New Years Ponderings

Yep, it's that time of year again and THANK GOD because 2011 has been a pain in my side. Actually, I've had a pain in my side since half way through 2010 but that's beside the point.
I'll admit-- I am one of those cliche people who loves New Years because I love the fresh beginnings. I love making resolutions and seeing how far I got the next year. Granted, I use everyday to set goals and move forward but just having a new year begin gives me a fresh mind.
Since my birthday I have definitely felt like I have turned things around. I put my grades first and I'm pretty sure I made all A's and B's this semester. I've been a better friend (I hope!) and have done well with avoiding drama. But most importantly, I've just stepped outside of the darkness and cloudiness in my head and opened up to what is really important to me that I started neglecting somewhere in 2010.
With this said, I can't help but feel SOME sense of pride in myself and I want to make 2012 my BIG year. I really want to come out of this next year with a list of accomplishments under my belt.
My birthday resolutions definitely still stand as well as all the other miscellaneous goals I have set here and there. I've decided to use New Years to set smaller, more specific goals that will keep me on track with my birthday goals and actually enforce a couple that I've been neglecting (like my weight!). Of course I'll post the list here once I've drafted it.
I'm excited for this year because I've already started turning my life back around and who knows where I'll be at the beginning of 2013 after all of this. I'm ready to find out :)

Sometimes the Truth is Hard to Face...

It's posts like these that make me glad I don't have very many readers...
This post is really difficult for me to write, mostly because it's about something that I really struggle with-- my weight. And I really have not been honest with myself or anyone for that matter regarding this problem and it has become more than I can handle.
I mean I have always struggled. I have had my healthy years and my chubby years, but this is beyond being chubby anymore. This is more than just a "bad week." And I need to acknowledge it. I've tried diets and eating healthy and working out but when they don't produce any results, I just give up.
When it comes to my weight, I seriously lack consistent motivation and confidence. Years of emotional abuse has not helped with this, nor has the torture I put myself under. I have a lot of underlying issues that have really contributed to my weight. My "relationship with food" as they say is so unhealthy that I'm happier starving myself than allowing myself to eat healthy all because if I do eat, then I can't control how I eat for the rest of the day. My body is such a mess because I overeat and binge some days, and starve myself the next. Truth is, I don't know how to gain control and stop this cycle.
I don't even want to see my family anymore because I've gained so much weight that I'm too embarassed to show my face. My sister is thin as a model even after having a kid and my brother is super in shape. I'm the heaviest in my family and it tears me up so much inside. Looking in the mirror rips me to pieces so much that I've stopped. When I brush my teeth, I completely avoid my image. I am ashamed of myself.
At 5'9, I should weigh between 130 and 170 pounds. My weight? A whopping 270 pounds. That is at least 100 pounds I have to lose and I don't even know where to start. I need help. Yet, I am completely broke so I can't even go to a weight management specialist or a nutritionist.
I am one of the fat girls guys make fun of and girls look at and automatically feel better about themselves.
I can't do this on my own. I've tried and I can't get control of this by myself and I need help. I don't even know where to turn.
Truth is, I am a very unhappy person because of my weight. Sure, it shouldn't matter. But when you're obese facing high blood pressure and constant back problems, it matters a lot. And even as I sit here admitting the truth, I still don't know what to do.

Just a Television Show?

Throughout life, there are so many things that inspire us. Whether that be obvious things like a person or a place or even simpler things like a book, a painting, or movie. I try to find inspiration in each day. I look for it in a news story about a young girl who dedicated her birthday to a charity or a sunset. I look for it in my friends and family or in the latest book I'm reading. I look for it in a song. Regardless of the type of media, inspiration in everywhere.
Today is the last filiming day ever of my favorite television show, One Tree Hill. And the reason I associate this with inspiration is because this show inspired me in so many ways. yes, it has been criticized TREMENDOUSLY. It's not the most outstanding television show and it can be unrealistic.
But to me, who cares if a storyline was too soap opera-ish. Who cares if you completely hate this show? For me, and the people who have watched OTH, we all know it's just a tv show (except for those crazy fan girls with no lives). We know the characters are fictional but for an hour every week, we felt what they did. That is the beauty of good writing and film.
Mark Schwan may not have had the classiest plot lines but he created characters people all over the world relate to in some way with every episode; characters we fell in love with. And if you don't like OTH than this still applies to whatever your favorite tv show is.
I have followed OTH from Day 1. And when my life was at it's toughest, I could lose myself in an episode and watch these fictional characters struggle in their own lives and come out strong and it always pushed me to do the same.
Peyton was and always will be my favorite character not because I was adopted and both my biological mother and adopted mother died, and not because I have experience with psychos or starting my own record label. But because when I was 15, 16, 17, 18 years old, I knew what dark times and losing your faith felt like. And like Peyton, I found my faith in music. In high school, I always shut people out and Peyton's character taught me that you just gotta let someone in sometimes.
Same with Lucas and his love of literature. Literature is my life and whenever that voiceover came on with a new quote, it meant something to me.
OTH wasn't just teenage drama. It showed that even when you lost your way, you could find it again in your friends, in music, in love, in art, and in family.
So when you say, "but OTH is just a tv show," to me, it was more than that. It got me through so much heartache and times of just being lost. And that part of my life is ending. I owe a lot to Schwan's writing and the actors' performances. I knew it was fictional and I knew that a lot of the stuff that happened on that show would NEVER happen in real life but that doesn't mean it didn't inspire me any less than a book or painting or a news story.
And just like anything that inspires me, I am eternally grateful for this show and the lessons it brought to my life.

#GoodnightTreeHill

Why Do I Write?

In my senior year and even in my freshman year of college, one question I heard as frequently as "What college are you going to?" or "What's your major?" is "Why did you choose writing?"
When picking my major, I didn't factor in how easy it would be for me to find a job in the field I chose as much as I based my decision on what I loved. But why writing? What is it about writing that sparked a flame inside me to make me want to dedicate the rest of my life pursuing it?
It's not a short and sweet answer. In fact I could write an entire novel about why I'm passionate about writing.
The art of writing has always fascinated me.
For me, having the ability to take something you see in the world or something that is completely derived from your head is a great talent. It's one thing to see something and appreciate its beauty and place in the world. It's another to take a pen to paper or your fingers to a keyboard and use words guided by the rules of grammer to recreate that beauty.
Sure, in a technical sense, writng is correct speeling, punctuation, grammer and the overall conveyance of an idea. But it's the way you utilize those things to make a reader feel the words, that I love most.
It's amazing how an idea from someone's head or an experience can be manipulated into words and sentences on paper in a way that makes someone feel happy or sad. They're just letters and punctuation. Yet, it's those that create new worlds and evoke the reader to feel along with the character.
In writing, you can create characters that a reader can relate to and find a piece of themself. It's mind blowing, how just an imaginary human, or place, or whatever can make a reader feel as if it really exists.
J.K Rowling is one of my literary heroes, simply because she took an idea she got on a train and turned it into the beautiful world of Harry Potter. This world she created kept readers hooked for seven whole books. And I'll admit, those words about a boy wizard and his struggle against evil made me feel a apart of his triumphs and cry with him during his grief. It's this ability of the author that drew me to the field.
Some of the greatest icons like Huck Finn, Gatsby, or Lily Barth are completly made up from somebody's mind, but that doesn't stop us from feeling what they feel and becoming in invested in their worlds.
I've never learned magic in a huge castle or faked my own death to escape my dad. But I feel as if I have because Rowling and Twain gave me that ability when they manipulated letters and words into a piece that became important to me and into characters that trusted me with their story.
Capturing the beauty of life in words and creating characters that help us understand that beauty is why I write. Having the ability to take a piece of myself and create an entire world that will hook a reader from page one is why I write.
Writing isn't a craft to me. It's a passion. And no matter what happens, I'll always have those characters and words helping me understand the world around me.
I can only hope that one day I'll be able to do the same.

Bucket List :)

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how I hold myself back or let things and people in my life hold me back. Well, I'm tired of it. I want to stop just "going through the motions." I want to live and explore to the fullest of my capabilities. I want to look back one day and think "Damn, I did a lot." I want to learn who I am through living and experiencing. And that's the attitude I have had recently. Then, I found a Tumblr page with bucket list items. So, I wanted to share some of the things on my list.

And so, so, so MUCH MORE. I wish I could fit it all into this entry but that's impossible.
It's not impossible, however, to do any of it.

Finding the Poetry

Today I came across a quote that really stuck with me:

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." ~George Eliot

People say don't live in the past. That's good advice, but I don't think we should completely forget our past. All those trials and lesson you encounter have made you who you are now. I used to try to bury my past and completely shut it from my present memory. But lately, I've learned to embrace it and work it into the decisions I'm faced with at this time in my life. Your past can be a useful tool to build from. It can also be a good reference in times of hopelessness and weakness. We weren't given an instruction manual for life, but the past can be one that is left unfinshed.

I don't mean to say let's all focus on our pasts. What I mean is, we should continue to learn from it and refer to it as a guide in certain situations.

Personally, as someone who wasn't the best version of myself last year, I find comfort in this quote. To me it means that despite the mistakes and dark times I encountered last year, I can come back from it. The person I was proud of when I was 17, 18, 19 years old is not lost. I'm still her underneath the new experiences I have encountered. My direction hasn't changed, I just lost pieces of it.

At 17, writing and literature was my life. I wrote constantly. Yet, now at 21, I only write when school requires it. I could find that passion again. It's not lost. Just like my love of music isn't. At these ages I remember just sitting back and listening to songs that meant something to me and finding peace in them. It was a form of release for me and I gained a type of euphoria from the lyrics that made sense of the world. I have forgotten this euphoria.

It's aspects like these that make me nostalgic of this part of my life. It was my ability to find poetry in every day and put that poetry down on paper to make a story out of it. I don't miss the two bedroom apartment that overlooked the highway. I miss the girl behind those walls who found beauty in how rain dripped from the window ledge or how my mom moved her lips when she read.

I lost touch with my spirituality. And I don't mean religion. I mean my sense of the world around me and my ability to always find something beautiful about it. I miss the music behind a pen on paper creating words that came not from my mind, but my heart.

Nostalgia isn't a bad thing in my eyes. It reminds us of the people we want to be. And as Eliot says, it's never too late to find that poetry or music in my life. It's there in every moment of my life. I can still be that girl I might have been before I lost my way. And that's the most comforting thing of all.

The FAT Question

I hate the word "fat". Hate, hate hate it. I have tried eliminating it from my vocabulary all together. It's a mean word really. I mean, type "fat" into google and you get:

Type in "skinny" and you get:

And yes, these photos are meant to be exagerrations, but are they really? Is this how our soceity really perceives "fat" and "skinny"? I think so.
Look at the obvious difference between the two sets of photos. The "fat" women are shown with food while the "skinny" women are wearing designer clothes. There is something wrong with this. Even though (well at least for me) I cringe at all of them. No one wants to be that heavy, and personally, I would never want to be that skinny. Both are not attractive.
Then there is this picture:

The women's ideal is smaller than both the mean's ideal and the national average! Why are we all so hung up on being as thin as we can be. I see nothing wrong with a size 14. Yet being a size 14 is joked as being "fat". And to me, that woman is not fat. She is gorgeous.
Yet, we always see 14 or 12 as a bad number.
I know from personal experience, that soceity sucks and so does the whole weight question. I've been that size 14 and let me tell you, I still got called "fat" and felt horrible about myself. but as time went on and I've gained and lost, size 14 is healthy.
That is where our soceity goes wrong. There should be no "fat" or "skinny". It should be healthy. At 150 pounds I am going to look A LOT different than someone else who is 150 pounds. The word unique is not just some cliche. Everyone is different. Yet, our soceity makes us strive to be that size 6 or even 0. But it's not REALISTIC.
What should be our perception is to be whatever weight is healthy. If you eat right and exercise, then your weight will take care of itself. And that weight, is what's most natural. But the weight you acheive when starving yourself or forcing yourself to go to the gym for hours and hours... that is unrealistic. but stuffing your face with chips and cakes isn't realistic either.
There is a horrible misrepresentation when it comes to weight in this country. We should start getting our heads out of the anorexic and bulimic girls' butts and just eat healthy and take care of our bodies.
That's my outlook at least.

Boy, How Quickly the Future Comes Along

More and more lately, I am discovering how one minute you're saying "Well, 5 years from now..." and then in the next, 5 years has come and gone and you're planning for 10 years.
I mean it seems like just yesterday I was looking at colleges, planning on where to go and what to major in. Now here I am, 4 years later, only 3 semesters left until I walk across that stage and receive that degree. And now, not only am I planning the rest of my college careers, but now I'm looking into Graduate schools. Even as I write this, I get butterflies in my stomach from the mixture or excitement, fear, anxiety, and overall joy.
I even get that same feeling watching my closest friends and family as they move along in life. Like my baby brother is graduating high school. Or my former roommate/one of my best friends is engaged and wedding planning! Or even, one of my other closest friends is pregnant with her second child! And I know it sounds weird, but I am just filled with so much happiness for all these people in my life that I love.
It just reminds me why life is something to love and cherish. It's looking back and seeing how far you have come and how far you still have to go; how many great memories there are to experience, and lessons there are to be learned. It's seeing that glow on a best friend's face as she walks past a wedding shop knowing that'll be her in the future. Or seeing another best friend prepare for a precious baby boy. It's all of these things.
I have learned a lot of hard lessons this past year and throughout my life. But one of the biggest is that happiness really does stem from seeing the people around you getting what they deserve from life. It really makes all the bad days worth it all.
Time goes by so fast. in a second it seems you go from deciding what to major in to planning for graduate school, fretting over who to go to prom with to marrying the love of your life, or even watching a family expand from one child to two.
It's so cliche but I'm gonna say it. Life is a beautiful thing, and through all the triumphs, heartache, dissapointment, and bad days, I am so happy to be standing where I am preparing to move forward in my life as well as watching the people I love most being blessed with all they were meant to have.
it's truly a great feeling. <3

A Video For Domestic Violence Awareness

Well, here is a video I made for DVA. Basically it's me singing a song and talking about domestic violence. Not the greatest but it's something.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

Domestic Violence Awareness

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, a cause that means a lot to me and that I try to advocate. Here are some definitions and statistics:

IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS:

• Domestic Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological. It includes behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
• Physical Abuse: Any form of pysical violence along with denying a partner or children medical care or forcing alcohol or drug use.
• Sexual Abuse: Sexual contact or behavior without consent
• Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. Includes constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with children
• Economic abuse: Controlling over finances, withholding access to money, etc
• Psychological abuse: Causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, or children, destruction of property, and forcing isolation.

IMPORTANT STATISTICS:

• 1 in 4 woman have experienced domestic violence
• Between 600,000 and 6 million woman and 100,000 and 6 million men are victims each year
• Women ages 20-24 are at greatest risk
• Woman of ALL races are equally vulnerable
• 3 out 0f 4 Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim.
• On average, more than 3 women and 1 man are murdered in America every year as a result of DV
• 50% of men who frequently assaulted their wives, also abused their children
• 3.3 to 10 million children witness some form of DV annually

**Domestic Violence is not a joke and should not be kept in the dark. Don't keep silent about it. Speak out. ***

Source of Definitions and Statistics- http://www.evefoundation.org/

Spreading That Positivity

"A man is but a product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes." ~Ghandi

"There are always flowers for those who want to see them." ~Henri Matisse

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine." ~Anthony D'Angelo

R.I.P Miss Negative

So, the girl who wrote that post yesterday? I beat her to death so she no longer exists.
Okay, so I'm not that extreme but little miss negative pants is gone. Why? Let me explain...
One of the goals I set for my 21st birthday was to rid my life of all toxic people. Miss Negative IS a toxic person so it is time to say good bye to her for good.
Seriously, Miss negative is that bitch that is always talking crap about you behind your back underlying everything you try to accomplish. Why should I let that big bitch win?
It's time to take Miss Negative behind the playground and beat her ass for all the crap she's been talking about me. So that's it. Miss Negative is out of my life.
Because I CAN do anything I set my mind to. I am awesome no matter who sees it or doesn't see it. I am my own motivator. I will get that A, lost that stubborn pound, work my butt off to get that job and so on.
I am not the little wallflower avoiding the world anymore. I LIVE IN THIS WORLD TOO therefore I have a say in how I let it affect me.
So goodbye Miss Negative, and hello (re)newed state of mind!

Yep, It's a Downer Post

Ugh, I'm sorry this is going to be a downer post but sometimes it's just how ya feel right?

I went from things going pretty okay, to good, to now right back to shitty. Story of my LIFE. It's like anytime things start to get remotely better, they fall back into crap again. Frankly, I am getting tired of it. Like seriously, who did I piss off for everything to always be working against me? What did I do because I swear I'll fix it. I have put all my energy into making my life right again and it all just keeps working against me.

Like, for instance:

• I finally get my laptop fixed so I can get ahead on all my papers and stay in contact with friends and family better. Then, something else on it breaks.
• I apply for A BUNCH of jobs. Finally get hired at one, yet I haven't got the call to start yet. WTH
• I have been working my ass off to lose the weight I want. Working out 4 times a week, buying ONLY healthy food. I lost 10 pounds and then I go on break because it's too hard to watch my calories at home (yet I still cautiously ate and chose healthy things) and here I am, having gained the 10 lbs back.
• And everyone in my life is getting married, having kids, and such and such. and here I am just struggling to keep my head above the water

IT'S NOT FAIR! I work my ass off for EVERY LITTLE THING only to have it unravel everytime I turn around while everything is just handed to other people (non-friends who don't even deserve it). At first I thought it was my attitude, so I started being more positive about things but all that's done has set me up for a harder let down.

I am so tired of working for nothing. It's exhausting.

A BIG Decision

So. since I've become a junior and college, I have been thinking a lot about where I want to go with all of this. In a year and a half I'll have a bachelor's in Writing with minors in Psychology and History. Okaay... so then what?
We all know that American economy is still a scary subject right now. And honestly, it scares me to death that I will work my butt off for this degree and end up working at McDonald's (I have heard some horror stories, let me tell you). And over halfway through my degree and time moving so fast, I don't feel ready to throw myself into that world of jobs and settling into life. I feel like there is still so much for me to see. I want to study abroad for a summer, enhance my writing credentials, and really perfect my craft.
So, I have decided to embark on the Graduate school journey. It's a scary thought but it would only be two more years. And a Master's degree is the highest I want to go (because really, unless you want to be a professor, who needs a doctorate in Writing?) I feel like with a Graduate's degree, so many more options can be opened for me and that extra time to perfect my skill will be so beneficial in the end. It'll also gove me more time to get a summer abroad somewhere before I have to worry about a job and all the stresses that go with it.
I'm still weighing my pros and cons but at this point in time, I am really considering it.

Fall Break!

Hey all, as you know I went home to St. Louis for Fall Break to visit my family (first time in a year) so here are some pictures:

my brother James & I

James ready for his senior homecoming

He looks so grown, jeez

So, yep. I didn't take many pictures but I did have a good time seeing my mom, brother, and my grandpa. My dad, well, he was enjoyable to be around for most of my break. He had a bad night while I was there (as expected) but not like crazy bad like I've seen him get.
Overall, it was a nice weekend.

WARNING: VENT AHEAD

So, lately I have been doing well as far as setting goals but what is life without a need to vent?
And boy, do I feel a vent coming along.
It started this morning with weighing myself and not being the weight I thought I would be when I stepped on the scale this morning. It happens. So, I looked at why it may not have happened and made a list of new changes. Doesn't sound so bad, huh?
Then I go into my Shakespeare midterm ready to kick butt and COMPLETELY FAIL. My entire essay was crap. The whole thing. And what sucks is it's 1 of only 3 grades that make up the class. I swear I wanted to burst into tears walking out of there.
I AM SO TIRED OF BEING MY OWN WORST ENEMY! I hate it. I am the only one holding myself back and I don't know how the hell I am doing it. Yes, I am probably being too hard on myself. (which is why I am calling this a vent and not making it an "official" blog entry).
I am just so sick and tired of messing myself up. I could have studied harder for that test. But what was I doing? I don't even know. You would think after losing my scholarship this would start grounding me.
But nooo. It's like I aim to sabotage myself no matter what I do. That's how I feel. I feel as if I am at war with myself which I kind of am.
Yeah, I am hard on myself. But how can I not be after letting myself dig this hole I am in. I just want to punch myself in the face sometimes for being so stupid.Yes, we all need lessons in our life to learn the hard way. Ok, BUT I HAVE FRIGGIN LEARNED IT so I wish the world would stop picking on me.
I feel so out of control sometimes even when I am. I just hate it. Maybe it's the atmosphere I am in?
I wouldn't be in it if ya know, one of thousands of jobs I have applied for would call me in for an interview or HIRE ME. How the hell can I get an apartment for me and James if no one will even friggin hire me.
I am just so frustrated right now. And I know when I sit down, breathe and think this all through I will figure it out.
The mistake I made last year was giving up and letting life control ME. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.
I am not going to give up. This is my friggin life and I am in control of it. ME. NOT MY INSECURITIES. NOT MY PAST. NOT SCHOOL. NOT MONEY OR DUMB JOBS. ME ME ME.
So, how about the world SHUT THE HELL UP for just one second so I can handle my shit. Thank you.

Hello October!

Happy October everyone!
I am very excited because October is one of my favorite months (December is the other). I've decided to give a small little update about what's going on. So here it goes:

• I have lost 10 lbs!!!
• James (my "baby" brother") has decided to move in with me after he graduates high school in June. He's decided to take some classes at the tech school here in town or he may take the year off. He hasn't quite decided yet. He has decided, however, that within the next few years he is going to enlist in the National Guard. That scares me some, but I want my brother to do whatever makes him happy. I'll be a proud big sis either way.
• I applied for a part-time job as a teaching assistant at a Pre-school so I am definitely hoping I get the job
• Apartment hunting is very time consuming lol but it's necessary since I need a big enough place for myself, brother, and dog.
• School is going well. It's about a month and a half into the semester and I'm doing pretty well.
• LIFE IS GOOD!

So yeah, things have been going pretty great. I get to visit my family in St. Louis next weekend, which is loooonnng overdue so I probably won't blog until then. I hope everyone is doing well!

p.s GO CARDS!! (they made the playoffs! So, let's get a repeat of '06)

Elsewhere

Don't watch unless you want to hear my awful singing...

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"Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, It's About Creating Yourself"

George Bernard Shaw once said,
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
But how do we go about creating ourselves? How do we know who to create?
Over this past week, I have had a lot to think about. Granted, this week wasn't one of my best, but I've had worse. Keeping a positive attitude is the only weapon I have in this struggle to re-create myself and rise above the not-so-great past year I have had. But the one thing I have forgot to really keep alive is, my determination.
The single mother going to school and working to support her child doesn't do it because it's fun. She does it beacause she has that determination to do the best she can for her child and herself. She doesn't do it because she wants to per se, she does it because her mind and heart are telling her she HAS to do it. The single mother isn't purposely trying to find herself. She is creating the person she wants to be. And in that sense she finds not who she is, but who she CAN be.
That's only one scenario of someone. But I bet there are many.
Everyday, I wonder, if I make this decision or that decision how will it effect me tomorrow or even further down the line. I second guess myself more than anything. And I really, I miss out on so many opportunities simply because I don't have the confidence in myself to attain anything more than what is handed to me.
But happiness isn't just given to people. happiness is a state of mind. It's about changing what is making you unhappy and learning to accept those things you can't.
I need a job. I need a two-bedroom apartment if I'm ever going to get my brother away from dad when he graduates in May. I need a car. There's so much in my life that I could change if  had the confidence in myself to do so.
I have this idea in my head of who I want to be down the line. But if I can't muster up the confidence in myself to be that person right now, I will NEVER create that person I feel like I could be if I just believed in myself enough to be it.
I can't learn or make anything out of myself if I'm not putting myself out there. I can't hide in the background of my life and let pieces fall where they may. Because obviously those pieces aren't falling where they need to.
In the midst of all of this, I find myself battling with myself. I tell myself you can do this, you can be that person you aspire to be but then that other part of myself comes along and second guesses me and causes me to hold myself back.
This isn't what I want. There is a whole world out there I want to be apart of if I couldn just stop holding myself back. I don't have to be on the sidelines. No one said that's where I belong. I can be out there, front and center, living the life that I WANT to. I deserve to be happy and it's time I let myself be happy regardless of how scary that big world is out there.
I can create the woman I want to be. I shouldn't be 21 years old feeling like I'm 16 again lost along the blurry roads of my life. There ARE chances out there for me to take. But sitting here waiting for them isn't getting me anywhere but stuck in the same place I have always been.
Creating myself is about the determination and patience I need to obtain it. I need to start PUSHING myself because no one is going to do it for me.
I am capable of so many great things. I know I am. Yet, I need to have the confidence in myself. I could make a huge difference in my brother's life. But I can't take care of him and help him get out of a home run by alcoholism and abuse if I can't take care of myself. This isn't just about me. I need to do it for my brother and for my mom. They are two of the most IMPORTANT people in my life.
If I can't do it for them then who will?
Once a upon  time there was a girl who aspired to get out of that two bedroom apartment away from the negativity my dad brought down on us. There was a girl who studied her butt off, who saved money, and who got herself into college without help and despite her dad working against her. That girl was me two years ago and it's time I bring her back, better than ever. I don't know where I lost myself along the way or if I had even found myself to begin with. All I know is, there is so much I could do with my life if I just push myself.
So, maybe it's time to take a pagem from Mr. Shaw's words and stop trying to find myself and just create that version of me I want to be.

A Healthy Snack Alternative to Replace Those Fatty Chips!

So in the midst of living a healthier life, I have been looking for new alternatives to snack on instead of junk. Today I made homemade pita chips and ate it with roasted garlic humus. DEFINITELY better than fatty potatoe chips or Doritos.
Recipe: Whole wheat pita bread
vegetable oil
garlic salt
pepper
Italian seasoning

1. Preheat oven to 400.
2. Slice pita bread (1 makes 16 chips)
3. Mix vegetable oil, garlic salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning in a bowl
4. Lightly spread on pita chips
5. Bake for 7 minutes.

1 whole wheat pita bread= 120 calories
2 tbsps. of Sabra roasted garlic humus= 70 calories

I'll Wear Out the Words "I Love You" and "You're Beautiful"

Marry Me- Train

This song is so perfect <3 maybe one day I'll find love like this....

There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be

Hey everyone!
I hope you all like the new look. I may still fiddle around with it, but I think for the most part I like my new blog look.
Classes have kept me fairly busy since they started last week. Overall, I am really enjoying them. I am taking two psyc courses for my minor (Child & Adolescent psyc and Lifespan Development), two Lit courses to finish off the Lit portion required for my major (Shakespeare and 20th century Female Novelists), and a simple Adult Wellness course for a gen. ed. credit. I've actually been intersted in the work so homework has been as enjoyable as homework could possibly get.
Monday I started working out at the gym again. And let me tell you, it was AMAZING. I forgot what a great feeling it was to just burn off all the stress of life.
For the most part, life has been good. I'm back on track with school and taking care of my body and it's a great feeling. I love it.
It's reminded me how life has its ups and its downs but really you've just gotta roll with the punches and let it take its natural course. Yes, last year sucked. But I NEEDED it to wake me up and make myself question the choices I had been making. Everything that happened to me and because of me, happened for this very reason.
Each day, I still hope to find that magical purpose for myself but who said that search had to be confusing AND miserable. No one. it should be fun, exciting, and momentous. And I am going to enjoy every minute of it and do the best for myself that I can. Yes, I'm going to hit some obstacles. But what would life be without a few road blocks? I don't have all the answers now but they will come to me as I go.
And that's only half the fun ;)
I hope everyone is having a great week. Much love. <3

Stand

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One Step At a Time

Hello blogging world!


Since I haven't post in a couple of weeks I decided to give a quick update.


My 21st birthday was awesome and I got to spend it with some great friends. It also forced me to put my new "guidelines" for this year into effect right away after some flakey friends and those friendships were ended. Who needs so called "friends" like that?


School starts next week and I'm a tiny bit nervous just because I did handle last year so horribly. In another sense I'm excited because I feel in so much more control than I did. Dean's List, here I come!


I have completely mapped out an eating plan and once school starts I'll have access to the gym to work out and get this weight loss popping.


I am also in the process of setting up my own fundraiser on campus to collect donations for the humane soceity. I am SUPER excited for this one! It's the least I can do to give back to an organization that does an awesome job getting animals adopted fast and reducinmg the number of animals that are euthanized each year. I am also cooking up a way to raise money for autism awareness that I hope is a success. =]


I guess my attitude has changed tremendously since a few months ago. A lot of people have been cut from my life and a lot of changes are in the making. It's exciting but scary. But in the end it's just what I needed.


Hope everyone is having a beautiful day!

Prudence Dreaming

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Change is Gonna Come

Alright, so every birthday I make goals for the year with an image in mind of where I want to be at the end of the chapter. And after this year (more like the last 6 months or so) I REALLY need to establish some goals to get life back on track and be a better version of myself by the time I reach 22. I really want to devote this year to myself and bettering me no matter how much I'm going to have to self-discipline myself. I'm ready for this and I'm ready to utilize this upcoming chapter of my life for the best. My birthday is on Friday and means a lot more to me than being legal to drink. It means a fresh start after a year of mistakes and dumb choices. So, for this year I am going to dedicate it to getting myself back on track.
The goals I am going to accomplish are:

• Establishing healthy eating and exercise habits to FINALLY reach that healthy weight


• Make Dean's list BOTH semesters


• Focus on my writing as a passion again and maybe get some things published


• Leave ALL drama and toxic people behind


• Get involved in a cause that means something to me (anti bullying, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, animal abuse, autism awareness)


• Start reading for fun again


• Make better more well-thought out decisions for myself


• DRIVER'S LICENSE


• Do more for other people


• Build my savings account and establish financial secruity for myself

That's what I've got for now. I'm sure I'll add to it as the year progresses. For now, I feel so motivated and ready to get this going. As for my blog, I'm going to start posting more helpful things for my readers and not just update on my life ALL the time or use my blog as a secondary journal. Also, starting Friday I think I'm going to start "Project 365" just to document this year in photos.

I hope everyone is well and wearing smiles on those beautiful faces. Until next time... :)

I Will Be Rising From the Ground

I normally avoid music by Disney stars because I'd rather not listen to the same songs as my 9 year old cousin but this song hit a soft spot. I think a lot of people can relate.

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The House That Built Me

Lately I have been feeling a bit homesick. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my upcoming birthday will be the first I've celebrated without any of my family. I'm excited for my birthday because I'll be surrounded by most of my closest friends but it bums me out some that none of my family will be around. All in all it has got me thinking a lot about "home." I feel like I've only blogged about the hardships of my childhood and the after effects it has had on my life. But to be fair, there was a lot of good things that I can look back on too and to this day, despite the hardships, I feel an ache for these things.
One thing ss definitely my mom. She really was my rock my entire life. I miss being able to talk and laugh with her while she cooked dinner. When I still had a bedtime it was an hour after my brother so I got to stay up and watch TV shows like "Law and Order: SUV" and "Without a Trace." Now anytime one of those shows come on, I have to call my mom because it makes me miss her. Staying up late on weekends and talking to my little brother is another thing I miss. When we were young we would wait until mom and dad fell asleep and we would get our toys out and play. I remember so many times we tried to muffle our laughing into pillows or had to run and dive back into our beds because one of our parents woke up. My brother and my mom were and always will be my BEST friends. I miss weekend visits to my grandpa's little pink house. Chatting with my now deceased grandma at the kitchen table or picking on my grandpa while he ate cookies and drank coffee. Eating popsicles or drinking lemonade with my brother on the back porch while my dad and Gramps worked on the old Dodge ram that always seemed to have something wrong with it. I miss racing bikes with my brother in the yard and how the red shed was always base. I miss cutting the grass and my grandpa's nickname for me. I miss seeing my grandpa's smile- the kind that reached his eyes and the little gleam he always had. My grandpa is the best man I've ever known even to this day. I of course miss family trips up to my grandma's small Indiana town where country music filled stores restaurants and the smell of coffee woke me every morning. When I think of the word "home" my grandma's town always pops into my head. Country quilts, homemade brownies, chasing my little cousins through the sprinkler, the creak of rocking chairs, and bonfires on cool Indiana nights. That's home. My grandma's town is and always has been my safe place. It's where my mom, brother, and I went every summer to get a break from dad, its where I healed my broken heart two years ago and it is where I always go when I need the warmth of home. It is my happy place. And as of last summer I miss my sister and her kiddos mote than I thought I would. I miss my sister's craziness and laughing with her over silly things and chasing my niece around. I thought I hated Missouri until I spent a summer in Foley.
I've had a tough past year and now that I'm turning 21 I feel like I've lost the girl I used to be. I feel like I've lost those roots that made me.... well me. These good memories along with the bad are what built me into the woman I am today. I feel like I need to get back in touch with those roots and find myself again. And I plan to. I complain and pity myself way too much when really I have tons of reasons to love this life I've been given. And I do. I love my life and the people in it and I cherish those things that built me.
 When they say home is where the heart is, they're right. and all these memories and more are with me everyday and I find home in them whenever I need to. "Home" is that kind of love that just never goes away even when life is beating you down.

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Somewhere I Belong

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Repeat Chorus] I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today [Repeat Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

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May Angels Lead You In

It has been 5 years since my Grandma passed and I still think of her everyday.
I love you Grandma.

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I Walk a Lonely Road...

So Harry Potter was amazing, of course. It definitely was an AMAZING movie to end the series with. I'm quite sad it's over though. Haleigh left this afternoon. I had a great time. It really made me realize how much I miss having her live here with me.
I know it's dumb because I have so many amazing people in my life, but I can't help but feel alone.
I miss waking up to always having people up like my mom drinking coffee and my brother watching cartoons. I miss my niece tip toeing into my room every morning to jump on my bed and wake me up. I miss my grandma watching the morning news. I even miss haleigh's annoying alarm that went off every morning.
I know I'm no where close to being alone but its hard not to feel it when everyone is so far away. and money is so tight on everyone that its hard to visit as often. and I just miss being surrounded by people I love every day, especially after a summer where I have spent majority of my time with myself and my dog.
I guess I just really miss everyone and I can't wait until school starts nor can I wait to graduate so I can move somewhere closer to everyone.

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Feelin' Fly Like It's Quidditch

This video makes me laugh so I thought I'd share :)

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With a Little Help From My Friends

So, I finally made my decision about school and housing. As sad as I am to say, I will not be returning to a dorm. But I will be getting my own apartment! I am beyond excited. It will be a simple one bedroom just big enough for me and my dog. I can't wait to sign the lease. :D
But that isn't the point of this entry. I am uber excited to see my best friend tomorrow night. We're going to see the long awaited Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and to just hang out and catch up. I have missed my bestie so much so I'm pumped. I will hopefully have some pics to share.
On another note, one of my other best friend's fiance was deployed for his first (and hers) tour in the middle east. And I remember how hard it is from personal experience so I got this idea to make her a "deployment survival kit" with just random stuff to help her get through it easier and make it go by fast. I'm excited to start working on it so I can give it to her when she comes down for my birthday party. So I hope it makes her happy and gets her through it.
Welp, that's about all the updating I have for now. Another new thing, is I think I'm going to start naming posts after songs that fit it.
Until next time.Have a great weekend everyone!

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Cleaning Up My Act

If you have followed my blog pretty regularly, you will notice I did some cleaning up and deleted a few posts. It is after 5 in the morning and I am being an insomniac. I have had this problem for the past month and it is a bit of a pain. Anywho, I am going to try to keep this entry as light as I possibly can. And warning- this may be long so bare with me.
Life for me hasn't been easy this past year. Anyone who is close to me knows I am struggling and that I haven't been myself. I have been pretty far from myself. And I apologize to anyone who has been affected by my lack of... well... lack of Melissa-ness. I really have been in some dark times lately and I have been struggling to pull myself out.
I will admit. I stopped caring. I got caught up in everything going wrong and I stopped being the Melissa I used to pride myself on. I stopped caring about things that used to really matter to me. I let myself go.
I have been blogging about all these so called changes I was going to make and to be honest, I didn't do anything. I tried for a week and then gave up. And in the process I gave up on myself.
And then I broke.
Last week I hit rock bottom.I have been hanging on to a relationship that has went bad and has gotten emotionally abusive. Sure, I broke up with him but in my head I still thought, "Well maybe this will push him to change," and it didn't. And surprise surprise, he didn't change. Nor will he ever.
I have completely shut myself off from the world and have questioned anything I have ever believed in.
I am a child of domestic abuse. I always will be but I have let that pain dictate my life. The man I thought I could trust turned out to have a temper larger than I imagined and I have been taking the butt end of every time he flies off the handle. He promised me anger management, went a few days, then that was it. I caught him having an ongoing online relationship with a woman in Ohio and that's when I broke up with him. Since then, I have been trying to get him to fix things but there has been nothing but more emotional stress and more online girls. And when I found myself confronted with ending my life, that scared me. Truth is, I have been running scared all along.
I was going to end my blog because I didn't see the point in it. But one day some troubledgirl is going to stumble across this and I don't want to be a failed blog. I want her to read this post and the posts following it and see someone who hit bottom and fixed it. I want to be a fighter not a quitter.
I have been pushing off my paperwork for school because I'm too scared to make a decision. But I need to STOP LETTING LIFE AND OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME. I need to take control for God's sake.
So tomorrow the plan is to get up and go apartment and job hunting around campus. I have over 1000 in savings that I was going to use for a car but I am pushing that off afford my own place or the dorm. I will not allow myself to stay here anymore. I am losing who I am to this and that is a tradegy. life is too short to be taken for granted the way I have been doing. I'm done. It is time to clean up my act and detox my life of all the poison.
Thank you to my friends and family who have stuck by me through all of this. I love you and appreciate you more than you know and promise to start making you proud again. Your love and support has not gone unnoticed and I owe you the world.
On a lighter note, Harry Potter 7 Part 2 comes out this week and my best friend is driving up to see it with me. I am beyond excited. I am sad to see it end but I can't wait to see this movie and my bestie of course. I have never been to a midnight premier of a movie so I'm glad this movie in particular will be my first. =]
I hope everyone is doing well and I will be updating soon after apartment hunting.
Love,
Melissa

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Facing Up

If there is one thing I have learned these last couple of months, its that sometimes you have to face up to your past and your mistakes. I have spent years running from my past. hell, I came all the way to Indiana. and truth is, it followed me and bit me right on the butt. I haven't posted in awhile because I have been taking time to assess myself. I made a choice to give up on the aca meetings because there was a religious aspect I'm not comfortable with. I'm not saying I'm an atheist. I don't know what I believe in and I'm fine with that. but when I made that decision I had to decide that if aca didn't work for me then I had to find something else because it would effect the rest of my life. after reading a lot and thinking until my head felt like it was gonna explode I had to come to terms with some bad stuff I've been running from. and after being torn down for so many years I realized I had no love, trust, or even respect for myself. I let my dad push me around and I have been letting every one else do exactly the same thing. that had to stop. I'm still coming to terms with my dads abuse and alcoholism. I'm not running anymore. every time a new past memory surfaces, I write it down and get out every feeling. and then I crumple it up and throw it away. it sounds dumb but it has helped me let go of a lot. I have been practicing loving myself and fighting all the negative feelings that have haunted me for years. I'm taking care of my body and learning to rely on myself. and I can honestly say that I'm starting to love myself and I'm healing. losing my scholarship was a big wake up call to me. college was the one thing I wanted so bad and I blew it for a guy. and that was MY fault. no one else's. I made that choice and I knowing can do better. I broke up with Michael and it was hard. having another failed relationship made me feel like a failure. but I'm not. I deserved better from him and I deserved better from myself. so here I am. I have made more progress than I ever have. and I am proud of that. the road is still hard and I'm running into a lot of obstacles but the fact that I am finally on this road means more than anything. I'm in the process of driving lessons and I'm taking my test in August. I have 1000 dollars in savings for a car to open more possibilities up for a better job. then I am getting my own place. the thought of being alone scares me but I need to know I can take care of myself. I talked to my mom about it all and she said she is proud of me for making the choices she never did. I'm finally shaping who I am as Melissa. not so and so's girlfriend or friend or daughter. I am just me. I make mistakes and I make choices I am not proud of. but now its time to face up and put me first. so simply put, here I am and I love myself. the end.

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Endings & Beginnings and the Road to a Destination

So, my Sophomore year is over. Thankfully. This was a tough year for me. And I'll admit, I hit a new low that I swore I'd never hit again.

A lot went wrong this year and I made a lot of dumb decisions. I guess this depressed me because I stopped being myself. I let myself forget that I am young and dumb decisions is what I should be making so I can learn from them. And boy did I make a lot of them.

My grades suffered and I hate to say this, but I didn't earn the gpa I needed to keep my scholarship. For awhile I considered withdrawing from UE and taking a year off. But to be honest, UE was my dream school and college was everything to me throughout middle school and high school. So I'm going to take out another loan to help pay for my last two years and I WILL finish. I will earn my two degrees and walk across that stage in 2013. No. Matter. What.

I won't deny that I feel defeated but that's life. And things like this happen for a reason and somehow I forgot that.

Somehow, I'll find myself again and this summer may be just what I need.

Where I Am Now

So, instead of saying life sucks, I guess I'll just talk about where it is at this point in time.
Michael & I pretty much have a failed relationship. Funny how I realize this AFTER I decide to stay here with him for the summer. So now I'm stuck. He still owes me thousands of dollars and I still have a puppy I refuse to give back to the humane society whom I need to find a home for along with myself.

I want a place of my own since dorm housing doesn't allow animals. But I doubt I could pay for it on my own, even if I can manage to get a part-time job. I wanted my best friend to get a place with me but she has withdrawn from school and is moving back out. And it turns out I really don't have any other friends close enough or willing to get a place with me.
I have like no relationship with my dorm roommate anymore and I''m pretty sure she doesn't even like me that much now. How did that happen, you may wonder? Well, Melissa decided staying at the apartment was better than staying in the dorm, therefore stopped seeing her roommate or spending any time with her. So now instead of having my roommate/close friend, I have a roommate who doesn't really like me anymore. Yaaay.

I am in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. I used to have savings and could afford trips to see family. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. All because stupid Melissa put everything into a guy who turned out to be someone else.

Smart decision, Mel.

So here I am faced with a failing relationship (again) and with tough decisions in a hole. Yippee. That's my life.

Life?

"I'm so ashamed of defeat, And I'm out of reason to believe in me." ~Seether

I guess I need to update. I've been avoiding bloggin because there really isn't much to write about in my life lately. Good stuff at least.
It's been a struggle lately and I've been dealing and trying to work through it all. I've pretty much reached this point where I'm just standing still trying to decide what to do now.
The school year is almost over and I'm pretty sure my grades this semester have cost me the scholarship that got me here. I've accepted that and have a plan.
My best friend is leaving after this year and I really don't know what I am going to do. My relationship with Michael is just in the dumps and she was the only thing keeping me going and keeping my head up. And now she's leaving.
Michael & I aren't on the best of terms. I could sit here and tell the million reasons why but I'd rather keep it private. There really is no relationship anymore. We don't laugh anymore, or hold hands, or go on dates. If we kiss, it's a once a day occasion.
This isn't where I saw this ending up. But that's life.
I once again have no where to go for the summer since I will NEVER EVER set foot under my father's roof again. So I am staying here in Evansville with Michael and it worries me. This could either help our relationship by giving us some time to sort things out or hurt it by adding to the already deteriorating relationship.
I have sense of being lost. I have no idea where I am going or where I want to go and my life needs some serious change. This isn't where I want to be but I don't know how to get out.
I could dump Michael and start from scratch but considering our cicumstances, it's not that simple.
I know I will figure this out sooner or later and get myself back on track. I've done it before. And maybe this summer is what I need. It's not going to be a fun summer of rivers and going out.
But it may be just what I need. With Michael working so much and everyone gone, I'll have a lot of time to myself to work out my head.
I just need to get throught he next two weeks and see where it all takes me.

And hopefully, I can find some reason to believe in myself again.

How thin is too thin?

So I haven't blogged in awhile but something caught my attention and pulled at my emotions. I have a tumblr and one girl I follow is trying to lose weight. I haven't paid much attention to her blog until now. Today I decided to read some of her entries and it just shocked me. She is on a diet of less than 300 calories per day and fasting. Then I went on to look at some her followers and they are all starving girls who still think they are fat and gross. When is enough enough? As I was reading these blogs I found myself feeling scared for these girls and scared of the road an obsession to lose weight can pull people down. I have struggled with my weight and I have had more "fat days" then good days. But seeing how these girls (my age and younger) have let food completely consumed them just tore me apart a little. It's sad. So I say to them and those with the same struggle: If you are overweight and not happy with your body, PLEASE lose the weight in a healthy manner. Don't reduce yourself to nothing because you may feel like nothing. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. And no matter how thin you are, you will never be beautiful unless YOU think you're beautiful. Don't starve yourself to nothing. What are you proving? That you didn't know how to take care of your body when you were obese and you STILL don't know how to care for yourself? Please. Beauty comes from the mind. You are beautiful. Eating a cheeseburger won't change that.

Spring Break, Puppy, & more!

It's that time of year again. Yep, spring break!!!!
Oh how I am looking forward to a week of no class. Just saying.
Instead of going to visit my parents this time around, I am going to good ol' Portland, Indiana to visit my mom's side of the family. I really haven't spent any time with them since last Christmas so I'm excited to see my grandma and the kids.
Although I'm dissapointed in the lack of weight loss I wanted to acheive before I saw them again, I will be working on it over break and then fighting it head on once I get back to campus (and our free student gym).
Our puppy Prudence is going to the vet for the first time tomorrow morning. It's weird being the one to have this responsiblity. I've watched many in my family handle their dogs, now it's me. Weird, I'm an adult moment. She has to get her second booster and then she gets to go on her first adventure with me to Portland!
I'll miss Michael but honestly I think we need a little time apart after seeing each other every single day since he has moved here.
One thing that hit me is I have two months left of being a sophomore in college. Then I will be a friggin' junior. This is going too fast.
Since studying in Europe this summer fell through, I'm planning on taking a summer course to get ahead on my credits. With two majors and a minor that will definitley be helpful.
Also, I'm considering starting another blog for just weight loss stuff. I'll decide when I get back so I'll let you know.
Have a great upcoming week everyone =]

Me, Myself, & I

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Lately, I've been pretty much depressed. I really hate the feeling of depression. I like to be spunky and happy and full of sunshine. But since I stepped on the scale a week or so ago, I've just been dark and gloomy.
The other day I read this article our publications office wrote on body image [couldn't come at a perfect time huh?] And it said something about how we all want to be the image of ourselves that we have in our mind. That is beyond true. I definitely see myself completely different in my mind. Then when I step on the scale or look in the mirror, I don't see that girl and it depresses me.
I got to thinking. We all see ourselves a certain way. We all change to fit a certain mode whether that be skinny or smart or whatever the word may be. But really, we should be focusing on the person WE will be happy with. If you're happy at 200 pounds, or at 130, or at 105 then awesome.
It's not the number on the scale that defines me. I define me. Somehow I lost that perspective. And here I am, depressed because I'm going home to family I haven't seen in awhile bigger than I was the last time they saw me. They aren't going to love me any less and somehow I forgot that.
I guess my point is instead of changing, I should strive to be the best version of myself. Not just in health, but in all aspects of my life.
This person I am now, is not the best version of Melissa. And I have been blessed with the ability to change that and be the best I can possibly be.
This isn't about being my ideal weight, or having top grades, or any of that. It's about being happy with who I am and embracing that. There is only one of me, and if I keep tearing her down the way that I have been, she isn't going to shine like she should.
I need to let her shine. This involves living to the best of my capabilities. Studying harder, eating better, working out, taking care of the mold I call myself.
Because if I can't take care of her, who will?

Challenge... fail?

So, I was doing so well.
Counting calories, working out everyday, steering clear of junk food and soda.
Then, I just lost it.
Not only have I gained back the 7 pounds I lost but put on more weight. And that is just in two weeks.
I wanted to be a certain weight by my spring break, which is this week. But now that goal is marked as a fail and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself. I don't even want to face my family at spring break now because I am so ashamed.
I don't ge it. Do I not have the self control?? It's like it's impossible for me to stick to it. I do so well and then BAM I fall hard.
And here I am feeling crappier than ever.
I am so tired of my weight issue. I just want it to go away. I don't feel pretty. I'm not happy with myself at all. And I'm tired of people telling me "You're not fat Mel" but they don't step on the scale and see what I see. They don't go into the fitting room and cry when that pair of jeans they wanted is a size larger now. They don't understand.
I have ALWAYS been a chubby kid. ALWAYS. I have talked of diets since 5th grade. I finally just stopped eating my junior year and got down to the thinnest I have ever been. Now I have gained it all back and then some.
I hate that I have battled with this my entire life. And I hate that I lose this battle everytime. I can't pinpoint what it is. What the hell is keeping me from staying on this?
This lifestyle is not working for me. I can't live like this. And my weight is just one thing.
There are so many bad choices I'm making. Somehow, I've just lost myself (or lost my connection with myself). This isn't how I want to live. I can do better than this, yet I don't.
It's breaking me down. I'm a happy person, yes. But then when I look at the overall picture of my life, I see all the stupidity I let into it. My weight is just one part.
I sit here and complain about so many things. But if I just shut up and took care of myself for once, maybe I would be a little happier and feel more confident in the life I'm leading.
I overlook and cast off all these challenges in my life and pretend they aren't there. Then when judgement time comes, I get mad at myself. When will I learn to step up and stop the dissapointment before I get to that point? When will I learn?

Love, Love, Love

"All you need is love." ~The Beatles

There are so many quotes, songs, movies, and much much more about love. And on Valentine's Day love gets its very own spotlight. But what is love exactly? And why does it need a commercialized holiday to be celebrated? Don't we feel and show love every day and not just February 14th?

Don't get me wrong. I love Valentine's Day. I love all the pinks, reds, hearts, chocolates, and teddy bears. Pink is one of my favorite colors and makes me feel all "warm and fuzzy" just seeing it everywhere. But as much 'fun' as all of this is, I could survive without Vday.

I celebrate love everyday. I love my boyfriend, my friends, my family, myself each and every day. And I show it. I show it through how I treat them, the time I dedicate to making them happy, and etc.

I don't need all the glitz and glamour to know that I love the people in my life and that they love me.

So my take on Valentine's Day? It's fun but if it never existed, I wouldn't miss it.

To everyone in my life, I love you with all my heart. You guys are the people who make my life worth living... who make me, 'love' my life. And for that, I don't need a day. I give you my love in return.

Have a happy Valentine's Day everyone. And if you love someone, don't just say it today. Say it everyday.
<3<3<3<3

Just a Picture of the Boyfriend and Me

Stepping Up to Life's Challenges

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

It's been quite awhile since I've actually blogged about anything. I must say, I've been going through a lot of things [mental and emotional] that have been occupying my attention, I guess. Between a stupid ex who thinks he knows me, school, and my weight, life has been on the borderline of good and complete crap.

The moral of this, I've realized, is I am not stepping up to my full potential. In fact, I've been downright lazy. I have been taking the easy way out instead of doing the right thing because it was/is "harder." And to be blunt, it makes me pissed at myself. No one else but my own self.

I can sit here and pity myself for not making the grades I want, or being the weight I want, or even letting my ex urk me the way he does. Or I can say to myself, "Hey dumbass, knock it off!" Because that's really what it all boils down to. Me.

It's my life. I can control my grades and my weight, and how an ex effects me.

I can start by studying and not blowing things off. Or eating junk when I know how it's going to make me feel in the long run. Or how about telling my ex to shut the f*** up and actually mean it.

Living in the past has gotten me NO WHERE. And it's gotten to the point where I just hate my life and how I've handled everything because I know I'm better than this. I am.

And I need to prove to MYSELF that I can be better than how I have acted.

I can do that. And I WILL do it.

My Challenge

After my last entry I decided to do a little research on what I could possibly do. Knowing myself, I figured I needed a plan that was stricter and more day by day oriented. Since the new year I've started writing everything down that eat, but that has proven not to be enough. I need something that will keep me in line and focused while MAKING me be patient.

So, I've decided on a six week plan of counting calories and going basically vegitarian. No more red meats like beef or pork. I'm only allowed lean meats like chicken and fish and since I don't like fish, chicken is my only option and I don't eat that everyday. More fruits and veggies are going to be put in my diet and less starchy and carb induced foods are being kicked out.

My plan is to MAKE myself do this for 6 weeks and at the end of the six weeks, if I've lost any weight I'll keep it going until I reach my goal. I think that having to write my calories down after every meal will not only be annoying but help with my impatience because I'll feel like I've accomplished something at the end of every day if I stay within my limit [1500].

And of course I'll keep track of it, week by week, here in my blog. I feel like a lot of people struggle accomplishing their weight goals because they are impatience for results. I'm hoping if anyone stumbles across this blog, it may help them.

I'll keep track of my progress in the side margin >>>

Keep reading to track my progress or follow along if you want to join in with me. I'll gladly accept distant diet buddies [an idea I got from something one of my closest friends Ash said] and let's see if I [or we] can fianally achieve that stubborn goal of weight loss!

Impatience is my Own Worst Enemy

Two blogs in a day? Yep, it's that kind of day.


The picture above is the size I used to be three years ago. It's the size I'm aiming to be back at. That's my goal. It isn't stick thin but it's healthy and I like the way I look.

But I'm noticing something about myself. I am WAY too impatient for my own good. I'm impatient when it comes to earning money, to losing weight, to doing ANYTHING really.

....And it is my downfall.

My impatience causes me to give up on things that thrive on patience to produce results. Who said I was going to be the size I want in two weeks? No one. It didn't take two weeks for me to gain it, so it's not going to take two weeks to lose it. Being impatient is what is hurting me and if I tackle that then the rest should be easy. Question is how do you stop being impatient? That's something to figure out. Like any bad habit it will most likey take practice. It will definitely be a life change. I just have to remember that patience will getme the results I want and will lead to a happier me in the long run.

One Closed Door May Lead to a Million Opened Doors

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."~ Helen Keller

Today I found out that there is just no chance of my going to Europe for the summer program. The payments aren't spread out enough for me to afford it seeing as most of my money has gone to rescuing Michael and my apartment situation/lack of money. He's finally got a stable job but there just isn't enough time nor money to replace it all by the deadline. With yearbook and homework I just don't have time to get a part-time job. So I guess this door of opportunity is closed. It just wasn't meant to happen.

Though I'm a little discouraged, I know more doors will open for me. One closed door isn't the end of the world and I'm not going to let it be.

Classes and the Beginning of the Spring Semester

So, there is no quote because this is simply a continuation of my last entry since I've had my first day of classes.

I'm pretty excited, to say the least. This semester I'm taking two courses for my Writing major [Literature and Short Story], two for my Psych major {Intro to Psych and Cognitive Science], and finishing up my foreign language requirement with Spanish 212.

The writing classes are very typical. Although, in lit we're reading Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" and a good amount of Hemingway which I love. They're two of my favorite classic authors. So, I'm very excited about that. In short story, we're writing four stories this semester so I'll definitely get my practice.

I'm really eager to get started on my Psych major. Both of my classes seem fairly straight foward and interesting. I heard CogSci was a beast. Hopefully it won't be that bad. In Psych we have to write one critical thinking paper from a list of topics and one of the topics is Child Care Attatchment and Development. I've never been excited about a paper before but I can't wait to dive into this especially since my focus is child development and such.

I had very negative feelings towards Spanish because of last semester but I like this professor so I think I'll enjoy Spanish more this semester. I'm ready to be done with it to be honest.

Overall, I feel as if this may turn out to be a good semester after all. I'm interested in all of my course topics so that'll definitley get me through it. I actually can't wait to get this semester going.

It's weird, but after these next 3-4 months, I'll be a junior in college. Crazy! Two more years after that I'll be done. Time sure does move fast. I think I'm starting to narrow down my options as far as post-college goes. I'll either go to grad school, work in childcare or social work, or start out at a magazine or freelancing. Either way, I'll figure it out.

The Bittersweet Ups and Downs of Second Semester

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." ~Winston Churchill

Well, my second semester of my sophomore year of college starts tomorrow and I can't help but feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I mean, I have a lot to be excited about. I'm starting my new major and continuing writing and I have some pretty interesting classes. Plus, it's my last semester of Spanish ever.

However, I didn't do so well last semester. My grades were definitely not what I expected nor did they reflect my best effort. In other words, I'm a bit discouraged. Also, four of my friends are studying abroad this semester and I'm kinda feeling the "I miss them" blues.

I can remember back in high school and all the years before that. I used to be so eager to learn and write and go above and beyond. Somewhere I lost that. I'm not excited to go to class [or motivated] and I haven't written or even read anything on my own as often as I used to. It's a little disheartening.

But with a scholarship to keep up with and money stresses, the pressure just takes away from the eagerness. I really miss being excited about something. And I miss having money to go out to eat and shop with my friends.

It's been a stressful last few months and I'm trying to stay positive about all of it but the question haunting me about this semester is: Is it going to get better or worse?

I want to be confident in things getting better but with the way things have been it's so easy to lose that confidence. My footing is very unstable where I am right now. A not-so-great gpa and a not-so-full bank account with expenses knocking at my door. Michael has yet to find a stable job since the Applebees problem and all of this rolled into one clump can really weigh on a person. I cna either let it take me down or fight it and keep my head up. It's obvious which is the better choice.

So, lets hope this semester is a turn around from the last.

Positivity: My Secret Weapon for the New Year =]

"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Hello to 2011!!!

I must say, I feel like this is going to be a great year. So many people are talking about bettering themselves and it's great to see. But one point a few people have been making is the new year isn't what gives you a fresh start. If you want to change, you should just do it. We shouldn't use the new year as an excuse. If you really want to change, then just do it.

I'm not much into 'changing' but 'improving'. There are so many things I want to do and a certian direction I would like to push myself in. I slowly began that path in 2010 but now I really want to take incentive and really push myself. I have resolutions sure, but they are goals I have always had. Now I want to push myself in the direction I've been leaning towards.

I am the only one who can take control. So I am the only one who can steer my life the way I want. I'm very lucky to have some amazing people in my life who give great pep talks and just keep me strong. I really do have some kick ass friends and family [you know who you are].

I am filled with so much positivity it's crazy. Granted, I'm typically a positive person but I have fallen off the wagon more than I like to admit. But I can honestly say that with my amazing friends, family, and boyfriend, I have a GREAT support system in my life.

I'm excited to embark on the journey of 2011 and see where I end up this time next year. Normally I'm scared of change but 2010 really taught me to embrace it and just let life take it's natural course. Change the things I can, accept the things I can't.

My motto for the year is to LIVE, LAUGH, & LOVE. And with such great people in my life, that wil definitely not be a problem. =]