm not wise. I've been stupid, jealous, and immature and it's too late to fix any of it. So now I'm stuck living with the knowledge that I did these things and now I can't change them or fix them.
I used to be happy. I used to think I had it all figured out. And now I've let myself down and I let a lot of other people down too. I talk about the poison that was in my life and really it was me poisoning my own life.
Why do I do this? Why do I act this way towards the people closest to me? Why can't I just be normal and let people enjoy being around me? Why do I have to sabatoge the good things in my life? And why do I blame others? Why do I have to not realize it after all is said and done and people have moved on while here I sit? Here I sit.
Funny how realizations come too late and don't make any difference when you really need them to.
To end this blog, I can only say this: To those who I have acted unforgivable to (if you even take the time to read this) I'm sorry for everything and I truly feel the regret I should have felt back then. I'm sorry I let you down.
Maybe I can start being a little wise now and make up for the mistakes I've made.

A New Thought For a Better Change

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Englebreit

So, I haven't written in awhile but there has been a reason for that. I've had so much stuff going on and I knew if I wrote I would just sit here and complain about everything so I didn't wanna do that. Complaining gets you no where.

Anyway, I guess I should update on everything that's been going on. My mom took my brother and left my dad. She went to Indiana. It was so easy to be angry at her because I came back to Missouri and then they left without even trying to see me and they have had these plans for months apparently. I was mad and felt abandoned that I can't see my own mother and brother for lord knows how long. They may come back, they may not. Who knows. It's weird because the three of us always stuck together and now I'm an odd ball out. That didn't help how angry I was. But I neglected to think that this is a chnage good for THEM. I already left and moved on. I already cut my ties. Now it's there chance. I should probably be proud of my mom for getting that far. Do I think it's permenant? I don't know. She'll get a break from dad and then think it's all better and go back. I don't think my mom will permenantly ever leave dad until James is graduated and moves in with me as the supposed plan says. But like I said, who knows?

I've been missing my friends a lot lately too. And not just my friends that I talk to everyday but ones that I don't talk to anymore or barely talk to. It's hard to forget about good times and then know that there won't be anymore with those people. It sucks but oh well. That's life. The people in my life now are the ones meant to be there.

My weight has been another thing. Even though I've lost almost ten pounds since I've been on summer break, I still hate the body I see in the mirror. And Michael hates it because like the great man he is, he just thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. But his opinion only matter so much. It's my opinion of myself that matters and I don't have the opinion I want.

And then things with Michael went through a rough patch and we're just now coming out of it thank god and hopefully we keep coming out of it. I think a lot of it came from me being so depressed about everything else and pushing him away. I just like to deal with things myself and he was there trying to help when I didn't want him to, but I finally realized that he was the one person I did need and after everything he still is. So yeah, hopefully we're coming out of this rough patch.

But now to refer to my quote. I need to start looking at the things I want changed and change them and change my way of thinking for the things I can't change. I'm in charge of my own happiness and dwelling on the past and the things I can't change which is why this quote is one of my favorite quotes.

Oh Life, How You Fly By!

"Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted." ~John Lennon

So I really can't believe it's already late May. Time is going by so fast, it's crazy but I'm lovin' every second of this summer.

Life here at my sister's is great. I'm getting so much time with my niece Maci and she is starting to get attatched to me. She's the cutest little thing ever. Kelli and I are getting closer too which is great because that's the way sisters should be. I definitely don't regret coming here for the summer (plus the look on Kelli's face when I'm driving is just too funny =P)

I love the job I got for the summer. It's at Maci's day care/school. I work as a teacher. The kids even call me Miss Melissa (although most of the time it comes out as Miss Wissa). Haha. It's such a fun job. I've always loved being around kids though because there is never a boring moment. I really do enjoy it. I'm hoping to find some freelance writing work to go with it, that way I can build my writing experience. That would be more than perfect. Not to mention, it makes me happier that now Michael and I are BOTH working. Hello apartment in August!!!!

Life is going pretty good and I'm still as happy as ever. My grades second semester got me a 3.5 gpa which had me jumping up and down. I was so happy. Time is flying by and it's definitley not being wasted. I still have so much I'm looking forward to.

Life is B-E-A-UTIFUL. =]

Goodbye Evansville, Hello Foley [for a summer]

These are just some pictures from the ride back. Michael and I were being goofs.

Hearts As Free As Toes

"Summer is where the girls go barefoot and their hearts are as free as their toes." ~Anonymous

As my freshman year has come to an end and summer is starting there's so many feelings and reflections that occur. Its crazy. I'm excited for summer, even though I'll miss Evansville. I've begun to feel at home and even though they don't have a triumphant arch and Cardinals' baseball, I love this city.

I normally don't like summer because I'm just not one for hot weather, but I have a feeling this is gonna be a good one. I'm gonna make it a good one. Flip flops, baseball, concerts, barefeet, BBQ, the river, family, friends, and love. What's not good about that?

I've decided to spend the summer with my sister Kelli.[!] I'm really excited to spend it with her, my brother in law, and niece. It's gonna be great.

Summer does leave me with some goals. With a break from school I have more time to focus on things that I've been meaning to get done and things that are just coming up. So I've decided to make a list and I'll definitely write about each as I complete them. Now that's determination. [=P]

~Summer Goals 2010~

~Driver's license

~Car

~Lose weight [!]

~Save for Harlaxton and just save money in general

~Apartment hunting! [more Michael's goal than mine]

~Catch up on reading

Let the summer begin!

Winding Down

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis." ~Margaret Bonnano

So, I only have a week left of my freshman year of college and I can't believe it. It's crazy how fast time goes by and this year flew by. I have so many experiences and lessons I've taken from this year it's unbelievable. I've made friends, I've lost friends. I got my heart broken, I got it strenghtened. I fell out of love, I fell back in love. I cried, I laughed, I loved, I lost, I lived. It's amazing.

As things are winding down I'm faced with more decisions. What do I do for the summer? I want this summer to be my best yet and I have a good feeling that it will be. I'm waiting to hear back about this RA job. If I get it then I'll be able to stay here in beautiful Evansville. If not, then I've decided to go back to St. Louis. My dad is being a butt about that so I'll most likely end up staying with my sister and working in Foley. Either way is fine with me as long as I have a good time and make even more memories.

My last entries have been kinda crappy cuz I've been kinda crappy, which is why I chose that particular quote. You gotta take happiness day to day. When I really look at it, my life is going fairly well.

Michael is working so he'll be able to get an apartment in no time. We are still going strong. My grades are looking good for the end of this year. I have amazing friends and a good family. And I was definitely reminded of all this just this past weekend.

Sometimes we neglect to really cherish the things we already have. There's bad days, yes. But why focus on the bad things that happened that day when you can focus on little things that add up to a lot like a Wal-Mart run at midnight with friends, a phone call from your boyfriend just to say he loves you cuz he was thinking about you at work, or your mom saying she misses you. These things are little but they add up to a lot. They add up to your happiness at the end of the day.

I definitely look forward to more crazy-fun times with my friends, sweet moments with my Michael, and good times with my family. In the end, it's what makes life worth while and I see no problem with that.

Trouble Sleeping and Loneliness

"It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise." ~Eric Hoffer

Two entries within one day? Yeah that's right. I guess I just needed to write. Plus I can't sleep. And I'm feeling kind of lonely. And that always leads to thinking.

I'm still just worried about everything. I wanted to talk to Michael about it all but of course he was too busy. It's so weird. When I was an Army girlfriend, I was able to just deal and take care of myself and I got used to the loneliness. For some reason I lost that talent. I kind of wish I had it now. I have a feeling I'm going to be needing it. It's the distance again. I don't know why. I went through a deployment for christ's sake! Maybe it's because we were supposed to be getting things ready for an apartment but now... I don't know when we'll have it. I just wish things would fall into place. Not just for me, but for everyone. I want everyone to be happy. I want my best friend to get to see her boyfriend soon because she's missing him so much. I want my ex to be having a happy marriage. I want my old friends who I've lost or who I've just grown distant with all to be happy and getting what they wanted.

I just want it all to fall into place. I want my sacrifices and tears to mean something in the end. It scares me that it won't. Failure is always a fear.

I feel on the verge of tears and I really can't explain why. Stress? PMS? Realizations?

This is what it's like to be an adult. Taking thingd day by day and hoping for the best while working through things day by day. In the end, I just want to be the best person I possibly can. I want to be strong and I wanna be doing the right things for myself. I just want to succeede and hang on to happiness.

I don't know. I'm probably just rambling. Maybe I should stop. It's just I CAN'T SLEEP and I want to sooo bad. I'm not used to going to sleep without talking to Michael first. God it's only his first day and I'm already being a baby about him being too busy. I'm trying to keep in mind its toward our future but I don't know. I just really needed to talk to him tonight. And of course the thing you need is never available. I'll just get used to it I guess. I wish I still had that army girlfriend strength I used to have. I have no clue where it went. I miss it though.

Sigh...

Worries, Worries, Worries

"I won't worry my life away." ~Jason Mraz

So the semester is winding down and my body and mind has become a bottle of worries.

Every little grade to me is a chance to earn or lose my scholarship. I'm working my butt off to keep my grades up and the pressure is getting to me. I'm re-taking tests I don't so well on. I'm reading non-stop. I'm constantly pondering all my papers and all the things due. Constantly. It's not fun.
At least I only have 3 finals out of 5 classes That helps, I guess.

I had a job interview today for a summer job on the RA staff and I'm a bundle of worries that I'm not gonna get it. I did my best at the interview and I think I handled it well for it being my first job interview ever. I'm worried because I NEED this job. It's good pay and good experience and lets me stay in Evansville. I NEED to be able to stay here. If I don't get this job, I really don't know where to go next except off to my grandma's where I'm isolated from all my friends, from Michael, and from freedom. That just can't happen. I NEED this one thing to go right for me. If nothing else goes right I at least want this to.

Michael started his new job today and it's weird barely talking to him throughout the day. It's gonna take some getting used to, I guess. I was an army girlfriend for two years. THis is nothing compared to how that was.

I guess I'm just being a worrywart. I'm afraid nothing is gonna go right and it makes me nervous. Michael getting the apartment in May already fell through and I think it's got my cautious about everything else.

I guess I should keep in mind those very insightful words of Mr. Jason Mraz.

Was This Worth the Time to Write

"Life in true sense is perceiving or thinking."~ Aristotle

Sometimes we just have to sit back and think about things to make sense of them. Life is filled with so much going, going, going that sometimes we neglect to sit back and actually THINK about what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we neglect to savor the moment. And sometimes a little thought could have led to a better decision.

I've just had a few thoughts tumbling around in my mind that I guess I wanted to address. It's more for just peace of mind I guess. Since tomorrow is the beginning of a new weeks, I guess you could call it cleansing.

I realize I'm not a perfect person. I never thought that I was. I've made a lot of mistakes and decisions that maybe I'm not too proud of, but the fact of the matter is life goes on. If I could stop time and just re-do some things, I still would never change a thing because I'm learning from every moment.But the learning is an everyday process. I'm still not the person I wish to be.

One thing that's really been bugging me is certain comments people keep making about my relationship with Michael. Okay, yes I was "in love" with someone else just two months before I started dating Michael. Does this make me look bad? Most likely. Does it make me look fickle? Yes. Does it make me look as if I'm rebounding? Yes. I realize all these things and I acknowlede it. But what people don't realize is I didn't plan to be in a relationship right now. If you look at previous entries, I had planned to be single for awhile. That's what my intentions were. And if Michael wasn't in my life, I would still be single and I can guarentee that because I didn't want another relationship. I told Michael this numerous times. This relationship was not in my original plan. I was gonna focus on school and then go to my grandma's for the summer and that's what I had planned. People aren't getting that though and all they wanna do is judge. And it's really not fair because what they think is not how it went down. And I don't know why I'm gonna sit here and explain this but I'm only going to do it once. Yes, I loved Steven. But it was a love I formed when I was seventeen. I hadn't had much experience considering how my parents were and all that, but yes I was with him for two and half years and I had planned on marrying him. Things didn't turn out that way obviously. He got back from deployment, ended things, and married someone else all within a month. And I'm the fickle one? Things had gotten bad in the last 6 months of his deployment. Our relationship had been over for awhile before it was officially over. The love we once had was already gone. It took a lot pain to open my eyes. And looking back, I'm not angry anymore and I'm not bitter. But what people don't understand is Michael has ALWAYS been there. Even after I hurt him, he never left. He always wanted to be with me and I was blinded by everything with my ex that I never saw it or took the time to consider it. That was one of my biggest mistakes. There are people who look at me as if I'm doing something wrong by opening up again and being happy and in love. There is no time limit on how long it takes to fall in love. What do people expect me to do? Still be sitting here trying to get over my ex? No. It wasn't worth taking the time. I accepted it and I moved on. That's what you do in life and now I'm happier than I was before. I want my friends to see that aspect. Things change and things happen that open your eyes to stuff. That's what happened with me. I didn't go out and hook up with the first random guy I saw (which I could have easily done, it's college), I didn't run out and get married, nor did I rush into anything like that. I cried my tears, accepted what happened, went on with my life, and then Michael came in and told me how he felt. For weeks I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. And then one day I just realized life was too short to just sit there and miss out on something that could be good. And here I am now.
For anyone who wants to say that my feelings aren't real or this relationship isn't real, I want to remind them that these are MY feelings. Not theirs. And I'd appreciate that people would just step back and stop judging. I know what I feel and I know what HE feels and that's what matters in the end. I'm happy so if you're my friend please jsut accept that and be happy that things turned out better for me than I had ever planned.It just happened that way. I'm not fickle and I'm not rebounding,

Another thing that's been on my mind is what I'm going to do with this writing degree that I'm in the process of earning. I know teaching isn't my thing and as I spend more time in copyediting I realize that editing really isn't my thing either. So what am I going to do? I want to write books but that's so hard to get into. I need a job that will give me a regular paycheck. Librarian, maybe? I don't know but I'm in the market for suggestions. I'd rather be a college graduate who is actually working.

Next, my parents. I admit I haven't been acting like an adult when it comes to them. And I realize that needs to stop. I can't go forever avoiding it. It's just not going to work. And I can't sit here and make excuses but that's not gonna fix anything. I want my parents to see me as an adult so I guess I need to act like one towards them.

Lately, people's opinions of me have really been bothering me...my friends, my family, ex-friends, and even Michael. It's bad that I take into account so much what people think but people's perspective of you can give you insight into things about yourself that you don't neccessarily notice. And there are certain things recently that I'm not too proud of and totally contradict the person I've been trying to be. I guess I should apologize. And I sincerely mean how sorry I am.

I don't know if anything I said means anything to anyone, but at this very moment, it's the best I can do and I hope it was worth the time to write.

And It's the Life With You That I Love

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." ~Win Borden

I begin this entry with that quote just because it stands out to me. We are all guilty of waiting around until the moment presents itself to us. Why wait? If we're all waiting around for everything to feel "right" then how the hell will we ever live? Just a thought.

Life is still good. The semester is winding down so my weeks are filled with papers, presentations, and soon finals. I really can't believe freshman year is almost over. It went so fast and yet I learned so much. I guess that's the point of college. I had some hard times this year but I feel as if I bounced back pretty well. My life is back on a path that I'm fairly comfortable with.

I have this 10 page research paper coming up that I have to write and my topic is alcoholism. I chose it because I could relate to it from the background I was raised in. Also, I just want to understand it better. Anyway, I had to meet with my professor about it and we were talking about consequences and how wives may leave their alcoholic significant other and he brought up a point I had never even realized. What about the husband's needs? The wife may be doing what she feels is best for herself and her children, but the husband is a human being as well so what about him? Is she just supposed to leave him there to wallow in the addiction? What can you do when the person doesn't want help? All these questions are just dumbfounding me. I really feel this paper is gonna be more than the aggravation that papers usually are. I'm actually excited to write it because I know it will open my eyes to a lot.

Other than school, everything else is good too. I'm hoping to stay in Evansville for the summer. I've been filling out job applications and such for a summer job so I'm hoping to hear back from someone. Michael is still planning the big move for May 2nd and has an appointment with one apartment complex. It's hard not to get worried that it's all not gonna work out. But I have a tremendous amount of optimism and faith in the situation. He has a job already and it's just the apartment that needs to fall into place. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everything.

Our relationship is still the best ever. We get along too well. It's crazy. I get to see him next weekend and I'm super estatic. Plus it'll be Sunset Concert. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, my boyfriend, and my friends? Now that's perfection.

Also, I'm determined to do this whole eat healthy thing. I really just want to lose weight. So yes I've gotten off to a good start today but the day isn't over. It's always at night where I have the problem with snacking. It's all about self-control. So that's another big thing going on in my life.

I feel as if I've taken my life more into my own hands. And normally that would be kinda scary but I trust myself more than anyone and that's what keeps me grounded. I'm not scared to just go out and do something because I want to. It's quite fullfilling. Hopefully my life stays on this track and it just keeps getting better.

Parents: How Do I Make Them Understand?

So, Michael and I have been dating a little over a month now and I have yet to tell my parents. They just know that I was considering it, and not that me and him have been dating that long already.

I don't know why I'm such a pushover when it comes to my parents. I swear I don't have a rebellious bone in my body. It sucks because I feel so held back by my parents sometimes and they always make me second guess things.

I still wish they didn't wanna control every aspect of my life. I could care less about my dad. It's my mom that gets me. She just wants to control who I date and she freaks out every time. I know she just wants the best for me and just doesn't want me to get stuck with a loser guy. But she should just understand that it's my choice and I wish she would trust my decisions because I am capable of making them myself and being smart about it.

I've already proved that I'm a responsible and mature adult. I got myself into college. I'm working two jobs and keeping track of all my finances. I've accomplished more on my own than I ever did there.

It urks me and I'm even more nervous about Michael because I REALLY want them to like him. He's come such a long a way and is so amazing. Plus he just makes me really happy and isn't that's what matters?

I've never been this happy. He keeps me motivated for school and he's always there when I need to listen. He's everything my mom has told me time and time again that I deserve. My grades are way higher than they were last semester because of a lot of help from Michael. He keeps me grounded and focused on what's important. He always makes sure I put him last.

I sound like I'm trying to convince them here, but in the end I gotta suck it up and tell them. It's my life, right? I'm in control, not them.

"The Fact is, One Grows Out of People, and the Only Thing is to Face It"

"It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people, and the only thing is to face it." ~W. Somerset Maugham

I seem to be missing my old friends lately. Ya know, the friends you have in high school who you swear and make pacts with that you'll always be best friends. It's weird that back then high school seemed like it was never gonna end and then you hit college and adulthood and high school just becomes...well...high school.

The best friends I had in high school, I don't even talk to anymore and when we do talk it's awkward. I didn't notice how distant we all had grown until I talked to Jasmine who was my high school best friend and I realized how much out of the loop I really was. It's really weird how just months ago we knew every little detail about each other's lives, now we barely know who is dating who.

It just made me realize how I'm barely friends with anyone I used to be friends with. Sure, we talk now and again but that's not the same as actual friendship.

When I was going through a rough break up, only a select few people were there (you know who you are). But where was everyone else? It's sad to me how you can be so close to someone and then it all changes. I try to keep in touch with everyone but after awhile they just seem too busy to care so you just stop trying.

As I grow older I've noticed that you no longer have that huge group of friends, you have those select few people who you KNOW are gonna be there and will take the time to check up on you no matter how busy they get or how far they are. Those are the true friends.

Losing touch with old friends is life I've learned. It just happens. I just have to be grateful for the true friends who do stick around.