My Challenge

After my last entry I decided to do a little research on what I could possibly do. Knowing myself, I figured I needed a plan that was stricter and more day by day oriented. Since the new year I've started writing everything down that eat, but that has proven not to be enough. I need something that will keep me in line and focused while MAKING me be patient.

So, I've decided on a six week plan of counting calories and going basically vegitarian. No more red meats like beef or pork. I'm only allowed lean meats like chicken and fish and since I don't like fish, chicken is my only option and I don't eat that everyday. More fruits and veggies are going to be put in my diet and less starchy and carb induced foods are being kicked out.

My plan is to MAKE myself do this for 6 weeks and at the end of the six weeks, if I've lost any weight I'll keep it going until I reach my goal. I think that having to write my calories down after every meal will not only be annoying but help with my impatience because I'll feel like I've accomplished something at the end of every day if I stay within my limit [1500].

And of course I'll keep track of it, week by week, here in my blog. I feel like a lot of people struggle accomplishing their weight goals because they are impatience for results. I'm hoping if anyone stumbles across this blog, it may help them.

I'll keep track of my progress in the side margin >>>

Keep reading to track my progress or follow along if you want to join in with me. I'll gladly accept distant diet buddies [an idea I got from something one of my closest friends Ash said] and let's see if I [or we] can fianally achieve that stubborn goal of weight loss!

Impatience is my Own Worst Enemy

Two blogs in a day? Yep, it's that kind of day.


The picture above is the size I used to be three years ago. It's the size I'm aiming to be back at. That's my goal. It isn't stick thin but it's healthy and I like the way I look.

But I'm noticing something about myself. I am WAY too impatient for my own good. I'm impatient when it comes to earning money, to losing weight, to doing ANYTHING really.

....And it is my downfall.

My impatience causes me to give up on things that thrive on patience to produce results. Who said I was going to be the size I want in two weeks? No one. It didn't take two weeks for me to gain it, so it's not going to take two weeks to lose it. Being impatient is what is hurting me and if I tackle that then the rest should be easy. Question is how do you stop being impatient? That's something to figure out. Like any bad habit it will most likey take practice. It will definitely be a life change. I just have to remember that patience will getme the results I want and will lead to a happier me in the long run.

One Closed Door May Lead to a Million Opened Doors

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."~ Helen Keller

Today I found out that there is just no chance of my going to Europe for the summer program. The payments aren't spread out enough for me to afford it seeing as most of my money has gone to rescuing Michael and my apartment situation/lack of money. He's finally got a stable job but there just isn't enough time nor money to replace it all by the deadline. With yearbook and homework I just don't have time to get a part-time job. So I guess this door of opportunity is closed. It just wasn't meant to happen.

Though I'm a little discouraged, I know more doors will open for me. One closed door isn't the end of the world and I'm not going to let it be.

Classes and the Beginning of the Spring Semester

So, there is no quote because this is simply a continuation of my last entry since I've had my first day of classes.

I'm pretty excited, to say the least. This semester I'm taking two courses for my Writing major [Literature and Short Story], two for my Psych major {Intro to Psych and Cognitive Science], and finishing up my foreign language requirement with Spanish 212.

The writing classes are very typical. Although, in lit we're reading Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" and a good amount of Hemingway which I love. They're two of my favorite classic authors. So, I'm very excited about that. In short story, we're writing four stories this semester so I'll definitely get my practice.

I'm really eager to get started on my Psych major. Both of my classes seem fairly straight foward and interesting. I heard CogSci was a beast. Hopefully it won't be that bad. In Psych we have to write one critical thinking paper from a list of topics and one of the topics is Child Care Attatchment and Development. I've never been excited about a paper before but I can't wait to dive into this especially since my focus is child development and such.

I had very negative feelings towards Spanish because of last semester but I like this professor so I think I'll enjoy Spanish more this semester. I'm ready to be done with it to be honest.

Overall, I feel as if this may turn out to be a good semester after all. I'm interested in all of my course topics so that'll definitley get me through it. I actually can't wait to get this semester going.

It's weird, but after these next 3-4 months, I'll be a junior in college. Crazy! Two more years after that I'll be done. Time sure does move fast. I think I'm starting to narrow down my options as far as post-college goes. I'll either go to grad school, work in childcare or social work, or start out at a magazine or freelancing. Either way, I'll figure it out.

The Bittersweet Ups and Downs of Second Semester

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." ~Winston Churchill

Well, my second semester of my sophomore year of college starts tomorrow and I can't help but feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I mean, I have a lot to be excited about. I'm starting my new major and continuing writing and I have some pretty interesting classes. Plus, it's my last semester of Spanish ever.

However, I didn't do so well last semester. My grades were definitely not what I expected nor did they reflect my best effort. In other words, I'm a bit discouraged. Also, four of my friends are studying abroad this semester and I'm kinda feeling the "I miss them" blues.

I can remember back in high school and all the years before that. I used to be so eager to learn and write and go above and beyond. Somewhere I lost that. I'm not excited to go to class [or motivated] and I haven't written or even read anything on my own as often as I used to. It's a little disheartening.

But with a scholarship to keep up with and money stresses, the pressure just takes away from the eagerness. I really miss being excited about something. And I miss having money to go out to eat and shop with my friends.

It's been a stressful last few months and I'm trying to stay positive about all of it but the question haunting me about this semester is: Is it going to get better or worse?

I want to be confident in things getting better but with the way things have been it's so easy to lose that confidence. My footing is very unstable where I am right now. A not-so-great gpa and a not-so-full bank account with expenses knocking at my door. Michael has yet to find a stable job since the Applebees problem and all of this rolled into one clump can really weigh on a person. I cna either let it take me down or fight it and keep my head up. It's obvious which is the better choice.

So, lets hope this semester is a turn around from the last.

Positivity: My Secret Weapon for the New Year =]

"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Hello to 2011!!!

I must say, I feel like this is going to be a great year. So many people are talking about bettering themselves and it's great to see. But one point a few people have been making is the new year isn't what gives you a fresh start. If you want to change, you should just do it. We shouldn't use the new year as an excuse. If you really want to change, then just do it.

I'm not much into 'changing' but 'improving'. There are so many things I want to do and a certian direction I would like to push myself in. I slowly began that path in 2010 but now I really want to take incentive and really push myself. I have resolutions sure, but they are goals I have always had. Now I want to push myself in the direction I've been leaning towards.

I am the only one who can take control. So I am the only one who can steer my life the way I want. I'm very lucky to have some amazing people in my life who give great pep talks and just keep me strong. I really do have some kick ass friends and family [you know who you are].

I am filled with so much positivity it's crazy. Granted, I'm typically a positive person but I have fallen off the wagon more than I like to admit. But I can honestly say that with my amazing friends, family, and boyfriend, I have a GREAT support system in my life.

I'm excited to embark on the journey of 2011 and see where I end up this time next year. Normally I'm scared of change but 2010 really taught me to embrace it and just let life take it's natural course. Change the things I can, accept the things I can't.

My motto for the year is to LIVE, LAUGH, & LOVE. And with such great people in my life, that wil definitely not be a problem. =]

'Tis the Season for Change

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~Maria Robinson

As the new year approaches I find myself paying more attention to my behaviors and reading entries from early this year. It amazes me how much has changed around me yet I'm still the same. Or at least I think I am.

In fact, I start to realize so many things I just dislike about myself. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but there's just so many aspects in my life that I feel I can improve on. There are a lot of times I feel out of control (Yet, being a control freak is not a good thing so maybe I should let this go) and other times when I feel like my heart is in something but my head isn't meeting it half way. Then I get to thinking more and I see how much I take for granted sometimes.

Maybe everyone feels this way around this time of year because having a "new" year pproaching makes you think of all the things you can change. Like, I complain A LOT. I don't mean to do it, I just do. And I definitely take what I have for granted because I'm never happy with what I have. I always want something else. A lot of my friends can testify to this because it annoys the hell out of them.

I see what I want for myself and my future but I don't feel as if I'm on the right path there. And that needs to change. I'm proud of myself and my life... sometimes. That "sometimes" needs to become an "all the time." I need to start living life for me and appreciating the things I have instead of complaining. This day last year my mind was in a total different place. A week from this day I was a mess and saw some of the darkest days I've seen in my life. I'm not sure if I believe in God or anything for tha matter. That's an internal struggle I've always had with myself, but something decided the path I was on last year wasn't right and it turned my life upside down. I still feel a little turned around once in awhile and I feel as if this is my year to put things back into place.

When I look at the big picture I see that in 2 and a half years I will be out of school and the real world will be right there staring me in the face. How am I going to face up?

It's these years before then that are going to determine that and I don't want to waste them.

I want to improve my relationships with the people that mean the world to me and improve the relationship I have with myself. I want to make 2011 COUNT for something. And those are my intentions.

No more hoping or saying, I want to actually DO something. I've been lazy and let my life fall back into a new pattern, now it's time to LIVE that pattern. You have to greet change with more change and that's my motto of 2011.

My Next Chapter

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words onto them ourselves. The book is called "Opportunity" and the first chapter is New Years' Day."~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

With the year 2011 fast approaching, we begin to start hearing things like, "this year is a new beginning" or "this will be my year to start over" But how about just simply using New Years' day not as a place to start from scratch but as a place where you put all that you learned from the previous year to better use beginning that day?

Life grants us new years, not new lives. As 2010 comes to an end, I ponder what it meant to me.

To me, it was my transitioning year. A year of moving on and finding where it was safe to put my feet again; a year of new people that I grew close to and old people that became more important to me.

I could make a list of resolutions but why bother? My resolutions are the same goals I've always had for myself... "to be happy."

This time last year I was a completely different person, which isn't surprising but it's weird to look at where you were just last December compared to where you are now. Was this a successful year for me?

Well, I didn't get in shape and fit into the size pants I want but I conquered a lot more.

I started working out, I went from army girlfriend to Michael's girlfriend, I got my own apartment, I got good grades, I made new friends and got closer to old ones.

To me, that's a successful year.

In reference to the quote I used, I love it but it doesn't fit perfectly... New Years' Day won't be my first chapter in my book of opportunity. It will be my next chapter.

Hope you guys like the new look of the blog!
I won't have internet over break so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)

An Overdue Update

"Stress is the spice of life."~Hans Selye

I know I haven't written in a LONG time which is crazy because usually I try to write as often as I can. Life has been pretty busy... and defintely not without stress.

Michael moved into the apartment almost a month ago. We love it. It still is suffering from a lack of furniture but we don't mind. The fact that we have our own apartment is exciting enough. (But hopefully we'll be able to get furniture soon).

School has been a pain. Although I'm making better grades than I thought, it's still a struggle. Spanish is really difficult. I suck at it. We are required to speak so much and I suck talking in English in front of people. Doing it in Spanish is a disaster. I'm really nervous about the final.

Also, money is becoming a bigger and bigger issue. Michael was supposed to transfer right in to a company but they screwed him over and after a month he still has no job. Which means all the expenses are coming out of my pocket for now. And as a college student who just does work study and writes for a low paying publications office, it's not getting us very far. We keep waiting it out and he's had to apply all over the city to find a job which at this time of year people are only hiring seasonly. My funds can only go so far and I'm trying to save up for my trip to Europe in May to study abroad. I feel like pulling my hair out. Between money and classes and Michael not working like he should have been, times are rough.

It's amazing I can find anyway to smile and not have a panic attack. I just try to keep in mind that without stress and obstacles life would be boring. And even though I have a long way to getting things more secure, I still have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

I have an amazing boyfriend that I see everyday, great friends, great family, I'm in college working towards a good future, etc. One day all of this stress and aggravation will pay off. One day...

Decisions, Decisions

"Education is not a preparation for life; education is life itself." ~John Dewey

So, over the past month I've been considering taking on a double major and adding Psychology. I've always been interested in how the human mind works and what causes people to behave the way they do. More so, I'm interested in children. I was at a tie between education or psychology. I have no problem with teachers, I just can't see myself being one. Plus, if I decide later on in life to be a teacher, it isn't as hard to come back and get certified as if it would be to come back for Psychology.

Today, I finally went to talk to my advisor and he said getting a major in Psychology is completelty achievable along with my Writing degree and my History minor. This excited me. Plus, if I work towards a Psych major but can't complete it in my last 3 and half years (which shouldn't be a problem) I can always be a minor instead.

I feel as if my future is more secure with this. I can be a social worker or child care specialist and still write on the side and publish novels. Or, if I want to focus on Writing as my main career, I always have Psych as a back up. This makes the real world seem less frightening in a sense. lol.

Another thing my advisor and I discussed is this whole study abroad thing. I don't think I can afford a whole semester and I don't really want to leave the states for that long. So' I'm opting towards the summer program. Turns out, there is a Writing summer program this summer that will allow my writing to be workshopped by authors who visit London. Many of these are best selling writers! How awesome would that be? Plus it's only five weeks and I still get to travel plus go to the Paris trip at the end of the program. And the overall benefit is that it's a lot cheaper than going a semester plus I won't be away from everyone for so long, especially Michael.

So this is where my head has been lately. It's an exciting place in this mind of mine but I'm slowly starting to figure it all out, thankfully. So I guess the big news here is I'm going to be a Psych major now and I might be going to London this summer!

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

"Money often costs too much."~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love this quote for the simple fact that it's so true. Money does cost too much: too much time, too much effort, too much stress, too much BLAH.
I can't stand it.
All of my life I watched my parents struggle with money. My dad was always getting laid off and my mom was just a waitress. Christmas and birthdays weren't extravagent. We lived in a two bedroom apartment in a not so great suburb of Saint Louis. But we made use with what we had. My brother and I never complained because we didn't know anything else. We were taught to be grateful for what we had and I am very grateful. I had a home and food to eat. I have a great family, good friends, and I'm in love and loved by my best friend. I count all these blessings.
But with the expenses of the apartment coming up it makes you think how hard you have it compared to others. My parents couldn't buy me a car for graduation. I can't even buy me a car. I can't wear the brands I want or decorate the apartment exactly how I would like. I'm going to be in debt for most of my life because nowadays you need an education to be anything.
It makes you bitter when you watch people around you buying houses and cars and having children and affording weddings. I barely afford my phone bill. but that's life.
I can sit here and say I wish I had it easier but I don't and that's how it is. Some people get lucky. I'm one of those people who was born to work and struggle for everything I have. And that's what I've done. Has it been easy? No. Do I get bitter because of it? Yes. But that's how it is and I can only change it myself and be the hard worker I am.
This ties into my weight issue. I just gotta do it instead of feeling bitter. That's how it is.

On a separate note, I'm considering taking a double major in Psychology. I've always loved it. I want to specialize in Developmental Psychology so it will let me work with kids which I love. This gives me a guarenteed outlet for a job. This career field is more secure than writing. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and we'll see what happens. I'm actually fairly excited about it.

I guess the main thought behind this blog is I just want to make the most of my life. I want to do well and give my children more than I had. I want to repay my mom for everything. I want to afford good presents for the people I love. I want to be able to make the life I want and the one I'm most happiest with. I want my husband to come home everyday to a home he can be proud of. A home I can be proud of . That's all I want in life: to look back on what I have and say "I earned this. I worked my rear end off for this and isn't it amazing?"

A Long Wait, A Great Reward

"All good things arrive unto them that wait-and don't die in the meantime." ~Mark Twain


It finally happened. After two fails and thinking it was never going to work, Michael got approved for an apartment and is moving here early November.

I. Am. In. Complete. Awe.

I just can't believe that FINALLY I'll have my boyfriend here everday for lunch dates, dinner dates, date dates, and everything else. No more stupid Greyhound. No more going through crappy days with just his voice through a phone. No more being sad around other couples.It's all over in a month. Just one month. I am beyond estatic.

I can't wait until moving day. It will be amazing to have him here all the time.

"Stress" is Not in my Vocabulary

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandhi

So, just as a little update, my life has gotten a little hectic. I say hectic because I don't want to say "stressful." I hate that word. I would like to rid my vocabulary of the word "stress." And with everything going on, stressed is not something I want to describe myself as, more like "involved", "preoccupied", or just plain old "busy."

Just htis week alone I had a story and four exams. Can we say the buzz of our upcoming Fall Break is in the air? Plus, besides the immediate demands of school, I have other concerns.

Money is a main one. Yes, I know. I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be broke. I, on the otherhand, don't believe in that stereotype. I like to save and find bargains and all that great stuff. But lately, EVERYHTHING has wanted money out of me! I mean, jeez. Phone bill, neccessecities, going out, trying to save for studying in Europe, and not to mention a car. Where is all this money supposed to come from? I'm a full-time student with a work study job and a writing job. That is not enough to pull anything out of for savings.

Not to mention, Michael has an appointment this weekend to get the apartment, if he needs help with paying for anything in between transfering from St. Louis to here, I can't cover anything. I can barely cover for myself.

With all this said, I refuse to let myself get overwhelmed because I know it will all work out. College may be sucking the green out of me now, but this is an investment that will lead to a higher paying job than I would have had. I'm a smart girl who got myself here, and just like every young person I'll go through a broke period and then get it all right. I'm not going to speed up my life because it gets a little hectic.

I can be perfectly calm, cool, and relaxed and just figure things out as they come. On that note, I have to say this... "YAY, MICHAEL IS FINALLY GETTING A PLACE HERE!!!!!!!"

To Go or Not To Go?

"We wander for distraction, but we travel for fullfillment." ~Hilaire Belloc

I have an issue that has been on my mind off and on for months, yet it's my prominent thought for the last few hours. So, here I sit on a porch swing behind my dorm, surrounded by the peacefulness of crickets and air. Maybe being out here and writing it all out will clear my mind?

Last year, I made the decision with myself to take the opportunity my University offers and study abroad in London which also provides school trips to other places. My financial aid carries over so all I have to pay for is travel expenses. I decided this, however, when I was single and I had no idea I would fall in love with my boyfriend, Michael.

Going to Harlaxton would mean five months in another country away form all of my family and most of my friends, and Michael. I miss Michael after not seeing him for a week, how would I get through five months?

He's making plans to move to Evansville in October to end the distance. And then next spring, I'm going to run off to Europe? How is that fair to have him drop everything and move away from everyone [friends and family] to start a life here with me that has no distance just for me to run off for five months and leve him here in a place he doesn't know anyone? I mean, does that seem unfair to anyone else because it does to me? I even feel a bit selfish.

He doesn't feel this way though. It's all my own feelings. He's pushing me to go and telling me he's not going to let me back out. But what if I want to?

There's another option of doing a five week summer program there but I don't think financial aid covers it plus it will cut down on the number of places I can travel.

I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to see all these amazing places like London, Irealnd, Italy, Wales, Scotland, etc. But is all that really worth putting that weight on my relationship and being unfair to Michael? Is it worth the chance of losing one of the best people in my life?

Maybe I'm being a little paranoid. Not sure. It's just been on my mind.

Bringing Out the Luck in Me

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I write about a lot of things: my friends, my family, school, troubles I'm going through, my daily life...etc. But one thing that stands as an undertone beneath all of this is Michael and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, there's so much I can say about him.

I never realized it but since we have started dating, Michael has been there for every little thing. Every little screw up or bad day, every little tear or smile. He was there. He's pushed me to my limit with everything in my life and to be honest I've been a happier person since I've let him become close to me.

It's hard to love someone, especially after getting hurt. That was the case for me. And here I am, happier than ever because I FINALLY opened up. I've had a lot of dark times this past year and when I think back over all of it, Michael is the brightest part. He never judged or criticized. He was just there.

They say the best person to marry is your best friend, and before this relationship, Michael was my best friend. Now he is still my best friend and also the love of my life. It took awhile to get to this point. It took me awhile to finally shut everyone out and think for myself.

But over the past weekend, I just had that moment where I looked at him and I just knew this is it. If I could pick one person to stand beside me, it would be him and all his little imperfections that everyone else seems to find. But to me, they're a part of him and they're what make him perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our situation isn't ideal. When is a long distance relationship ever ideal? But it's something I wouldn't want to go through with anyone but him. And the day he arrives with all his stuff to move into his own place down the street is the day I'll finally feel complete.

I've been thinking back to the person I was a year ago and she was a ;ot different than the woman I am now. I was girl then. Now, I feel like a woman. Michael lets me be smart, he lets me say what is on my mind, he never criticizes me even when he disagrees. He has truly opened the door for me to be who I am which I haven't been given that opportunity in my life before. But with him, it's easy.

So, sure, as Elizabeth Barrett Browning says, I love him for who he is and who he has become, but I love him more for the person I have become with him and I love him more for the person I'm going to continue to grow into. He brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. Together, we are more proud of ourselves than we were apart and that's when you know that love is true.

That's more than enough for me and if that's the card I got dealt, then I see myself as pretty damn lucky.