So, lately I have been doing well as far as setting goals but what is life without a need to vent?
And boy, do I feel a vent coming along.
It started this morning with weighing myself and not being the weight I thought I would be when I stepped on the scale this morning. It happens. So, I looked at why it may not have happened and made a list of new changes. Doesn't sound so bad, huh?
Then I go into my Shakespeare midterm ready to kick butt and COMPLETELY FAIL. My entire essay was crap. The whole thing. And what sucks is it's 1 of only 3 grades that make up the class. I swear I wanted to burst into tears walking out of there.
I AM SO TIRED OF BEING MY OWN WORST ENEMY! I hate it. I am the only one holding myself back and I don't know how the hell I am doing it. Yes, I am probably being too hard on myself. (which is why I am calling this a vent and not making it an "official" blog entry).
I am just so sick and tired of messing myself up. I could have studied harder for that test. But what was I doing? I don't even know. You would think after losing my scholarship this would start grounding me.
But nooo. It's like I aim to sabotage myself no matter what I do. That's how I feel. I feel as if I am at war with myself which I kind of am.
Yeah, I am hard on myself. But how can I not be after letting myself dig this hole I am in. I just want to punch myself in the face sometimes for being so stupid.Yes, we all need lessons in our life to learn the hard way. Ok, BUT I HAVE FRIGGIN LEARNED IT so I wish the world would stop picking on me.
I feel so out of control sometimes even when I am. I just hate it. Maybe it's the atmosphere I am in?
I wouldn't be in it if ya know, one of thousands of jobs I have applied for would call me in for an interview or HIRE ME. How the hell can I get an apartment for me and James if no one will even friggin hire me.
I am just so frustrated right now. And I know when I sit down, breathe and think this all through I will figure it out.
The mistake I made last year was giving up and letting life control ME. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.
I am not going to give up. This is my friggin life and I am in control of it. ME. NOT MY INSECURITIES. NOT MY PAST. NOT SCHOOL. NOT MONEY OR DUMB JOBS. ME ME ME.
So, how about the world SHUT THE HELL UP for just one second so I can handle my shit. Thank you.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Hello October!
Happy October everyone!
I am very excited because October is one of my favorite months (December is the other). I've decided to give a small little update about what's going on. So here it goes:
So yeah, things have been going pretty great. I get to visit my family in St. Louis next weekend, which is loooonnng overdue so I probably won't blog until then. I hope everyone is doing well!
p.s GO CARDS!! (they made the playoffs! So, let's get a repeat of '06)
I am very excited because October is one of my favorite months (December is the other). I've decided to give a small little update about what's going on. So here it goes:
- I have lost 10 lbs!!!
- James (my "baby" brother") has decided to move in with me after he graduates high school in June. He's decided to take some classes at the tech school here in town or he may take the year off. He hasn't quite decided yet. He has decided, however, that within the next few years he is going to enlist in the National Guard. That scares me some, but I want my brother to do whatever makes him happy. I'll be a proud big sis either way.
- I applied for a part-time job as a teaching assistant at a Pre-school so I am definitely hoping I get the job
- Apartment hunting is very time consuming lol but it's necessary since I need a big enough place for myself, brother, and dog.
- School is going well. It's about a month and a half into the semester and I'm doing pretty well.
- LIFE IS GOOD!
So yeah, things have been going pretty great. I get to visit my family in St. Louis next weekend, which is loooonnng overdue so I probably won't blog until then. I hope everyone is doing well!
p.s GO CARDS!! (they made the playoffs! So, let's get a repeat of '06)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Elsewhere
Don't watch unless you want to hear my awful singing...
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Friday, September 16, 2011
"Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, It's About Creating Yourself"
George Bernard Shaw once said,
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
But how do we go about creating ourselves? How do we know who to create?
Over this past week, I have had a lot to think about. Granted, this week wasn't one of my best, but I've had worse. Keeping a positive attitude is the only weapon I have in this struggle to re-create myself and rise above the not-so-great past year I have had. But the one thing I have forgot to really keep alive is, my determination.
The single mother going to school and working to support her child doesn't do it because it's fun. She does it beacause she has that determination to do the best she can for her child and herself. She doesn't do it because she wants to per se, she does it because her mind and heart are telling her she HAS to do it. The single mother isn't purposely trying to find herself. She is creating the person she wants to be. And in that sense she finds not who she is, but who she CAN be.
That's only one scenario of someone. But I bet there are many.
Everyday, I wonder, if I make this decision or that decision how will it effect me tomorrow or even further down the line. I second guess myself more than anything. And I really, I miss out on so many opportunities simply because I don't have the confidence in myself to attain anything more than what is handed to me.
But happiness isn't just given to people. happiness is a state of mind. It's about changing what is making you unhappy and learning to accept those things you can't.
I need a job. I need a two-bedroom apartment if I'm ever going to get my brother away from dad when he graduates in May. I need a car. There's so much in my life that I could change if had the confidence in myself to do so.
I have this idea in my head of who I want to be down the line. But if I can't muster up the confidence in myself to be that person right now, I will NEVER create that person I feel like I could be if I just believed in myself enough to be it.
I can't learn or make anything out of myself if I'm not putting myself out there. I can't hide in the background of my life and let pieces fall where they may. Because obviously those pieces aren't falling where they need to.
In the midst of all of this, I find myself battling with myself. I tell myself you can do this, you can be that person you aspire to be but then that other part of myself comes along and second guesses me and causes me to hold myself back.
This isn't what I want. There is a whole world out there I want to be apart of if I couldn just stop holding myself back. I don't have to be on the sidelines. No one said that's where I belong. I can be out there, front and center, living the life that I WANT to. I deserve to be happy and it's time I let myself be happy regardless of how scary that big world is out there.
I can create the woman I want to be. I shouldn't be 21 years old feeling like I'm 16 again lost along the blurry roads of my life. There ARE chances out there for me to take. But sitting here waiting for them isn't getting me anywhere but stuck in the same place I have always been.
Creating myself is about the determination and patience I need to obtain it. I need to start PUSHING myself because no one is going to do it for me.
I am capable of so many great things. I know I am. Yet, I need to have the confidence in myself. I could make a huge difference in my brother's life. But I can't take care of him and help him get out of a home run by alcoholism and abuse if I can't take care of myself. This isn't just about me. I need to do it for my brother and for my mom. They are two of the most IMPORTANT people in my life.
If I can't do it for them then who will?
Once a upon time there was a girl who aspired to get out of that two bedroom apartment away from the negativity my dad brought down on us. There was a girl who studied her butt off, who saved money, and who got herself into college without help and despite her dad working against her. That girl was me two years ago and it's time I bring her back, better than ever. I don't know where I lost myself along the way or if I had even found myself to begin with. All I know is, there is so much I could do with my life if I just push myself.
So, maybe it's time to take a pagem from Mr. Shaw's words and stop trying to find myself and just create that version of me I want to be.
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
But how do we go about creating ourselves? How do we know who to create?
Over this past week, I have had a lot to think about. Granted, this week wasn't one of my best, but I've had worse. Keeping a positive attitude is the only weapon I have in this struggle to re-create myself and rise above the not-so-great past year I have had. But the one thing I have forgot to really keep alive is, my determination.
The single mother going to school and working to support her child doesn't do it because it's fun. She does it beacause she has that determination to do the best she can for her child and herself. She doesn't do it because she wants to per se, she does it because her mind and heart are telling her she HAS to do it. The single mother isn't purposely trying to find herself. She is creating the person she wants to be. And in that sense she finds not who she is, but who she CAN be.
That's only one scenario of someone. But I bet there are many.
Everyday, I wonder, if I make this decision or that decision how will it effect me tomorrow or even further down the line. I second guess myself more than anything. And I really, I miss out on so many opportunities simply because I don't have the confidence in myself to attain anything more than what is handed to me.
But happiness isn't just given to people. happiness is a state of mind. It's about changing what is making you unhappy and learning to accept those things you can't.
I need a job. I need a two-bedroom apartment if I'm ever going to get my brother away from dad when he graduates in May. I need a car. There's so much in my life that I could change if had the confidence in myself to do so.
I have this idea in my head of who I want to be down the line. But if I can't muster up the confidence in myself to be that person right now, I will NEVER create that person I feel like I could be if I just believed in myself enough to be it.
I can't learn or make anything out of myself if I'm not putting myself out there. I can't hide in the background of my life and let pieces fall where they may. Because obviously those pieces aren't falling where they need to.
In the midst of all of this, I find myself battling with myself. I tell myself you can do this, you can be that person you aspire to be but then that other part of myself comes along and second guesses me and causes me to hold myself back.
This isn't what I want. There is a whole world out there I want to be apart of if I couldn just stop holding myself back. I don't have to be on the sidelines. No one said that's where I belong. I can be out there, front and center, living the life that I WANT to. I deserve to be happy and it's time I let myself be happy regardless of how scary that big world is out there.
I can create the woman I want to be. I shouldn't be 21 years old feeling like I'm 16 again lost along the blurry roads of my life. There ARE chances out there for me to take. But sitting here waiting for them isn't getting me anywhere but stuck in the same place I have always been.
Creating myself is about the determination and patience I need to obtain it. I need to start PUSHING myself because no one is going to do it for me.
I am capable of so many great things. I know I am. Yet, I need to have the confidence in myself. I could make a huge difference in my brother's life. But I can't take care of him and help him get out of a home run by alcoholism and abuse if I can't take care of myself. This isn't just about me. I need to do it for my brother and for my mom. They are two of the most IMPORTANT people in my life.
If I can't do it for them then who will?
Once a upon time there was a girl who aspired to get out of that two bedroom apartment away from the negativity my dad brought down on us. There was a girl who studied her butt off, who saved money, and who got herself into college without help and despite her dad working against her. That girl was me two years ago and it's time I bring her back, better than ever. I don't know where I lost myself along the way or if I had even found myself to begin with. All I know is, there is so much I could do with my life if I just push myself.
So, maybe it's time to take a pagem from Mr. Shaw's words and stop trying to find myself and just create that version of me I want to be.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A Healthy Snack Alternative to Replace Those Fatty Chips!
So in the midst of living a healthier life, I have been looking for new alternatives to snack on instead of junk. Today I made homemade pita chips and ate it with roasted garlic humus. DEFINITELY better than fatty potatoe chips or Doritos.
Recipe: Whole wheat pita bread
vegetable oil
garlic salt
pepper
Italian seasoning
1. Preheat oven to 400.
2. Slice pita bread (1 makes 16 chips)
3. Mix vegetable oil, garlic salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning in a bowl
4. Lightly spread on pita chips
5. Bake for 7 minutes.
1 whole wheat pita bread= 120 calories
2 tbsps. of Sabra roasted garlic humus= 70 calories
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be
Hey everyone!
I hope you all like the new look. I may still fiddle around with it, but I think for the most part I like my new blog look.
Classes have kept me fairly busy since they started last week. Overall, I am really enjoying them. I am taking two psyc courses for my minor (Child & Adolescent psyc and Lifespan Development), two Lit courses to finish off the Lit portion required for my major (Shakespeare and 20th century Female Novelists), and a simple Adult Wellness course for a gen. ed. credit. I've actually been intersted in the work so homework has been as enjoyable as homework could possibly get.
Monday I started working out at the gym again. And let me tell you, it was AMAZING. I forgot what a great feeling it was to just burn off all the stress of life.
For the most part, life has been good. I'm back on track with school and taking care of my body and it's a great feeling. I love it.
It's reminded me how life has its ups and its downs but really you've just gotta roll with the punches and let it take its natural course. Yes, last year sucked. But I NEEDED it to wake me up and make myself question the choices I had been making. Everything that happened to me and because of me, happened for this very reason.
Each day, I still hope to find that magical purpose for myself but who said that search had to be confusing AND miserable. No one. it should be fun, exciting, and momentous. And I am going to enjoy every minute of it and do the best for myself that I can. Yes, I'm going to hit some obstacles. But what would life be without a few road blocks? I don't have all the answers now but they will come to me as I go.
And that's only half the fun ;)
I hope everyone is having a great week. Much love. <3
I hope you all like the new look. I may still fiddle around with it, but I think for the most part I like my new blog look.
Classes have kept me fairly busy since they started last week. Overall, I am really enjoying them. I am taking two psyc courses for my minor (Child & Adolescent psyc and Lifespan Development), two Lit courses to finish off the Lit portion required for my major (Shakespeare and 20th century Female Novelists), and a simple Adult Wellness course for a gen. ed. credit. I've actually been intersted in the work so homework has been as enjoyable as homework could possibly get.
Monday I started working out at the gym again. And let me tell you, it was AMAZING. I forgot what a great feeling it was to just burn off all the stress of life.
For the most part, life has been good. I'm back on track with school and taking care of my body and it's a great feeling. I love it.
It's reminded me how life has its ups and its downs but really you've just gotta roll with the punches and let it take its natural course. Yes, last year sucked. But I NEEDED it to wake me up and make myself question the choices I had been making. Everything that happened to me and because of me, happened for this very reason.
Each day, I still hope to find that magical purpose for myself but who said that search had to be confusing AND miserable. No one. it should be fun, exciting, and momentous. And I am going to enjoy every minute of it and do the best for myself that I can. Yes, I'm going to hit some obstacles. But what would life be without a few road blocks? I don't have all the answers now but they will come to me as I go.
And that's only half the fun ;)
I hope everyone is having a great week. Much love. <3
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
One Step At a Time
Hello blogging world!
Since I haven't post in a couple of weeks I decided to give a quick update.
My 21st birthday was awesome and I got to spend it with some great friends. It also forced me to put my new "guidelines" for this year into effect right away after some flakey friends and those friendships were ended. Who needs so called "friends" like that?
School starts next week and I'm a tiny bit nervous just because I did handle last year so horribly. In another sense I'm excited because I feel in so much more control than I did. Dean's List, here I come!
I have completely mapped out an eating plan and once school starts I'll have access to the gym to work out and get this weight loss popping.
I am also in the process of setting up my own fundraiser on campus to collect donations for the humane soceity. I am SUPER excited for this one! It's the least I can do to give back to an organization that does an awesome job getting animals adopted fast and reducinmg the number of animals that are euthanized each year. I am also cooking up a way to raise money for autism awareness that I hope is a success. =]
I guess my attitude has changed tremendously since a few months ago. A lot of people have been cut from my life and a lot of changes are in the making. It's exciting but scary. But in the end it's just what I needed.
Hope everyone is having a beautiful day!
Since I haven't post in a couple of weeks I decided to give a quick update.
My 21st birthday was awesome and I got to spend it with some great friends. It also forced me to put my new "guidelines" for this year into effect right away after some flakey friends and those friendships were ended. Who needs so called "friends" like that?
School starts next week and I'm a tiny bit nervous just because I did handle last year so horribly. In another sense I'm excited because I feel in so much more control than I did. Dean's List, here I come!
I have completely mapped out an eating plan and once school starts I'll have access to the gym to work out and get this weight loss popping.
I am also in the process of setting up my own fundraiser on campus to collect donations for the humane soceity. I am SUPER excited for this one! It's the least I can do to give back to an organization that does an awesome job getting animals adopted fast and reducinmg the number of animals that are euthanized each year. I am also cooking up a way to raise money for autism awareness that I hope is a success. =]
I guess my attitude has changed tremendously since a few months ago. A lot of people have been cut from my life and a lot of changes are in the making. It's exciting but scary. But in the end it's just what I needed.
Hope everyone is having a beautiful day!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Change is Gonna Come
Alright, so every birthday I make goals for the year with an image in mind of where I want to be at the end of the chapter. And after this year (more like the last 6 months or so) I REALLY need to establish some goals to get life back on track and be a better version of myself by the time I reach 22. I really want to devote this year to myself and bettering me no matter how much I'm going to have to self-discipline myself. I'm ready for this and I'm ready to utilize this upcoming chapter of my life for the best. My birthday is on Friday and means a lot more to me than being legal to drink. It means a fresh start after a year of mistakes and dumb choices. So, for this year I am going to dedicate it to getting myself back on track.
The goals I am going to accomplish are:
The goals I am going to accomplish are:
- Establishing healthy eating and exercise habits to FINALLY reach that healthy weight
- Make Dean's list BOTH semesters
- Focus on my writing as a passion again and maybe get some things published
- Leave ALL drama and toxic people behind
- Get involved in a cause that means something to me (anti bullying, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, animal abuse, autism awareness)
- Start reading for fun again
- Make better more well-thought out decisions for myself
- DRIVER'S LICENSE
- Do more for other people
- Build my savings account and establish financial secruity for myself
That's what I've got for now. I'm sure I'll add to it as the year progresses. For now, I feel so motivated and ready to get this going. As for my blog, I'm going to start posting more helpful things for my readers and not just update on my life ALL the time or use my blog as a secondary journal. Also, starting Friday I think I'm going to start "Project 365" just to document this year in photos.
I hope everyone is well and wearing smiles on those beautiful faces. Until next time... :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
I Will Be Rising From the Ground
I normally avoid music by Disney stars because I'd rather not listen to the same songs as my 9 year old cousin but this song hit a soft spot. I think a lot of people can relate.
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The House That Built Me
Lately I have been feeling a bit homesick. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my upcoming birthday will be the first I've celebrated without any of my family. I'm excited for my birthday because I'll be surrounded by most of my closest friends but it bums me out some that none of my family will be around. All in all it has got me thinking a lot about "home." I feel like I've only blogged about the hardships of my childhood and the after effects it has had on my life. But to be fair, there was a lot of good things that I can look back on too and to this day, despite the hardships, I feel an ache for these things.
One thing ss definitely my mom. She really was my rock my entire life. I miss being able to talk and laugh with her while she cooked dinner. When I still had a bedtime it was an hour after my brother so I got to stay up and watch TV shows like "Law and Order: SUV" and "Without a Trace." Now anytime one of those shows come on, I have to call my mom because it makes me miss her. Staying up late on weekends and talking to my little brother is another thing I miss. When we were young we would wait until mom and dad fell asleep and we would get our toys out and play. I remember so many times we tried to muffle our laughing into pillows or had to run and dive back into our beds because one of our parents woke up. My brother and my mom were and always will be my BEST friends. I miss weekend visits to my grandpa's little pink house. Chatting with my now deceased grandma at the kitchen table or picking on my grandpa while he ate cookies and drank coffee. Eating popsicles or drinking lemonade with my brother on the back porch while my dad and Gramps worked on the old Dodge ram that always seemed to have something wrong with it. I miss racing bikes with my brother in the yard and how the red shed was always base. I miss cutting the grass and my grandpa's nickname for me. I miss seeing my grandpa's smile- the kind that reached his eyes and the little gleam he always had. My grandpa is the best man I've ever known even to this day. I of course miss family trips up to my grandma's small Indiana town where country music filled stores restaurants and the smell of coffee woke me every morning. When I think of the word "home" my grandma's town always pops into my head. Country quilts, homemade brownies, chasing my little cousins through the sprinkler, the creak of rocking chairs, and bonfires on cool Indiana nights. That's home. My grandma's town is and always has been my safe place. It's where my mom, brother, and I went every summer to get a break from dad, its where I healed my broken heart two years ago and it is where I always go when I need the warmth of home. It is my happy place. And as of last summer I miss my sister and her kiddos mote than I thought I would. I miss my sister's craziness and laughing with her over silly things and chasing my niece around. I thought I hated Missouri until I spent a summer in Foley.
I've had a tough past year and now that I'm turning 21 I feel like I've lost the girl I used to be. I feel like I've lost those roots that made me.... well me. These good memories along with the bad are what built me into the woman I am today. I feel like I need to get back in touch with those roots and find myself again. And I plan to. I complain and pity myself way too much when really I have tons of reasons to love this life I've been given. And I do. I love my life and the people in it and I cherish those things that built me.
When they say home is where the heart is, they're right. and all these memories and more are with me everyday and I find home in them whenever I need to. "Home" is that kind of love that just never goes away even when life is beating you down.
One thing ss definitely my mom. She really was my rock my entire life. I miss being able to talk and laugh with her while she cooked dinner. When I still had a bedtime it was an hour after my brother so I got to stay up and watch TV shows like "Law and Order: SUV" and "Without a Trace." Now anytime one of those shows come on, I have to call my mom because it makes me miss her. Staying up late on weekends and talking to my little brother is another thing I miss. When we were young we would wait until mom and dad fell asleep and we would get our toys out and play. I remember so many times we tried to muffle our laughing into pillows or had to run and dive back into our beds because one of our parents woke up. My brother and my mom were and always will be my BEST friends. I miss weekend visits to my grandpa's little pink house. Chatting with my now deceased grandma at the kitchen table or picking on my grandpa while he ate cookies and drank coffee. Eating popsicles or drinking lemonade with my brother on the back porch while my dad and Gramps worked on the old Dodge ram that always seemed to have something wrong with it. I miss racing bikes with my brother in the yard and how the red shed was always base. I miss cutting the grass and my grandpa's nickname for me. I miss seeing my grandpa's smile- the kind that reached his eyes and the little gleam he always had. My grandpa is the best man I've ever known even to this day. I of course miss family trips up to my grandma's small Indiana town where country music filled stores restaurants and the smell of coffee woke me every morning. When I think of the word "home" my grandma's town always pops into my head. Country quilts, homemade brownies, chasing my little cousins through the sprinkler, the creak of rocking chairs, and bonfires on cool Indiana nights. That's home. My grandma's town is and always has been my safe place. It's where my mom, brother, and I went every summer to get a break from dad, its where I healed my broken heart two years ago and it is where I always go when I need the warmth of home. It is my happy place. And as of last summer I miss my sister and her kiddos mote than I thought I would. I miss my sister's craziness and laughing with her over silly things and chasing my niece around. I thought I hated Missouri until I spent a summer in Foley.
I've had a tough past year and now that I'm turning 21 I feel like I've lost the girl I used to be. I feel like I've lost those roots that made me.... well me. These good memories along with the bad are what built me into the woman I am today. I feel like I need to get back in touch with those roots and find myself again. And I plan to. I complain and pity myself way too much when really I have tons of reasons to love this life I've been given. And I do. I love my life and the people in it and I cherish those things that built me.
When they say home is where the heart is, they're right. and all these memories and more are with me everyday and I find home in them whenever I need to. "Home" is that kind of love that just never goes away even when life is beating you down.
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Somewhere I Belong
(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Repeat Chorus] I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today [Repeat Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong
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Saturday, July 16, 2011
May Angels Lead You In
I love you Grandma.
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