Decisions, Decisions

"Education is not a preparation for life; education is life itself." ~John Dewey

So, over the past month I've been considering taking on a double major and adding Psychology. I've always been interested in how the human mind works and what causes people to behave the way they do. More so, I'm interested in children. I was at a tie between education or psychology. I have no problem with teachers, I just can't see myself being one. Plus, if I decide later on in life to be a teacher, it isn't as hard to come back and get certified as if it would be to come back for Psychology.

Today, I finally went to talk to my advisor and he said getting a major in Psychology is completelty achievable along with my Writing degree and my History minor. This excited me. Plus, if I work towards a Psych major but can't complete it in my last 3 and half years (which shouldn't be a problem) I can always be a minor instead.

I feel as if my future is more secure with this. I can be a social worker or child care specialist and still write on the side and publish novels. Or, if I want to focus on Writing as my main career, I always have Psych as a back up. This makes the real world seem less frightening in a sense. lol.

Another thing my advisor and I discussed is this whole study abroad thing. I don't think I can afford a whole semester and I don't really want to leave the states for that long. So' I'm opting towards the summer program. Turns out, there is a Writing summer program this summer that will allow my writing to be workshopped by authors who visit London. Many of these are best selling writers! How awesome would that be? Plus it's only five weeks and I still get to travel plus go to the Paris trip at the end of the program. And the overall benefit is that it's a lot cheaper than going a semester plus I won't be away from everyone for so long, especially Michael.

So this is where my head has been lately. It's an exciting place in this mind of mine but I'm slowly starting to figure it all out, thankfully. So I guess the big news here is I'm going to be a Psych major now and I might be going to London this summer!

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

"Money often costs too much."~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love this quote for the simple fact that it's so true. Money does cost too much: too much time, too much effort, too much stress, too much BLAH.
I can't stand it.
All of my life I watched my parents struggle with money. My dad was always getting laid off and my mom was just a waitress. Christmas and birthdays weren't extravagent. We lived in a two bedroom apartment in a not so great suburb of Saint Louis. But we made use with what we had. My brother and I never complained because we didn't know anything else. We were taught to be grateful for what we had and I am very grateful. I had a home and food to eat. I have a great family, good friends, and I'm in love and loved by my best friend. I count all these blessings.
But with the expenses of the apartment coming up it makes you think how hard you have it compared to others. My parents couldn't buy me a car for graduation. I can't even buy me a car. I can't wear the brands I want or decorate the apartment exactly how I would like. I'm going to be in debt for most of my life because nowadays you need an education to be anything.
It makes you bitter when you watch people around you buying houses and cars and having children and affording weddings. I barely afford my phone bill. but that's life.
I can sit here and say I wish I had it easier but I don't and that's how it is. Some people get lucky. I'm one of those people who was born to work and struggle for everything I have. And that's what I've done. Has it been easy? No. Do I get bitter because of it? Yes. But that's how it is and I can only change it myself and be the hard worker I am.
This ties into my weight issue. I just gotta do it instead of feeling bitter. That's how it is.

On a separate note, I'm considering taking a double major in Psychology. I've always loved it. I want to specialize in Developmental Psychology so it will let me work with kids which I love. This gives me a guarenteed outlet for a job. This career field is more secure than writing. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and we'll see what happens. I'm actually fairly excited about it.

I guess the main thought behind this blog is I just want to make the most of my life. I want to do well and give my children more than I had. I want to repay my mom for everything. I want to afford good presents for the people I love. I want to be able to make the life I want and the one I'm most happiest with. I want my husband to come home everyday to a home he can be proud of. A home I can be proud of . That's all I want in life: to look back on what I have and say "I earned this. I worked my rear end off for this and isn't it amazing?"

A Long Wait, A Great Reward

"All good things arrive unto them that wait-and don't die in the meantime." ~Mark Twain


It finally happened. After two fails and thinking it was never going to work, Michael got approved for an apartment and is moving here early November.

I. Am. In. Complete. Awe.

I just can't believe that FINALLY I'll have my boyfriend here everday for lunch dates, dinner dates, date dates, and everything else. No more stupid Greyhound. No more going through crappy days with just his voice through a phone. No more being sad around other couples.It's all over in a month. Just one month. I am beyond estatic.

I can't wait until moving day. It will be amazing to have him here all the time.

"Stress" is Not in my Vocabulary

"There is more to life than increasing its speed." ~Ghandhi

So, just as a little update, my life has gotten a little hectic. I say hectic because I don't want to say "stressful." I hate that word. I would like to rid my vocabulary of the word "stress." And with everything going on, stressed is not something I want to describe myself as, more like "involved", "preoccupied", or just plain old "busy."

Just htis week alone I had a story and four exams. Can we say the buzz of our upcoming Fall Break is in the air? Plus, besides the immediate demands of school, I have other concerns.

Money is a main one. Yes, I know. I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be broke. I, on the otherhand, don't believe in that stereotype. I like to save and find bargains and all that great stuff. But lately, EVERYHTHING has wanted money out of me! I mean, jeez. Phone bill, neccessecities, going out, trying to save for studying in Europe, and not to mention a car. Where is all this money supposed to come from? I'm a full-time student with a work study job and a writing job. That is not enough to pull anything out of for savings.

Not to mention, Michael has an appointment this weekend to get the apartment, if he needs help with paying for anything in between transfering from St. Louis to here, I can't cover anything. I can barely cover for myself.

With all this said, I refuse to let myself get overwhelmed because I know it will all work out. College may be sucking the green out of me now, but this is an investment that will lead to a higher paying job than I would have had. I'm a smart girl who got myself here, and just like every young person I'll go through a broke period and then get it all right. I'm not going to speed up my life because it gets a little hectic.

I can be perfectly calm, cool, and relaxed and just figure things out as they come. On that note, I have to say this... "YAY, MICHAEL IS FINALLY GETTING A PLACE HERE!!!!!!!"

To Go or Not To Go?

"We wander for distraction, but we travel for fullfillment." ~Hilaire Belloc

I have an issue that has been on my mind off and on for months, yet it's my prominent thought for the last few hours. So, here I sit on a porch swing behind my dorm, surrounded by the peacefulness of crickets and air. Maybe being out here and writing it all out will clear my mind?

Last year, I made the decision with myself to take the opportunity my University offers and study abroad in London which also provides school trips to other places. My financial aid carries over so all I have to pay for is travel expenses. I decided this, however, when I was single and I had no idea I would fall in love with my boyfriend, Michael.

Going to Harlaxton would mean five months in another country away form all of my family and most of my friends, and Michael. I miss Michael after not seeing him for a week, how would I get through five months?

He's making plans to move to Evansville in October to end the distance. And then next spring, I'm going to run off to Europe? How is that fair to have him drop everything and move away from everyone [friends and family] to start a life here with me that has no distance just for me to run off for five months and leve him here in a place he doesn't know anyone? I mean, does that seem unfair to anyone else because it does to me? I even feel a bit selfish.

He doesn't feel this way though. It's all my own feelings. He's pushing me to go and telling me he's not going to let me back out. But what if I want to?

There's another option of doing a five week summer program there but I don't think financial aid covers it plus it will cut down on the number of places I can travel.

I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to see all these amazing places like London, Irealnd, Italy, Wales, Scotland, etc. But is all that really worth putting that weight on my relationship and being unfair to Michael? Is it worth the chance of losing one of the best people in my life?

Maybe I'm being a little paranoid. Not sure. It's just been on my mind.

Bringing Out the Luck in Me

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I write about a lot of things: my friends, my family, school, troubles I'm going through, my daily life...etc. But one thing that stands as an undertone beneath all of this is Michael and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, there's so much I can say about him.

I never realized it but since we have started dating, Michael has been there for every little thing. Every little screw up or bad day, every little tear or smile. He was there. He's pushed me to my limit with everything in my life and to be honest I've been a happier person since I've let him become close to me.

It's hard to love someone, especially after getting hurt. That was the case for me. And here I am, happier than ever because I FINALLY opened up. I've had a lot of dark times this past year and when I think back over all of it, Michael is the brightest part. He never judged or criticized. He was just there.

They say the best person to marry is your best friend, and before this relationship, Michael was my best friend. Now he is still my best friend and also the love of my life. It took awhile to get to this point. It took me awhile to finally shut everyone out and think for myself.

But over the past weekend, I just had that moment where I looked at him and I just knew this is it. If I could pick one person to stand beside me, it would be him and all his little imperfections that everyone else seems to find. But to me, they're a part of him and they're what make him perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our situation isn't ideal. When is a long distance relationship ever ideal? But it's something I wouldn't want to go through with anyone but him. And the day he arrives with all his stuff to move into his own place down the street is the day I'll finally feel complete.

I've been thinking back to the person I was a year ago and she was a ;ot different than the woman I am now. I was girl then. Now, I feel like a woman. Michael lets me be smart, he lets me say what is on my mind, he never criticizes me even when he disagrees. He has truly opened the door for me to be who I am which I haven't been given that opportunity in my life before. But with him, it's easy.

So, sure, as Elizabeth Barrett Browning says, I love him for who he is and who he has become, but I love him more for the person I have become with him and I love him more for the person I'm going to continue to grow into. He brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him. Together, we are more proud of ourselves than we were apart and that's when you know that love is true.

That's more than enough for me and if that's the card I got dealt, then I see myself as pretty damn lucky.

Who Knew Pooh Bear was as Impatient as I?

"How long does getting thin take?" ~Winnie the Pooh

My thoughts exactly.

Can I just tell you a little secret? BEING ON A DIET SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh, that's better. Oh, wait...you already knew that? Well, darn.

Actually, I'm not on a diet. I'm on this thing called "don't you dare eat that cookie or you will die!!!" or "eating so many vegetables you look green."

Maybe I'm overexaggerating. Point is, I've been trying to change my eating habits because there is this certain bikini I want to look amazing in next summer (along with other reasons) and I can't do it unless I put myself through this miserable thing called a diet.

I hate that word. I'm not on a plan made up by some bogus doctor or fame hungry celebrity. I'm on the old fashioned plan of no junk, more fruits, more veggies, and regular exercise. Shouldn't be so hard right?

Well it is when you're on a college campus that consists of junk food central and people eating junk food all around you. It makes abstaining from junk food a weeeee bit hard. And tonight was just one of those nights so I decided a blog of venting of my diet frustrations was a good distraction.

Moral of the story: Diets suck. I really want some ice cream but can't have it. The end.

(side note: I wonder if Pooh bear ever found an answer to his question because I would sure like to know.)

Many Meanings, One Word: Distance

"Insert here."

As you may have noticed, there is no quote for this entry for a very good reason. The topic is distance.

I searched every credible quote website I know of to find a quote for this and none of them fit because distance is something that everyone views or experiences differently. An army wife is going to experience a different sort of distance than a parent whose child has left for college. But in the end, it's still distance.

As much as I may not like it, distance plays a very big role in my life and to be honest, I can be quite resentful against it. But overall, who isn't? Distance is never a word anyone wants to hear. It means being away from someone or a whole group of someones for a period of time; It means not seeing someone on an every day, every week, and sometimes every month basis; It means expensive plane tickets and road trips that can not always be afforded; It means loneliness and ache for that person; It means worry when you can't always hear from that person; Distance is....well it's distance and it's something everyone experiences at least once n their life.

As a college student, I'm distant from all of my family, some friends, and my boyfriend. Phone calls, texts, mail, Internet, webcam, and occasional visits are what keep us in touch. Somedays it's hell. The miss becomes a lot when you're going through a hard time or some everyday thing reminds me of a certain someone. It can be hard.

But, what gets me through it is that one feeling you get when you first see that person again. I LOVE that feeling and as much as I hate distance, that feeling makes it seem minuscule the whole time I'm in the prescence of a friend, or family member, or my boyfriend. The longer the wait, the greater the feeling.

When I was an army girlfriend and hadn't seen my ex for months at a time, those two week intervals were what made my world turn. It's such a great feeling especially after you spend months worrying and aching. I have a lot of military associated friends and family who can relate to this.

Distance is hard. In relationships and friendships, sometimes it can result in the end of it. In families, it can mean a complete loss of touch. Distance causes pain and anger. It can cause depression and sadness. It's hardest when the one thing in the world you want is to see someone but you know you can't. This is distance from ALL points of view.

But, the point of this entry wasn't to make everyone depressed about distance. It's to make you all remember that feeling you get when you see that person again. It makes you realize that as much as being away from someone you love sucks, it brings you closer in a way. Love grows through it and explodes at that one point you see them again.

That's distance.

From 19 to 20, From Melissa to Lissa, A Summer of Growing Up

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." ~May Lamberton Becker

In two days, my summer is over and my sophomore year of college begins. It's weird. A year ago, I was scared being a freshman in college would never happen now, I'm a sophomore and life as an adult is seeming to kick in real fast. I figured I needed to write this blog now because within these next two days I'm going to be too preoccupied with packing and saying temporary goodbyes.

It's weird how much you can learn in a summer. I know I did. It's weird to take in the last three and a half months and see where I am now. I can truly say that I took away a lot from this summer. I lost and I gained and I lived. And really, that's the best way I could have spent my summer. The lessons I've learned and the experiences I've had will all go back with me to Evansville. My time is Foley, MO was definitely well spent.

Four months ago, my neice most likely didn't know who I was. My sister knew I was her sister of course but she didn't know ME, nor did I really know HER. That was something I always hated. It was always a fear that my neice was going to grow up, not knowing who I was. I was never meant to be the distant aunt. I was never meant to be a distant anything. I like giving everyone in my family a part in my life and I like to be a part of theirs. Before this summer, I was distant, now I'm a part.

Kelli and Bob let me live with them for the summer because I needed a place to go. A place to call home for a summer. I'll admit, at the beginning of the summer, I felt so out of place and like a burden on them. Then my mom and brother left and I was lost. It wasn't easy at first, but you never learn from easy things. I came with the intention of getting my driver's license. That didn't happen which was a little discouraging at first, but I've got plan for when I go back to get it.

I'm not leaving with a driver's license, but I'm leaving with something better:

A sister who's favorite color is pink; who dances no matter how crazy she looks; who bleeds red (Cardinals!); who can crack me up and keep me laughing for hours; who is always there for late night chats; who loves her family more than anything; who is more like me than I ever would have thought.

A neice who is the most perfect little girl I have ever met; who is smarter than any 3 year old; loves Dora the Explorer; can never be parted from her red "manket"; loves kisses and hugs; can swing for hours; dances to party in the usa like it was written just for her; loves to be read a book every night; thinks sticking her butt in the sprinkler is the funniest thing in the world; has definitely stolen my heart this summer.

A brother in law who loves his fishing; thinks shotgunning a beer makes him a badass (lol); provides for his family the best he can; can never miss The Deadliest Catch and if he's watching it, you better shut up; believes in great first impressions; who is definitely the big brother I always thought I would have.

A nephew who is completely hilarious; who has such a gentle heart even if he doesn't show it under his preteenagehood manly exterior; loves to play video games but loves it more when you play with him; is pretty darn smart; is going to grow up to be a pretty awesome guy and is the best nephew I could have.

In part from just learning about my family, I learned about myself as well. I learned that:

~being yourself is the best possible way to have more true friends.
~my friends in high school gave me some really good memories but they have moved on and so have I and that's how life intended. They'll always be there for that small chat and reminiscing though.
~the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.
~that no matter how many mistakes anyone in my family has made, they can still come back from it and show you they can be a changed person.
~little brothers never stay little brothers. They get buff and grow taller and become big little brothers. =P
~Family is family and they will always be there when you need them.
~life is short so live it right.

That's only a few things...I could write forever and ever and think of so much stuff I've learned this summer.

I'm going back to school 20 years old and a new perspective on life. I've become Aunt Lissa to beautiful little girl and Lis to a totally awesome sister I'm happy I got to know. That is the best thing that could have happened in a summer.

Wo"man" Up!

"You were only given this life because you were strong enough to live it." ~Unknown

I really wish I knew who said that quote because in my daily life, I'm always refering back to it. Because if you really think about it, it's true.

Here I am in this stupid funk because of one very minuscule thing: other people. When have I ever let other people start running my life? I used to be an independent, who cares what you say kind of girl. Now it seems like every little thing someone else says about me or does to me sends me into a funk that has me wrapped in it's fury. What do I think of that? BLAH.

I come from a family of strong women who struggled against alcoholic men for year after year after year. My grandma was in the military for awhile until she started having kids. Then after years of abuse she was strong enough to leave and take her four kids with her and move on. THAT blood is running through my veins.

I come from a family where all my uncles and both my grandpas were in the military for years. Both of my grandpas fought in wars. They have seen and dealt with things unimaginable to a lot of people. THAT blood is running through my veins.

I, myself, went through two years with boot camp, AIT, and a deployment. I have lived 19 years with an alcoholic father. I have went through three unexpected family deaths and two unexpected friend's deaths. I have pushed myself into college when I thought it was impossible and I have managed to keep myself enrolled and financially afloat. THAT is the blood in my veins.

That's proof of the quote. I was given this ONE life because I am strong enough to live it. There is strength running in my veins and there is strength that I have built with experiences that I hve been through. If I have survived all of that, then nothing is impossible. NOTHING can take me down.

There is no fake person, long distance relationship, or ANYTHING that can ruin the strength that my family has bulit up for me and that I have built up for myself.

I was given this life to live it, not to sit back and cry because someone screwed me over. I was given this life to be the confident, talented woman I am and nothing should hold me back from that nothing.

It's time for me to wo"man" up because that is what I was raised to do, it's what is in my blood to do, and it is what I have done so many times before. So nothing, should bring me down. I was raised a fighter and I'm not going to let that stop now.

(Thanks Ash. I love you dearly.)

Conquer and Learn

"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, I find it funny I write more here than I do in my actual journal....man I should change that.

Anyway, just a quick update on life for anyone who actually reads this. Summer is still going well. I can't believe it's halfway over. It means before I know it, I'll be back sitting in my dorm, chatting with Kenz and procrastinating on homework. (Ah the joys of college life lol) I'm really excited for my birthday coming up. I'm having a party, which I've never been allowed to do and all my closest friends and Michael will be there. It's gonna be a blast. I really can't believe I only have like two more weeks left of being a "-teen". Craziness!

Kenzie and Haleigh drove up last week and we all hung out and had a blast. I've missed them since school let out., no doubt. I also got to see Christine for a few hours. It was great. Reminded me what great friends I do have and how much fun life can be.

Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows Michael and I went through a bad time. We broke up for a little while and I really thought it was going to be over because one thing after another kept happening. I want to make it clear, that we are not going into an on-off pattern. It's on for now and things are building back up to normal. I was reminded how much work relationships are. No relationship is easy no matter how much love there is and no matter how compatible a couple may be. That's just how it is. Hopefully that lesson will allow us to stay on track and keep working day by day.

There will be no apartment in August like I've talked about in previous posts. Michael isn't moving to Evansville in August like planned. So yes, the long distance relationship will continue, probably for another few months. I'm not exactly happy, but it's for a good reason. Michael has decided to enter a program (It's basically college except shorter) where he will be training to be a police officer. He's moving on to the campus and will begin classes and work as a secruity guard. By the end of the program he will have a certificate and be a liscened secruity guard. The program will take anywhere between two-six months. Michael is determined to finish as soon as possible. He's then going to enroll in the police academy in Evansville and that's when he will be moving. Then he'll complete his training and in two years chould be a police officer. I'm actually quite proud of this decision. Law Enforcement is a ver respectable career field and pays pretty well. So I'm really proud of him.

Slowly, as the summer progresses I'm getting my life to be more of what I want it to be. No more drama and no more wasting time on the past and the what could have been or should have been. I realized that when life changes as drastically as mine did, it takes awhle to adjust and get a balance back. I made lots of mistakes but I'm slowly fixing them and avoiding new ones. I need to rely on MYSELF and trust myself to live this life right. Trusting myself will allow me to, as Emerson mentioned, conquer a fear each day and learn along the way.

In Memory

"He spake well who said graves are the footprints of angels." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today marks 4 years since my grandma passed away. It also marks the first time I'm not spending the anniversary with my grandpa. I guess it's hitting me kind of hard. I hate not being there on days I should be there for.

My grandma and I were really close. Hell, I was at her and my grandpa's house everyday practically when I was younger. I can remember some good summers. Like Grandma braiding my hair into piggytails to keep it out of my eyes, or her trying to fit into my Little Mermaid swimming pool with me and my brother, her getting a puppy just because I couldn't have one, always having a camera in my face because she loved taking pictures (hence where I got it from), or her just always stressing the importance of being there for family no matter how many mistakes they make. She always wanted to keep our family close. I remember one time she took me out shopping and I thought she was stealing earrings but she just had an itch under her shirt. We laughed for hours. Her love of wolves and angels is still all over the house. She loved old country music and loved to tell me how pretty of a girl I was and how she would need to chase off the boys. She loved all my friends and always wanted me to get as much time with them as I could. She stresses me being true to myself and getting into college. Well here I am.... God I miss her.

I just hope I'm making her proud, ya know.

Death is such a sensitive subject for me. I hate knowing that I can lose people I love forever. I hate it. I hate knowing that this life that I love so much is gonna end some day. It scares me that I won't live it right.

I hate that my grandma missed my graduation or me getting into college because these are things that were as important to her as they were to me. She was never selfish. Never. I got a lot about life from her and I don't ever take that for granted.

Days like these make me strive to be the best person I can everyday and enjoy my life to the fullest because you never know when it's gonna be over. I want to be close to my family and friends and love with all my heart and no fear because that's what my grandma would have wanted.

So, in memory of my grandma, I love you and you're always in my heart and on my mind. I know you are watching over me and I miss you more then you could ever know.

R.I.P

Happiness in Imperfection

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." ~Unknown.

I really wish I knew who said this quote because it is one of my favorites for sure. It's so true. Life is not about perfection. It's about making the most out of the imperfections and finding what makes them work. Life is better imperfected I think. It makes it a more adventurous ride.

Today has been a great day and what have I done? Absolutely nothing. Routine trip to Wal-Mart with the sis and niece, work, time with the brother and niece, and then friend/Michael time. I've had a very balanced day really.

My question is that I'm pondering is why do we put so much emphasis on the stresses in our life? My weight, money, car stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah. In the end, it's all everyday technicalities that can be worked through. But what really makes life worth living day to day?

For me, it's this:

Waking up to my two year old niece banging on my door at 8 a.m. My sister and I cracking dumb jokes on the way to run errands still finding a way to laugh until our cheeks hurt even though running errands is no fun. My brother in law snoozing on the couch like a boulder totally impossible to even move. Getting an im from my friend Haleigh that turns into an "I miss you!" fest between her, Kenzie, and me and a possible get together being planned out. Talking about how bad our asses are on Facebook for all my friends to see with Cyndi and Clarissa. A totally sweet messege from my friend Jess. Skyping with Shannon and planning a trip to Georgia with Michael to see Ashley, who I've recently reconciled with and couldn't be happier about. Staying up late until Michael gets off work just to get a phone call in before he falls asleep even though I've been awake since eight thirty.

This is my day. And even though I can sit here and be crabby about waking up or not seeing my friends as much or whatever else, it doesn't even matter because all this made my entire day amazing. The great thing is, these were all tiny things that added up.

So why linger in minuscule, fixable, therefore pointless imperfections when I can take in all these little things and make them add up to one hell of a day that leaves nothing but happy feelings?

My point exactly.

Mistakes

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them." ~Winston Churchill

I am not wise. If I was I would have learned the first time. And the second time. And then the third time.
It's hard to see how other people perceive you. It's hard to see yourself through their eyes. I wish I could because then so much would be different.
I seem to push everyone away with how I act and then I sit here wondering why they left. Because I made them. I've lost some friends I really cared about and loved having in my life. Now it's too late to get any of them back.
I had one of the best military wives as a friend and somehow I screwed it up because I had to write a stupid blog and be immature about a situation that could have been fixed. Now that's one less friend I have that I actually cared about having. I still think about it and even though I try not to regret things...this is one thing I kinda do. I think about trying to apologize but I would probably be wasting her time. She would never want me back as a friend and I have to live with that.
I ruined my first love by driving him away and then blaming him for everything. Sure, he made his mistakes but they didn't happen until I made mine. I think back to everything and no wonder he didn't pick me. I wouldn't have even picked me. And now I have to live with that too.
So yeah, I'm not wise. I didn't learn from past mistakes to become a better person. I blamed everyone else without seeing my own mistakes. I've been waiting for karma to come back around and wondering why things keep going wrong in my life and it's because karma has already come back around. I lost a great friend (plus some others) and a love that could have worked out if I had realized what I was doing to the relationship.
Now here I am doing the exact thing to my current relationships that I did to the others. So yeah I'm not wise. I've been stupid, jealous, and immature and it's too late to fix any of it. So now I'm stuck living with the knowledge that I did these things and now I can't change them or fix them.
I used to be happy. I used to think I had it all figured out. And now I've let myself down and I let a lot of other people down too. I talk about the poison that was in my life and really it was me poisoning my own life.
Why do I do this? Why do I act this way towards the people closest to me? Why can't I just be normal and let people enjoy being around me? Why do I have to sabatoge the good things in my life? And why do I blame others? Why do I have to not realize it after all is said and done and people have moved on while here I sit? Here I sit.
Funny how realizations come too late and don't make any difference when you really need them to.
To end this blog, I can only say this: To those who I have acted unforgivable to (if you even take the time to read this) I'm sorry for everything and I truly feel the regret I should have felt back then. I'm sorry I let you down.
Maybe I can start being a little wise now and make up for the mistakes I've made.

A New Thought For a Better Change

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Englebreit

So, I haven't written in awhile but there has been a reason for that. I've had so much stuff going on and I knew if I wrote I would just sit here and complain about everything so I didn't wanna do that. Complaining gets you no where.

Anyway, I guess I should update on everything that's been going on. My mom took my brother and left my dad. She went to Indiana. It was so easy to be angry at her because I came back to Missouri and then they left without even trying to see me and they have had these plans for months apparently. I was mad and felt abandoned that I can't see my own mother and brother for lord knows how long. They may come back, they may not. Who knows. It's weird because the three of us always stuck together and now I'm an odd ball out. That didn't help how angry I was. But I neglected to think that this is a chnage good for THEM. I already left and moved on. I already cut my ties. Now it's there chance. I should probably be proud of my mom for getting that far. Do I think it's permenant? I don't know. She'll get a break from dad and then think it's all better and go back. I don't think my mom will permenantly ever leave dad until James is graduated and moves in with me as the supposed plan says. But like I said, who knows?

I've been missing my friends a lot lately too. And not just my friends that I talk to everyday but ones that I don't talk to anymore or barely talk to. It's hard to forget about good times and then know that there won't be anymore with those people. It sucks but oh well. That's life. The people in my life now are the ones meant to be there.

My weight has been another thing. Even though I've lost almost ten pounds since I've been on summer break, I still hate the body I see in the mirror. And Michael hates it because like the great man he is, he just thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. But his opinion only matter so much. It's my opinion of myself that matters and I don't have the opinion I want.

And then things with Michael went through a rough patch and we're just now coming out of it thank god and hopefully we keep coming out of it. I think a lot of it came from me being so depressed about everything else and pushing him away. I just like to deal with things myself and he was there trying to help when I didn't want him to, but I finally realized that he was the one person I did need and after everything he still is. So yeah, hopefully we're coming out of this rough patch.

But now to refer to my quote. I need to start looking at the things I want changed and change them and change my way of thinking for the things I can't change. I'm in charge of my own happiness and dwelling on the past and the things I can't change which is why this quote is one of my favorite quotes.