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So it's been a little while since I've written last. Not much has happened.

I've been working part-time at the library. Went through the interview process for another job BUT alas I didn't get it. However, I saw the other day that the Central Library here in Evansville is hiring and I am way qualified for that job. So, I've got my fingers crossed on that one. If I get that job than I can pretty much stop worrying about money since I really just need another part-time job to be bringing in enough moolah.

My summer has had it's ups and a few downs. I was rejected for the school loan that pretty much paid for the rest of my school expenses. I took a day to be angry and cry and whine but then I moved on. So what? I didn't get what I wanted or expected. People suck. What's new? I'm not going to let it ruin my summer.

But it has showed me how great my parents are. My mom has always been great, but I actually have to give my dad some credit. He did everything to make sure I got there to my brother's graduation. Even bought me a new dress. All of which is very uncharacteristic of him. And when all this loan stuff happened, he went to the library and him and my mom got a bunch of books on paying for college, something they haven't done in the whole 3 years. Things with my dad have been rocky. Ant the past is always going to be there. I know he hasn't "changed" and he probably isn't going to but for the time being he's being a pretty great dad. He's never been real supportive of me being in college. he's always seemed indifferent to the whole thing but lately he's been trying to do everything to make sure I finish. They're still unemployed and it's hard so they can't financially support me. But I never wanted any money. They've been here and that's made all the difference.

Yeah, there has been some downs and I'm still struggling with some stuff but beside all that my life has been pretty awesome. My family has been great, my friends are great and it's those people who are making this whole ride worth it.

I'm not where I want to be yet, nor am I exactly the person I'd like to be but this whole growing up and living is pretty worth it when you have a bunch of great people to share it with.

He's Not So Little Anymore!

Here are some pictures from my baby brother's graduation. After car trouble, clothing malfunctions, and everything else in between, it was great seeing him walk across that stage. I'm so proud of him!!!

 

Me in my new dress before the graduation

 

my momma and me

 

class of 2012

 

James walking across stage

The Graduate

Dad, James, me, James, our sister Kelli, & niece Maci[/caption]

He's so proud!

 

4 years of hard work!

A Letter to Myself

Outside of blogging, I also keep a personal journal that I write in old school style. Today I had some things on my mind so I wrote out a letter to myself of things that I've learned or picked up that I want my future self (and present, of course) to always remember. I'm sharing it here on my public blog because I was reading it, I thought maybe others could relate and may find some things to take away from it. Enjoy :)

Dear Future Self,

There are a lot of things I need you to remember if we are going to live a full, happy life. You can't be good enough for everyone nor can you please them. Live for you amd the people who love and deserve you will join in along the way. Be grateful for something everyday; it will keep you humble. Talk to those who love you each day; it will keep you grounded. You only get one body, take care of it. You're happiest when you're healthy. People come and go but the ones who are meant to be there always be there.  You are never given anything you can't handle. You were given this life because you are strong enough to lead it. Laugh always. Shrug off pointless stuff and cherish the big and small things that enrich your life. Especially the small things. Do what you love. Never settle for less. You always deserve better. Only keep those in your life who bring out the best in you. Life is too short to be anyone but the best possible version of yourself. Be at peace with the past and embrace the person it made you no matter how much heartache it may have taken. Forgive always, it frees you. Fall in love with your world and don't miss out on those beautiful imperfections each day brings. Define your own perfection instead of uses everyone else's definition. Love with your whole heart and never let it scare you. Love is always good. It's the things we fear that are most worth the risk. Sing in the shower; never be afraid to hear your own voice. Smile often even when you feel like frowning. Cry when your sad and vent when your mad; bottled emotions always backfire on you. Explore every opportunity that you can. Look forward to your somedays, live for the now, and cherish your yesterdays. Be kind; a good deed may make a whole world's difference to someone who needs it. Never judge. Mistakes are lessons learned and should never be dwelled upon. Dance in the rain or in the sun; the choice is always yours. Exercise contorl over what you must but accept when it's better to leave it up to fate. Don't live in black & white or shades of gray; find color. The golden rule is gold for a reason. Never take part in jealousy; Be happy for what others were blessed with. Everyone deserves happiness, don't waste time envying them when you could be finding your own. Love yourself unconditionally or no one else will. You are first and foremost, your own best friend. Find your balance, not just any balance. Pick yourself up every time you fall. Never speak cruely or harsh; kinder tounges get farther in life. Be honest with yourself. Trust instincts, you have them for a reason. Respect every opinion but never fake your own to fit someone else's. Learn to be thankful for the bad because without it, you wouldn't know the good. Always thank your parents, no matter what mistakes they've made. Don't hold grudges, they take away from your time spent living. And above all, stay true to yourself, your beliefs, and always keep faith.

Random Things My Best Friend May Not Even Know

I wanted to write a fun entry today because I'm in a pretty good mood so I thought this would be fun. Here is a list of random things about me that people (even those close to me) may not know:

• My default ringtone (for now) is "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin Degraw. Special people get special ringtones like my parents are "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, my Grandma is "Dirt Road Anthem" by Jason Aldean, and my sis is " Savior" by Rise Against.


• Someday, maybe after I retire, I want to start my own animal rescue.


• My favorite colors are pink, purple, and yellow.


• I may be a writing major who reads a lot of Literature but I really love Nicholas Sparks (Don't judge!)


• I am 21 and still can't type without looking at the keyboard.


• I am a river city brat- every city I've spent major parts of my life in have been on rivers.


• I've never been out of the midwest.


• I'm a picky eater.


• In the summer, I get a little obsessed with buying popsicles.


• I hate buying clothes for myself.


• It takes me forever to do math in my head and I still count on my fingers.


• I still listen to 90's pop music regularly


• I can't fall asleep if my feet are covered.


• I actually keep every card I get and keep them in a huge box.


• I reorganize things constantly because I get bored with things if i don't


• I can't think clearly if my apartment is messy


• My favorite age was 17


• Semi trucks scare me


• I am claustraphobic.


• I grew up listening to classic rock like Bob Seger and Pat Benetar, spent my pre-teen years with Britney Spears and Hilary Duff, teen years with Bullet For my Valentine and Three Days Grace, and since I've been to college Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw, and Carrie Underwood. Needless to say, my iTunes have variety.


• I was in a band called "Lil' Angels" in elementary and middle school lol.


• Barbies were my favorite toys as a kid.


• My perfect sundays are rainy ones.


• I actually really love school and a life without homework and classes scares me a little.


• Sunflowers and Pink Roses are my favorite.


• My favorite month is October.


• I've NEVER been stung by a bee.


• My grandpa's house used to be pink. (It's an ugly beige color now lol)


• I love grass.


• As far as I know, I don't have any allergies.


• I used to write a lot of poetry and song lyrics.


• I really want to learn how to play piano.


• My favorite scent is coffee and vanilla because it reminds me of my mom and grandma's house.


• The only bone I've broken is my pinky finger.


• If I could, I would love to be a stay at home mom who writes novels.


• My ideal house is yellow.

I could keep listing random stuff but I'm sure you've had enough of me lol Have a great day everyone! <3

Just Me

It's not a new story to anyone. We all struggle with who were are, who we were, and who we want to be. And sometimes we know who were are but we struggle with loving that person so we fight against it and try to be versions of ourselves that just don't work.

Sometimes, it's a matter of looking in the mirror and accepting yourself in whole whether it be your big hips, an inability to sing, or the fact that you still love the Backstreet Boys. If that's what you like, don't stray from it. Embrace those hips, sing if you want, and blast BSB. Don't hide what makes you the person you are.

It's all simple enough to say, but I just like anyone have really struggled with accepting and loving the person I am and was meant to be. I struggle with my body and my personality. I always think of what others are thinking of me even if I don't care about that person. It's hard to learn to let go and be yourself fearlessly. Hell, it's hard to be fearless. But sometime, we gotta wake up and think, hey life is too short. Why am I sitting here wasting it trying to be a version of myself that I'm not?

Truth: I'm never going to be thin, BUT I can be healthy. Truth: I don't have a true bitchy bone in my body. I'm a nice girl and I always am going to be that no matter who screws me over, leaves me out, or completely blows me off.

I'm "nice." I care how people are doing even when they couldn't give a single care about whether i'm even still alive. I send messages to former best friends congratulating them on getting married even after they kick me out of their wedding because I'm not living a way the deem acceptable. I shrug off things even when someone has hurt me because they left me out. I ALWAYS include people no matter what. That's who I am. And for awhile I've tried to fight being that nice girl becuase I've watched people who do shitty things get what they want in life. I've watched some pretty mean and not so great people get what they want. Truth is, no one gets what they deserve in life. I didn't deserve the father I had. My friend doesn't deserve her husband to deploy. but IT HAPPENS.  and people who are just plain rude get to walk around with perfect lives and be asses to those of us who actually care what kind of people we are.

"Be Kind."

That is the motto I live by and I'm going to stick to it. I'm going to go out of my way for people who don't return the favor and I'm going to be there for people who aren't always there for me. Why? Because the world needs more people to be kind. Not spiteful, negative, and bitter.

I believe in putting into the world what you want and that's how I will live. I will be positive when no one else is and cast all the negativity from my life. I will respect myself foremost and not allow others to treat me any way than how I've treated them. Life is about finding your balance like that between being nice to everyone and knowing when to stand your ground. And it'll take me some dissapointments, heart ache, and some dashed expectations but I'll find my ground and when I do I'll stand there firmly and proudly.

The Beginning of the End

I am officially a senior!
Dreadful junior year is finally over... okay it wasn't that bad but still. This was a stressful year. Between a lot of money problems, two of my best friends being gone, and other friends flaking out on me, this year kinda sucked BUT I ended it with pretty good grades so it wasn't all bad. Just a lot of lessons learned.
I'm pretty excited for summer. I'm working part-time at the library again and am in the process of setting up a second job. I'm ready to build myself back up financially and working is the best way to do that. I'm getting an apartment with my former roommate/one of my best friends so I'll need the money plus I have a lot to save up for like some road trips, a car, and hopefully the summer writing program in Europe next year. It'll be my last chance to do it so I'm praying I have the funds this time plus it'll be after I graduate so that'll help with some money.
Also, I'm planning on writing my little hand off this summer because I'm going to send stuff out to magazines and journals like crazy. I have a year before the real world hits me hard and graduate school is looking less and less like a possibility so I need to build up that resume.
Needless to say, I have a busy summer ahead of me. Not to mention I'm going to St. Louis in a couple of weeks to see my baby brother graduate high school. Seems like yesterday it was me walking across that stage.
If anything, this year proved to me that you gotta fight for what you want. Don't sit around waiting for things to happen, go make them happen. Life is gonna push you around and you're nothing unless you push back. I lost a lot of friends this year, a few I considered some of my best, and I finally had to learn to do things on my own and rely on myself. I'm sad for the losses and wish them the happiest of lives just like I am going to pursue the happiest of lives for myself. This year proved who my TRUE friends are and it also proved that even people who you think are true can turn on you in a split second. I was forced to finally trust myself and do best for me. And everything that happened over this year has just contributed to the person I need to be.
All in all, I'm a better person because of it and I'm grateful for that. So, thank you to those people who were there when I needed them and stuck around no matter what. It meant a lot and I am forever grateful. Love you all.
Here's to the start of a wonderful summer! :)
p.s I may be changing to wordpress but not sure yet. So I'll keep you posted on any changes when they happen!

Honey Bee

In my Creative Non-Fiction class, we had a small assignment that included us writing about ourselves in third person (try it, it's harder than you think). Once I started writing, it got me thinking about my name.
As I've expressed before, I'm not entirely religious. I claim myself as Agnostic but even that isn't quite fitting. At this point in my life, I'm not religious but I'm against being so. I've been exploring that aspect of my life. Although I'm not quite sure whether I believe in a God as defined by the Bible, I still believe a life is not complete without some aspect of spirituality. So although I don't exactly believe in a "big man upstairs," I do however believe in a higher power of some sort whether that be a God, fate, or even just chance (Like I said, I'm still exploring). Anyway, I don't know what out there causes things to happen, but I believe it all happens for some reason.
I say all this because my CNF assignment got me wondering whether I'm named the way I am because my parents liked the name, or if there was some unconcious reason, my mom was drawn to the name "Melissa."
For those of you who don't know, my full name is Melissa Dawn Nelson. My mom told me she chose this name because it was either Melissa or Michelle and she went with Melissa because it felt right. My middle name is because I was born at the crack of dawn on a sunday morning. Fairly simple reasoning, huh?
"Melissa" is of Greek origin and it translates to "honey bee." According to Greek mythology there was a nymph named Melissa who discovered how to use honey. She was one of the nurses who also took care of baby Zeus, who later in his adult years, transformed her into a beautiful bee. Other myths credit the nymph Melissa as introducing modesty into mankind. Melissa is also the name of the moon goddess who took suffering away from women giving birth (pretty cool huh?).
As interesting as that history is, I used to hate my name.  It's just so common and there's nothing special about it. But the more I studied my name's origin, and related it to the woman I have grown into, the more I was able to find some reassurance and comfort in it.
I have a fear of bees. I downright hate them and I am definitely the girl who runs if a bee flies even a foot nearby. Now I'm gonna go all Writing major on you (just a warning). If you interpret that, it's kinda interesting. My name means honey bee, yet I run from bees. It's almost a metaphor for I've been kinda running away from myself. And when I look at the way the past few years of my life, I find some sense in that interpretation. It's a little freaky how closely it ties into my life.
Then there's my middle name, Dawn. Sunrises are the epitamy of beautiful. But somedays, the sun can easily be concealed by the clouds, hidden behind those dark masses. Kinda depressing. But the same as me. I am shy and I really have a hard time letting my colors show. Somedays I allow myself to be completely shielded by the clouds. I mask myself behind classmates, family, friends and slip into the spaces trying to be unseen. But when I stop peaking out from horizons and allow myself to be fully immensed in my life and who I am, I realize how full of color I am and how bright I really can shine among my peers. This all sounds so cliche and that may make this uncomprehensible but to me, it makes perfect sense.
There is no scientific reason why bees can fly. Their bodies are too heavy for their wings so they shouln't be able to take flight, but they do. And somedays that's how I feel. Like I'm not meant to fly, or in less cliche sounding terms, succeed. But like the bee, I can. And that offers some comfort to this crazy thing I call my life.
I am a 21 year old woman majoring in writing in a little city in southern Indiana. To the world, I'm a nobody. Just a sun forever shrouded in the clouds. But to my mom, or my brother, or my friends, and one day to my future husband and kids, I'm full of color and a sunshine that shouldn't be forced behind dark clouds, or a bad mood. I am full of so much warmth and love and do everything whole heartedly like the nymph who nursed baby Zeus. I may be quiet to a lot of people but when I burst out from that horizon, I'm a whole world of color and possibility and dare I say, beauty. And like the honey bee, I will learn to fly even when everything says I can't or I shouldn't be able to.
Going back to my religious beliefs, or in my case, spiritual, I mentioned I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. I was given my name for a reason. My mom said I could have been named Michelle. Michelle, the female version of Michael, translates to "Who is like God." Oddly, my dad's name is Michael, my dad who has lost his way on many accounts. Who I am nothing like. Kinda funny why my mom picked Melissa instead of Michelle at last minute huh?
To alot of people this whole entry will seem really dumb and contrived. But I know there are some who will understand my unorganzized, oddly formed ideals. And just for fun, you should look up the history of your own name. and see if its story fits like mine.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Just for fun because I like this song :)
http://youtu.be/IhkPcplBvO8

Goodbye One Tree Hill

Yes, if you are not a One Tree Hill fan, this is going to seem like the lamest post in the world, but who cares.
Tonight is the last episode EVER of my favorite tv show. Yes, it is just a show. But since I was 13 this show has had such a huge impact on me.
I grew up watching these characters and their struggles and triumphs. And as a writer, it's inspiring that these characters, who started out as words on a computer screen has touched so many lives.
It's crazy how a TV SHOW can have such an impact. I mean it's just a show but then again it's so much more. Just like a book is just a book or a movie is just a movie. A painting is just a painting and a song is just a song. Yet all of these things can touch anyone a certain way.
My teenage years kinda sucked especially with all that was going on with my dad, but an hour once a week, I had an ESCAPE. It was my home away from reality. I could tune out the drunken yelling and angry shouting and get lost in a world where these characters had their own problems with not so perfect parents and not so perfect lives. Yet it showed that, things get better. And they do. Life goes on, people make mistakes, yet it's never too late for second chances. It's never too late to go back and fix things.
I related so much to each character in different ways, especially Peyton. It's freeing to see pieces of yourself on a tv screen and seeing those characters navigate their way to happiness and dreams come true.
Am I being a bit melodramatic? Probably to someone who hasn't watched this show or thinks it's just a lame teen drama. But think of a book, a movie, a song, or anything that has touched your life. It's that same feeling.
I owe a lot to this show. I wouldn't say it made me who I am today like a lot of people are claiming but it helped me survive. It helped me see that there is always a bright light to every dark tunnel. That happiness is attainable when you let go of your fears and just go after what you want. It gave me a new perspective on life when my perspective was pretty dark. From 13 to 21 is a significant gap in my life and I'm glad I had a show like One Tree Hill to grow up with. It definitely is a defining part of my teenage years and the lessons I took from it will stick with me and those characters will always be in the back of my mind. Not because I'm a crazy fan girl, but because some guy sat down and used his words to create something that inspired a whole lot of people.
One day, if I can write something that can inspire people one ounce as much as One Tree Hill has inspired me, I'd call myself pretty successful.

#GoodbyeOneTreeHill

My Lifelong Battle

I apologize for this entry being a little heavy. For the the past few days, I've had this really weighing on me. Before that even, this topic has always weighed down on me.
Sometimes in the rush of life, it's easy to forget but it's always there like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I try to be a pretty positive, upbeat person, but like anyone I fall short. And I always will. But unlike a lot of people, I don't bounce back from things like I should. I dwell on them and let them beat down on me. Like anyone I'm not perfect, but instead of realizing that, I hold everyone in my life up to this unnaturally high standards and then compare myself to them. All of my life I have struggled internally with myself about who to be, which is normal. But it's hard to feel good about anything I do when I look in the mirror and don't love the person staring back. It's really been an issue for me in relationships, friendships, and just in my personal perception of who I am.
Last night, I wrote a paper for psychology about the study of happiness and why others are happy while others aren't. One psychologist studied 4 aspects of the question. I won't bore you with all of the psychology mumbo jumbo, but basically happier people are people who hold themselves to their own standards instead of placing themselves up against their peers. I am guilty of ALWAYS comparing myself against the people in my life. And it contributes to how I see myself.
A friend gets engaged, I feel like crap about my love life. A friend gets a better score in a class, I dismiss my whole academic career as sucky. It's a problem and I feel like I'm stuck on this merry-go-round of self-loathing. It's like I intentionally break myself down and blame everyone else for it.
When someone walks out of my life, I blame myself. I sit and nit pick at every little flaw I have that may have drove them away. When someone becomes closer to another friend, I compare myself to that person and bash myself for not being as fun, as smart, as thin, or as talented. When my ex dumped me and married someone else, I went into such a dark place because I compared every little thing about myself to this girl I had never even met. I allowed myself to go into this dark place instead of stepping back, looking at what made me great and moved on. I'll admit, to this day (2 and a half years later), I still find myself looking in the mirror and thinking why her?
It pains me that I've wasted so much time downing myself and looking at everyone else. And it's been a big struggle that I still haven't gained any type of control over. I take EVERYTHING personally, EVERYTHING. And this attitude is taking over my life. I have this image of who I want to be but truth is I hold myself to such high standards that when I make the tiniest mistake, I give the whole thing up and dwell on it.
I'm trying to be as honest with this and mself, as I can. This attitude is really becoming a problem in my life and I struggle everyday with negative thoughts. I put myself so low on the pole that it's no wonder people walk all over me like they do. And it's made me a jealous person, not spiteful, just jealous. And I don't like being that person. I don't like yearning after what someone else has when I have my own life that could be just as great if I took my head out of my ass to see it.
In past entries, I've touched on this before. I've touched on just wanting to be happy. But honestly I'm nver going to be because the standards I hold myself to are so unrealistic. I CAN'T be my sister, or any of my friends, or the girl Steven married, or even just a random passerby. I was given this life because it is what was meant for me and I'm sitting here in this cloud of self-hatred. I'm driving people away. I'm driving myself into deeper problems than I could have ever imagined.
It's tough to realize that my weight has gotten the way it has becuase I don't love myself enough to even try. I think, "oh well, I'm always going to be fat and ugly so why bother?" And it's thoughts like those that are killing me internally.
I'm so trapped inside my own head that I suffocate myself. I don't know how to break free of myself and start appreciating what I have to offer the world. It's so frustrating that I can't just allow myself to let go and be Melissa. This struggle is something I've battled all of my life and yeah, I can sit here and blame the emotional abuse my dad caused me, but I've lived away from that for 3 years now. This is my choice. I have the control over who I want to be and how I want to think but instead of taking hold of the reigns, I let myself fall short of what I could actually be capable. If I spent as much time doing things I loved and letting myself free as I do hating myself, this would be a whole different entry.
21 years and I'm wasting it and that's what kills me. How do you just let go of the pain and the doubt and the standards? How do you stop yourself for holding yourself back when you've been doing it for so long? How do you love the person that you are when you spend so much time hating her?

ABC's of Me

Just thought I'd do this for fun. You should do it too! Make it a blog entry and copy the link to a comment on this post or post it as a comment :)

A- Art- I really enjoy art. Drawing and painting mostly. It's a hobby mostly.

B- Baseball: my favorite sport ever. Definitely a Cardinals fan, born & raised.

C- Cooking: I love it! Especially when I'm doing it for someone else.

D- Dogs are my favorite animals (and Dolphins are a close second)

E-

F- Friends & Family are pretty much my world. I put everyone first before myself (which gets me into trouble) but I love the people in my life even when they walk away or aren't as great.

G- Goofy pretty much decribes me. I'm clumsy and kinda ditzy at times. I think I'm come off as ditzy at least.

H- How I Met Your Mother is my favorite show right now (now that OTH is ending)

I- Italy- I would love, love, love to travel here. This is my dream honeymoon.

J- Jason Aldean is my favorite country singer.

K- Kids are my second passion. If writing doesn't work out, I'll most likely go into pre-school teaching or childcare.

L- Liars are my biggest pet peeve. Honesty is my number one policy. I like people who tell me how it is and don't waste time with games.

M- Mandy Moore: I idolize her tremendously. If I could befriend any celeb, it'd be her.

N- Neat-freak: I can't function is things around me are cluttered or messy.

O- One Tree Hill- my favorite t.v. show and gulity pleasure. Don't judge!

P- Pink-my favorite color!

Q- Quiet: I am a very quiet person until I warm up but once I do, I'm as outgoing as anyone else.

R- Red- I like to wear red a lot because it was my grandma's (now deceased) favorite color on me.

S- St. Louis, Missouri: My hometown and as much as I say I hated it, it has a special place in my heart.

T- Twizzlers are my favorite candy

U- University of Evansville: my college

V- Vehicle- I love ford mustangs, chevy cobalts and trucks.

W- Writing: my major and hopeful career path

X- X-ray- I've only had one and it s when I was six years old for a broken pinky.

Y- Youtube: I have a Youtube channel where I sing. It's kinda unknown since I don't like to share it.

Z- Zoo animals- I love the seals :)

New Look!

I wanted to change things up so I hope ya'll like the new look! I do!
I wanted to make my blog look a little more "me" so enjoy.
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

There are a lot of things I want out of life. When I think of a happy life I see myself surrounded by good family and friends, a few dogs (all adopted from shelters), my writing degree hanging in an in-home office/library, photo albums full of travels throughout Europe and places in the US interspersed between adventures with those I love; a wonderful guy by my side, and a healthy me.
I've talked a lot about where I'm going after I graduate in a little over a year. The options are endless. Right now, the plan is to move to northern Indiana around the Muncie area. My grandma is getting ready to retire and with my aunt and uncle busy working, they need help with the kids. Plus, I think after 4 years of being away from my family and learning some pretty hard lessons, I need to be back in my comfort zone for a little while. As far as work or grad school, I'll be applying to Ball State to see if I get into their English program. Also, I'm going to take the Praxis exam to get certified to teach pre-school as a back up plan to writing. Slowly, but surely, I'm weaving out the details.
But outside of the school and career aspect of my budding life, there's something more. Something that I despite the importance of writing and working with kids, would leave my life lacking.
What I want most out of my life is to be a mom.
For years I watched my own mother struggle with my dad, always putting us kids first. That kind of love is unimaginable. Seeing a part of yourself grow and learn the ins and outs of life has to be the best thing a person can witness. And truthfully, I don't think my life would be complete without becoming a parent.
I'm in no rush. The point of being a good mom is also having the right timing and making sure my life is in the right place. But when that day comes, I will be overjoyed.
Kids are a beautiful thing and it's wonderful to see life and the little things adults take for granted through their eyes.
Sure, I could be a pre-school teacher, or a writer, or even a librarian, but the greatest job I could have is to be a mom.

The Journey of Being a Senior in College Begins!

Wow, I am on a blogging roll apparently.
Yesterday I registered for Fall semester senior year classes! Super exciting. As of now, my schedule is going to look something like this:

1. Renaissance and 17th Century Literature

2. Genre Fiction Writing

3. Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy

4. 19th Century Women's Literature

5. Twentieth Century Art History

Looks like a pretty awesome schedule to me.

With fall registration done, a FREE All Time Low concert in April with friends, a summer job already lined up, and Kenzie coming back from Europe in the near future, things are looking pretty good right now. :)

Pour Your Heart Out: The Trouble With Love

**My good friend Ashley has done these on her blog before and I have considered doing it in the past but haven't. So, after checking out this blog (which is great, by the way) and out of my restlessness for a little change, I've decided to start Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays. We'll see how long I keep up with it.**

Looking at my old blog entries, it is no mystery that I haven't had luck with guys or love or just dating in general. Any one of my closest friends will tell you, I SUCK at picking guys.

It's like the genes or brain triggers that control attraction are all out of whack in my body because I seriously am attracted to alll the wrong guys. In my case, it truly is easier to be single.

As a psychhology major turned minor, I have considered that the history I have with my dad and my how my parents' highly dysfunctual relationship may have had on me. And there is some answers in this history. So, does that mean, I'm not biologically programmed to find my prince charming? Will I NEVER pick the right guy?

Yes, those questions are a bit extreme for a 21 year old college student who hasn't truly begun living yet, but it's hard NOT to ponder.

I haven't been reduced to crying in a corner living off of Ben & Jerry's declaring "I will NEVER EVER EVER find love" (now, that would be extreme). I know that I am a good person with a big heart but as a lot of people tell me, I sell myself short. I guess it's hard to find a guy who will love you unconditionally when I don't really love myself to that extent.

As cliche as it sounds, it's a bit dumb of me to even expect any one, let alone guys to treat me the way I want to be, when I don't give myself that same treatment. I'm not a confident person nor do I really have the best of self-esteem. I can recognize that I am a good, genuine person but when it comes to pointing out the things that make me extraordinary or special, I draw a blank.

I don't always speak up for myself. And I have a tendency of letting others walk all over me and take me for granted. Maybe that's put a stamp on my forehead that only jerks can see. It would make sense. If I am jerk to myself, then i'm only going to fall for the jerks.

It's a long road to self-confidence but one day I'm going to realize what's so special about me and I'm going to fall in love with it.

Maybe this only makes sense in my head, but in order to allow myself to fall for the right guy, I've gotta let myself be the right girl. I've got to fall for Melissa. It's like my own personal struggle and I'm making myself the "nice guy who finishes last." But like in the movies, the nice guy gets the girl in the end so with a little re-writing and some new casting, maybe I'll stop letting myself come in last.

Melissa <3

100th Post!

Wow, it's been awhile. Time for some catching up!
Life has been a roller coaster since my last entry; LOTS of ups and downs.
First, I've had to move into a new place because of some "unforeseen circumstances" that happened with the apartment I was living in. Basically, stupidity, laziness, and just misjudgement forced me into finding a new place to live. So, now I'm all moved into a new place and life has calmed down a bit. It's an apartment that was attached to the back of my boss's house that she was renting out. It's not perfect but for the most part I like it (A lot better than a cardboard box on the street I would say).
I've talked about the issues I was having with paying my school bills. Well, a few days ago I finally had to suck up some courage and talk to student accounts about my situation and was pleasently surprised. They were very understanding about it and basically just had me sign for another loan (which is gonna bite me in the butt 2 years from now), but it cleared most of what I owed and put me back in good standing. I cannot stress how much of a weight lifted this was!!! I feel like I can focus on finishing off my junior year now and maybe enjoy these last two months.
Speaking of finishing junior year, I met with my advisor yesterday about senior year classes (EEK!!!) and after my fall semester of senior year I will be DONE with my major. I am BEYOND excited. I keep thinking about walking across that stage and being handed a DEGREE. To many, it's just another momentous occasion. But for me, graduating college is THE momentous occasion. It's all I ever dreamed about in high school. My mom encouraged me so much because she wanted to see me do things that she didn't and it's so fullfilling to know that in a year, my mom will watch me complete something she has wanted more than anything for me. I'll be the first in my family to have a college degree and the accomplishment is one that I hold dear to my heart. It makes me think back to when I chose college and as much as I did it for me, I know it did it for my mom just as much.
Obviously, I'm very excited about senior year. Junior year has put me through some hellish things, mostly as aftermath of my crappy decisions last year. And I want lie, it has been ROUGH. I've considered dropping out and moving back home some many times. But honestly, I took my situation for granted.
In the past two months, a young firefighter (about my age) lost his life on duty. Also, tornadoes ripped through Indiana (It was pretty scary especially as towns were being demolished around me). There was one incident in particular that really struck me. There was a story about a family in Salem, IN that really hit me. The mother was 20 and the father was 21. They had 3 beautiful children all under the ages of 4. When one of the tornadoes ripped through their town, it took the lives of this young couple and two of their children. Their youngest child, a 14 month baby girl named Angel, was found in a cornfield 10 miles from her home in critical condition. Of course she was rushed to the hospital, and two days later, she died as well.
The story of the firefighter and this family really hit me. These people were YOUNG; my age. Yet, one was risking his life for others and the couple was raising a family. And they lost their lives. And 3 children didn't even get a real chance to even live their lives. And here I was complaining about some stupid incidents that were complicating my life when it could have been so much worse. And after I heard about that baby girl dying, I just lost it and balled my eyes out. It really opened my eyes to how much I take for granted and it definitely put things into perspective.
In the midst of what was happening with my apartment, one of BEST friends who I've known since my sophomore year of high high school told me (basically, but this paraphrased) that my life was too much of a mess and she was done being a part of it. She kicked me out of her wedding as her bridesmaid and we haven't spoken since. And honestly, I was crushed. I try not to be a needy person but recently I have needed my friends now more than ever and she just turns her back on me? I was bitter and angry for a week and then that story about that family popped up in the news and I felt stupid for even caring.
Point is, there is no reason to focus on the little things. If someone wants to chose to walk away, then let them. If someone wants to be fake, let them. Why dwell on it? Yes, I'm sad that I lost one of my best friends but I'm not going to sit here and pity myself because SHE made the choice to walk away. Just like I'm not going to sit and dwell on all the other people I expected to be there when I was in need and who weren't. I learned a hard lesson about true friends and I know who mine are now more than ever. And honestly, I learned the hard way to just let things be. I try to be a good friend to everyone in my life. Yes, I fall short sometimes but I NEVER just walk away from someone. And I don't deserve ANYONE in my life who is going to do that to me. I can accept mistakes and shortcomings. But I will not accept someone who makes the choice to not be around or someone who doesn't even try. End of story.
In other news, things have seemed to start to fall into place.  Kenzie and I are getting an apartment together for our senior year and I am SUPER excited! Also,  I have lost 13 pounds so far (EEEEKKK!!!). So, I am beginning to see the bright end of the tunnel.
Life is mysterious and everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. There is a reason why certain things happen and why certain people stick around and why others don't. And life is too short to sit and dwell on it all. Just accept it, bounce, and move on. And LIVE. That is a philosophy that I have needed to be kicked in the ass with.

100 posts ago, I said, "I've been through a lot in my life. Some of it amounted to nothing, but in the end I see it's amounted to the person I am now so that must be worth it... In the end, I'm me. I'm here and I'm strong and I regret nothing. Nothing at all."
And although a lot has happened over these 100 posts, this thought still rings true. And it always will.
Thanks for reading!