Pour Your Heart Out: The Trouble With Love

**My good friend Ashley has done these on her blog before and I have considered doing it in the past but haven't. So, after checking out this blog (which is great, by the way) and out of my restlessness for a little change, I've decided to start Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays. We'll see how long I keep up with it.**

Looking at my old blog entries, it is no mystery that I haven't had luck with guys or love or just dating in general. Any one of my closest friends will tell you, I SUCK at picking guys.

It's like the genes or brain triggers that control attraction are all out of whack in my body because I seriously am attracted to alll the wrong guys. In my case, it truly is easier to be single.

As a psychhology major turned minor, I have considered that the history I have with my dad and my how my parents' highly dysfunctual relationship may have had on me. And there is some answers in this history. So, does that mean, I'm not biologically programmed to find my prince charming? Will I NEVER pick the right guy?

Yes, those questions are a bit extreme for a 21 year old college student who hasn't truly begun living yet, but it's hard NOT to ponder.

I haven't been reduced to crying in a corner living off of Ben & Jerry's declaring "I will NEVER EVER EVER find love" (now, that would be extreme). I know that I am a good person with a big heart but as a lot of people tell me, I sell myself short. I guess it's hard to find a guy who will love you unconditionally when I don't really love myself to that extent.

As cliche as it sounds, it's a bit dumb of me to even expect any one, let alone guys to treat me the way I want to be, when I don't give myself that same treatment. I'm not a confident person nor do I really have the best of self-esteem. I can recognize that I am a good, genuine person but when it comes to pointing out the things that make me extraordinary or special, I draw a blank.

I don't always speak up for myself. And I have a tendency of letting others walk all over me and take me for granted. Maybe that's put a stamp on my forehead that only jerks can see. It would make sense. If I am jerk to myself, then i'm only going to fall for the jerks.

It's a long road to self-confidence but one day I'm going to realize what's so special about me and I'm going to fall in love with it.

Maybe this only makes sense in my head, but in order to allow myself to fall for the right guy, I've gotta let myself be the right girl. I've got to fall for Melissa. It's like my own personal struggle and I'm making myself the "nice guy who finishes last." But like in the movies, the nice guy gets the girl in the end so with a little re-writing and some new casting, maybe I'll stop letting myself come in last.

Melissa <3

100th Post!

Wow, it's been awhile. Time for some catching up!
Life has been a roller coaster since my last entry; LOTS of ups and downs.
First, I've had to move into a new place because of some "unforeseen circumstances" that happened with the apartment I was living in. Basically, stupidity, laziness, and just misjudgement forced me into finding a new place to live. So, now I'm all moved into a new place and life has calmed down a bit. It's an apartment that was attached to the back of my boss's house that she was renting out. It's not perfect but for the most part I like it (A lot better than a cardboard box on the street I would say).
I've talked about the issues I was having with paying my school bills. Well, a few days ago I finally had to suck up some courage and talk to student accounts about my situation and was pleasently surprised. They were very understanding about it and basically just had me sign for another loan (which is gonna bite me in the butt 2 years from now), but it cleared most of what I owed and put me back in good standing. I cannot stress how much of a weight lifted this was!!! I feel like I can focus on finishing off my junior year now and maybe enjoy these last two months.
Speaking of finishing junior year, I met with my advisor yesterday about senior year classes (EEK!!!) and after my fall semester of senior year I will be DONE with my major. I am BEYOND excited. I keep thinking about walking across that stage and being handed a DEGREE. To many, it's just another momentous occasion. But for me, graduating college is THE momentous occasion. It's all I ever dreamed about in high school. My mom encouraged me so much because she wanted to see me do things that she didn't and it's so fullfilling to know that in a year, my mom will watch me complete something she has wanted more than anything for me. I'll be the first in my family to have a college degree and the accomplishment is one that I hold dear to my heart. It makes me think back to when I chose college and as much as I did it for me, I know it did it for my mom just as much.
Obviously, I'm very excited about senior year. Junior year has put me through some hellish things, mostly as aftermath of my crappy decisions last year. And I want lie, it has been ROUGH. I've considered dropping out and moving back home some many times. But honestly, I took my situation for granted.
In the past two months, a young firefighter (about my age) lost his life on duty. Also, tornadoes ripped through Indiana (It was pretty scary especially as towns were being demolished around me). There was one incident in particular that really struck me. There was a story about a family in Salem, IN that really hit me. The mother was 20 and the father was 21. They had 3 beautiful children all under the ages of 4. When one of the tornadoes ripped through their town, it took the lives of this young couple and two of their children. Their youngest child, a 14 month baby girl named Angel, was found in a cornfield 10 miles from her home in critical condition. Of course she was rushed to the hospital, and two days later, she died as well.
The story of the firefighter and this family really hit me. These people were YOUNG; my age. Yet, one was risking his life for others and the couple was raising a family. And they lost their lives. And 3 children didn't even get a real chance to even live their lives. And here I was complaining about some stupid incidents that were complicating my life when it could have been so much worse. And after I heard about that baby girl dying, I just lost it and balled my eyes out. It really opened my eyes to how much I take for granted and it definitely put things into perspective.
In the midst of what was happening with my apartment, one of BEST friends who I've known since my sophomore year of high high school told me (basically, but this paraphrased) that my life was too much of a mess and she was done being a part of it. She kicked me out of her wedding as her bridesmaid and we haven't spoken since. And honestly, I was crushed. I try not to be a needy person but recently I have needed my friends now more than ever and she just turns her back on me? I was bitter and angry for a week and then that story about that family popped up in the news and I felt stupid for even caring.
Point is, there is no reason to focus on the little things. If someone wants to chose to walk away, then let them. If someone wants to be fake, let them. Why dwell on it? Yes, I'm sad that I lost one of my best friends but I'm not going to sit here and pity myself because SHE made the choice to walk away. Just like I'm not going to sit and dwell on all the other people I expected to be there when I was in need and who weren't. I learned a hard lesson about true friends and I know who mine are now more than ever. And honestly, I learned the hard way to just let things be. I try to be a good friend to everyone in my life. Yes, I fall short sometimes but I NEVER just walk away from someone. And I don't deserve ANYONE in my life who is going to do that to me. I can accept mistakes and shortcomings. But I will not accept someone who makes the choice to not be around or someone who doesn't even try. End of story.
In other news, things have seemed to start to fall into place.  Kenzie and I are getting an apartment together for our senior year and I am SUPER excited! Also,  I have lost 13 pounds so far (EEEEKKK!!!). So, I am beginning to see the bright end of the tunnel.
Life is mysterious and everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. There is a reason why certain things happen and why certain people stick around and why others don't. And life is too short to sit and dwell on it all. Just accept it, bounce, and move on. And LIVE. That is a philosophy that I have needed to be kicked in the ass with.

100 posts ago, I said, "I've been through a lot in my life. Some of it amounted to nothing, but in the end I see it's amounted to the person I am now so that must be worth it... In the end, I'm me. I'm here and I'm strong and I regret nothing. Nothing at all."
And although a lot has happened over these 100 posts, this thought still rings true. And it always will.
Thanks for reading!

Head in the Clouds

Lately, I feel like I've been a little out of it. I mean, I'm concentrated on school and my weight loss and all that, which is going well by the way, BUT I feel like my head is somewhere else.
I'll admit, I'm a bit of a dreamer. I wouldn't be in college if I wasn't because I would have just accepted that life I left in St. Louis. I've always dreamed big things, mostly because it fills the hard days with hope for the good ones.
For some reason, although I don't really know where I'll be a year from now, I have the picture in my head of going to grad school, living in my own apartment, meeting some adorably geeky guy, and BAM, life.
Did I mention I'm a hopeless romantic too?
My upcoming senior year makes me feel like I'm in high school all over again except the stakes are higher. When I graduate with my writing degree, I get a chance at that fresh start again. I can go wherever and do whatever I want with my life. It's complete FREEDOM. And as scary as freedom and the real world can sometimes be, I feel completely liberated.
But the question is, what to do?
At this point, where I'm going after I graduate with my bachelor's is up in the air. I've thought about taking a year off to just focus on myself for awhile and spend time with family before enrolling in graduate school in 2014 for my Master's. I've thought about going straight into Graduate school to get my Master's in Writing or Library Science or ANYTHING, really. Go figure I pick a bachelor's degree that leaves so many possibilities open for a Master's. I've thought of going to school anywhere from Muncie, IN, St. Louis, Chicago, Indy, even allll the way to New York. Small town, big city, I can go anywhere.
I have been all over the place with what I truly want to do after I graduate and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time.
Who knows where I'll be a year from now. All I do know, is I want to be happy.
And that's not too far-fetched of a dream, right?

Bottle Up That Sunshine, Dance in the Rain

So, my last post was really... angry. I blame it on the horrible day I was having.
Yes, my money situation is bad. But if anything, I've learned that money isn't everything. Plus, it could be a lot worse. This crunch that I'm in is temporary and I know I'll survive it and there will be better days. And although I get bitter about some of my friends not really being there, I have to be grateful for the few that ARE there. It's hard times like these when you learn who your real friends are, and I am definitely seeing who mine are. And it's funny how the ones who are farthest in distant and the ones I haven't known the longest are the ones here. It really shows that no matter how far away or how long you've known someone, it's their actions that define them as a true friend.
Besides money, good things HAVE been happening. My weight loss is in full swing now and it's going well. I added a ticker to my side margin for anyone who wants to see how much I've lost and such. Also, I do still have my weight loss blog which I love doing. I love having a blog completely dedicated to my weight. It's motivating, really. So if anyone wants to check that out the link is in its own blog entry.
Also, school is going well despite stress. I'm only three weeks in but I'm staying on top of everything and that is an accomplishment. I'm sure my grades will reflect it.
As far as my other, smaller goals, I have kept my word and stuck to those. So really, disregarding my messy financial situation, life really isn't all that bad.
It's these little things, these little rays of sunshine, that I need to hold on to and bottle up. It's those things that are going to get me through the rough days.The storm will pass, and until then I need to learn to dance in it and take it day by day.
No one ever said life was easy, and it's times like these that just make me stronger. One day I am going to look back on these days and be grateful for them because they made me stronger.
I will get through the storm, but until them I'm going to bottle up that sunshine and dance through each day.

Random Rant, Gotta Love 'Em

I don't know what it is but I have been so restless lately. My dad is calling it Junioritis.
I am just ready to graduate college and walk across that stage and have that degree in hand. I'm tired of the weight of "Am I gonna be able to pay for this?" or "Will I make it to graduation without dropping out because my finances are so bad?"
From the beginning I came to UE because it had a fairly good writing program and it was half way between St. Louis and Portland, IN. Plus I just wanted to be in Indiana. But the deciding factor of why I came to UE is because it was closer to my then fiancee at the time. And since all that ended, I've tried to love this city but I just can't. I'm ready to move on from here. Frankly because there are a lot of bad memories that surround this place. I mean, I moved here with the intention of being married and seeing my ex more often. Then, the story unraveled and that was shattered. Evansville was an alright temporary home but I'm ready to leave it. I gained great friends from being here and I'll be grateful for that. But other than that, I kinda hate it here.
And whether I take time off or go straight into Graduate school, wherever I end up 2 years from now will not be here, in Evansville, IN.

Baby Steps and Alternative Choices

So, I'm writing this blog in between classes/ eating lunch so I apologize if it seems rushed (because it is). I just wanted to do a tinsy little update on things:
I haven't quite JUMPED on my resolutions, BUT don't start tsking me because I'm doing it semi on purpose. If I seriously want to commit and make these changes, I didn't want to start cold turkey especially with the whole weight loss thing since I have tried (and failed) so many times.
I've taken a new approach. Instead of just throwing myself in there I'm taking baby steps-- little alternative choices to replace bad choices.
I haven't been religiously calorie counting or working out, YET. I started by looking more closely at food labels and kind of mentally keeping track of how much I was really eating. Also, I've been walking more to get myself moving. To satisfy my whole sodium thing, I have given up ramen noodles which is a bit painful on my budget but my health is more important at this point. I was eating ramen every day and that sodium is really bad for my body. So instead, I've opted for brown rice and veggies. Also, I've mostly been drinking water, water, green tea, and some more water but that wasn't the hard part since I was already doing that.
Today, however, I am starting back at the gym and using the app to calorie count. I'm anxious to get started so I figure I've given myself enough of a lead in. My goal (ish) is to lose 30 pounds by June 1st because that's my brother's graduation and I'd like to look semi-better. That's about it in the health department.
My sleeping habits haven't really improved that much since I've been sick. And it's so hard to get myself to sleep 7-9 hours a night so I have no clue why I made that a resolution. That will definitely be one of my "well I meant well" goals because I doubt I am going to be so serious about it.
My finances are kind of the same as my health- baby steps. I've started writing in my check register again to keep track of all my spending. I also watch my account closer ( I had stopped checking my balances because I hated seeing how little money I really had). Also, I've started job searching again. I gave up on this back in November after getting no call backs or being hired at the places I did get interviewed. Finding a job is a sucky process because I'm broke and need the money yet I'm having to patiently fill out applications and wait around to be called for interviews. It's exhausting and frustrating. BUT I'm doing it. On other notes:

•  I have not started writing an hour a day but I'm working my way up to it.
• I'm doing all right in the friend department as far as I know. I recently took some time out to voluntarily design my friend's save-the-date cards and invitations for her upcoming wedding.
• The driver's license thing won't happen until June when I make my trip to St. Louis for James' graduation
• As tempting as it has been (because I like to creep), I have not unblock the toxic people nor do I plan on it.
• Annnd I'm slowly thinking on post-graduation plans (you'll probably hear a lot more about this later on)

Looking at the big picture, I feel successful. I'm listening to myself and taking what I want into consideration which are things I don't really do.

Lastly, classes have been going great. This semester I am taking:

• British Literature
• Biology (my last gen ed, thank god!)
• Creative Non-Fiction
• Contemporary Novel (my favorite by far)
• Abnormal Psyc (which I was excited to have been taking a break from psyc but after the education class I was planning to take was cancelled I opted for psyc, I really like this class so far though so it was a good choice.)

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll try to keep updating at least once a week and doing more fun things. I used to want to make this blog more of a serious thing but I've decided it's better as a hobby. So, I'll update when I have things to say.

<3Melissa

If a Man Wants You

If a Man Wants You - DivineCaroline
I relate to this more than I care to admit lol. Definitely some good things to keep in mind

Resolutions & my New Year :)

I'm a little late on this, but HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had a wonderful start to their year. I ended up bringing in the new year alone (yes, no partying for me) so I spent it watching Dick Clark's special and writing in my journal to reflect on 2011. Bringing in the year with just myself, as depressing as that sounds, was really kinda fitting. In 2012, I need to learn how to trust myself and be independent again. So, I brought my year in right if you look at it that way.
Anywho, as promised, here are my resolutions for the new year. They are kinda specific and I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself. If I do them, then great. If not, then it's not the end of the world. Most of the goals revolve around school and weight loss, but a lot just centers around being happy and being a good person. So here we go:

• Do not get any grades below a B-
• Decide on my post-graduation plans
• Get my stupid driver's license
• Work out 30-60 minutes 4-5 times a week
• Stop late night snacking
• Figure out new living arrabgements for senior year
• Have better financial standing
• Get involved in something Writing-related to add to my resume
• become independent on MYSELF again
• Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep a night
• Do more things for people small or big whether they be friend, family, or stranger
• Keep certain people who cause drama in my life blocked on all social sites so they can not contact me in any way
• Learn something new (hopefully knitting)
• Limit soda and other sugary drinks
• Take at least 1 hour per day to write simply for pleasure (not school-related)
• Aim to be more social
• Use a calorie counting app to track my calorie intake daily
• Watch my sodium intake
• Live well, Laugh often, & Love much :)

So, there you go, my resolutions. I think it's a pretty great list. I'm proud of it at least. 2011, as crappy as I call it out to be, really just showed me what steps I need to take if i'm going to be happy & healthy. So really, whether I complete all these resoultions or none, my main goal is to just take every day in stride and not sweat the little things. I deserve to be happy no matter what and that's the plan.

Also, just a tiny announcement: Congratulations to one of my best and closest friends Ashley on the birth of her beautiful baby boy on January 9th. I'm so happy for her as well as her hubby and their daughter Caylee. Time to save up for trip to Georgia now ;)

<3 Melissa

New Years Ponderings

Yep, it's that time of year again and THANK GOD because 2011 has been a pain in my side. Actually, I've had a pain in my side since half way through 2010 but that's beside the point.
I'll admit-- I am one of those cliche people who loves New Years because I love the fresh beginnings. I love making resolutions and seeing how far I got the next year. Granted, I use everyday to set goals and move forward but just having a new year begin gives me a fresh mind.
Since my birthday I have definitely felt like I have turned things around. I put my grades first and I'm pretty sure I made all A's and B's this semester. I've been a better friend (I hope!) and have done well with avoiding drama. But most importantly, I've just stepped outside of the darkness and cloudiness in my head and opened up to what is really important to me that I started neglecting somewhere in 2010.
With this said, I can't help but feel SOME sense of pride in myself and I want to make 2012 my BIG year. I really want to come out of this next year with a list of accomplishments under my belt.
My birthday resolutions definitely still stand as well as all the other miscellaneous goals I have set here and there. I've decided to use New Years to set smaller, more specific goals that will keep me on track with my birthday goals and actually enforce a couple that I've been neglecting (like my weight!). Of course I'll post the list here once I've drafted it.
I'm excited for this year because I've already started turning my life back around and who knows where I'll be at the beginning of 2013 after all of this. I'm ready to find out :)

Sometimes the Truth is Hard to Face...

It's posts like these that make me glad I don't have very many readers...
This post is really difficult for me to write, mostly because it's about something that I really struggle with-- my weight. And I really have not been honest with myself or anyone for that matter regarding this problem and it has become more than I can handle.
I mean I have always struggled. I have had my healthy years and my chubby years, but this is beyond being chubby anymore. This is more than just a "bad week." And I need to acknowledge it. I've tried diets and eating healthy and working out but when they don't produce any results, I just give up.
When it comes to my weight, I seriously lack consistent motivation and confidence. Years of emotional abuse has not helped with this, nor has the torture I put myself under. I have a lot of underlying issues that have really contributed to my weight. My "relationship with food" as they say is so unhealthy that I'm happier starving myself than allowing myself to eat healthy all because if I do eat, then I can't control how I eat for the rest of the day. My body is such a mess because I overeat and binge some days, and starve myself the next. Truth is, I don't know how to gain control and stop this cycle.
I don't even want to see my family anymore because I've gained so much weight that I'm too embarassed to show my face. My sister is thin as a model even after having a kid and my brother is super in shape. I'm the heaviest in my family and it tears me up so much inside. Looking in the mirror rips me to pieces so much that I've stopped. When I brush my teeth, I completely avoid my image. I am ashamed of myself.
At 5'9, I should weigh between 130 and 170 pounds. My weight? A whopping 270 pounds. That is at least 100 pounds I have to lose and I don't even know where to start. I need help. Yet, I am completely broke so I can't even go to a weight management specialist or a nutritionist.
I am one of the fat girls guys make fun of and girls look at and automatically feel better about themselves.
I can't do this on my own. I've tried and I can't get control of this by myself and I need help. I don't even know where to turn.
Truth is, I am a very unhappy person because of my weight. Sure, it shouldn't matter. But when you're obese facing high blood pressure and constant back problems, it matters a lot. And even as I sit here admitting the truth, I still don't know what to do.

Just a Television Show?

Throughout life, there are so many things that inspire us. Whether that be obvious things like a person or a place or even simpler things like a book, a painting, or movie. I try to find inspiration in each day. I look for it in a news story about a young girl who dedicated her birthday to a charity or a sunset. I look for it in my friends and family or in the latest book I'm reading. I look for it in a song. Regardless of the type of media, inspiration in everywhere.
Today is the last filiming day ever of my favorite television show, One Tree Hill. And the reason I associate this with inspiration is because this show inspired me in so many ways. yes, it has been criticized TREMENDOUSLY. It's not the most outstanding television show and it can be unrealistic.
But to me, who cares if a storyline was too soap opera-ish. Who cares if you completely hate this show? For me, and the people who have watched OTH, we all know it's just a tv show (except for those crazy fan girls with no lives). We know the characters are fictional but for an hour every week, we felt what they did. That is the beauty of good writing and film.
Mark Schwan may not have had the classiest plot lines but he created characters people all over the world relate to in some way with every episode; characters we fell in love with. And if you don't like OTH than this still applies to whatever your favorite tv show is.
I have followed OTH from Day 1. And when my life was at it's toughest, I could lose myself in an episode and watch these fictional characters struggle in their own lives and come out strong and it always pushed me to do the same.
Peyton was and always will be my favorite character not because I was adopted and both my biological mother and adopted mother died, and not because I have experience with psychos or starting my own record label. But because when I was 15, 16, 17, 18 years old, I knew what dark times and losing your faith felt like. And like Peyton, I found my faith in music. In high school, I always shut people out and Peyton's character taught me that you just gotta let someone in sometimes.
Same with Lucas and his love of literature. Literature is my life and whenever that voiceover came on with a new quote, it meant something to me.
OTH wasn't just teenage drama. It showed that even when you lost your way, you could find it again in your friends, in music, in love, in art, and in family.
So when you say, "but OTH is just a tv show," to me, it was more than that. It got me through so much heartache and times of just being lost. And that part of my life is ending. I owe a lot to Schwan's writing and the actors' performances. I knew it was fictional and I knew that a lot of the stuff that happened on that show would NEVER happen in real life but that doesn't mean it didn't inspire me any less than a book or painting or a news story.
And just like anything that inspires me, I am eternally grateful for this show and the lessons it brought to my life.

#GoodnightTreeHill

Why Do I Write?

In my senior year and even in my freshman year of college, one question I heard as frequently as "What college are you going to?" or "What's your major?" is "Why did you choose writing?"
When picking my major, I didn't factor in how easy it would be for me to find a job in the field I chose as much as I based my decision on what I loved. But why writing? What is it about writing that sparked a flame inside me to make me want to dedicate the rest of my life pursuing it?
It's not a short and sweet answer. In fact I could write an entire novel about why I'm passionate about writing.
The art of writing has always fascinated me.
For me, having the ability to take something you see in the world or something that is completely derived from your head is a great talent. It's one thing to see something and appreciate its beauty and place in the world. It's another to take a pen to paper or your fingers to a keyboard and use words guided by the rules of grammer to recreate that beauty.
Sure, in a technical sense, writng is correct speeling, punctuation, grammer and the overall conveyance of an idea. But it's the way you utilize those things to make a reader feel the words, that I love most.
It's amazing how an idea from someone's head or an experience can be manipulated into words and sentences on paper in a way that makes someone feel happy or sad. They're just letters and punctuation. Yet, it's those that create new worlds and evoke the reader to feel along with the character.
In writing, you can create characters that a reader can relate to and find a piece of themself. It's mind blowing, how just an imaginary human, or place, or whatever can make a reader feel as if it really exists.
J.K Rowling is one of my literary heroes, simply because she took an idea she got on a train and turned it into the beautiful world of Harry Potter. This world she created kept readers hooked for seven whole books. And I'll admit, those words about a boy wizard and his struggle against evil made me feel a apart of his triumphs and cry with him during his grief. It's this ability of the author that drew me to the field.
Some of the greatest icons like Huck Finn, Gatsby, or Lily Barth are completly made up from somebody's mind, but that doesn't stop us from feeling what they feel and becoming in invested in their worlds.
I've never learned magic in a huge castle or faked my own death to escape my dad. But I feel as if I have because Rowling and Twain gave me that ability when they manipulated letters and words into a piece that became important to me and into characters that trusted me with their story.
Capturing the beauty of life in words and creating characters that help us understand that beauty is why I write. Having the ability to take a piece of myself and create an entire world that will hook a reader from page one is why I write.
Writing isn't a craft to me. It's a passion. And no matter what happens, I'll always have those characters and words helping me understand the world around me.
I can only hope that one day I'll be able to do the same.

Bucket List :)

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how I hold myself back or let things and people in my life hold me back. Well, I'm tired of it. I want to stop just "going through the motions." I want to live and explore to the fullest of my capabilities. I want to look back one day and think "Damn, I did a lot." I want to learn who I am through living and experiencing. And that's the attitude I have had recently. Then, I found a Tumblr page with bucket list items. So, I wanted to share some of the things on my list.

And so, so, so MUCH MORE. I wish I could fit it all into this entry but that's impossible.
It's not impossible, however, to do any of it.

Finding the Poetry

Today I came across a quote that really stuck with me:

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." ~George Eliot

People say don't live in the past. That's good advice, but I don't think we should completely forget our past. All those trials and lesson you encounter have made you who you are now. I used to try to bury my past and completely shut it from my present memory. But lately, I've learned to embrace it and work it into the decisions I'm faced with at this time in my life. Your past can be a useful tool to build from. It can also be a good reference in times of hopelessness and weakness. We weren't given an instruction manual for life, but the past can be one that is left unfinshed.

I don't mean to say let's all focus on our pasts. What I mean is, we should continue to learn from it and refer to it as a guide in certain situations.

Personally, as someone who wasn't the best version of myself last year, I find comfort in this quote. To me it means that despite the mistakes and dark times I encountered last year, I can come back from it. The person I was proud of when I was 17, 18, 19 years old is not lost. I'm still her underneath the new experiences I have encountered. My direction hasn't changed, I just lost pieces of it.

At 17, writing and literature was my life. I wrote constantly. Yet, now at 21, I only write when school requires it. I could find that passion again. It's not lost. Just like my love of music isn't. At these ages I remember just sitting back and listening to songs that meant something to me and finding peace in them. It was a form of release for me and I gained a type of euphoria from the lyrics that made sense of the world. I have forgotten this euphoria.

It's aspects like these that make me nostalgic of this part of my life. It was my ability to find poetry in every day and put that poetry down on paper to make a story out of it. I don't miss the two bedroom apartment that overlooked the highway. I miss the girl behind those walls who found beauty in how rain dripped from the window ledge or how my mom moved her lips when she read.

I lost touch with my spirituality. And I don't mean religion. I mean my sense of the world around me and my ability to always find something beautiful about it. I miss the music behind a pen on paper creating words that came not from my mind, but my heart.

Nostalgia isn't a bad thing in my eyes. It reminds us of the people we want to be. And as Eliot says, it's never too late to find that poetry or music in my life. It's there in every moment of my life. I can still be that girl I might have been before I lost my way. And that's the most comforting thing of all.

The FAT Question

I hate the word "fat". Hate, hate hate it. I have tried eliminating it from my vocabulary all together. It's a mean word really. I mean, type "fat" into google and you get:

Type in "skinny" and you get:

And yes, these photos are meant to be exagerrations, but are they really? Is this how our soceity really perceives "fat" and "skinny"? I think so.
Look at the obvious difference between the two sets of photos. The "fat" women are shown with food while the "skinny" women are wearing designer clothes. There is something wrong with this. Even though (well at least for me) I cringe at all of them. No one wants to be that heavy, and personally, I would never want to be that skinny. Both are not attractive.
Then there is this picture:

The women's ideal is smaller than both the mean's ideal and the national average! Why are we all so hung up on being as thin as we can be. I see nothing wrong with a size 14. Yet being a size 14 is joked as being "fat". And to me, that woman is not fat. She is gorgeous.
Yet, we always see 14 or 12 as a bad number.
I know from personal experience, that soceity sucks and so does the whole weight question. I've been that size 14 and let me tell you, I still got called "fat" and felt horrible about myself. but as time went on and I've gained and lost, size 14 is healthy.
That is where our soceity goes wrong. There should be no "fat" or "skinny". It should be healthy. At 150 pounds I am going to look A LOT different than someone else who is 150 pounds. The word unique is not just some cliche. Everyone is different. Yet, our soceity makes us strive to be that size 6 or even 0. But it's not REALISTIC.
What should be our perception is to be whatever weight is healthy. If you eat right and exercise, then your weight will take care of itself. And that weight, is what's most natural. But the weight you acheive when starving yourself or forcing yourself to go to the gym for hours and hours... that is unrealistic. but stuffing your face with chips and cakes isn't realistic either.
There is a horrible misrepresentation when it comes to weight in this country. We should start getting our heads out of the anorexic and bulimic girls' butts and just eat healthy and take care of our bodies.
That's my outlook at least.